Archive for coffin

Diva Sharks, Amateur Killers, Possessed Cab Passengers

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

No Lives Matter

In advance of the upcoming giant shark movie, The Meg (August 10, 2018), comes a mouthful off Jaws 2 (1978) behind-the-scenes pics that gives shark fans a glimpse behind the bubbles.

Jaws 2

In this scene we see “Bruce Two” (the shark, named after director Stephen Spielberg’s lawyer) heavily emoting during the money shot of burning to death after chomping on an underwater electric cable…

Jaws 2

In this photo, we see Bruce Two finding his marks and getting ready for his close-ups….

Jaws 2

And in this shot, we see Bruce Two getting his makeup touched up in-between human-eating scenes…

While we all wish we looked as good in shark attack selfies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi dramas/comedies to take your mind off the fact that you’ll never be as photogenic as a shark

The Happytime Murders

THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS (2018)
“Set in the underbelly of Los Angeles, puppets and humans coexist. Two clashing detectives, one human and one puppet, are forced to work together to try and solve who is brutally murdering the former cast of The Happytime Gang, a beloved classic puppet show.”

A spin on Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), wherein humans and cartoon characters coexist. Sounds like present day Congress.

Heavy Trip

HEAVY TRIP (aka, Hevi Reissu/October 12, 2018/VOD)
Turo is stuck in a small village in the Finnish countryside where his greatest passion is being the lead vocalist for the amateur metal band Impaled Rektum. The only problem is that he and his fellow headbangers have practiced for 12 years without playing a single gig. But that’s all about to change when the guys meet the promoter of a huge heavy metal music festival in Norway and decide it’s now or never. Hitting the road in a stolen van with a corpse, a coffin, and a new drummer from a local mental hospital in tow, Impaled Rektum travels across Scandinavia to make their dreams a reality.”

I’ve come up with hundreds of heavy metal band names, but Impaled Rektum takes the crown. I bet my proctologist is the lead finger in this band.

Killer Kate

KILLER KATE ( October 26, 2018)
“Estranged sisters Kate and Angie haven’t spoken since Angie went to college and left Kate to care for their ailing father. In a show of reconciliation, several years after moving out, Angie invites Kate to her bachelorette party held at a remote house booked on a home-sharing app. The women are unaware that by booking this house, they’re walking into a trap set in motion by a disturbed family of amateur killers.”

Hey disturbed family of AMATEUR killers — practice makes perfect. P.S. Don’t really go out and kill anyone to gain life experience.

Luz

LUZ (2018)
“Fleeing from the grasp of a possessed woman, a distressed cabdriver begins a confession in a rundown police station that endangers everyone who crosses her path.”

Um, aren’t most people who ride in cabs possessed in some way or another? I know I am. In fact, whenever I take a Lyft™ after stopping by favorite bar for seven hours, my head spins around, I spew a green vomit substance and I curse as though a somewhat clean crucifix was stuck in my fuzzy wuzzy. (Note to Lyft™ — If I promise to quit doing all of the above in your otherwise clean vehicles, can you lyft the ban?)

Virgin Vampires With Full Moons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Wedding Night

The Devil’s Wedding Night (aka, The Devil’s Crypt, Full Moon of the Virgins, Il Plenilunio delle Vergini/Italy, 1973) isn’t nearly as lip-smacking as it sounds. In fact, the Devil doesn’t even show up to his own happiest day. (Who can blame him? His brides/victims won’t sign a pre-nup.) But you don’t need him when you have a clothes-hating, female vampire bathing in human blood squeezings, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

Two handsome brothers are twin archaeologists. One likes to gamble and make smooch happen with chicks. One wants to find the invaluable Ring of the Nibelung (it has mind-moisturizing properties), said to be in Castle Dracula in Transylvania, high up in the Carpathian Ski Mountains. Since this in the early 1900s and there is no Uber or Lyft to get him there, he has to ride his horse. (He never tips the pony or gives it a good rating, the jerk.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

Once at the castle, handsome twin #2 knocks on the door and tells the emotionless gal he’s an architect and wants to study the castle’s feng shui. While wandering around like a snoopy guest opening up underwear drawers and medicine cabinets, he hears a shrieking sound and sees moving shadows. It’s here he meets Countess Dracula, who invites him to stay for dinner and dessert, if you get my drift. Turns out, he’s the main course, but not before a little rub-a-dub.

