Archive for coffin

Choke On The Water

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lake Dracula

In the bereft-of-thrills Japanese horror movie Lake of Dracula (1971), five-year-old Akiko has bigger problems than her unruly dog who breaks from a walk on the beach and ends up in a European (?) mansion where a vampire lives. This mansion sucker is tall, Assembly line haircut and glowing yellow eyes, which look more orange than yellow. Either way, he better see a doctor about that.

Lake Dracula

Eighteen years later, Akiko, ho now lives by a lake instead of the ocean (fewer crabs, more mosquitos), keeps having dreams of that vampire who scared the yellow out of her. Her nightmares have just come to fruition after a local boat operator/lake janitor receives a shipment from an unknown sender — it’s a coffin. He opens it and the womb of doom is empty. Even Amazon Prime™ wouldn’t allow returns of this nature. Then, shockingly predictable, the boat guy is attacked and sucked by the SAME VAMPIRE Akikio encountered all those years ago. And his haircut is UNCHANGED.

Lake Dracula

It doesn’t take long for more people (and dogs) to turn up freshness-expired. Akiko’s boyfriend is a doctor and even he can’t explain the two small holes in people’s necks, though he’ll still bill you for looking at ‘em. One of the victims is Natsuko, Akiko’s perky pretty sister. So bouncy is this cutie, I’m kinda surprised Natsuko didn’t pop like a balloon when the vampire made with the chomp.Lake DraculaIn a slow burn towards a thankful ending, Natsuko comes back from the dead, Akiko gets gooned out even more, and the vampire’s origins are revealed. Turns out he’s a descendant of (gasp!) Count Dracula. A yawn-inspiring confrontation on a balcony ends with the vampire falling overboard and landing on a protruding steel spike. Looked worse than it probably felt.

Lake Dracula

If the above hasn’t turned you off to bloodless vampire movies, Lake of Dracula is part of The Bloodthirsty Trilogy, which included The Vampire Doll (1970) and Evil of Dracula (1974). They may or may not make your eyes glow.

Coffin Movies, Human Supper Club, Death Boat

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Coffin Movies

Not sure what I think about this: “The Goteborg Film Festival in Sweden, beginning on January 27, 2019, will be offering up 33 “sarcophagus screenings” of Aniara, a Swedish-language apocalyptic sci-fi film.” Yeesh, what’s next — sneak previews in a gas chamber?

According to The Hollywood Reporter, eight volunteers at a time will be shut into specially made caskets outfitted with screens, speakers and air vents. Inside the coffin will be a “panic” button for anyone who gets too freaked out. 

Aniara

I’d break my finger pushing that button. Points for creativity, though. As for Aniara (2018), here’s this about that: “A spaceship carrying settlers to Mars is knocked off course, causing the consumption-obsessed passengers to consider their place in the universe.” I can feel their pain — my life would be nothing if it weren’t for drunk bidding on eBay™.

Before you go hopping into any movie sarcophagus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have you reaching for the panic button. And remember, it’s not the coffin they take you off in, it’s the coffin that takes you often…

Folklore

FOLKLORE (February 1, 2019/ HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand)
Folklore is HBO’s newest foray into the horror anthology genre. The series, which contains six hour-long episodes, will take place in six Asian countries including Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Singapore, and Thailand. Each of the six episodes is based on that respective country’s folklore and mythology, which includes various supernatural beings and strange occult practices. Each episode will be helmed by a different director, with each episode filmed in the local language of that particular country.”

This one was already aired on HBO Asia on October 7, 2018. (I didn’t know Asia changed its name.) As cool as the anthology series sounds, doesn’t do me much good if each episode is filmed in its native language. Geez, I can barely speak whatever language I’m currently burping out now.

