Archive for Cenobite

Military UFOs, Teen Witches, Holiday Flesh-Eaters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendlesham

UFO fans can rejoice — a TV series is being developed around the famous 1980 Rendlesham Forest Incident, wherein American military personnel, stationed in England, not only encountered a landing UFO, but recorded their observations (on YouTube™) and even walked up and touched the glowing, freaky thing. (Hope they washed their hands, because, you know, space germs.)

Rendlesham

From the press release: “The alleged sightings began on December 26, 1980 when U.S. Air Force security patrols stationed at RAF Woodbridge in Suffolk, England saw lights descending into nearby Rendlesham Forest. When servicemen went to investigate, they found a metallic object with glowing lights in the middle of the forest, and when approached the object moved through the woods, causing farm animals to panic. In daylight the next day, impressions were found in a triangular shape in the forest clearing, and on December 28, deputy base commander Lt. Col. Charles Halt and several other servicemen took radiation readings at the clearing and noticed lights in the distance.”

Rendlesham

“The show will reportedly wave a complex family drama into the real-life events, which will span the 1980s through to 2020, which will mark the 40th anniversary of the Rendlesham incident.”

I’ve seen lots of documentaries about Rendlesham and, despite the commercials, I want to believe. Thus is the power of television. Until the show premiers, which is in the works as we speak, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not want to believe in…

Mercy Christmas

MERCY CHRISTMAS (available now/VOD)
Mercy Christmas follows Michael Briskett as he meets the perfect woman. His ideal Christmas dream comes true when she invites him to her family’s holiday celebration. Michael struggles to survive once he realizes HE will be Christmas dinner.”

A cannibal Christmas movie? Another reason for the season. I’m no gourmet chef (although I do make a mean bowl of stove top popcorn), but what would be an appropriate wine pairing with holiday human flesh? My go-to would be Steel Reserve™ (okay, not really wine, but man, what a kick in the pants). Probably some red chardonnay that’s deep, complex and stays with you long after you’ve tasted it. Kinda like flesh. Hope they’re also serving those neat pop-up dinner rolls. It’s like eating fluffy chemicals, but man, what a kick in the taste buds.

The Devil's Toy Box

THE DEVIL’S TOY BOX (available now/VOD)
Cynthia O’Neil enters a haunted asylum known as the Madison Seminary in search of her father who went missing in the asylum while shooting a reality television show.”

Kinda makes you wonder what the Devil considers toys. Slasher Gumby? Silly Blob Putty? Matrix Monopoly? I’d buy ‘em. Just so we’re transparent here, The Devil’s Toy Box was also one of the names of Hellraiser’s (1987) The Lament Configuration (aka, Lemarchand’s Box), a puzzle box, that when solved/opened, would summon Hell’s most Goth entities to welcome you to their depths. As local urban legends go, The Devil’s Toy Box is also cabin in Louisiana that when occupied, makes people go insane. Probably because of intermittent Internet connection, questionable plumbing and no bars for your Evil Smart Phone.

The Lurker

THE LURKER (2018)
“A group of theatre students, celebrating their final show, begin to slowly disappear one at a time.”

Seriously? This is a horror movie? The students probably snuck off to partake in the weed, or in my case, Steel Reserve™.

The Witch Files

THE WITCH FILES (2018)
“A group of marginalized young women form a powerful coven and find they have the ability to grant their every wish. Though they soon realize the danger of messing with powerful forces beyond their control.”

I liked this better when they called it The Craft (1996). So yeah, high school chick witches. I’ll stick with TV’s Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (1996 — 2003) ‘cause she’s such a cutie.

The Craft / Sabrina The Teenage Witch

Ninja Mecha Bikini

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Samurai Princess

After 11 young women were raped and dismembered by a band of criminals in a Japanese alternate universe (out in the woods), the last surviving gal was transformed into a Mecha, a mechanical, but drop dead (no pun intended) sexy android, housing all the souls of her dead sisters. As such, each has bestowed upon her 11 built-in weapons: ninja skills, hedge-trimmer and chainsaw leg extensions, removable boobs that turn into grenades when thrown. The clothes, though, come off by themselves.

Samurai Princess

Assisted by a heavy metal guitar playing scientist and a Buddhist nun with blue hair and white eyelashes, this Samurai Princess takes out the gang members in appropriate fashion: severed arms and heads, brains removed, squished and jammed back in, a guy punched so hard his skeleton pops out of his skin (great sequence), blood spraying as if shot from high-pressure hoses. And there are so many body parts, it looks like a butcher shop for humans.

Samurai Princess

The leaders of the gang are a half man/woman and the other half Mecha. (The woman portion wears entrails around her neck like fashionable jewelry.) They need to be killed. And not in a good way, either. The Princess has to be careful as the guy has a rocket attached to the chainsaw leg, and that thing is dangerous when it flies within facial zip codes. But the Princess can turn her entire chest into a buzz saw and give you a death hug.

Samurai Princess

Because the Princess is hot (literally), she has to shut down occasionally to cool her jets. In her dream state she has sex with the heavy metal guy. In her awake state she can’t feel anything, be it a sword or, um, a flesh sword. The madmen who makes the Mechas, collects body parts with the help of his twin hotties, who carry around baskets of severed arms, feet and stomachs like they were out picking flowers.

Samurai Princess

The Princess squares off with the ultimate Mecha for the final battle. This thing looks more freakish and cooler than any Hellraiser (1987) Cenobite on the block, sporting hoses, sutures, spiky stuff and flabs of borrowed skin. Then it’s a festival of sqooshed heads, split torsos, and stitched wounds that should be disinfected (but aren’t). And hey, grenade boobs — at least two more reasons to recommend Samurai Princess (2009).

