Killer Beer, Fat Shaming Horror, Pond Monster

Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer™, a limited brew based on Chucky, the skull/wise-cracking serial killer doll made icon status in Child’s Play (1988), is now available for quaffing purposes.

From the press release: “Just like the devious doll it’s inspired by, this pumpkin witbier with cranberry will be your friend ’til the very end. Saturated with blood-red cranberry juice and entangled with pumpkin mangled into a puree, the beer is light in color with spine-chilling flavors of chamomile and cinnamon – the perfect combination of everything you love about the season.”

“Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer is a limited release and collaborative beer between Elysian™, USA Network™ and SYFY™, brewed in celebration of all things Halloween, horror and Season 2 of Chucky, a continuation of the iconic film franchise chronicling the murderous escapades of the notorious killer doll.”

Beer that tastes like pumpkin, cranberry, chamomile and cinnamon? Shouldn’t this be sold at a Nordstrom™ perfume and deodorant kiosk? While you contemplate sucking down a case or two or making scented candles out of it, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be an affront to your palate…   

NIX / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

While Jack Coyle struggles to keep his shattered family together, a strange and powerful entity reveals itself again, opening the wounds for another tragedy to occur. As Jack deals with the consequences, he also must protect his young niece from this frightening creature, which threatens to destroy everyone.

They really need to put more effort into naming powerful entities/frightening creatures. “Nix” sounds like a stain-remover. But if they’re stuck with that moniker, how about a modifier, like Metaverse Nix, Ranch-Flavored Nix or simply, Nix Extreme?   

V/H/S/99 / October 20, 2022 / Shudder™ 

“A thirsty teenager’s home video leads to a series of horrifying revelations.”

Um, what exactly is a “thirsty teenager”? Thirsty for what? Certainly not Smart Water™ as no amount of A.I. added to expensive tap water could do anything to improve any teen’s cognitive abilities. What’s left — Fanta Piña Colada™? Pibb Xtra™? Coca-Cola Cinnamon™? (Actually, while it’s seriously unhealthy for you, Coca-Cola Cinnamon™ ain’t half bad, which is why I only drank half the case I bought on Amazon.com. Saving the other half for tomorrow.) 

As for the movie, all I know is that it’s part of the VHS horror franchise (V/H/S (2012), V/H/S 2 (2013), V/H/S Viral (2014), SiREN (2016), V/H/S 94 (2021). I guess that could make you thirsty for more.

PIGGY / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Sara is a teenager in a rural Spanish village who is constantly tormented by ‘the popular girls’, including her former best friend, because of her body type. One day at the local pool she witnesses her bullies violently kidnapped by a mysterious stranger. Sara, who normally feels unable to express herself to both her family and neighbors, suddenly faces a moral dilemma as she must decide between saving her tormentors from a bloody end or giving into the desire for revenge.”

Revenge. The answer is ALWAYS revenge. 

CURSE OF CROM: THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN / Release pending 2022/2023

“High school teenagers accidentally unleash an ancient Irish entity on their hometown and must stop it before midnight on Halloween.”

Spoiler: The Irish entity they speak of is the Lucky Charms™ Leprechaun. Or maybe that guy on all those Irish Spring™ soap commercials. Pure f’n evil.

Zombie Winos

The Raisins of Death. That’s how the title of the 1978 French zombie movie sorta translates. I don’t know why, but this rocks my world. Probably because I occasional sprinkle death raisins atop my dinner cereal.

So Les Raisins de la Mort (aka, The Grapes of Death) is a nicely gory horror flick that uses contaminated grapes (or “les raisins”) squished into wine that, when consumed with pinky extended, turns one into a rotting zombie. And here all this time I thought drinking wine turns you into a snob, or “snombie.”

How did the grapes get contaminated? Glad you asked. A worker at the Roublès winemaking vineyard becomes ill, complaining of a pain in his neck. (Either his boss, wife, or both is my guess.)

As the infection spreads to others via this pain in the neck, people meet painful ends: throats cut, assorted mouth bites, cars parking on your torso, stranglings, garden forks jammed into chests instead of nutritious salads, and best of all (or worst, depending on which side of the handle you’re on), living heads being chopped off with a hatchet. Makes sense when you think of the rudimentary wine-making tools they had back in the late Seventies.

As previously hinted, blood gooshes from every orifice, opening and so forth. Bright red blood, too. Not like that fake stuff you see on the news. But wait, there’s more – full frontal chick nudity, which comes with a side of bare naked boobies and glistening infected open wounds that look like someone glued rubber novelty vomit on said fun bumps. Lots of endless shrieking and screaming, probably caused by drinking face-pinching, sour ass wine instead of cold, refreshing beer.

Since everybody in France slurps wine – especially so during last week’s wine festival that infected the small village and made their faces turn into freshness-expired mini-mart soufflès – there’s no shortage of zombie attacks. That’s pretty much it, except that every single one of The Grapes/Raisins of Death actors and actresses have tongue-tangling names that no one but their mothers can pronounce. (Jean-Pierre Bouyxou? This guy is just begging to be turned into a zombie.)

The Horror of Grandparents

So now they’re using grandma and grandpa as horror movie antagonists. Not sure I’m down with this as going to my grandparents house as a kid was like a trip to Disney Land™: free cookies, cartoons all day on TV and what I firmly believed to be a giant rat monster in the downstairs cellar that smelled like freshness-expired cadavers/peaches and a single light bulb that worked only half the time. How did my grandma get me to descend into Hell to fetch a jar of cadaver peaches? Free cookies, duh.

So The Visit, a new horror movie by the hit beleaguered M. Night Shyamalan whose After Earth (2013) was slammed by critics with more credibility than me, is about grandparents harboring a dark secret in their remote Pennsylvania farm. (I bet you anything it’s giant rats.)

As the press release goes, a brother and sister, sent to their grandparents farm, soon discover the old farts are involved in something “deeply disturbing.” If it isn’t squeezing mutated tentacles from a cow’s bikini area to get breakfast milk, one can only imagine what the disturbing part is. Here’s the kicker: the kids can’t leave the house. So if they want milk on their farm cereal, time to man up and go deep.

Look for The Visit to arrive September 11, 2015. And while it’s on your mind, call your demonic and deeply disturbed grandparents today – they’ve been waiting to hear from you. (Ask about free cookies.)