Beneath The Leaves

BENEATH THE LEAVES (February 8, 2019/limited theater/VOD)
“Among countless others, four small-town boys are kidnapped by James Whitley, a deranged, warm-eyed psychopath. His grotesque pursuit to reunite orphaned children with their deceased birth parents is gridlocked when the boys escape and he is arrested. Twenty years later, Whitley flees during a prison fire and decides to see his mission through. Detective Larson, one of Whitley’s prior victims — and now a cop — is removed from the case due to impartiality leaving his partner and lover, Detective Shotwell to solve the case. Fueled by rage and a chance of redemption, Detective Larson chases the steadfast psychopath on his own, only to fall back into the same trap he once escaped as a child.”

Fueled by rage. Kinda my mantra. Hope career criminal James Whitely doesn’t try to kidnap me — I’ve got a full tank.

The Cannibal Club

THE CANNIBAL CLUB (March 1, 2019/limited theater/ March 5, 2019/VOD)
Otavio and Gilda are a very wealthy couple of the Brazilian elite who have the habit of eating their employees. Otavio owns a private security company and is a notable member of The Cannibal Club. When Gilda accidentally discovers a secret from Borges, a powerful congressman and the club’s leader, her and her husband’s lives are in grave danger.”

Eating your employees — doesn’t sound too tasty, but it does cut down on having to hand out raises and buying groceries.

Harpoon

HARPOON (2019)
“With his perfect family and perfect upbringing, Richard appears to have it all. So when he thinks that his long-term girlfriend, Sasha and best-friend, Jonah, are having an affair, it sends him into a fit of rage that leaves Jonah a bloody mess. Once Jonah and Sasha convince Richard the allegations are false, Richard tries to buy back their trust by taking them out for a day-trip on his family’s yacht. Tension boils over once out to sea, and, to make matters worse, the yacht’s engine fails. Stranded without food and supplies, the trio must set aside their differences in order to survive.”

Can’t remember the title, but there was a Japanese horror movie with the same plot. It didn’t end well for them, either. I think they were all eaten by a giant octopus with nine arms. I could be slightly wrong about that.

Diva Sharks, Amateur Killers, Possessed Cab Passengers

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

No Lives Matter

In advance of the upcoming giant shark movie, The Meg (August 10, 2018), comes a mouthful off Jaws 2 (1978) behind-the-scenes pics that gives shark fans a glimpse behind the bubbles.

Jaws 2

In this scene we see “Bruce Two” (the shark, named after director Stephen Spielberg’s lawyer) heavily emoting during the money shot of burning to death after chomping on an underwater electric cable…

Jaws 2

In this photo, we see Bruce Two finding his marks and getting ready for his close-ups….

Jaws 2

And in this shot, we see Bruce Two getting his makeup touched up in-between human-eating scenes…

While we all wish we looked as good in shark attack selfies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi dramas/comedies to take your mind off the fact that you’ll never be as photogenic as a shark

The Happytime Murders

THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS (2018)
“Set in the underbelly of Los Angeles, puppets and humans coexist. Two clashing detectives, one human and one puppet, are forced to work together to try and solve who is brutally murdering the former cast of The Happytime Gang, a beloved classic puppet show.”

A spin on Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), wherein humans and cartoon characters coexist. Sounds like present day Congress.

Heavy Trip

HEAVY TRIP (aka, Hevi Reissu/October 12, 2018/VOD)
Turo is stuck in a small village in the Finnish countryside where his greatest passion is being the lead vocalist for the amateur metal band Impaled Rektum. The only problem is that he and his fellow headbangers have practiced for 12 years without playing a single gig. But that’s all about to change when the guys meet the promoter of a huge heavy metal music festival in Norway and decide it’s now or never. Hitting the road in a stolen van with a corpse, a coffin, and a new drummer from a local mental hospital in tow, Impaled Rektum travels across Scandinavia to make their dreams a reality.”

I’ve come up with hundreds of heavy metal band names, but Impaled Rektum takes the crown. I bet my proctologist is the lead finger in this band.

Killer Kate

KILLER KATE ( October 26, 2018)
“Estranged sisters Kate and Angie haven’t spoken since Angie went to college and left Kate to care for their ailing father. In a show of reconciliation, several years after moving out, Angie invites Kate to her bachelorette party held at a remote house booked on a home-sharing app. The women are unaware that by booking this house, they’re walking into a trap set in motion by a disturbed family of amateur killers.”

