Descent Into Double Hell

The Descent: Part 2 (2009), picks up where The Descent (2005) left off, with Sarah Carter, the lone survivor of the women-only subterranean shopping trip/cannibal fest, is in the hospital, unable to recall the horrific events that left her friends eaten alive by sightless cave creatures.

Meanwhile, a police search party, led by professional underground explorers with cool flashlights and glow sticks, is under way. The sheriff, though, finds out the blood Sarah was covered with didn’t leak out of any of her primary orifices, but rather one of the friends whose bodies they can’t seem to find. Because she was only banged up by the Crawlers, Sarah is deemed cave-worthy, and is forced BY LAW to return to the vast Appalachian underground cave system to look for survivors. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

A creaky elevator in an abandoned mine shaft takes the sheriff and his female cop, three pro-cave climbers and Sarah into the pits of Purgatory. It’s not long before they find the rat-chewed body of one of the women. This freaks out Sarah and her memory comes rushing back. Time to get the hell outta Hell. She takes off, leaving the others to fend for themselves. And all the while that eerie clicking noise made by the Crawlers is getting closer.

The creature attacks are well-staged, with those blind, hairless, naked and hungry flesh-eaters (i.e., Goth fans) coming out of nowhere. The trick is to not make any noise as the beasts track by sound. Hard to do that when your neck croissant is bitten and your blood spraying like a shower nozzle. A gun shot triggers a cave-in, and all are separated. For the Crawlers this is good news as their meals are better when served ala carte.

What makes Descent 2 decent (heh) is the added twists. It could’ve been a cookie-cutter slaughterfest and you’d be suitably gleeful. But they took it to the next level with “you didn’t see it coming” swerves. Suffice to say, there are killer (ahem) gory/goon-out moments, and one particularly nasty scene, which finds Sarah and the lady cop in a pool of fetid water. Turns out it wasn’t a pool after all, but an outhouse. Or would that be an in-house since it’s essentially indoors? I must ponder that over a bowl of black lumpy oatmeal.

One more clever twist sets up the escape sequence, which leaves the cave wide open for another sequel. Watch The Descent: Part 2 — it’ll scare the hole outta you. 

Hey, You Hellhounds – Get Off My Lawn

Kleitos loves Demetria, so he marries her. This makes Theron so jealous mad, he poisons her wedding wine and she dies. Everyone could’ve called it a day right there, but Kleitos learns from a local witch with an overbite that Demetria’s soul is hung up in Purgatory, awaiting to be wed by Hades himself. Well, dang.

Kleitos, doing the man-up thing, leads his finest warriors (including that butt-sausage Theron) to the volcano that acts as the doorway to Hell. (There’s no address, but the name on the mailbox tells ’em they’re in the right place.) Sipping some witch elixir, they’re able to pass through the flames, which would normally turn marshmallows into black goo.

Once inside they have to circumnavigate the endless maze in search of Demetria. (Note: They brought her body along and left it outside in the hopes that when her soul gets close to it, it’ll jump back inside. Better hurry — they don’t call it lividity for nothing.)

Inside the maze are a couple of devil dogs, or “hellhounds.” They look like regular hounds, only these pups feast on human flesh. Avoiding stepping in anything (if you catch my drift) the sword boys manage to find Demetria, but lose a couple of expendable warriors to snapping dog jaws (off screen) who had no lines. Wouldn’t be right to have the lead guy or girl scarfed up just yet.

Knowing he’s about to be outed, Theron ambushes Kleitos and leaves him to the dogs. Then he goes outside and says stuff like, “He fought valiantly.” Imagine the look on Theron’s face when Kleitos escapes and stumbles out of the cave. Well, dang. Theron cops to the crime and does battle with Kleitos, only to die after eating a sword sandwich.

Theron wakes up in (wait for it) Hell, only to find Hades is pulling his large intestines out with a crankshaft. A deal is made: Theron will be allowed to walk among the living and must return Hades’ bashful bride if he wants his internal organs left un-yanked. And he gets to take the dogs with him.

The trail is easy to follow, as Demetria’s soul keeps wanting to float out of her weakened body and head for a shopping mall. The witch says she must drink the blood of Hades mixed with some sort of magic invisible spring water in order to put the cork back on her soul. Fine, but how the heck is one supposed to find a magic invisible spring? By feeling the ground for a wet spot?

