Archive for cereal

Zombie Winos

Posted in Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Grapes of Death

The Raisins of Death. That’s how the title of the 1978 French zombie movie sorta translates. I don’t know why, but this rocks my world. Probably because I occasional sprinkle death raisins atop my dinner cereal.

The Grapes of Death

So Les Raisins de la Mort (aka, The Grapes of Death) is a nicely gory horror flick that uses contaminated grapes (or “les raisins”) squished into wine that, when consumed with pinky extended, turns one into a rotting zombie. And here all this time I thought drinking wine turns you into a snob, or “snombie.”

The Grapes of Death

How did the grapes get contaminated? Glad you asked. A worker at the Roublès winemaking vineyard becomes ill, complaining of a pain in his neck. (Either his boss, wife, or both is my guess.)

The Grapes of Death

As the infection spreads to others via this pain in the neck, people meet painful ends: throats cut, assorted mouth bites, cars parking on your torso, stranglings, garden forks jammed into chests instead of nutritious salads, and best of all (or worst, depending on which side of the handle you’re on), living heads being chopped off with a hatchet. Makes sense when you think of the rudimentary wine-making tools they had back in the late Seventies.

The Grapes of Death

As previously hinted, blood gooshes from every orifice, opening and so forth. Bright red blood, too. Not like that fake stuff you see on the news. But wait, there’s more – full frontal chick nudity, which comes with a side of bare naked boobies and glistening infected open wounds that look like someone glued rubber novelty vomit on said fun bumps. Lots of endless shrieking and screaming, probably caused by drinking face-pinching, sour ass wine instead of cold, refreshing beer.

Les Raisins de la Morte!

Since everybody in France slurps wine – especially so during last week’s wine festival that infected the small village and made their faces turn into freshness-expired mini-mart soufflès – there’s no shortage of zombie attacks. That’s pretty much it, except that every single one of The Grapes/Raisins of Death actors and actresses have tongue-tangling names that no one but their mothers can pronounce. (Jean-Pierre Bouyxou? This guy is just begging to be turned into a zombie.)

The Horror of Grandparents

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Visit

So now they’re using grandma and grandpa as horror movie antagonists. Not sure I’m down with this as going to my grandparents house as a kid was like a trip to Disney Land™: free cookies, cartoons all day on TV and what I firmly believed to be a giant rat monster in the downstairs cellar that smelled like freshness-expired cadavers/peaches and a single light bulb that worked only half the time. How did my grandma get me to descend into Hell to fetch a jar of cadaver peaches? Free cookies, duh.

So The Visit, a new horror movie by the hit beleaguered M. Night Shyamalan whose After Earth (2013) was slammed by critics with more credibility than me, is about grandparents harboring a dark secret in their remote Pennsylvania farm. (I bet you anything it’s giant rats.)

As the press release goes, a brother and sister, sent to their grandparents farm, soon discover the old farts are involved in something “deeply disturbing.” If it isn’t squeezing mutated tentacles from a cow’s bikini area to get breakfast milk, one can only imagine what the disturbing part is. Here’s the kicker: the kids can’t leave the house. So if they want milk on their farm cereal, time to man up and go deep.

Look for The Visit to arrive September 11, 2015. And while it’s on your mind, call your demonic and deeply disturbed grandparents today – they’ve been waiting to hear from you. (Ask about free cookies.)