The Devil's Wedding Night

While this shameful action is going on, his brother is hot on the trail, rushing to bring him a protective amulet to ward away evil. Ironic, since the fabled jewelry is said to have been fashioned by Pazuzu, King of the Demons. (I would’ve thought P would be more into Gothic cabinetry than homemade jewelry.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

As it so happens, tonight is the full moon of the virgins, wherein five as yet undefiled young gals from the nearby village fall under the ring’s spell, and they all walk to the castle at midnight, where in Countess Dracula extracts their blood and slathers it all over herself, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

There’s a lot of running around the castle holding lit candles since the psychedelic, rainless lightning storm raging outside must’ve knocked out the power. Handsome twin brother #1 eventually stumbles across his brother entombed in a stone coffin and beats down a bald male vampire with sick thick eyebrows to rescue him.

The Devil's Wedding Night

The virgins show up, the countess turns into a giant bat, the handsome brother chops off her hand, snags the ring, gives his brother an economic, in-ground burial after serving up a stake well done.

So even as “meh” as this all is, stick around for the double twist ending. It will make you believe in the power of jewelry.

Asian Zombie Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

When you stop whatever it is you’re doing and watch Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters (aka, The Era of Vampires/2002), a made-in-Hong-Kong period piece (ancient 19th Century days), you’re gonna learn some things about vampires and zombies that you never knew.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

First, vampires and zombies are one in the same. Crazy talk, I know. But when a person dies and is buried in a p*ssed off state of mind, that anger energy festers and reanimates your death bod. When you come out of the grave and go on an “all the flesh you can eat” binge, then you change into a vampire. It should be noted that while in zombie and vampire mode, your face looks like deceased meatloaf. And the only thing that goes with that is human ketchup. (Note: In zombie form, you can still be “cured” with coffin wood powder. I think you can get it at GNC™.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Along with their master, four kung fu disciples — Rain, Lightning, Thunder, and Wind (graduates from the Taoist Mao Shan School of Magic) and a gaggle of disposable soldiers — tirelessly roam the land for zombie vampires. They do this at night because vampires look cooler after the sun goes down. Doesn’t take long to find one — and it just happens to be general of some recognition. The combative thing shoots out of the ground, flies around, and sucks blood right out of your proprietary orifices — from a foot away! Wish my vacuum cleaner had that kind of sucking power.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Someone screws up (looking in your direction disposable solider #6), resulting in a huge explosion due to methane gas turning the air explosive. This made everyone think Master Jing (It rhymes with ‘blaster zing”) was barbecued. (He wasn’t, but got separated from the tour.) Now it’s on, with the band, whose descendants I think formed Earth, Wind & Fire, tracking errant vampires, all the while meeting chicks, finding gold and living up to their frat pledge: “Turn it up I can’t hear, more chicks more beer!” Okay, that was my frat motto — and I didn’t even go to college. Heh.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The House of Jiang is rich and loaded with gold that everybody keeps trying to steal. And there’s zombies in the basement. The Jiangs have been preserving their departed loved ones in wax and keeping them around the house like objet d’art. You can see where this is going. Master Jiang turns out to be an extremely accomplished vampire with car exhaust breath, and engages in an epic, gory, kung-fu acrobatic, sword slicing, hi-flying battle with the gang and their reunited master. (His explanation as to why he’s been gone all these months is pretty funny.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The fight takes an unexpected turn when sticks of dynamite are introduced to the mix. But it’s the last shot of 100 (maybe there was 97) zombies in the basement that sets up a sequel that either never happened or I didn’t see. What’s the difference? In all, an entertaining waste of time.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

GoD is a Helluva GaL

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Trance

So the coffin everyone seeks in the Asian horror/fantasy flick Death Trance (2006) is reputed to either grant your wildest wishes or release the Goddess of Destruction. Guess which one this does?

