Bloody Vampires, Bloody Puppets, Bloody Expensive Guitars

With Game of Thrones dominating the non-political headlines, the series final season has people tripping all over themselves to cash in before its relegated to binge-watching re-runs. [Disclaimer: I tried to get into GoT and only made it through the first five episodes. There were so many characters/story lines that clashed with my attention deficit disorder, I’d have needed an abacus to keep track.]

Fender Custom Shop™ is releasing three GoT themed guitars. Even if you don’t play the git-fiddle, these things would make you look awesome just carrying ‘em around, like to the store or while commuting to work on a flying dragon. Here’s the deets:

“As opulent as its namesake — the ambitious house with designs on the Iron Throne — the Sigil Collection Game of Thrones House Lannister Jaguar is an homage to that avaricious clan. This bespoke guitar was painstakingly crafted by Principal Master Builder, Ron Thorn, who called on his extensive experience with materials to work 24k gold leaf into the elegant, sweeping form of the Jaguar. Crafted to order, this guitar could only have come from Westeros — and the Dream Factory, the Fender Custom Shop.”

“Avaricious” is an interesting term to use in a press release. It means “having or showing an extreme greed for wealth or material gain.” Well, heck — it’s like they’re inside my head! Unfortunately, my lack of wealth will keep me from buying one of these guitars, which range in price from $25,000 to $35,000.

If you need something to watch after Game of Thrones concludes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have been made for $25,000 to $35,000 smackos…

BLOOD FROM STONE (2019)
“A woman trying to escape the vampire’s grip, and struggles to cope with the vampire curse in a society where old ways refuse to die.”

Why fight it? I’d love to be a vampire. I kinda am already as I suck on long necks. Heh.

THE ROOM (2019)
“Kate and Matt are a young couple in their thirties in search of a more authentic and healthy life. They leave the city to move into an old house in the middle of nowhere. Soon they discover a secret hidden room that has the extraordinary power to materialize anything they wish for. Their new life becomes a true fairytale. They spend days and nights indulging their every desire of material possession, swimming in money and champagne. Yet beneath this apparent state of bliss, something darker lurks: some wishes can have dire consequences. That room could very well turn their dream into a nightmare when it gives them what they’ve been waiting forever and that nature was denying them.”

I liked it better when it was called The Monkey’s Paw.

BLOOD RISE: SUBSPECIES V (February 14, 2020)
Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire Radu Vladislas, this long-anticipated prequel to the Subspecies series chronicles Radu’s descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon; father a vampire. Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the Church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.

Even as uneven as the Subspecies movies (four flicks, 1991 — 1998) have been, it’s nice to see Radu back in action and licking the Bloodstone like it was a bleeding ice cream cone. After all these years, though, he’s looking a bit long in the tooth. Ahem.

BLADE: THE IRON CROSS (February 14, 2020)
“Charles Band’s Puppet Master series continues as an unspeakable evil from Blade’s past emerges in the form of a murderous Nazi scientist named Dr. Hauser. As Hauser’s heinous crimes are discovered, the psychic war journalist, Elisa Ivanov, awakens Blade, and together the bloody journey of revenge begins. It’s Herr Hauser’s reanimated undead army versus a possessed doll and a beautiful vengeance-seeking clairvoyant.”

This will be the 15th (!) installment in the Puppet Master film series, which began in 1989. That’s one helluva puppet show. For a really fun killer puppet movie, try Trilogy of Terror (1975), featuring the legendary (and toothy) Zuni fetish doll. That thing caused me to bespoil my trousers back in the day. The cleverly named sequel, Trilogy of Terror II, was released in 1996. I chose to not watch it as getting stains out of britches is not as easy as Oxi Clean™ Refreshing Lavender & Lily Liquid Laundry Detergent claims it is.

Legendary Ghost-Busting

So word comes down the chute that a remake of The Legend of Hell House (1973), one of the scariest haunted house movies you’ll ever see, is in the works. No doubt looking to cash in on the generic ghost movie craze to clog the theatres. (I’m looking in your direction The Conjuring, Insidious 1 & 2, Sinister, The Quiet Ones, Occulus, Dark Skies, The Appearing, The Possession, blah, blah, blah.)

While I’d rather not see another re-boot butcher job done to a horror classic, let’s see if Hollywood can top this: a scientist with really cool ghost-busting gadgetry teams up with a couple of mediums (i.e., unemployed clairvoyants) to solve the mystery of Hell House. Referred to as the “Mt. Everest of haunted houses,” the ghost, or “ghosts” that actually spook the infamous Belasco House is in constant question.

Whoever invisible is scaring the complete crap out of everyone’s chute, manages to have sex with one of the occult chicks and gets another one – the wife of the scientist – to take off her clothes in a very unscientific manner in front of Roddy McDowall, the only clairvoyant survivor of the first investigation 20 years ago.

The brilliantly chilling Legend of Hell House still holds up over four decades after its release and still scares the complete crap out of whomsoever’s chute dares to watch it – mine included.

A Bloody Good Read

Mary Florescu, a 40-something paranormal professor and published author, along with her ghost hunter sidekick Reggie, are investigating a mysterious spooky house where several ritual murders have occurred.

There are mysterious spooky warnings scribbled all over the walls: “Do Not Mock Us.” The penmanship left a little to be desired, but the message was clear – don’t mess with us ghosts.

Enter Simon McNeal, a morose young student and clairvoyant, who is hired to spend a few nights in the haunted house to help solve the mystery. Simon, turns out, is less of a clairvoyant than I am. (OK, I’m not clairvoyant. BUT I WANT TO BE.)

He fakes a string of ghostly events that convinces Mary he’s the real deal. But Simon underestimated the real ghosts living in the house, which happens to be an intersection for the dead.

While he may have staged the earlier visitations, the one last night was unfortunately real. Soon it’s a poltergeist jamboree with the walls in Simon’s room fading away to reveal the after-life, with thousands of ghosts with stories to tell, lining up to autograph/carve Simon’s body while he lays there screaming. That’ll teach him.

Clive Barker’s Book of Blood (2009) doesn’t have as much blood as the title advertises, though there is one face-ripping, six schoolgirl skeletons dancing in a fountain, and 150,000 (give or take) dead souls with poor writing skills.