Archive for coffin

Soap Opera Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Dark Shadows

House of Dark Shadows (1970) is the movie spin-off of the syndicated horror soap opera Dark Shadows, which ran from 1966 to 1971. The TV series featured a resurrected family vampire, a ghost and a werewolf. It also featured a scheming grounds keeper named Willy. I think it’s a rule that all groundskeepers are named Willy.

House of Dark Shadows

I tried watching Dark Shadows as a kid, but could only get a few episodes in because the storyline moved way too slow for my Kool-Aid™ amped brain. I wanted vampires, ghosts and werewolves, but only got a bunch of dramatic yapping. Odd I should watch the movie version, which doesn’t have a ghost of werewolf, and STILL has a lot of yapping.

House of Dark Shadows

House of Dark Shadows revolves around Barnabas Collins, who was “executed” by his dad in 1797 for being a vampire, and stuffed in a coffin wrapped in chains for all eternity. (Pretty harsh – most kids just get sent to their rooms.) But thanks to the scheming Willy, Barnabas was released from his family crypt where he could rise and suck the aristocratic blood from the necks of his Goth mansion ancestors. That, and to take a bride and feel up her neck with his primary incisors.

House of Dark Shadows

A lot of the story lines relate back to the TV series, but still with way too many characters to keep track of. I just wanted to see Barnabas do his neck-puncturing routine, which he does on several hot young gals. He leaves ragged holes in their necks, so high collars/scarves are the order of the day to keep suspicions at bay.

House of dark Shadows

Doesn’t work. Several people are on to Barnabas, one of which is a female doctor who promises an injectable cure for his sucking in exchange for him not sucking on her. When she finds out he’s to marry some young thang, she gets all jealous and betrays him halfway through the cure and he turns into an undead prune face. (This was part of the TV storyline.)

House of Dark Shadows

More biting, more screaming and some of the reddest blood you’ll ever see on film. This was a pleasant surprise as the some of the first TV shows were in spookified black and white. Black and white blood looks more like chocolate syrup. (Note: If necks bled chocolate syrup, I’d sign up to be a vampire right the heck now.)

Aliens, Zombies, Ghosts, Frogs & Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

10 Cloverfield Lane

Always look forward to the avalanche of post-holiday upcoming horror/sci-fi movies  every year. Why? More couch/snack time, b*tches! You wouldn’t want me to deny the couch the glory of my glory, would you? I sure as flip hope not.

Cloverfield

Anyway, a preview of six new impending new ones, starting with the tantalizing 10 Cloverfield Lane (March 11, 2016), which many Internet butt trolls are insisting is a sequel to 2008’s mega cool monster movie, Cloverfield. (The same thing was theorized about Super 8/2011).It’s made by the same guy, so there’s a legit connection. Plus it has the word “Cloverfield” in it, yet another “clue.”

Super 8

But other than those enigmatic ads, you really don’t get a sense of what the flip. The only fact for certain is they didn’t hire me as an extra. Those nobs.

Alienated

Up next is Alienated, due out March 25 theaters/March 31 VOD. Here’s the who/what/where on the dealio: “Alienated is a science-fiction chiller that tells the story of a married couple forced to confront their fatal relationship issues while on the brink of a possible alien abduction.”

I can guess what their problem is: Not enough probing, followed by too much probing. Marriages and exploratory extraterrestrials don’t really mix. Unless you live in a trailer park.

Dead Afterlife

Dead Afterlife is a sci-fi/ghost/zombie/religion/drug movie releasing sometime in 2016. Here’s what the studio’s front desk told me about it to get me to quit calling: “Imagine watching your own funeral as a ghost and then the unthinkable happens, your undead body climbs out of your coffin and starts killing and eating your friends and family. What would you do?”

That’s an easy one – I’d sh*t my pants, then immediately head to the nearest gas station restroom to freshen up. But they go on to say that after pharmaceutical scientist, Donald Conlee dies, his problems are just beginning. “The Gatekeeper has given Donald a time limit to return his zombie self to the ground – or else his soul can never gain access into Heaven. To complicate matters, he finds out his murderer is at the funeral and his girlfriend is in grave danger.”

Don’t you mean “former girlfriend”? If she was smart, she’d be re-hooked up the second the last shovel full of dirt sealed the deal.

