Archive for Clive Barker

Hell Kids, Hell Zombies, Hell Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stranger Things 2 / A Nightmare on Elm Street

As you/me/I/us/them/they wait IMPATIENTLY for Stranger Things 2 (premiering Friday, October 27, 2017), news comes down the super fun happy slide the surprise horror hit has already been renewed for a third season. I needed some good news after waiting all day for that !@#$ “once-in-a-lifetime” eclipse to somehow destroy the world. (I know the eclipse was for free, but dang — I feel gypped.)

The new Stranger Things 2 key art is a slick homage to 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think about it, sleep slasher Freddy Krueger’s dream state world is the ‘80s version of Stranger Thing’s The Upside Down alternate universe/dimension/golf course. Regardless, I’ll have to go back to hoping for Melancholia to smash into this toilet Earth for my world-destroying fantasies.

While we wait for that planet to pinball ours, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to help cope with the disappointing, non-destructo eclipse

Little Evil

LITTLE EVIL (September 1, 2017/Netflix)
“Gary just married Samantha, only to find out that her 6-year-old son is the Antichrist.”

This horror comedy sounds fun/ny. But if the kid is the son of the Antichrist, does that men Samantha is the Mom Antichrist, or is this one of those, “it takes a village” things?

Hellriser

HELLRISER (October 9, 2017/UK)
“When their city is rocked by a series of brutal occult murders, veteran detective John Locke and his young partner Terri Keyes are forced to put aside their differences and follow the trail of evidence to a formerly abandoned asylum, where the new owner Dr. Unnseine is conducting his own brand of Nazi-inspired “medical research” on the unwilling inmates. One such inmate, the sexy but deadly Annie Dyer, may hold the key to the murders — and to the doorway to Hell itself — if only Locke and Keyes can stay alive long enough to discover what it is.”

Dawn of the Dead / Land of the Dead

As much as you’d think this is one of those Asylum Studio rip-offs, it is, unfortunately, from another source of rip-offery. Obviously, the title is lifted from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser (1987). Then there’s the “When there’s no more room in Hell…” kicker line on the key art, a bold shoplift from 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Wondering why the filmmakers didn’t just put it all on the glass and have the zombies wearing Goth leather and walking around with nails in their heads, like those teens at the mall.

Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN’S CURSE (2018)
“Set in the 15th Century in the Austrian Alps, Hagazussa takes us back to a dark period when pagan beliefs of witches spread fear into the minds of the rural folk exploring the thin line between ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis.”

Ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis. That may be f’d up for those in the Austrian Alps, but for me it’s just another night at The Poggie Tavern. I like witches, though. The sexy ones on TV, not the stinky kind at the bar who smell like room temperature Steel Reserve malt liquor.

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth, struggles with the loss. She starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

They kinda hand this one to us one a parsley-garnished platter — the “supernatural entity” is the twin that didn’t make it to market. (A theory, not a conclusion.) By the way, do you want me to tell you what you’re getting for Christmas?

Werewolves, Vampires, Demons, Rap

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nails

A new batch of upcoming grisly goodies for you to evaluate and possibly pay the filmmaker’s rent by viewing ’em through the looking glass that is your wallet…

NAILS (2017)
“Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her.”

Pffft – the evil presence is the impending medical bill your health insurance won’t cover.

Tank 432

TANK 432 (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“On the run and with nowhere to hide, a group of soldiers and their two prisoners take cover from a mysterious enemy inside an abandoned military war tank. While they try to keep the forces outside at bay, secrets are uncovered and little do they realize the real enemy is already among them, locked inside Tank 432.”

This one’s been out in the UK since August of 2015. Even so, the press release all but gives away the punchline by pointing out one of the prisoners is a werewolf. Okay, I don’t know for sure he’s a werewolf. But in cases like these, it’s best to just go with werewolf. Works in a lot more real life applications than you’d think.

Raw

RAW (march 10, 2017 / Limited)
“Everyone in Justine’s family is a vet – and a vegetarian. At 16, she’s a brilliant and promising student. When she starts at veterinary school, she enters a decadent, merciless and dangerously seductive world. During the first week of hazing rituals, desperate to fit in whatever the cost, she strays from her family principles when she eats raw meat for the first time. Justine will soon face the terrible and unexpected consequences of her actions when her true self begins to emerge.”

When Animals Dream / Dread

Sounds like a mash-up of Denmark’s When Animals Dream (2014) and Clive Barker’s Dread (2009). As part of its “face your fears” experiment, Dread features a gal who was sexually abused by her father, an employee at a meat packing plant. Not shockingly, she can’t even smell meat being cooked without gooning out.

As a test, she’s involuntarily forced to reconsider her culinary aversion after being locked in a room for days with no food except you know what. She tries to hold out, but as science tells us, room temperature beef has a tendency to go maggot-y and rancid-y when left out. Still, better than whatever Gas-n-Go™ calls a burger these days.

