Archive for Cenobites

Another Baker’s Dozen Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Thir13en Ghosts

An evil rich uncle figured out a way to capture souls and store them in stay-fresh cubicles in his house, which is made of glass walls with Latin slogans on them to keep the pesky dead from touching his stuff.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts aren’t of the Casper variety — they’re the most gnarliest, f’d-up poltergeists on the planet, looking like they came from Marilyn Manson’s shiny pants.

Thir13en GhostsEach of these ghosts were chosen for their unique energy, which, when combined with a demonic machine and a spell from some spell book, will open the Eye of Hell, allowing the user to see behind the creation curtain. (I’ve seen it — just a bunch of boxes filled with last year’s Christmas decorations.)

Thir13en Ghosts

A family inherits the evil uncle’s house after said relative dies while trying to round up a ghost that doesn’t want to be rounded up. “This isn’t a house; it’s a machine made by the Devil and powered by the Dead,” remarks one ghost-hunter. An understatement — all the ghosts are contained in the basement, but the family screws around with the buttons in the Rubik’s Cube™ mansion and let the stinky wraiths out. Then it’s smack ass time.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts make Hellraiser’s Cenobites look like cotton candy vendors at Disneyland™. Blood and guts decorate the stylish glass walls like Dutch Boy™ paint. Lots of swearing, tension, and a handful of flinchy moments that’ll have you tossing your popcorn before you eat it, thereby wasting it.Thir13en Ghosts

2001’s Thir13en Ghosts (a hardcore graphic re-imagining of 13 Ghosts/1960) is quite lean on suspense and backstory, though, which makes it hard to give the ghosts some love when you don’t really know anything about them. As for the evil uncle, it’s not explained why he’s so mean. No matter; It’s heartwarming to see such ultra-violence and brain goo.

Monster Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Hill

What Silent Hill (2006) – a movie adapted from the popular 1999 Japanese horror video game franchise – lacks in cohesive storytelling, at times makes up for it with undie squeezing atmosphere (great use of smoke/fog, or “smog”) and some of the more disturbing and icky creatures/monsters since Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites, from which it clearly draws inspiration. (Note: The movie utilizes this and thats from the first four Silent Hill games, might explain the pieced-together feel.)

Silent Hill

A ridiculously attractive mom has a young daughter who sleepwalks around waterfall cliffs, even though the kid has been repeatedly told not to go out after dark. (Like that works with kids.) Turns out the little scamp is dying from an unknown cause and a faith healer (my medical insurance only covers Shamans) tells mom for answers to take her daughter to the spooky Silent Hill, a small abandoned town no longer on any map, Google™ or otherwise.

Silent Hill

The town of Silent Hill – renowned for witchcraft gone wild – is pretty dang eerie. First, its shrouded in smoke from an underground coal mine that’s been burning out of control for decades. (Probably why everyone left. That, and there’s no 7-Eleven™. Reason enough to pack it up.) Secondly, there’s an apocalyptic horn that goes off every so often, releasing some seriously messed up creatures that come out of nowhere to eat faces clean off whatever head it’s attached to.

Silent Hill

Like the video game it’s fashioned after, the monster encounters get progressively hardcore, turning up as walking torsos, twisted body guys, mutant nurses and the impressive level boss Pyramid Head and his 12-foot knife that can cut through walls to get its point across.

Silent Hill

Teaming up with a previously encountered female cop, Rose, frantically searches for her kid who wandered off and is seen in glimpses running through a maze of building floors and is heading down into the depths of what sure as hell looks like Hell. And it’s here the story, steeped in evilness, gets muddled.

Pyramid Head

There’s a ghost religious leader, ghost townsfolk from years gone by, a witch-sacrificing bonfire (no marshmallows, though), and a darker than black demon thing. To tie this altogether would take a LOT of word wrangling as the movie piles the back story on said bonfire during the last 10 minutes. So much so, you can barely keep track, even with a 12-foot knife being pointed at your uncooked (for now) self.

Yeah, Silent Hill plays out in linear fashion like its parent video game. But the creature things — which needed WAY more screen time — are downright delightful.

Silent Hill

P.S. The sequel Silent Hill: Revelation (2012) brought back the first one’s better freak creatures, but suffered from a sub-standard plot and a disturbing lack of fun. Sounds like my life.

German Zombies and Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bunker of the Dead 3D

An odd horror sub-genre that once again resurrects Nazis as zombies, this latest entry being Bunker of the Dead 3D (2015), shot first-person shooter (or “POV”) style. Both are boring because it’s been done some many gott verdammt times, notably dating back to 1977’s Shock Waves, in which underwater Nazi zombies come up from the sea bed to eat your head. (Note to purists: there were probably other Nazi horror movies before that, but I haven’t had my breakfast/lunch/dinner/bed time snacks yet and as yet can’t think clearly.)