Death Trance

An ancient Asian duplex/temple where the coffin has been baby-sat for years, is stolen by a martial arts expert who defends his prize by kicking everyone in the face. A wussy monk from the Tougan Temple has been tasked with bringing the coffin back and is given a sword, that when unsheathed, will help put back in the box whatever/whomever is let out.

Death Trance

Along the journey into the Forest of the Face-Kicks (that’s what I’m calling it, anyway), another guy seeking the coffin shows up to kick people in the face. Then a chick arrives who does pretty much the same thing. By the time the coffin is opened and the Goddess of Destruction is let loose to wreck everything, you’re left wondering what the point was to all of this. I was unable to figure it out — and I have a high school degree.

Death Trance

Lots of face kicking and ninja action. The GoD (oh, hey — I just got that abbreviation — thank you high school degree) lays waste to everything, but not before doing battle with the guy who stole the coffin in the first place. He got his wish. Can you figure out what it was? Only if you have the proper schooling accreditation. Like me.

Sucking in the 2000s

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dracula 2000

Drac is back and on the attack. (I should be a rapper; All I need is some fresh beats.) In an interesting updating of the vampire monarch’s diet of throats and human ketchup, Dracula 2000 (2000) takes place in the present, with Van HelsingDracula’s nemesis – also returning, keeping himself alive for 100 years with daily injections of D’s blood, as filtered through wiggly leeches. Eeewww!

Dracula 2000

Van Helsing keeps Drac’s body in an underground vault where hi-tech robbers believe there’s gold or discount coupons for yachts and corvettes. There’s not. So they steal the coffin and let the bat out of the bag.

Dracula 2000

The hunt takes everyone to New Orleans where Dracula 2000 sniffs out Van Helsing’s hotty Daughter 2000, who also pumps filtered vampire blood through her sexy veins. Why she doesn’t take off her clothes to combat eternal evil is anyone’s guess. (Dracula is such a wuss; always chasing after chicks who don’t want him.)

Dracula 2000

A few decapitations, a couple of impalings, a few laughs. The pacing is slow, Drac-Q-Lah isn’t particularly menacing, but there is a brief flash of boobs, Dracula’s other favorite body part to suck on. Otherwise, not the wholesale bloodfest it needed to be.

Soap Opera Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Dark Shadows

House of Dark Shadows (1970) is the movie spin-off of the syndicated horror soap opera Dark Shadows, which ran from 1966 to 1971. The TV series featured a resurrected family vampire, a ghost and a werewolf. It also featured a scheming grounds keeper named Willy. I think it’s a rule that all groundskeepers are named Willy.

House of Dark Shadows

I tried watching Dark Shadows as a kid, but could only get a few episodes in because the storyline moved way too slow for my Kool-Aid™ amped brain. I wanted vampires, ghosts and werewolves, but only got a bunch of dramatic yapping. Odd I should watch the movie version, which doesn’t have a ghost of werewolf, and STILL has a lot of yapping.

House of Dark Shadows

House of Dark Shadows revolves around Barnabas Collins, who was “executed” by his dad in 1797 for being a vampire, and stuffed in a coffin wrapped in chains for all eternity. (Pretty harsh – most kids just get sent to their rooms.) But thanks to the scheming Willy, Barnabas was released from his family crypt where he could rise and suck the aristocratic blood from the necks of his Goth mansion ancestors. That, and to take a bride and feel up her neck with his primary incisors.

House of Dark Shadows

A lot of the story lines relate back to the TV series, but still with way too many characters to keep track of. I just wanted to see Barnabas do his neck-puncturing routine, which he does on several hot young gals. He leaves ragged holes in their necks, so high collars/scarves are the order of the day to keep suspicions at bay.

