Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Chinese Demon Sex

If you’re in the mood for sub-titled foreign fantasy horror that has lots and lots of soft-core sex, tops to bottoms naked nudity and a three-headed demon, you need look no further than Erotic Ghost Story (1990), a Chinese cult classic.

In ancient days, three fairy ghosts get turned into human as busom-y, sexually gassed up gals. The supernatural rule says that if they can maintain their busom-y forms for 36 days, they will become immortal. Sounds simple enough until a Taoist priest with sorcery powers warns them not to give into their growing urge to merge – or pay the consequences. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

The girls – So-So, Fei-Fei, and Hua-Hua – were doing just fine until the fires down below start burning. They play with themselves. They play with each other. And they play with Wu Ming, a young scholar living nearby. One by one, each seduces him – ON THE SAME DAY – in what can only be described as prolonged, up close and personal boinking. The longing ladies don’t know it, but they just knocked clogs with a demon, which explains how he could rise to the occasion three times ON THE SAME DAY.

A love rectangle forms and all four frolic nakedly in hot spring ponds, squeeze and grope and splish splash water on each other. One day, while giving their loins some much needed time off, the gals discover their bodies are slowly changing into animal form. (STDs were kinda different back in ancient days.)

Not happy about this, they go to Wu Ming’s hut to find out what’s what, only to see he has their uppity neighbor lady stripped and strung up while he changes into his demon form to get in a little happy time. A failed confrontation complete with colored lightning, wind and swirly beams has the gals beaten. Wu Ming then casts a spell that hypnotizes them into taking off their clothes and turning green. (These days it only takes a six or seven cocktails.)

Before Ming can do his thing, the magical Taoist priest flys out of the sky to battle the demon, who has now revealed his true three-headed self. The priest unleashes in the east and the problem is solved, but not before he reprimands the now re-dressed/de-greened girls. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

Note to reader: Please get permission from your mom to watch this movie.

Fruit-Flavored Witches

The new horror movie Cherry Tree (release pending, 2015) – not to be thought of as a sequel to the horroresque Cherry Tree Lane (2010) – is an odd title for a movie about witches, dark rituals and…gasp!…pregnancy. That is so icky.

So in Cherry Tree, a female hockey coach turns out to be the head of a centuries-old witch’s coven. (I knew I didn’t like hockey for a reason. And don’t get me started on goat-worshipping basketball players.)

Anyway, this hockey team/coven uses cherries from an ancient cherry tree to bring life back to the dead and dying. Not surprising cherries can do that; those little round flavor bombs with pits that can chip your teeth are good for you. And cherry juice tastes good in cocktails. Not in beer, though.

Coincidentally, a gal named Faith (seriously?) finds out her dad is dying. So she gets offered a deal by Team Coven to cure her dad in exchange for a newborn. Seems like an equitable arrangement. But soon Faith finds herself preggo and the fetus growing at an accelerated rate. Again, thank cherries – those things are, like, superfood.

But as with every bargain struck by an evil hockey team, there is a price to be paid – and it isn’t the Stanley Cup™. Nope, Faith and her fruit-cured dad have to do battle with the coven and hope humanity doesn’t end up in the penalty box.

Yep, kinda bored today.

Coach Class Werewolf

Is it just my fertile imagination or are there more movies being made about werewolves as of late? Besides the fact werewolves – or “wolf men” – are gooning out my neighborhood and digging through trash cans for human entrails (next block over, you hairy dumbf*cks), it seems I wake every morning at noon to find YET ANOTHER werewolf movie is about to go to market.

Is this a bad thing? I say HECK NO! Werewolves are all purpose apex predators and don’t wear Hot Topic™ clothes and act all depressed and Goth-y like vampires do. Nor do werewolves drop out of the sky in tornadoes. Nope, just good old fashion die/kill/bleed. Or the reverse of that. See how versatile werewolves are?

So there’s this new werewolf move called Howl (release date pending 2015), not to be confused with that 2010 James Franco movie of the same name where he plays professional hippie Allen Ginsberg who yaps about his life and art. Nor is Howl to be associated with all those wretched The Howling sequels. (The original one in 1981 was pretty cool, though).

Nope, this Howl has a werewolf or two, a train and human entrails not yet committed to recycling. Here’s the plot…

“Joe, a young ticket collector, is riding the last train out of London on a dark and stormy night along with a meager bunch of passengers. When the train brakes violently and comes to a sudden halt deep in the middle of a forest, it seems they have hit something on the line. But when the driver ventures out to investigate, he never returns, leaving the passengers in a state of panic – particularly when Joe sees the driver’s mutilated body outside the carriage.”

“Realizing there’s something dangerous lurking in the forest, Joe tells the passengers to make barricades to secure themselves in the carriage, but soon the deadly creature is stalking the besieged train and smashing through their defenses, picking them off one-by-one. Joe rallies his “pack” of passengers to fight back. During a vicious battle they manage to kill the creature, revealing it to be a hideous mutated fusion of human and wild animal – a werewolf. However, celebrations are cut short when they hear more howls coming from the forest…”

Howl stars Sean Pertwee, who appeared in the superior werewolf movie Dog Soldiers in 2002. He has experience dealing with these ferocious flea bags and is a good choice to have on board. And the train probably has a bar on it. Werewolves, trains and cocktails. I smell a sequel coming on.