Exhibitionist Horror, Circus Superheroes, Polar Roid-Rage

If there was ever a reason to move to Los Angeles, Burbank’s Mystic Museum is premiering Y2Kills: A Horror Immersive Experience, a tribute to horror of the 2000s. Lots to celebrate here; this was the decade that gave us horror gems like Let The Right One In (2008), The Host (2006), Shaun of the Dead (2004), Paranormal Activity (2007), Dog Soldiers (2002), Cloverfield (2008), Dead Snow (2009), and more than I have space to laundry list here.

From Mystic Museum’s press release: “Y2Kills is a horror immersive experience that highlights the best horror has to offer through the lens of the first decade of the ‘00s. Featuring props, commissioned art pieces, photo opportunities, and everything from collectible art pieces to retro disposable cameras — Y2Kills will offer guests a horrific slice of Millennium nostalgia they won’t forget! The exhibit will also feature items from the private collections of Eli Roth (Hostels Part I & II), Michael Dougherty (Trick ‘r Treat, Krampus) — and an original soundtrack by composer Douglas Pipes (Trick ‘r Treat, Krampus).

Y2Kills opens April 15, 2023 at the Mystic Museum (3204 W Magnolia Blvd., Burbank, CA). Fangoria™ describes the Mystic Museum as “a must-see place for horror fans and freaks alike. Founded in 2013, the Museum has blessed horror fans with a whole range of immersive exhibits ranging from officially licensed (like the awesome The Evil Dead: An Immersive Experience, for one) to their own creations (the amazing Slashback Video, an homage to old-school video stores). $16 dollar admission tickets can be snapped up here. 

So while we all rent a LimeBike™ and head to Los Angeles where there is never any parking (you can leave the bike on any sidewalk for free), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be an immersive experience…

RIPPER’S REVENGE / April 11, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“One year on from the notorious ‘Jack The Ripper’ murders, the killings have stopped, but the identity of the killer remains a mystery. Down-at-heel newspaper reporter Sebastian Stubb has moved on to reporting on other scandals, but when a new ‘Ripper’ letter appears on his desk and the killings start again, he unwittingly finds himself at the center of a new mystery. Has the ‘Ripper’ returned, or is it a copycat killer? Or something else entirely?”

Jack The Ripper shouldn’t be that hard to find. Just look for someone with expertly torn britches. It’s how he got his name. Maybe he should team up with Jack The Stitcher.

SHIN KAMEN RIDER / Release pending 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“College student and motorcycle enthusiast Takeshi Hongo is abducted by the evil organization S.H.O.C.K.E.R. and converted into a cyborg as part of their plans for world domination. Before they can brainwash him to do their bidding, he escapes and uses his new enhanced abilities as Kamen Rider to wage a one-man war against S.H.O.C.K.E.R.”

I thought Shin Kamen Rider was a sodium-heavy cup of noodles (just add hot water and the chemically-flavored spice packet. But turns out Shin Kamen Rider is a Japanese tokusatsu superhero fantasy film based on the character from the TV series/spin-offs. I hope this movie is as tasty as those sodium-heavy cups of noodles.

FREAKS VS. THE REICH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Looking to flee the Nazi menace for the shores of America are four super-powered circus performers: there’s beautiful, young, electrically-charged Matilde, Cencio, an albino with the ability to control insects, Mario, a dwarf graced with magnetic powers, and Fulvio, a strongman covered from head to toe with hair. On their heels is the psychotic Franz, an ether-addicted, six-fingered Nazi who runs the nearby circus and believes that the supernaturally gifted quartet will help him turn the tide of the war, delivering the ultimate victory for Hitler and the Reich. Will the ‘freaks’ be able to escape the grasp of the brutal Nazis or will their incredible powers be harnessed in a way that could change both their destinies and the entire course of history forever?”

Marvel™ should forget about trying to get the Fantastic Four to work (four box office flops and two tepid seasons as a TV series); these four super-powered circus performers — with magnets, electricity, bugs and hippie hair — are a clear choice to replace the Fantastic Fail.

PAWS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Young scientist Nook is on board a research ship in the Arctic. Reformed oil billionaire Fox is funding the crews’ efforts to fight climate change. Just when Nook learns that Fox’s interest is not so much in saving the planet but exploring and claiming fresh oil fields, their ship crashes. The crew search an abandoned Russian ghost-ship looking for a radio, but uncover a horrific threat: Inside the rusty trawler a monstrous polar bear mother has been trapped with her cub. Not only will the animal defend her nest but has grown very hungry and will seize the opportunity to feed on the survivors.”

They had me at feed on the survivors.