They gotta snap to it as the hounds of Hell are right on their heels. Since Hellhounds (2009) is first and foremost a love story (with a few internal organs tossed in for flavor) you know how it’s gonna end.

Most everyone gets eaten alive (off screen) by the dogs, and Theron goes back to the screamy place to face his punishment. And Kleitos goes back to power smooching Demetria. And Hades goes back to doing what he does best, which is pulling torso taffy. And yet despite that, it all pretty much stinks.

Ghost Shark: Bites From Beyond

2013’s Ghost Shark is memorable for a number of reasons, sub-budget special effects/dialogue/acting notwithstanding. But first you have to ignore the plot, which gives Ghost Shark its rai·son d’ê·tre.

After being fed a hand grenade thrown from a fishing boat by redneck a-holes, Ghost Shark’s corpse floats into a half-submerged cave where early settlers performed satanic rituals. (Okay, what?) It is here Dead Shark is converted into a glowing, transparent kill-beast able to trans-morph out of any body of water, be it a fire hydrant, bath tub, swimming pool, mud puddle and even a bottled water drinking fountain. And this is exactly what makes Ghost Shark’s 84 minutes of dumbassery entertaining.

GS crashes a pool party and devours teenagers. GS opens wide and swallows little kids on a Slip ’n Slide™, an unsuspecting youngster shooting down the shark’s throat as if a human oyster on the half shell. A mayor’s assistant pouring himself a cool and refreshing paper cup of thirst quenching death after GS leaves the bottled water container and is delivered to the assistant’s insides, where it splits the guy in half during the chewing out. (This scene alone is worth an Academy Award.)

Time wasters until Ghost Shark straps on the feedbag: a drunk lighthouse keeper, savaged by guilt for killing his wife in said satanic cave years ago who seeks revenge on GS. Not sure how that works. The smack-talking mayor going on a Jaws-driven balance-of-justice boat ride. (His crunchy death – being sucked down a watery toilet – as a true feel-good moment.) Tthen there’s the never-ending parade of young girls in bikinis and a really, really fat guy riding a jet ski that looked like it might get permanently lodged into FG’s ass crack on the next wave.

Back to the bikinis: Most horror films feature young gals in their 20s, probably still in community college or of X-rated movie age. Not so with Ghost Shark; The girls running around in kite string swimsuits are barely (heh) in high school. I felt somewhat dirty watching Ghost Shark make fish bait out of jail bait. I would’ve showered my shame away afterward, but hey – Ghost Shark possibly coming through the nozzle.

P.S. Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws (pending 2015) is not a sequel or related to Ghost Shark. It’s an indie movie (i.e., made with two New Zealand guys and a Best Buy™ video camera) that was supposed to have come out in 2010. Time to put down the Foster’s mates, and show us some of your Down Under horror. Okay, that didn’t come out right.

Cave Man – Cradle To The Grave, Man

A new one about man being at the bottom of the food chain while an “as yet undocumented by science or someone playing a scientist” creature slaps on the feed bag and goes to town on a big dripping slab of buttsteak.

Arriving sometime in 2015, The X-Species is shot in regular style filming, POV and found footage. Not a fan of the last two. (Found footage is the karaoke of filmmaking.) If you agree then we’ll both have to suck it up and see what the new species of apex predator is all about.

Here’s the less-than-sizzling press release: “An archaeological expedition uncovers a prehistoric hominid burial site. When their team is unexpectedly attacked they are forced to take refuge in the catacombs of an unmapped cave. One by one they fall to an ancient predator.”

The trailer indicates the beast is of the two-legged variety and is much taller than whatever it kill eats. Think Sasquatch as a basketball center. His pre-kill eat growl sounds like a gurgling hungry stomach, only louder, as if it swallowed a microphone.

I’m sure The X-Species is at least worth 90 minutes of couch time, but I’m hoping this isn’t just another “throw a bunch of people into an unfamiliar territory and a monster picks ’em off over a soundtrack of screaming and bleeding” borefest. Not that I’m against such things, it’s just that I’ve seen all 152 times before. [Newbies: Start with Area 407 (2012) and rewind from there.]