Shock Waves

In Bunker of the Dead 3D you will be subject to annoying hand-held camera POV video game style filming, with lots of swearing, gun fire and meaty zombies. Ambitious to be sure. But man, can’t someone come up with something more original that hasn’t been done one billion million times? Geez.

Dead Snow & Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead

Not that I got that off my war chest, here’s what’s inside of Bunker of the Dead 3D: “Two friends spend their weekends trying to find a WWII underground military base. Used by the Nazis as a secret research institute, it is rumored to hide the lost gold of the Third Reich. The entrance of the cave system, however, lies right within the restricted area of a US military base. The first of many problems the two friends will have to face.” Ugh, that press release copy is as weak as the whole movie idea.

Frankenstein's Army

For my Deutsch marks Dead Snow (2009) and Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead (2014) are two of the best/funniest/fun Nazi zombie movies going. For an even weirder and f’d up Nazi horror movie, you might want to check out Frankenstein’s Army (2013). Despite its limited budget, the story is far from haufen mist and it features some of the sickest monster hybrids this side of Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites.

Werewolf Hunt

Or if surreal monsters make your tum tum hurt, you could try Werewolf Hunt (2012). I haven’t seen it, but the guy who drives the garbage truck on my block insists it’s a war movie that refers to a Nazi underground bunker called Werewolf. Too bad if it’s true; Nazi werewolves (like the ones featured in a bloody dream sequence in An American Werewolf in London (1981) seems like overlooked Nazi gold.

An American Werewolf in London

Meat Your Maker

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Inferno

A detective proficient at solving puzzles investigates a gooey murder that left the victim looking like he was processed by a juicer. This police officer, it should be noted, is a coke-sniffer, bribe taker, and a panderer of prostitutes, even though he’s married and has a kid.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Finding a Lament Configuration at the crime scene, the detective figures out how to open the Rubik’s Cube of Doom and summons the Cenobites. The creatures this time out look pretty dang cool, but there’s only three of ’em, two being twin chicks with gaping flesh wounds and partial faces. He just figures it’s a whiskey and hooker hangover, and shakes it off to look for the killer.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Lots of weirdo and surreal-o things happens, and Pinhead, the head Cenobite himself, only shows up towards the end (he had to get his nails done) and treats the steadily unraveling cop to some Hallmark™ advice. (The only thing missing is a hug.)

Hellraiser: Inferno

Dropping the whole Cenobite mythos, Hellraiser: Inferno (2000) concentrates on a dark character study rather than exploring the depths of stinking Hell. The end has a nice twist and Pinhead finally whips out the hooks and does his impression of a meat tenderizer. All said, I could do less with misbehaving humans and more with demons who can tear your shirt apart.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Bigfoot on Zillow™

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Willow Creek

Willow Creek is the title of a new Bigfoot movie, filmed found-footage style by famed comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Before I go into that, there’s something you should know that will freak you out: Willow Creek is a real place in Northern California and sits along the Trinity River. Residents of this small mountain town are commonly referred to as “Willow Creekers.” It is the Bigfoot capital of the world, and holds an annual festival in honor of the creature.

There is an entire town that celebrates Bigfoot and I didn’t know about it? I’m looking up Willow Creek on Zillow™ and seeing how much it’ll cost me to live there.

Willow Creek

In Bobcat’s movie, a guy and his girlfriend, moving picture camera in hand, go to Willow Creek to “retrace the steps of Bigfoot researchers Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin, who, in 1967, recorded the most famous film of the legendary monster.” I need to interject – this may be a case of artistic license, but the Patterson footage of a REAL Bigfoot was shot in Bluff Creek, CA, a tributary northwest of the Klamath River between Willow Creek and Happy Camp, CA. They don’t have a whole lot of affordable apartments in Bluff Creek. I checked.

Willow Creek

While in Willow Creek, this guy and his girlfriend (I’ll call her “Kelly” because that’s the movie name they give her) interview locals who range from skeptic to believer and from manic to completely menacing. Some of the stories they hear are of chance encounters with a gentle creature, while others are tales of mysterious eviscerations. ( Note: “Eviscerate” means to remove the entrails of; disembowel. It is also a favored term used by Hellraiser’s Cenobites.)

The press release goes on to tell us that this guy and Kelly “head deep into the forest to set up camp. The events that follow will make them wish they had simply spent the night at the Bigfoot Motel.”

Willow Creek

There’s a Bigfoot Motel? Why on Earth would anyone keep that from me? I’m about ready to throw pine cones in all directions I’m so mad. I suppose next I’ll find out there’s a Bigfoot restaurant, bar and souvenir shop. If that’s the case, I’m gonna eviscerate my travel agent for not bringing this to my attention.

Look for Willow Creek in small town, motel, restaurant, bar and/or souvenir store near you.

P.S. There’s a town called Happy Camp in California? Why the hell did anyone not tell me?