Cloverfield in Space, The Search for Bigfoot, Mutant Fish ‘n Chips

The big horror/sci-fi news came on the cleated heels of Superbowl LII — The Cloverfield Paradox (2018), a highly anticipated installment in the Cloverfield franchise — showed up on Netflix™ the second the world’s most overpaid football game ended. This caused my blood pressure to go off the charts as the movie was first titled God Particle. Then it had a movie theater release date, but scrapped that a the last minute and put it up on Netflix™. I did what anyone would do in this situation — drink a refreshing adult beverage to regain self control, and then watched it.

Here’s the premise…

“An American space station that, after an accident with a particle accelerator, suddenly finds that Earth has vanished altogether. Things get stranger when they then pick up traces of another space station nearby.”

Rather bland considering it was meant to tie up loose ends left loose by Cloverfield (2008) and 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). But critics were not impressed and had this to say about the admittedly confusing movie: “A trainwreck of a sci-fi flick bent on extending a franchise that should have died a peaceful death almost exactly one decade ago…” — Hollywood Reporter; “While there are a handful of nifty sequences and good performances overall, this feels like a blown-out pilot for one of those SyFy™ series you always mean to get around to but never do…” — Thrillist; and more succinctly, “The Cloverfield Paradox is an unholy mess…” — The Guardian. Ouch.

Whether or not you watch it and decide to go all mob mentality on The Cloverfield Paradox, here are a few more just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi documentaries/movies that may or may not turn out to be an unholy mess…

EXPEDITION SASQUATCH (available now)
“A new documentary about the Sasquatch of Nordegg, Alberta. This area has become increasingly popular among Bigfoot researchers and enthusiasts due to the baffling tree structures that can be found in the area.”

Checked on Expedia.com and I can fly from Seattle, to Nordegg, Alberta — round-trip — for $296 smackos. Once in Nordegg (that name sounds so mad up), I’ll be able to Air BnB it with my ‘ol pal, Bigfoot. It’d be cool if he had some Unibroue La Fin Du Monde on ice waitin’ for me. That stuff is 9% alcohol and a few bottles of that will have you seeing mythical monsters all over the place.

ASYLUM OF FEAR (available now)
“When a team of paranormal investigators is hired to inspect a soon-to-be demolished mental institution, they discover horrifying clues that reveal the cause of a violent massacre by an insane doctor in the 1960s.”

Don’t they know mental institutions are supposed to be abandoned and subsequently haunted and not knocked down to make room for YET ANOTHER Starbucks™? Still, the generic Asylum of Fear makes sense that the place was f’d up by an insane doctor. At least he was in the right place. You don’t bring a knife to a gunfight.

THE BARGE PEOPLE (2018)
“Set on the canals amid the glorious British countryside, two sisters and their boyfriends head off for a relaxing weekend away on a barge, unaware of the flesh-eating fish mutants lurking in the water, ready and waiting to feed.”

Flesh-eating fish mutants lining up to dine on barge food? Do fries go with that? Regardless, I’d like to reserve a table, close to the docks, if possible.

NOVEMBER (2018)
“The story is set in a pagan Estonian village where werewolves, the plague, and spirits roam. The villagers’ main problem is how to survive the cold, dark winter. And, to that aim, nothing is taboo. People steal from each other, from their German manor lords, and from spirits, the devil, and Christ. To guard their souls, they’ll give them away to thieving creatures made of wood and metal called Kratts, who help their masters by stealing more.”

The trailer for this is very art house-y. But gotta say, the wood and metal Kratt creatures are pretty cool and candidates for McDonald’s Happy Meal™ toys. (Last Happy Meal™ I got had a toy napkin in the box. Sure, those things are fun to play with, but I wanted a Cloverfield action figure, dang it.

Horror Icon, Sci-Fi God, Native American Ghosts

In place of my usual incitefully snarky (ahem) blog entry intro, I’d like to express my saddened thoughts on the recent, untimely passing of legendary horror filmmaker George A. Romero, 77, who was inarguably the father of the contemporary zombie movie genre.

George, as you should know, was the man behind the timeless and rule-breaking Night of the Living Dead back in 1968. He went on to make such VHS stand-outs as The Crazies (1973), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and The Dark Half (1993), as well as more zombie legacy movies. George, you are, and will continue to be, greatly missed.

Here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may not be missed. Or may.

GOD PARTICLE (October 27, 2017)
“A team of astronauts aboard a space station find themselves alone after a scientific experiment involving a particle accelerator makes the Earth vanish. When a space shuttle appears, the space station crew must fight for survival following their horrible discovery.”