Hey disturbed family of AMATEUR killers — practice makes perfect. P.S. Don’t really go out and kill anyone to gain life experience.

Luz

LUZ (2018)
“Fleeing from the grasp of a possessed woman, a distressed cabdriver begins a confession in a rundown police station that endangers everyone who crosses her path.”

Um, aren’t most people who ride in cabs possessed in some way or another? I know I am. In fact, whenever I take a Lyft™ after stopping by favorite bar for seven hours, my head spins around, I spew a green vomit substance and I curse as though a somewhat clean crucifix was stuck in my fuzzy wuzzy. (Note to Lyft™ — If I promise to quit doing all of the above in your otherwise clean vehicles, can you lyft the ban?)

Virgin Vampires With Full Moons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Wedding Night

The Devil’s Wedding Night (aka, The Devil’s Crypt, Full Moon of the Virgins, Il Plenilunio delle Vergini/Italy, 1973) isn’t nearly as lip-smacking as it sounds. In fact, the Devil doesn’t even show up to his own happiest day. (Who can blame him? His brides/victims won’t sign a pre-nup.) But you don’t need him when you have a clothes-hating, female vampire bathing in human blood squeezings, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

Two handsome brothers are twin archaeologists. One likes to gamble and make smooch happen with chicks. One wants to find the invaluable Ring of the Nibelung (it has mind-moisturizing properties), said to be in Castle Dracula in Transylvania, high up in the Carpathian Ski Mountains. Since this in the early 1900s and there is no Uber or Lyft to get him there, he has to ride his horse. (He never tips the pony or gives it a good rating, the jerk.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

Once at the castle, handsome twin #2 knocks on the door and tells the emotionless gal he’s an architect and wants to study the castle’s feng shui. While wandering around like a snoopy guest opening up underwear drawers and medicine cabinets, he hears a shrieking sound and sees moving shadows. It’s here he meets Countess Dracula, who invites him to stay for dinner and dessert, if you get my drift. Turns out, he’s the main course, but not before a little rub-a-dub.

The Devil's Wedding Night

While this shameful action is going on, his brother is hot on the trail, rushing to bring him a protective amulet to ward away evil. Ironic, since the fabled jewelry is said to have been fashioned by Pazuzu, King of the Demons. (I would’ve thought P would be more into Gothic cabinetry than homemade jewelry.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

As it so happens, tonight is the full moon of the virgins, wherein five as yet undefiled young gals from the nearby village fall under the ring’s spell, and they all walk to the castle at midnight, where in Countess Dracula extracts their blood and slathers it all over herself, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

There’s a lot of running around the castle holding lit candles since the psychedelic, rainless lightning storm raging outside must’ve knocked out the power. Handsome twin brother #1 eventually stumbles across his brother entombed in a stone coffin and beats down a bald male vampire with sick thick eyebrows to rescue him.

The Devil's Wedding Night

The virgins show up, the countess turns into a giant bat, the handsome brother chops off her hand, snags the ring, gives his brother an economic, in-ground burial after serving up a stake well done.

So even as “meh” as this all is, stick around for the double twist ending. It will make you believe in the power of jewelry.

Asian Zombie Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

When you stop whatever it is you’re doing and watch Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters (aka, The Era of Vampires/2002), a made-in-Hong-Kong period piece (ancient 19th Century days), you’re gonna learn some things about vampires and zombies that you never knew.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

