Archive for chainsaw

Giving Birth To A Power Tool

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) is a prequel to the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that didn’t need to be made in the first place. Yep, I said it.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Thomas had a rough start in life. First, his mom gives birth to him in a meat packing plant. Not only did she leave him behind, but the plant foreman, thinking the bloody pile of meat is contaminated after it touched the floor, chucks Thomas into a dumpster.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

And if his day couldn’t get any worse, Thomas (later given the Christian name of Leatherface), is found by a homeless woman looking in garbage cans for nutritious food. She doesn’t eat him (he was dropped on a dirty floor and is probably teeming with germs), but drops Thomas off at the Hewitt House instead, the home of the original Chainsaw family.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The luck of it all is Thomas grows up and gets a job at the very same meat packing plant that was the site of his beginning. Guess who his boss is? I know, right? Thomas repays that whole “tossing the fetus in the dumpster” incident by smashing his boss’ head into a Technicolor watermelon. It’s all about closure. Until he finds inner peace, Thomas finds a chainsaw. The rest just writes itself.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Butchering, screaming, cannibalism, screaming, kneecap gunshot wounds, screaming, face-skinning, screaming… It’s all part of Thomas’ pastiche.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Way more graphic and gory than the original, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning follows the same template as the Friday the 13th sequels, just racking up body count numbers in place of a compelling storyline. And Thomas? He’s already changed his name to Jason and got a job at Camp Crystal Lake.

Eviler Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987) is a sort of sequel/re-telling of the first movie with Ash, the morning-after lone survivor of the evil dead onslaught, having to go through one more night of relentless Three Stooges styled demon attacks and spraying body fluids.

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

Joining him are several guests related to the evil cabin’s previous owner (whose demon-bloated wife is hanging out in the cellar). It’s here we get more of a back-story on the skin-covered Necronomicon (first edition), which is missing some pages needed to throw down some incantation action to stop the madness. They’ll need those pages as Ash’s hand is possessed and is needing a chainsaw manicure.

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

The incantation opens up a swirling hurricane portal where evil is sucked back to whence it came. Ash and his awesome 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale are also transported back in time o 1300 A.D., where locals are being body-shamed by Deadites. If you’re a fan of the Evil Dead series, you know this is the beginning of Army of Darkness (1992), the sequel. If you didn’t know that, then I don’t know YOU.

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

Great demons, demon humor, demon blood, demon possession and demon black gunk coming out of possessed holes. And Ash’s chainsaw prosthetic means he’s handi-capable and can handle it. Heh.

Asylum of Photocopied Terror

Posted in Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , on January 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Asylum of Terror

Take an abandoned prison, turn it into the Death Row Haunted Prison Funhouse, then charge obnoxious people five bucks to wander through its spooky confines while an escaped convict from a mental institution comes back “home” to see if anybody has been messing with his stuff.

Asylum of Terror

Claiming he’s “bigger than Freddy Krueger, bigger than Jason,” the maniac dons a hockey mask (for fudge sake, couldn’t they come up with anything even slightly more original?) and wanders through the funhouse, hacking and chainsawing people into pocket change.

Asylum of Terror

The only scary part of Asylum of Terror (1998) comes when you realize you’ve been robbed of your video rental money, cash that could’ve been spent on refreshing alcohol instead of regurgitated slasher fare.

The Butcher: Pleased To Meat You

Posted in Asian Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , on July 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Butcher

In The Butcher (2007), a horror movie dubbed “too shocking to be released in its own country of Korea,” kidnapped victims are tied up in a dirty warehouse awaiting an explicitly graphic, violent death while a snuff film producer maps out his camera angles. Just another day at the office.

The Butcher

Each victim has a video camera strapped to his/her head so that footage from the dismemberments can be used in the final cut. (Hey, that worked as a pun!) Do the victims get film credits? No. I feel this is entirely unfair.

The Butcher

A killer wearing a real pig’s head over the top of his real head has a chainsaw, hammer and a massively blood-stained apron. I don’t care how many times you wash that thing, you’re not gonna be able to get it 100% clean.

The Butcher

A man and his wife are dragged in for their scene, a hammer to the head to settle them down. Pig Head proceeds to have a less-than-romantic scene with the back of the male victim’s swimsuit area. Love is in the air.

The Butcher

Begging for his wife’s life, the film director tells him if he can come up with fresh ideas for killing his spouse, he can go free. It takes all of two seconds for the guy to sell out his spouse with ridiculously nasty killing suggestions. The director likes where his head is at and frees him, leaving the wife screaming in accompaniment to the musical chainsaw.

The Butcher

Bloodied, his sitting area a little tender for some reason, and with the camera still attached to his head, he stumbles out into the bright sunshine. It’s nice that such a pointless and brutally graphic film can end on such a happy note.