Archive for cocktails

Chinese Demon Sex

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Erotic Ghost Story

If you’re in the mood for sub-titled foreign fantasy horror that has lots and lots of soft-core sex, tops to bottoms naked nudity and a three-headed demon, you need look no further than Erotic Ghost Story (1990), a Chinese cult classic.

Erotic Ghost Story

In ancient days, three fairy ghosts get turned into human as busom-y, sexually gassed up gals. The supernatural rule says that if they can maintain their busom-y forms for 36 days, they will become immortal. Sounds simple enough until a Taoist priest with sorcery powers warns them not to give into their growing urge to merge – or pay the consequences. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

Erotic Ghost Story

The girls – So-So, Fei-Fei, and Hua-Hua – were doing just fine until the fires down below start burning. They play with themselves. They play with each other. And they play with Wu Ming, a young scholar living nearby. One by one, each seduces him – ON THE SAME DAY – in what can only be described as prolonged, up close and personal boinking. The longing ladies don’t know it, but they just knocked clogs with a demon, which explains how he could rise to the occasion three times ON THE SAME DAY.

Erotic Ghost Story

A love rectangle forms and all four frolic nakedly in hot spring ponds, squeeze and grope and splish splash water on each other. One day, while giving their loins some much needed time off, the gals discover their bodies are slowly changing into animal form. (STDs were kinda different back in ancient days.)

Erotic Ghost Story

Not happy about this, they go to Wu Ming’s hut to find out what’s what, only to see he has their uppity neighbor lady stripped and strung up while he changes into his demon form to get in a little happy time. A failed confrontation complete with colored lightning, wind and swirly beams has the gals beaten. Wu Ming then casts a spell that hypnotizes them into taking off their clothes and turning green. (These days it only takes a six or seven cocktails.)

Erotic Ghost Story

Before Ming can do his thing, the magical Taoist priest flys out of the sky to battle the demon, who has now revealed his true three-headed self. The priest unleashes in the east and the problem is solved, but not before he reprimands the now re-dressed/de-greened girls. Taoist priests can be such buzzkills.

Note to reader: Please get permission from your mom to watch this movie.

Fruit-Flavored Witches

Posted in Evil, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cherry Tree

The new horror movie Cherry Tree (release pending, 2015) – not to be thought of as a sequel to the horroresque Cherry Tree Lane (2010) – is an odd title for a movie about witches, dark rituals and…gasp!…pregnancy. That is so icky.

So in Cherry Tree, a female hockey coach turns out to be the head of a centuries-old witch’s coven. (I knew I didn’t like hockey for a reason. And don’t get me started on goat-worshipping basketball players.)

Anyway, this hockey team/coven uses cherries from an ancient cherry tree to bring life back to the dead and dying. Not surprising cherries can do that; those little round flavor bombs with pits that can chip your teeth are good for you. And cherry juice tastes good in cocktails. Not in beer, though.

Coincidentally, a gal named Faith (seriously?) finds out her dad is dying. So she gets offered a deal by Team Coven to cure her dad in exchange for a newborn. Seems like an equitable arrangement. But soon Faith finds herself preggo and the fetus growing at an accelerated rate. Again, thank cherries – those things are, like, superfood.

But as with every bargain struck by an evil hockey team, there is a price to be paid – and it isn’t the Stanley Cup™. Nope, Faith and her fruit-cured dad have to do battle with the coven and hope humanity doesn’t end up in the penalty box.

Yep, kinda bored today.

Coach Class Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Howl

Is it just my fertile imagination or are there more movies being made about werewolves as of late? Besides the fact werewolves – or “wolf men” – are gooning out my neighborhood and digging through trash cans for human entrails (next block over, you hairy dumbf*cks), it seems I wake every morning at noon to find YET ANOTHER werewolf movie is about to go to market.

Is this a bad thing? I say HECK NO! Werewolves are all purpose apex predators and don’t wear Hot Topic™ clothes and act all depressed and Goth-y like vampires do. Nor do werewolves drop out of the sky in tornadoes. Nope, just good old fashion die/kill/bleed. Or the reverse of that. See how versatile werewolves are?

Howl

So there’s this new werewolf move called Howl (release date pending 2015), not to be confused with that 2010 James Franco movie of the same name where he plays professional hippie Allen Ginsberg who yaps about his life and art. Nor is Howl to be associated with all those wretched The Howling sequels. (The original one in 1981 was pretty cool, though).

The Howling

Nope, this Howl has a werewolf or two, a train and human entrails not yet committed to recycling. Here’s the plot…

“Joe, a young ticket collector, is riding the last train out of London on a dark and stormy night along with a meager bunch of passengers. When the train brakes violently and comes to a sudden halt deep in the middle of a forest, it seems they have hit something on the line. But when the driver ventures out to investigate, he never returns, leaving the passengers in a state of panic – particularly when Joe sees the driver’s mutilated body outside the carriage.”

Howl

“Realizing there’s something dangerous lurking in the forest, Joe tells the passengers to make barricades to secure themselves in the carriage, but soon the deadly creature is stalking the besieged train and smashing through their defenses, picking them off one-by-one. Joe rallies his “pack” of passengers to fight back. During a vicious battle they manage to kill the creature, revealing it to be a hideous mutated fusion of human and wild animal – a werewolf. However, celebrations are cut short when they hear more howls coming from the forest…”

Dog Soldiers

Howl stars Sean Pertwee, who appeared in the superior werewolf movie Dog Soldiers in 2002. He has experience dealing with these ferocious flea bags and is a good choice to have on board. And the train probably has a bar on it. Werewolves, trains and cocktails. I smell a sequel coming on.