The Internet (or “the biggest toilet in the matrix) is claiming this is the third installment of the sorta Cloverfield series. I sure the f-word hope so, as I had more than a few questions after the sorta sequel 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). A few, though, had been answered by some rather impressive researched clues on YouTube™ that connects Cloverfield (2009) and the second flick-o-rama, with 10 Cloverfield Lane’s Howard Stambler (played by the awesome John Goodman) being the connecting link. (Crap — and all this time I thought it was the aliens.)

Wikipedia™ has this to say about that: “The first hints God Particle was connected to the Cloverfield brand came when a piece of the viral marketing for 10 Cloverfield Lane included a sound clip that was supposedly from the International Space Station.”

Rather than use up your vision with my half-assed summation, get on YouTube™ and pull up Cloverfield; you’ll be amazed — and aghast — that someone would spend so much time digging for very deep clues/answers. The only thing I research are bar stools.

AKUMA (2017)
“Akira Tanaka, a young and attractive but emotionally damaged Japanese woman moves to the United States to escape a past marked by tragedy. She moves in with her sister Hana and her new husband Adam, hoping to leave her demons behind and start a new life. But as Akira’s behavior grows increasingly erratic and strange disturbances mark the night, Akira is forced to reveal her real reason for coming: to flee the malevolent spirit that has been tormenting her since childhood…and which appears to have followed her here.”

MOHAWK (2017/2018)
“After one of her tribe sets an American soldiers’ camp ablaze, a young female Mohawk finds herself pursued by a ruthless band of renegades bent on revenge. Fleeing deep into the woods, Mohawk youths Oak and Calvin confront the bloodthirsty Colonel Holt and his soldiers. As the Americans seem to close in from all sides, the trio must summon every resource — both real and supernatural — as the brutal attack escalates.”

Man, I wish I could summon supernatural resources. First, I’d have them get me a Frisko Freeze™ burger, just to clear my mind. Then, I’d have them build me an in-ground swimming pool. And once they bring me a case of Budweiser™, I’d float in my new in-ground swimming pool and drink it all and, in a hazy state, would unleash utter Heck on Earth. And have another Frisko Freeze™ burger.

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN (2018)
“Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming action adventure — The Six Billion Dollar Man — is an upgrade of the 1970s TV series The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Yeesh — that’s quite a price increase. Who do they think they are — Seattle landlords?

Some might remember the 1974 ABC series, starring Lee Majors as Col. Steve Austin, who had a near fatal car ka-BOOM and taxpayers funded his bionic arms, legs (and everything else that dangled) with hi-techery. Two things I remember from that TV show, which also spun-off The Bionic Woman in 1976. (She was rebuilt after a skydiving accident made her go splat.) First, Col. Austin always seemed to be wearing a red track suit. Unfashionable in any decade. Secondly, was that weirdly cool science-y reverb noise — sounding like a snapped bed spring — that happened every time he did something with his bionic add-ons. It’s available as a ringtone in case you want to be retro chic.

The Horror of 2016

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Best line in recent contemporary horror as whispered by the tempting, unseen evil thing in The Witch, one of the 2016’s least conventional but deliciously grim horror movies. I haven’t heard a line that good since “I know you are, but what am I?” from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

The second best line of dialogue of the year comes not from a horror/sci-fi movie, but from the TV series Supergirl: “It’s time to punch you in the face…” (Note to anyone not using glitter chapstick – Supergirl is faring far better under the CW™ tweener banner than it did with CBS™, who had no idea what to do with superheroes sporting abnormally perfect teeth and Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action™ complexions. This is CW’s™ wheelhouse, man.)

In a year fraught with horror (politics notwithstanding), there were more than a few genre movie and TV stand-outs. And while I’m a world famous (ahem) blogger of horror/sci-fi, this e-offering is not even close to being comprehensive and I am by no means an authority on the subject. (I’m an expert at being NOT an expert.)

Of the ton of big/low-budget genre movie/TV crap I’ve watched all year long, the following represents a few chunks of interesting crap therein. You don’t have to agree with me, though, just because I’m a world famous blogger [insert nervous cough here]…

THE WITCH
This unforgettable chiller introduced horror’s best new figurehead: Black Phillip, the Danny Trejo (or “Machete”) of badass barnyard animals.

SHIN GODZILLA
F-word amazing. They gave reboot G several insanely cool upgrades while holding true to Godzilla’s original hairstyle, including his “one-blow-blows-up-all” destructo breath: purple-y AND flame-y. That’s pretty sweet. Shin Godzilla, almost all filmed in broad daylight, shows Godzilla doing what he does best: making smash hits. I’d buy his album.