Bad Blood

More drugs with Bad Blood (March, 2006). Frogs, too. (Not sure, but I think I overheard some hippies talking about licking frogs to get high. When you stick a reptile in your mouth, you pretty much deserve what you get.) Anyway…

“Parents suspect drugs are behind their missing daughter and hire a private investigator to get her back. The reality, however, is much worse – a horrific amphibian attack has left the girl infected with a mutagenic disease.”

Hey hippies – try licking the diseased daughter and see where that’ll take your mind, you morons.

The Darkness

The painfully generic titled The Darkness (May 13, 2016) is about a supernatural whozit who pretty much does what all supernatural whozits do: “As a family returns from a vacation they innocently bring home a supernatural force that preys off their own fears and vulnerabilities, threatening to destroy them from within while consuming their lives with terrifying consequences.

YOL. (Yawn out loud.)

The Other Side of the Door

The Other Side of the Door (March 4, 2016) comes across as YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol Monkey’s Paw dealio, best done as Pet Sematary back in 1983: “A mother lost her son and discovers a ritual that lets her say goodbye to her dead child and mistakenly opens the veil between the dead and this world. Now she has to risk all to save her family from the spirit that was her dear son.”

I bet the ritual came with a chant to resurrect her dead kid: “Clean your room, eat your vegetables, quit killing your sister…”

Space Dracula

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

When you run out of things to for horror icons to do and still want to keep the rent checks coming in, send ’em into space. That said, it’s about time they did something different with Dracula; this time they plunged him into deep space. Good – his dusty schtick was getting a bit long in the tooth. Heh.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Instead setting him up with sleek astronaut pants (with optional Van Allen radiation belt –heh), they have Dracula decked out in his dusty old 18th Century clothes. And everything that follows circles Uranus from there.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Investigating a derelict space ship, Casper Van Dien as Commander Van Helsing (gimme a break) boards the empty craft, but discovers a bunch of wooden coffins. According to the ship’s log, the coffins were picked up on Transylvania Planet in the Carpathian System (good grief). Dracula is in one of the easily-opened boxes, breaks out and bites 187 (Coolio). The scene-chewing rap star turns into a vampire and hams it up good. When in Rome.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness (2004) belongs in a black hole. Sorry, that’s all the space references I could think of. I blame it on gravity, always holding me back ’n stuff.

There Is Only One Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dracula

While there was a diaper-smudging scary vampire movie that came 15 years prior (Les Vampires/1915), Dracula, made in 1931, is the gold bar standard for ALL vampire movies since. And they did it without blood, fangs, a movie soundtrack or the Internet. All it took was an awesome story, spooky ass atmosphere, a few rubber bats, and Bela Lugosi’s famous arching eyebrows, which McDonald’s ultimately stole for their logo. True that.

Dracula

Renfield works as a leasor for Count Dracula, and travels overseas with some papers for Carfax Abbey, his new rental digs in bloody, bustling London. Once in town, Drac steps out for a bite, then off to a symphony (regarded as a metal concert back in those days.)

Dracula

Dracula needs Renfield to do minion bidding for him, so he unleashes the now-famous Drac stare-down, the evil equivalent of a Clint Eastwood cowboy squint. (Squint Eastwood. Heh.) This turns Renfield into a minimum wage employee who eats company bugs.

Dracula

And here’s where a second star is born. Renfield’s maniacal stare and ultra-creepy smirking laugh STILL freaks one out to this day. No one since has managed to goon people out the way he did. You should know the rest of the story from here.

Dracula

Dracula sucks on Mina, the movie’s hot chick, although Drac’s three vamp brides back at the castle are creatures with some nice features. Now Mina has permanent crampy “woman” problems.

Dracula

Van Helsing, a guy holding a doctorate in doctoring, discovers Dracula’s vampire tendencies, and along with Mina’s boyfriend Johnathan Harker (cool name, even cooler suit) track Drac back to the coffin and…chop, chop, fizz, fizz.

Dracula

Curiously, this classic ended abruptly, with Van Helsing serving up Dracula a nice stake dinner, while Johnathan and Mina walk slowly up the stairs in grief relief. Van Helsing opts to stick (sorry) around. (I bet you anything he was gonna steal Dracula’s wallet.)

Dracula

To revisit the legacy of the modern day (OK, that sounds odd) vampire is pretty dang cool. So, like, I command thee to watch it.