Brown Bag Demonic Possession

The Vatican Tapes, a horror movie about demonic possession and the mocking of the collection plate, is scheduled for release May 22, 2015. Praise be unto film distributors.

There have been a number of religion based horror (or horror based religion) lately. Too many for me to list as I’m hungry and would rather research a sandwich made with hole-y cheese. (Heh.) And since no movie about demon possession can ever top The Exorcist (1973), the rest come across as savory as a communion wafer. But hey, whatever floats your soul.

The Vatican Tapes concerns the haunting tale of 27-year-old Angela Holmes, who accidentally cuts her finger and ends up in the emergency room. Man, I hope she has insurance because the emergency room is out-of-pocket expensive. And the waiting room stinks, filled with the stench of pension drunks filled with holy spirits (i.e., $2 fortified wine).

Anyway, infection sets in and leads to erratic behavior, and Angela has a devastating effect on anyone in her general direction, causing serious injury and death. Both can be harmful to your long-term health.

Priests, who took the vow of silliness, examine Holmes and believe she is possessed. But when the Vatican is texted to exorcise the demon, the possession proves to be an ancient satanic force more powerful than they imagined.

Movies with this theme all seem to operate under the same business model and come across as pointless given the inevitable set-up: Good vs. Evil, blah, blah, blah. Ironic that most possessions can be attributed to $2 fortified wine. More so when chugged from the Chalice of Benediction, which usually comes in a handy twist top bottle and conveniently wrapped in a brown paper bag.

Catholic Vampires

 

John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) reveals what I’ve suspected all along – organized religion is responsible for creating the blood-hungry undead. During a totally botched exorcism back in the day when such practices were considered standard, a master vampire was thus born.

Six hundred years later the Catholic church is still trying to clean up their mess without compromising the power of the collection plate. Enter James Woods as a modern bad ass day job slayer, a mercenary hired by the Vatican to end all the neck-biting wrongness.

He and his dead-hunting associates shoot vampires with crossbows, then drag them out into the sunlight where the turn into overcooked marshmallows (but not nearly as delicious, though).

Explosions of creative gore, gnarly decapitations and the resultant gushing of the good red stuff. Too bad the dialogue bites harder than the vampires. Woods is an emotional roller coaster as Jack Crow (he probably got lessons from a 12 year-old girl), but the action and splat and the ridding of vampires make this flick worth most of his PMS-ing.

Martian God

Using Radio Shack’s™ new hydrogen valve, an American scientist manages to get a radio signal to Mars and receives transmissions back that the Red Planet is way more awesome than Earth. My own experiments confirm this.

The Martians explain, via math language, that they’ve overcome fuel, food and health problems with their advanced technology. This causes Earth’s entire economic system to collapse. Why employ people when the Martians can supply us with technology that does the trick for a fraction of the cost? Thanks a lot, Mr. Science.

But high in the Andes is a German scientist living like a hermit with the exact same radio transmitter. He was the one who invented the hydrogen valve, and he’s using his version to advance Russian interests in world domination by “listening” in on the interplanetary conversations.

The Russians are gleeful. Having been unsuccessful in defeating the U.S. in everything but chess, they’re wringing their hands over the financial meltdown, which is bringing everything to a screeching halt and… Wait a minute – that’s not Mars talking, it’s the Russians answering back, giving us erroneous information, which is causing everyone to freak. Pretty smarty pants when you think about it.

Meanwhile, the Nazi scientist effortlessly manages to get out of the Andes before an avalanche wipes out his stylish slum hut, get on a plane to America, and sneak into the American scientist’s military-guarded house, all to take credit for single-handedly crushing the United States through simple deception.

But while he’s there, one more transmission comes through. The “Martians” send an incomplete final cryptic message that implies that God is talking to them. The message goes out and the world calms the heck down. But not before the Nazi, usurped by The Lord, gets in the last word. And speaking of last words, the President addresses the nation and it’s all but a propaganda speech for organized religion.

Not surprised the Martians are Christians, but I am visibly shocked the hokey Red Planet Mars (1952) didn’t come with a collection plate.