TRAIN TO BUSAN
A South Korean zombie movie that mops the floor with every other zombie movie released this year. So ridiculously intense is this thing (passengers trapped on a speeding commuter train while zombies board without passes), you don’t need English translation. (I went legit and watched it without sub-titles. That’s how I roll.)

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
Was this a sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield? There are those who walk among us that say yes. Doesn’t matter — while the movie climaxed with alien stuff (if you didn’t already know that — ha!), it’s the premise of several super tense characters in a rural underground survivalist bunker (two of which are there involuntarily) that brings the real horror.

ROB ZOMBIE’S 31
Like him or not, Rob Zombie always makes stomach-turning, gritty and gory horror movies. This one puts a group of traveling carnival white trash performers in a huge maze inside a huge warehouse-y type building, facing off in a brutal do-or-die obstacle course with highly colorful and pretty darn mean maniacs (Doom-Head, Sick-Head, Schizo-Head, Psycho-Head, Death-Head, Sex-Head), all wielding power tools. Make it out of the building, you live. Sort of.

PHANTASM RAVAGER
Does this final installment of the surreal and beloved Phantasm franchise deliver the groceries? Yes and not yes. Given that it’s been nearly 20 years since the last one (Phantasm IV: Oblivion/1998) and brings back the original characters, all of which puts you in the zone, Phantasm Ravager still leaves a pile of unanswered questions, like what happened to Reggie’s 1971 Plymouth Barracuda (second only to the Batmobile in sleek coolness)? But hey, those iconic flying death spheres, aka, gasoline-powered sharp things? All over the freakin’ place.

DEADPOOL / CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR / BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE / SUICIDE SQUAD / DOCTOR STRANGE
Great year for great superhero movies. All of the above kicked ass to varying degrees of ass kicking. And Suicide Squad’s dementedly drop dead sexy Harley Quinn ranks with Deadpool and Black Phillip as a top genre icon of the year. (Godzilla’s already in the Hall of Fame, so giving somebody else a chance here.)

Honorary mention goes to Ben Affleck’s Batman, who puts the dark in Dark Knight. (He drinks the hard stuff, two syllable swears, horizontally smooches the ladies, takes pill-shaped drugs, beats people like drums then tortures/shoots them, and socks Superman right on his justice-shaped jaw. On top of that, he drives really fast and crashes into stuff. Batman gives driving lessons, not takes them.)

A few thoughts on some other this and thats…

ARRIVAL
Not just a good movie, but a great UFO movie that doesn’t rely on all out paranoid military warfare on our space brothers, who look a heckuva lot like seafood appetizers. P.S. to the Internet: I’ve seen nearly every UFO video on YouTube™ and they’re starting to look fake. I’m beginning to think UFOs aren’t real. But that’s probably just crazy talk.

THE SHALLOWS
You can still be the most heavy metal, human-gulping shark with extra teeth in the ocean, but you still take second seat to Blake Lively’s seat in a string bikini worn throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
An enthralling movie set in 1920s New York with wizards and a menagerie of off-the-hook mythical creatures and monsters, the likes of which have not been seen since the last WWE pay-per-view. Y’know, I bet Harry Potter fans might like this.

MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
In my day a home for peculiar children was called “summer camp.” A bunch of mutation kids with unique abilities: floating, projecting movies through eyes, starting fires by touching stuff, super strength, control of nature, and my fav, eating through a mouth on the back of your head. You could take down a Frisko Freeze™ double deluxe burger in one mouth while sucking down a chocolate shake with the other. I wouldst like to live deliciously.

THE BOY
Featured The Walking Dead’s walking gorgeous Lauren Cohan. I wasn’t aware of anything else in the movie. I think it had some sort of boy in it. I think he was a puppet, which is just plain weird.

MORGAN
A genetic experiment gone wrong — or right, depending on where you stand on a contemporary updating of Frankenstein (1931).

There were a few genre misfires this year, though, including Independence Day: Resurgence, (we need to issue a formal apology to extraterrestrials), X-Men: Apocalypse (yeesh, what a mutant mess) and Star Trek Beyond, which relied more on blowing up things than the story line. Speaking of, why do they have to keep exploding the USS Enterprise over and over? Man, I wanted to drive that thing.

So what do we have to look forward to from here? According to IMDB.com there’s approximately 1,000+ horror/sci-fi/fantasy/superhero movies (Wonder Woman – I await you) slated for release in 2017. Butt — meet couch. Like Doctor Strange, I’m looking through space and time (and Collider.com) for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Godzilla, King of Monsters (2019) and Godzilla vs. King Kong (hopefully before I croak). All the other stuff watched is what I’ll do to pass time/pass gas/pass out until those movies come to enrich my life.