House of dark Shadows

Doesn’t work. Several people are on to Barnabas, one of which is a female doctor who promises an injectable cure for his sucking in exchange for him not sucking on her. When she finds out he’s to marry some young thang, she gets all jealous and betrays him halfway through the cure and he turns into an undead prune face. (This was part of the TV storyline.)

House of Dark Shadows

More biting, more screaming and some of the reddest blood you’ll ever see on film. This was a pleasant surprise as the some of the first TV shows were in spookified black and white. Black and white blood looks more like chocolate syrup. (Note: If necks bled chocolate syrup, I’d sign up to be a vampire right the heck now.)

Aliens, Zombies, Ghosts, Frogs & Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

10 Cloverfield Lane

Always look forward to the avalanche of post-holiday upcoming horror/sci-fi movies  every year. Why? More couch/snack time, b*tches! You wouldn’t want me to deny the couch the glory of my glory, would you? I sure as flip hope not.

Cloverfield

Anyway, a preview of six new impending new ones, starting with the tantalizing 10 Cloverfield Lane (March 11, 2016), which many Internet butt trolls are insisting is a sequel to 2008’s mega cool monster movie, Cloverfield. (The same thing was theorized about Super 8/2011).It’s made by the same guy, so there’s a legit connection. Plus it has the word “Cloverfield” in it, yet another “clue.”

Super 8

But other than those enigmatic ads, you really don’t get a sense of what the flip. The only fact for certain is they didn’t hire me as an extra. Those nobs.

Alienated

Up next is Alienated, due out March 25 theaters/March 31 VOD. Here’s the who/what/where on the dealio: “Alienated is a science-fiction chiller that tells the story of a married couple forced to confront their fatal relationship issues while on the brink of a possible alien abduction.”

I can guess what their problem is: Not enough probing, followed by too much probing. Marriages and exploratory extraterrestrials don’t really mix. Unless you live in a trailer park.

Dead Afterlife

Dead Afterlife is a sci-fi/ghost/zombie/religion/drug movie releasing sometime in 2016. Here’s what the studio’s front desk told me about it to get me to quit calling: “Imagine watching your own funeral as a ghost and then the unthinkable happens, your undead body climbs out of your coffin and starts killing and eating your friends and family. What would you do?”

That’s an easy one – I’d sh*t my pants, then immediately head to the nearest gas station restroom to freshen up. But they go on to say that after pharmaceutical scientist, Donald Conlee dies, his problems are just beginning. “The Gatekeeper has given Donald a time limit to return his zombie self to the ground – or else his soul can never gain access into Heaven. To complicate matters, he finds out his murderer is at the funeral and his girlfriend is in grave danger.”

Don’t you mean “former girlfriend”? If she was smart, she’d be re-hooked up the second the last shovel full of dirt sealed the deal.

Bad Blood

More drugs with Bad Blood (March, 2006). Frogs, too. (Not sure, but I think I overheard some hippies talking about licking frogs to get high. When you stick a reptile in your mouth, you pretty much deserve what you get.) Anyway…

“Parents suspect drugs are behind their missing daughter and hire a private investigator to get her back. The reality, however, is much worse – a horrific amphibian attack has left the girl infected with a mutagenic disease.”

Hey hippies – try licking the diseased daughter and see where that’ll take your mind, you morons.

The Darkness

The painfully generic titled The Darkness (May 13, 2016) is about a supernatural whozit who pretty much does what all supernatural whozits do: “As a family returns from a vacation they innocently bring home a supernatural force that preys off their own fears and vulnerabilities, threatening to destroy them from within while consuming their lives with terrifying consequences.

YOL. (Yawn out loud.)

The Other Side of the Door

The Other Side of the Door (March 4, 2016) comes across as YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol Monkey’s Paw dealio, best done as Pet Sematary back in 1983: “A mother lost her son and discovers a ritual that lets her say goodbye to her dead child and mistakenly opens the veil between the dead and this world. Now she has to risk all to save her family from the spirit that was her dear son.”

I bet the ritual came with a chant to resurrect her dead kid: “Clean your room, eat your vegetables, quit killing your sister…”