Supernatural Beer, Carnival Chaos, Zombies vs. Teens

There’s a House of Mystery comic. There’s a House of Secrets comic. But did you know there’s a House of Mysterious Secrets website, that not only sells comics, but a plethora of horror-themed memorabilia, from shirts, lunch boxes and pot holders, to bottle openers, paint sets and air fresheners? Hell yep, there is.

Mind you, this is only a paragraphed summation. When you go to houseofmysterioussecrets.com website, you’ll find a veritable Wonderland of everyday items emboldened with everything from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Godzilla, Hellraiser, Universal Monsters, Elvira, Jaws, Evil Dead, Halloween and Chucky. And even that’s just scratching the itchy surface. 

On the gift list for MYSELF is An American Werewolf in London lunch box (packed with shredded British bologna sandwiches), a Teen Wolf action figure (kinda like looking at myself), the Beetlejuice Sandworm Metal Bottle Opener (to crack a bottle of Budweiser™ Juice with it), a Nosferatu Commerative Medallion Coin (to trade for more Budweiser™ Juice), a Frankenhooker wall tapestry (made of Spank Bank material), and a Return of the Living Dead air freshener, because, hey, flesh isn’t very pleasant to sniff, let along snack on.

While you spend ALL your holiday cash on all the above, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as a Jaws vaccine card holder…

THE BLACKLIGHT / Out now (VOD)

“Despite trying to leave behind a life of crime, Danny reluctantly teams with naïve rich kid Liam and wildcard drug dealer Kit Viper for a robbery that leaves them in possession of a mysterious supernatural artifact with immense power.”

A supernatural artifact with immense power. Sounds like they stole a 40 oz. bottle of Steel Reserve™.

THE CHAMBER OF TERROR / December 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Nash Caruthers is on a deadly collision course with the people that tore his world apart…along with something unexpected. Something far more sinister.”

The “Chamber of Terror” in this movie is a dilapidated carnival attraction. So where do I buy a ticket to ride it? Better yet, I’ll just get a Dizzy Pass™ and make fun happen.

NIGHT OF THE COMET / December 1, 2022 (Shudder™)

A huge comet passes near the Earth, nearly vaporizing the whole planet. Only a few teenagers, who were inside a steel movie projection booth, survive — all those outside were turned to dust. But a few partially exposed people are now hideous bloodthirsty zombies — and they begin a deadly hunt for the last remaining humans.”

Only teenagers survive. I feel sorry for the zombies.

FEAR / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends gather for a much-needed weekend getaway at a remote and historic hotel. Celebration turns into terror as one by one, each guest faces their own worst fear.”

The guests at a fancy pants hotel faces their worst fears. What could that be — no room service? No minibar in their executive suite? No mint on their Pacific Coast Hotel TRIA Down & Feather Pillows™? Life must be a living Hell for them.

Superhero Facial Hair, Alien Robots, Criminal Comets

My TV superhero watching guilty pleasures include Arrow, The Flash, Gotham, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Daredevil, The Punisher, Luke Cage, Iron Fist (just barely) and Jessica Jones. But it’s Supergirl on The CW that, while targeting young teen girls, is hilarious enough to keep me all giggly during its three seasons.

Favorite moments include Supergirl getting drunk (“I feel…float-y…but I’m not floating…”), excitedly meeting the President (original Wonder Woman star, Lynda Carter) for the first time: “Should I get a blow-out?”, Karaoke rapping (she’s actually not half bad, though rap music in general sucks red kryptonite) and eating glazed pastry after glazed pastry in a diner as her alter-ego, Kara Danvers. (Waitress: “How can you eat all this day after day and not gain a pound?” Kara/Supergirl: “I’m an alien.” Comedy gold, I tell you.

But in Season 3, several characters are getting costumes, specifically ex-Supergirl boyfriend Mon-El (he has a cape he uses as a wicked weapon) and apocalyptic nemesis/world killer Reign, whose costume looks like it’d be perfect for cosplay night at the Fetish Fortress in Chinatown, NY. Both are welcome upgrades, though not too crazy about Mon-El’s new hipster beard/mustache. Arrow being the exception to the rule, superheroes in general don’t look superhero-y with facial hair — just ask Superman and his universally-mocked, digitally-erased “Canadian scarf” in Justice League (2017).

While I go shopping for a new pair of britches I can use as a weapon, here are a few upcoming/just released horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not give your fright level a smooth, close-shave…

KIN (August 31, 2018)
Kin, a pulse-pounding crime thriller with a sci-fi twist, is the story of an unexpected hero destined for greatness. Chased by a vengeful criminal, the feds and a gang of otherworldly soldiers, a recently released ex-con and his adopted younger brother are forced to go on the run with a weapon of mysterious origin as their only protection.