First, vampires and zombies are one in the same. Crazy talk, I know. But when a person dies and is buried in a p*ssed off state of mind, that anger energy festers and reanimates your death bod. When you come out of the grave and go on an “all the flesh you can eat” binge, then you change into a vampire. It should be noted that while in zombie and vampire mode, your face looks like deceased meatloaf. And the only thing that goes with that is human ketchup. (Note: In zombie form, you can still be “cured” with coffin wood powder. I think you can get it at GNC™.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Along with their master, four kung fu disciples — Rain, Lightning, Thunder, and Wind (graduates from the Taoist Mao Shan School of Magic) and a gaggle of disposable soldiers — tirelessly roam the land for zombie vampires. They do this at night because vampires look cooler after the sun goes down. Doesn’t take long to find one — and it just happens to be general of some recognition. The combative thing shoots out of the ground, flies around, and sucks blood right out of your proprietary orifices — from a foot away! Wish my vacuum cleaner had that kind of sucking power.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Someone screws up (looking in your direction disposable solider #6), resulting in a huge explosion due to methane gas turning the air explosive. This made everyone think Master Jing (It rhymes with ‘blaster zing”) was barbecued. (He wasn’t, but got separated from the tour.) Now it’s on, with the band, whose descendants I think formed Earth, Wind & Fire, tracking errant vampires, all the while meeting chicks, finding gold and living up to their frat pledge: “Turn it up I can’t hear, more chicks more beer!” Okay, that was my frat motto — and I didn’t even go to college. Heh.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The House of Jiang is rich and loaded with gold that everybody keeps trying to steal. And there’s zombies in the basement. The Jiangs have been preserving their departed loved ones in wax and keeping them around the house like objet d’art. You can see where this is going. Master Jiang turns out to be an extremely accomplished vampire with car exhaust breath, and engages in an epic, gory, kung-fu acrobatic, sword slicing, hi-flying battle with the gang and their reunited master. (His explanation as to why he’s been gone all these months is pretty funny.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The fight takes an unexpected turn when sticks of dynamite are introduced to the mix. But it’s the last shot of 100 (maybe there was 97) zombies in the basement that sets up a sequel that either never happened or I didn’t see. What’s the difference? In all, an entertaining waste of time.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

GoD is a Helluva GaL

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Trance

So the coffin everyone seeks in the Asian horror/fantasy flick Death Trance (2006) is reputed to either grant your wildest wishes or release the Goddess of Destruction. Guess which one this does?

Death Trance

An ancient Asian duplex/temple where the coffin has been baby-sat for years, is stolen by a martial arts expert who defends his prize by kicking everyone in the face. A wussy monk from the Tougan Temple has been tasked with bringing the coffin back and is given a sword, that when unsheathed, will help put back in the box whatever/whomever is let out.

Death Trance

Along the journey into the Forest of the Face-Kicks (that’s what I’m calling it, anyway), another guy seeking the coffin shows up to kick people in the face. Then a chick arrives who does pretty much the same thing. By the time the coffin is opened and the Goddess of Destruction is let loose to wreck everything, you’re left wondering what the point was to all of this. I was unable to figure it out — and I have a high school degree.

Death Trance

Lots of face kicking and ninja action. The GoD (oh, hey — I just got that abbreviation — thank you high school degree) lays waste to everything, but not before doing battle with the guy who stole the coffin in the first place. He got his wish. Can you figure out what it was? Only if you have the proper schooling accreditation. Like me.

Sucking in the 2000s

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dracula 2000

Drac is back and on the attack. (I should be a rapper; All I need is some fresh beats.) In an interesting updating of the vampire monarch’s diet of throats and human ketchup, Dracula 2000 (2000) takes place in the present, with Van HelsingDracula’s nemesis – also returning, keeping himself alive for 100 years with daily injections of D’s blood, as filtered through wiggly leeches. Eeewww!

Dracula 2000

Van Helsing keeps Drac’s body in an underground vault where hi-tech robbers believe there’s gold or discount coupons for yachts and corvettes. There’s not. So they steal the coffin and let the bat out of the bag.

Dracula 2000

The hunt takes everyone to New Orleans where Dracula 2000 sniffs out Van Helsing’s hotty Daughter 2000, who also pumps filtered vampire blood through her sexy veins. Why she doesn’t take off her clothes to combat eternal evil is anyone’s guess. (Dracula is such a wuss; always chasing after chicks who don’t want him.)

Dracula 2000

A few decapitations, a couple of impalings, a few laughs. The pacing is slow, Drac-Q-Lah isn’t particularly menacing, but there is a brief flash of boobs, Dracula’s other favorite body part to suck on. Otherwise, not the wholesale bloodfest it needed to be.