Aliens, Zombies, Ghosts, Frogs & Hippies

Always look forward to the avalanche of post-holiday upcoming horror/sci-fi movies  every year. Why? More couch/snack time, b*tches! You wouldn’t want me to deny the couch the glory of my glory, would you? I sure as flip hope not.

Anyway, a preview of six new impending new ones, starting with the tantalizing 10 Cloverfield Lane (March 11, 2016), which many Internet butt trolls are insisting is a sequel to 2008’s mega cool monster movie, Cloverfield. (The same thing was theorized about Super 8/2011).It’s made by the same guy, so there’s a legit connection. Plus it has the word “Cloverfield” in it, yet another “clue.”

But other than those enigmatic ads, you really don’t get a sense of what the flip. The only fact for certain is they didn’t hire me as an extra. Those nobs.

Up next is Alienated, due out March 25 theaters/March 31 VOD. Here’s the who/what/where on the dealio: “Alienated is a science-fiction chiller that tells the story of a married couple forced to confront their fatal relationship issues while on the brink of a possible alien abduction.”

I can guess what their problem is: Not enough probing, followed by too much probing. Marriages and exploratory extraterrestrials don’t really mix. Unless you live in a trailer park.

Dead Afterlife is a sci-fi/ghost/zombie/religion/drug movie releasing sometime in 2016. Here’s what the studio’s front desk told me about it to get me to quit calling: “Imagine watching your own funeral as a ghost and then the unthinkable happens, your undead body climbs out of your coffin and starts killing and eating your friends and family. What would you do?”

That’s an easy one – I’d sh*t my pants, then immediately head to the nearest gas station restroom to freshen up. But they go on to say that after pharmaceutical scientist, Donald Conlee dies, his problems are just beginning. “The Gatekeeper has given Donald a time limit to return his zombie self to the ground – or else his soul can never gain access into Heaven. To complicate matters, he finds out his murderer is at the funeral and his girlfriend is in grave danger.”

Don’t you mean “former girlfriend”? If she was smart, she’d be re-hooked up the second the last shovel full of dirt sealed the deal.

More drugs with Bad Blood (March, 2006). Frogs, too. (Not sure, but I think I overheard some hippies talking about licking frogs to get high. When you stick a reptile in your mouth, you pretty much deserve what you get.) Anyway…

“Parents suspect drugs are behind their missing daughter and hire a private investigator to get her back. The reality, however, is much worse – a horrific amphibian attack has left the girl infected with a mutagenic disease.”

Hey hippies – try licking the diseased daughter and see where that’ll take your mind, you morons.

The painfully generic titled The Darkness (May 13, 2016) is about a supernatural whozit who pretty much does what all supernatural whozits do: “As a family returns from a vacation they innocently bring home a supernatural force that preys off their own fears and vulnerabilities, threatening to destroy them from within while consuming their lives with terrifying consequences.

YOL. (Yawn out loud.)

The Other Side of the Door (March 4, 2016) comes across as YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol Monkey’s Paw dealio, best done as Pet Sematary back in 1983: “A mother lost her son and discovers a ritual that lets her say goodbye to her dead child and mistakenly opens the veil between the dead and this world. Now she has to risk all to save her family from the spirit that was her dear son.”

I bet the ritual came with a chant to resurrect her dead kid: “Clean your room, eat your vegetables, quit killing your sister…”

A Monstrously Bad Monster

Monster (2008) is a Cloverfield (2008) knock-off so unbelievably bad, how anyone could claim writer’s credit for this pile of film droppings is more unbelievable. Hell, it’s not even good enough to be a rip-off.

Two American girls doing a hand-held camera documentary on global warming go to Japan to get their take on the whole pollution myth. While fumbling through an interview with the Minister of Garbage (great job title), a 7.5 earthquake rattles everyone’s teeth. Then another and another. An ominous roar is heard reverberating throughout the city and you hear (but don’t see) any buildings being destroyed, or more than three or four people in a city of eight million running for their lives.

This is the first 15 minutes. The rest of Monster is spent with the sisters trading the camera back and forth and crying, whining and checking their makeup. When the monster does show up (wiggling its patently fake rubber legs – less than 30 seconds total on-screen time), it’s so horribly pathetic, you wanna kill your TV.

The DVD cover promised a 200-foot multi-tentacled creature flipping buildings over. This does not happen. What does happen is you get extremely pissed for having wasted $3.99 on something that looked like it was made by a sixth-grader. (Note to six-graders: Sorry about that, but you’ll get your turn.)