That said, I’m guessing the girl in Raw is either a werewolf or a cannibal or a line chef at Gas-n-Go™. Or a combination thereof.

Evolution

EVOLUTION (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“A young boy living in a mysterious, isolated seaside clinic uncovers the sinister purposes of his keepers.”

I liked this better when it was called Morgan (2016). P.S. He’s probably a werewolf.

Bloodrunners

BLOODRUNNERS (2017)
“By 1933 Prohibition has proven a booming enterprise, where average citizens break the law, hide in the shadows and operate at night. While shaking down the newest speakeasy in the local underground, corrupt cop Jack Malone and his men uncover a clan of vampires hell bent on taking over the town. Now Chesterfield (Ice-T), an ancient vampire, and his horde must hide their secret at any cost.”

Rap/movie/media superstar Ice-T is pretty dang cool. More so as a vampire. I still think rap music sucks AND blows, though. (Note to rap music fans: There is a cure for your affliction – IRON MAIDEN.)

Yet Another Installment of Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Judgment

It’s a sad state of affairs when a popular horror movie franchise is put through the salad spinner so many times, it no longer resembles anything consumable.

While this has been famously done to cash cows such as the Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series (don’t get me started on the Police Academy abominations, of which there are seven), the release of Hellraiser: Judgment (pending 2016), brings the original once proud Hellraiser movie to a shaming eight sequels, six and a half of which are like watching a hobo sift through your garbage.

Hellraiser

Quite similar to a Cenobite torture, we’ve had to endure the punishing Hellraiser sequels for nearly the past three decades. In creator Clive Barker’s hands, this was a genre game changer, featuring open wound, flesh re-imagined creatures with cool Juda Priest-y heavy metal leather suits, the most iconic of which was/is Pinhead, a bald guy with nails pounded into right into his head/face/eyebrows. And he had a deep voice practically designed for late night FM radio and/or selling infomerical juicers.

But once the rights were cashed out, Pinhead was inevitably turned into the Ronald McDonald of horror, relieving the greasy golden arches from Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger, who also reigned over nine movies and Freddy’s Nightmares (1988 – 1990), a painfully dated (even when it came out) TV series with 44 episodes.

Hellraiser

Judging by the press release, Hellraiser: Judgment seems to be another case of “meet the new Cenobite, same as the old Cenobite”…

“Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to find a gruesome serial killer terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a spiraling maze of horror that may not be of this world. Could the Judgment awaiting the killer’s victims also be waiting for Sean?”

Yeesh – a hobo could’ve come up with that plot.

Hellraiser

Not surprised that whoever owns the rights to Hellraiser can’t figure out how to explore the depraved depths of the Pinhead character, and merely relegate him a bookend to pathetic scenarios. Only Clive Barker, who gave birth to Pinhead and the Cenobites in The Hellbound Heart first published in 1986, can/could take us to the depths of a grisly Hell, or as I call it, the Poggie Tavern (est. 1934), a few blocks south of Heaven, or “my neighborhood.”

Clearly, the real Pinheads are the ones still recycling Hellraiser. That said, here’s a Hellraiser laundry list of viewings for those wanting to pound metaphorical nails into eyeball flesh…

Hellraiser (1987), Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Hellraiser: Inferno (2000), Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002), Hellraiser: Deader (2005), Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005), Hellraiser: Revelations (2011).

Hell In A Box

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lament Configuration

Not getting your daily recommended allowance of pain and suffering? For $450.00 you can have an endless supply of anguish – and be the envy of the neighborhood while you’re at it.

I’m talking, of course, about owning your own limited edition Lament Configuration, that hell-ish Rubik’s Cube™ used to summon the pain/pleasure Cenobites from another dimension in the Hellraiser movies. Thing is, you really had to want to know the ultimate pain/pleasure in order to get the box to open. Apparently, my pain passion isn’t passionate enough as I own a plastic version of the Hell box and it pretty much does nothing. Goodbye $16.00 + tax.

Lament Configuration

But thanks to Clive Barker, the imagineer’r of the iconic Lament Configuration, you can get one fashioned after his own personal cube that’s been in his possession for over 25 years. From the press release: “Painstakingly molded, cast in resin and hand painted to preserve the look and patina of the original prop, each Lament Configuration is assembled in-house, onto a custom-made base and comes numbered with a Certificate of Authenticity.”

Lament Configuration

The authenticity is a big deal for me; If I shell out $450 fun fins and it doesn’t shoot out razor chains to hook my face and summon demons, then I want a remorse configuration clause in the warranty.

Here’s more info: “This item is being be pre-sold until January the 1st 2016, or to a maximum of 87 orders (which ever is reached first). No orders after this date shall be accepted. Nor shall this item be made available again. Shipping: February 2016.”