I bet the “weapon of mysterious origins” is a Super Soaker™ filled with pee pee. That should pretty much stop anybody, even otherworldly soldiers. In fact, I hear NASA is building up an arsenal of such weapons just in case Earth is invaded by extraterrestrials. I heard about that on the Internet, so it can’t possibly be wrong.

THE FLATWOODS MONSTER: A LEGACY OF FEAR (available now)
“This documentary that unlocks a decades-old mystery that included a government-ordered military examination of a purported alien crash-site, and multiple UFOs seen by countless residents of Braxton County, WV. In September of 1952 hundreds of people across the United States witnessed glowing objects streak across the skies over much of the Eastern Seaboard. One of the objects in question was seen to land on a hill near the small community of Flatwoods, West Virginia by a group of children. The children and two adults made a journey to the top of the hill to search for the object but instead found themselves face to face with a thirteen-foot tall mechanical monster.”

I’ve seen numerous TRUE documentaries about this “Beverly Spacebilly.” A moment-by-moment recounting of the story on Wikipedia™ tells that when the local sheriff showed up to investigate, he found “two elongated tracks” in the mud. We can only hope aliens, mechanical or otherwise, have enough sense to wipe their tentacles before tracking up a freshly-mopped UFO kitchen floor/deck.

 

STONE SEEKER (available now)
“Three soldiers descend into the caves beneath their city to find a fabled stone with powers.”

And there they find members of the Rolling Stones. (Stones with powers — get it? Why I’m not on Comedy Central™ continues to baffle me.)

GARLIC AND GUNPOWDER (available now)
“A comet is on track to destroy the planet — or not, depending on who you talk to. The world’s top 1% aren’t taking any chances and are planning on stashing their gold and valuables in vaults hidden deep in the mountains. A 300-pound female Mob Boss, a Chinese Mafia leader and a couple of Federal agents all have competing plans to pull off what could be the final heist of existence.”

They’re right — the guy selling tainted Romaine lettuce in the grocery store insists a comet will wipe our butts clean. Then there’s the bus stop lady who never gets on the bus who claims the end-of-the-world produce guy is full of E.coli. Either way, the criminals — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — are smart to invest their ill-gotten gains in mountain vaults. Just to be safe, they should tell me where its hidden, so I can help them re-find it if and when the comet comes to cash us out.

Dragons and Nickel Candy Bars

It’s 1881. And Michael Denning (USA) and Hector Servadac (not USA, but still kinda cool Frenchman) were doing what any two guys arguing over a girl would normally be doing: facing off in a duel with pistols.

Just as they’re about to glock block each other, a passing comet overhead whips up a ferocious storm so blast-y, it sucks the at-odds gentlemen 1,000,000 miles into space and 1,000,000 BACK IN TIME! Face-slapping astonishment here; I had no idea meteors had those kinds of super powers.

The men end up in a jungle as real estate and property taxes hadn’t been invented yet. It’s here they encounter two warring tribes of cavemen and cave women, a fiesty volcano with the worst temperament, and giant, mouth open, fighting lizards feasting on said cave people. Can you say f’d in the cave-hole?

Using the framework of Off on a Comet, an 1877 Jules Verne novel (that’s probably French for “book”), Valley of the Dragons (1961) certainly lives up to its name. They do this by sweetening the plot with stock footage from Cat-Women of the Moon (1953) and Rodan (1956), whose cameos are relegated to some prairie dog pop-ups and a few fly-bys.

Not forgetting their discord, both men decide to resolve their face-shooting dispute AFTER they figure out what the heck is going on, how to get back to their own time, and more importantly, how to divide up the two hottest of the cave chicks not as yet eaten by the “dragons.”

One clan gets trapped in a cave with a slobbering giant lizard right outside the door-less opening. Using spears and rocks, the cave people, led by French Hector, poke the beast like it was sleeping in late. But it isn’t until his science thoughts kick in that he figures out how to make gun powder from the colored dirt everyone’s bleeding on.

You can guess where this is headed and how this ends for the dragon. But the most exciting part is when the volcano blows and all involved at the foot of said Mt. Explode gets the herd thinned by earth-cracked crevices and tsunamis of pyroclastic flow.