Yet Another Installment of Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Judgment

It’s a sad state of affairs when a popular horror movie franchise is put through the salad spinner so many times, it no longer resembles anything consumable.

While this has been famously done to cash cows such as the Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series (don’t get me started on the Police Academy abominations, of which there are seven), the release of Hellraiser: Judgment (pending 2016), brings the original once proud Hellraiser movie to a shaming eight sequels, six and a half of which are like watching a hobo sift through your garbage.

Hellraiser

Quite similar to a Cenobite torture, we’ve had to endure the punishing Hellraiser sequels for nearly the past three decades. In creator Clive Barker’s hands, this was a genre game changer, featuring open wound, flesh re-imagined creatures with cool Juda Priest-y heavy metal leather suits, the most iconic of which was/is Pinhead, a bald guy with nails pounded into right into his head/face/eyebrows. And he had a deep voice practically designed for late night FM radio and/or selling infomerical juicers.

But once the rights were cashed out, Pinhead was inevitably turned into the Ronald McDonald of horror, relieving the greasy golden arches from Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger, who also reigned over nine movies and Freddy’s Nightmares (1988 – 1990), a painfully dated (even when it came out) TV series with 44 episodes.

Hellraiser

Judging by the press release, Hellraiser: Judgment seems to be another case of “meet the new Cenobite, same as the old Cenobite”…

“Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to find a gruesome serial killer terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a spiraling maze of horror that may not be of this world. Could the Judgment awaiting the killer’s victims also be waiting for Sean?”

Yeesh – a hobo could’ve come up with that plot.

Hellraiser

Not surprised that whoever owns the rights to Hellraiser can’t figure out how to explore the depraved depths of the Pinhead character, and merely relegate him a bookend to pathetic scenarios. Only Clive Barker, who gave birth to Pinhead and the Cenobites in The Hellbound Heart first published in 1986, can/could take us to the depths of a grisly Hell, or as I call it, the Poggie Tavern (est. 1934), a few blocks south of Heaven, or “my neighborhood.”

Clearly, the real Pinheads are the ones still recycling Hellraiser. That said, here’s a Hellraiser laundry list of viewings for those wanting to pound metaphorical nails into eyeball flesh…

Hellraiser (1987), Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Hellraiser: Inferno (2000), Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002), Hellraiser: Deader (2005), Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005), Hellraiser: Revelations (2011).

Hell In A Box

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lament Configuration

Not getting your daily recommended allowance of pain and suffering? For $450.00 you can have an endless supply of anguish – and be the envy of the neighborhood while you’re at it.

I’m talking, of course, about owning your own limited edition Lament Configuration, that hell-ish Rubik’s Cube™ used to summon the pain/pleasure Cenobites from another dimension in the Hellraiser movies. Thing is, you really had to want to know the ultimate pain/pleasure in order to get the box to open. Apparently, my pain passion isn’t passionate enough as I own a plastic version of the Hell box and it pretty much does nothing. Goodbye $16.00 + tax.

Lament Configuration

But thanks to Clive Barker, the imagineer’r of the iconic Lament Configuration, you can get one fashioned after his own personal cube that’s been in his possession for over 25 years. From the press release: “Painstakingly molded, cast in resin and hand painted to preserve the look and patina of the original prop, each Lament Configuration is assembled in-house, onto a custom-made base and comes numbered with a Certificate of Authenticity.”

Lament Configuration

The authenticity is a big deal for me; If I shell out $450 fun fins and it doesn’t shoot out razor chains to hook my face and summon demons, then I want a remorse configuration clause in the warranty.

Here’s more info: “This item is being be pre-sold until January the 1st 2016, or to a maximum of 87 orders (which ever is reached first). No orders after this date shall be accepted. Nor shall this item be made available again. Shipping: February 2016.”

Hellraiser

Though the Lament Configuration is its Hollywood name, the puzzle portal is actually called Lemarchand’s Box, after its French designer, Philip Lemarchand. And here’s everything you’d ever want to know about going to Hell: “The  box is a mystical/mechanical device that acts as a door — or a key to a door — to another dimension or plane of existence.”

Lament Configuration

“The solution of the puzzle creates a bridge through which beings may travel in either direction across this ‘Schism.’The inhabitants of these other realms may seem demonic to humans. An ongoing debate in the film series is whether the realm accessed by the Lament Configuration is intended to be the Abrahamic version of Hell, or a dimension of endless pain and suffering that is original to the Hellraiser films.”

Wonder if I can get two of ’em?

P.S. Buy me one by clicking HERE

Dr. Feelgood

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Asylum

The Richard Miller University got an upgrade: the insane asylum ward, shut down for years, has been renovated and re-opened as a dorm for freshman arriving at college. (I’m sorry – did I just yawn?)

Asylum

It was in this asylum Dr. Burke performed experimental lobotomies on his teenage patients. Then his patients ran out of patience, wrapped him in barb-wire and subsequently made him the exact opposite of healthy. Not sure how, but Burke is back to continue his work. (Oops – another yawn.)

Asylum

Playing out almost exactly like Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), each student dies according to his or her dark past. For the muscle-bound jock, it’s being fat. For a cold hottie it’s being beaten by her boyfriend. (For me it’d be swimming in a lake of Budweiser™ – without fashionable swim trunks.) Burke, cracking jokes (but not as good as Freddy Krueger) transports his victims into the scene of their fear.

Asylum With Asylum (2008) you seen it all before, you’ve heard it all before. Burke looks like a Rent-A-Center™ version of a Hellraiser (1987) Cenobite with the bondage leather and barb-wire shirt, but he has neither the wit nor style to carry it off. Once impaled by his own lobotomy picks, black stuff leaks out and all the souls he’s collected over the years float away like hot-air victims. I have GOT to stop yawning as it’s so rude.