Hellraiser

Though the Lament Configuration is its Hollywood name, the puzzle portal is actually called Lemarchand’s Box, after its French designer, Philip Lemarchand. And here’s everything you’d ever want to know about going to Hell: “The  box is a mystical/mechanical device that acts as a door — or a key to a door — to another dimension or plane of existence.”

Lament Configuration

“The solution of the puzzle creates a bridge through which beings may travel in either direction across this ‘Schism.’The inhabitants of these other realms may seem demonic to humans. An ongoing debate in the film series is whether the realm accessed by the Lament Configuration is intended to be the Abrahamic version of Hell, or a dimension of endless pain and suffering that is original to the Hellraiser films.”

Wonder if I can get two of ’em?

P.S. Buy me one by clicking HERE

Getting Fired Up About Fire City

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 28, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fire City: End of Days

Two pet peeves about horror movies: a.) Getting so excited about a new one everyone’s e-chatting about I get pee shivers, and then not being able to find it, and 2.) Finally finding it, only to see title has been changed. I think horror movie directors do that just to personally goon me out.

Fire City: End of Days

Such is the case with the Nightbreed-esque Fire City: The Interpreter of Signs (2015), now sporting the slightly better title of Fire City: End of Days, arriving October 6, 2015 on DVD and VOD. Good thing; I’m not a fan of needlessly long movie titles. (Looking in your direction Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief/2010.)

Fire CIty: End of Days

Now that I got that off your chest, Fire City was near to impossible to find when it came out in April 2015. Unless you were a cast member (I wasn’t) or a writer for Fangoria (why won’t they hire me?), getting to see the movie with its gaggle of cool monster people giving the world a frowning of a lifetime was an exercise in futility. This pee shivered me off as I totally swallowed the press hype bait:

Fire City: End of Days

“Set in a world where demons live among us, this exhilarating vitrine of effects and action sees a hard-boiled demon named Vine confronted with the ultimate choice between the salvation of his own kind and the life of an innocent human girl…”

“A mix of horror, fantasy and mystery, with a dark, mature storybook aesthetic…”

Fire City follows a unique world where demons and men coexist with a parasite-host dynamic, as demons fuel the darker side of man’s impulses in order to feed off the relentless negativity…”

Fire City: End of Days

If parasitic demons fed off my relentless negativity, they’d all be fat. Heh. Regardless, I can put all this behind me once Fire City: End of Days is released in October. If at that point I still can’t find it, it’ll be Royal Fork Buffet™ time for demons.

Volumes of Blood

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Volumes of Blood

Almost freaked out in my pants when I saw the title Volumes of Blood (2105), which, in my conspiracy theorist addled brain, mistook as a rip-off of horror/fantasy icon Clive Barker’s Books of Blood series (Volumes 1 – 6, 1984 and 1985). You don’t mess with the Clive.

Anyway, after watching the trailer for Volumes of Blood (kinda cool) and admiring the ad sheet (old school cool), my panicked thoughts were suitably calmed. Here’s why: “Five tales of dread are interwoven when a sociology student gathers several of his friends at the local library on Halloween night to help him create a new urban legend with deadly consequences.”

Books of Blood

There’s more to it than that and the premise is promising, despite the title getting a little too close for comfort to a modern classic. But it’s proof that few on this planet have the depth of imagination as Clive Barker. And me. Mostly Clive, though.

Rawhead Rex

Even though a handful of the Books of Blood short stories have been adapted for film – some good (Midnight Meat Train/2008, The Forbidden filmed as Candyman/1992) and some still-awful-but-kinda-fun (Rawhead Rex/1986, The Last Illusion filmed as Lord of Illusions/1995) – you’re doing yourself a massive disservice by not grabbing the BoB compilations from Amazon.com and seeing where some groundbreaking horror continues to live.

Vision Impaired Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts (2002) is an Asian comedy/horror flick that totally stole from Clive Barker’s Ghost Boy, whose dad is a ghost and his mom not a ghost, which gives Ghost Boy the ability to see the land of the living with one eye and the land of the dead with the other. I’m guessing they don’t make contacts for people with this kind of vision impairment.

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

Regardless, Sammi is a gold-digging widower who discovers she has the same ability. (She married into money and her surviving in-laws want her gone, but now she’s gotten used to luxuries like butlers and control top panty-hose.)

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

Before she can fill her pool with Budweiser™ (that’s the first thing I’d do if I married into money), the dead need her to function as a spiritual conduit to funnel their one remaining wish in the land of those not yet deadened. Sammi doesn’t want to deal with any of this supernatural crap. She does, however, enlist the aid of a prank-pulling spirit to help her track down her husband’s soul.

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

More comedy than horror, I thought the concept was unique enough to give it a spin. The result? I was wrong, which is odd as I’ve never been wrong about anything in my entire life. Sammi’s easy to look at, but the rest of the movie I could’ve watched with just my left eye.