Initiating a chest-patting peace accord between the surviving tribes, Mike and Hec calculate the comet will return in seven years, thereby whisking them back to their plentiful world of nickel candy bars and .34¢ a gallon gasoline. More than enough time to teach the cave girls in the ways of future love.

Closing statement: Rodan did not eat any of the cave people. He could’ve, but just didn’t. It’d be totally not cool if you went around telling everybody he did. Don’t be a dick, ’k?

Baron Von Brain Eater

Baron Vitelius of Astara is about to have a bad day, though you wouldn’t know it by the smug look on his face as he’s being tried by a Spanish Inquisition for witchcraft, necromancy and assorted wrongness in 1661. If convicted – and it’s pretty much a slam dunk by the black hooded tribunal who only speak in sub-titles – Baron Von Smirky Smirk is gonna be the featured attraction at a good old fashioned witch burning.

Before he can do his impression of a S’more, a 300 year cycle comet suddenly appears overhead, and the BBQ Baron swears to the sparky meteor that he will return in 300 years (as when the comet does its round trip) to exact revenge on all his accusers’ descendants. (He’s lucky no one is gay so he can return from the dead and make kill happen to all of the above.) Thus is the gripping beginning of 1962’s Spanish horror camp classic, The Brainiac (aka, Baron of Terror).

Sure as the morning wood rises, 300 years to the day the comet crashes the party and Baron Vitelius is hitching a ride. A fragment breaks off and gently lands on the ground and turns into the Baron, who in turn transforms into a human-sized demon fly-headed creature with a pointy tongue that would make Gene Simmons turn clown white with envy. Time for some tongue-lashing retribution.

Posing as a foreign dignitary, in human form he lures the descendants into flame-y deaths, which are preceded by Baron Von Fly Face sticking his 18-inch tongue out and sucking out the brains of his victims through the back of their necks. Then he sets fire to the surroundings, charring the evidence.

As the Baron he’s smooth, smokes cigarettes like they were medicine, eats those aforementioned unrefrigerated raw brains from an ornate bowl with a dessert spoon, and makes out with chicks – all with sparse dialogue. (Actions speak louder than words when it comes to smooth smooching.) He can also make his face brighten and darken, like an open/close sign on a tavern, which wide-eye hypnotizes his kills into standing still while he changes into the monster and sucks them dry.

Better still is when the Baron, in creature form, breathes – his head expands and contracts like a paint-huffing paper bag. And his fingers turn into two claw-esque tubes that he softly clacks together as if pinching a marshmallow to death.

Two detective are onto the clues and corner Baron Von Suck Suck. His fate, like shampooing and rinsing, repeats itself with the cops showing up with scuba tank sized flame throwers. The Brainiac is loaded with hilariously interpreted dialogue (“You are guilty of clumsy and illegal practices…”) and tension-less drama. But it’s the monster with the expanding and contracting head and that rock star quality tongue that makes this one a classic keeper.

Big Hair Sci-Fi

The last time that comet came this close to Earth, it killed off all those cute and friendly dinosaurs. Now, 65 million years later, it’s back for an encore in the 1984 sci-fi cheese classic, Night of the Comet.

When our unlucky planet goes through the tail of the maniac meteor, it turns most people into piles of pencil shavings and some into meteor zombies. Survivors include a Valley Girl with big hair who has unprotected sex with her movie projectionist boyfriend. (I think he ends up getting eaten like a popcorn/human hot dog combo deal. I lost track as I had comet dust in my eyes.)

Scientists theorize that the meteor-made zombies will soon disintegrate into pencil shavings. Until then, don’t put your hands in their mouths. Turns out, the scientists are the bad guys, harvesting the survivor’s untainted life goop in hopes to cure their impending zombie-itis. Too much dumb-assery and a ridiculous way to resolve it all in the form of Mother Nature. Science sucks.

A Meatier Meteor

A seven mile-wide comet is headed towards earth and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. This is what’s referred to as an E.L.E. – Extinction-Level Event. Sucks to be from Earth.

The Russians – way ahead of us for once – had been secretly building a rock blocker spaceship called Messiah. The plan is to fly out to meet the comet, plant 100 nuclear warheads on it, light fuse, and get the heck behind the Moon when it blows. Good plan Russia – now there are TWO comets headed towards your house.

Ignore all the sub-dramas and characters as all you came to this party for was to see the comets smash into Earth like God’s pinballs.

Deep Impact (1998) is full of cool destruction, giant waves, crying, screaming, running. They could’ve easily put all the good stuff inside of 10 minutes, which would make it a whole lot more fun to watch and re-watch Earth being destroyed. That’s the dream, anyway.