Shark Treats, Island Vampires, Stupid Zombies

Three new official character posters for Meg 2: The Trench. (The one I posted on November 16, 2022 was a fan-made piece of crap.) Quick update in case you didn’t see The Meg back in 2018 — a megalodon shark, about the size of Florida, swims up from the bottom of the ocean for some screaming taste treats. Now, in Meg 2: The Trench, more megalodons and added hungry sea monsters come to the surface for — you guessed it — more screaming taste treats.

The opening scene in the trailer for Meg 2: The Trench shows a dinosaur being attacked and graphically consumed by a shore-breaching megalodon. From there it gets even more believable. There were 26 movie posters for The Meg, so these three are just the tip of the tooth. Meg 2: The Trench opens wide in theaters on August 4, 2023.

While we go get in line for the movie now (you want good seats, don’t you?), here are few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go down as easily as screaming taste treats…

RESURRECTED / Out now (VOD)

“The Catholic Church learns how to resurrect people. The whole process is kept secret and follows strict rules: only sinless believers under the age of 65 can be resurrected. The film is set on the computer of Stanley, an on-line church priest who helps those who were brought back to life. He is divorced and his son lives with his ex-wife, so he can chat with him only on-line. Stanley’s son was the first person to be resurrected after he died in a car accident that Stanley caused. Soon Stanley learns that there is a huge conspiracy behind the resurrection process.”

Just like the Catholic Church™ to impose a pile of strict rules in order to be brought back from the dead. I bet that Jesus guy got a free pass.

PULAU / Out now (VOD)

“The vacation of a group of youngsters turns into an endless horrifying nightmare after a losing bet forces them to spend a night on a deserted island. As they stumble upon a mysterious abandoned village, they accidentally break an old spell that was placed to restrain an antagonizing spirit trapped in the island. One by one, they are made to suffer the gripping and gruesome consequences of their mistakes, infuriating an evil creature that needs human blood to stay alive. The only way out is in the hands of a girl who desperately needs to use her supernatural gift to untangle an unsettling history connected to a tainted cross-cultural love story.”

Sounds like they happened upon one of those possible island vampires. They’re allergic to papaya, command a legion of monkey butlers and have to wear so much sunblock, they look like members of KISS.

TULAH 6/13 / Out now (VOD)

“Five teenagers who decided to go on vacation on June 13 before getting preoccupied with their final college assignments. But their beautiful vacation plans turned tense after the car they were driving was involved in a single accident. Gilang, who woke up alone in the car, tried to find his other four friends, but at the same time he received a barrage of terror that terrified him. These terrors made him remember his childhood trauma when he celebrated his birthday which falls on June 13th.”

The last time I received a barrage of terror that terrified me was walking into the Tug Tavern during speed dating night.

UNDEADUCATED / Out now (VOD)

“So, what might happen if you were stuck late at school when the zombie apocalypse happens? What’s going on? Is this all part of some twisted experiment the professor is conducting on the kids? Did the crazy cook do it? Will they see tomorrow?”

They just found a way to make zombie movies even worse.

Ghost Vacuum Cleaner, Satan Recruit, Haunted Breadsticks

Ghostbusters fans have been making their own version of the Proton Pack machine, a sort of vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts for recycling, for decades. The enduring popularity of the Proton Pack even got its popularity boosted through the roof when those lawbreaking kids on Stranger Things were shown their own homemade versions to go with their Ghostbusters Halloween costumes. For those of us without engineering skills can now rejoice — Spirit Halloween™ is selling life-size Proton Packs for a not unreasonable $249.99. (They warn that this item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. Shipping promos are valid, but oversize charge will still apply. This means they’ll find a way to jack the price to wallet busting levels.)

The Ghostbusters Proton Pack comes with embroidered patches and replicas of the oversized black rubber gloves that look suspiciously like the ones my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, busts my ghosts with. Other non-invasive details: The life-size replica measures 26” high, 15” wide, and 10” deep. The Proton Pack features lights and sounds, three activation modes (power up, power down, and shoot), detachable particle thrower, and adjustable straps. Wear it during weddings, birthdays and non-denominational holidays, but don’t wear it into a bank, or you’ll end up a ghost yourself.

So while we jump on over to Spirit Halloween™ to order one (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not feel like being violated by an oversized rubber glove…

SATAN WANTS YOU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Satan Wants You tells the untold story of how the Satanic Panic of the 1980s was ignited by Michelle Remembers, a lurid memoir by psychiatrist Larry Pazder and his patient Michelle Smith. Supported by the Catholic™ church, the best-selling book relied on recovered-memory therapy to uncover Michelle’s childhood abduction by baby-stealing satanists. Amplified by law enforcement and America’s daytime TV boom, satanic rumors spread through panic-stricken communities across the world, leaving a wave of destruction and wrongful convictions in their wake. This film digs deep into the roots of moral panics and cult conspiracies, showing how these events still affect and distort our reality today.”

Satan doesn’t want me. Satan hates me, I just know it.

A HAUNTING IN VENICE / September 15, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Now retired and living in self-imposed exile in the world’s most glamorous city, celebrated sleuth, Hercule Poirot reluctantly attends a séance at a decaying, haunted palazzo. When one of the guests is murdered, the detective is thrust into a sinister world of shadows and secrets.”

I thought a palazzo was an entree at Osteria Francescana™. Wonder if it comes with endless bread sticks like they do at Olive Garden™.

SAW X / October 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A prequel that focuses on Tobin Bell’s character as Jigsaw.”

Thought they already did that, so this is all so…puzzling. Heh.

TWISTED METAL / Release pending 2023 (Peacock™)

“A motor-mouthed outsider is offered a chance at a better life, but only if he can successfully deliver a mysterious package across a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

The comedy sci-fi series is based on a 1995 video game of the same name. I never played video games as I was too busy playing happily in my own post-apocalyptic wasteland: dive bars.

Demonic Possession, Foreign Weather, Avocados

Watching a bunch of haunted house documentaries on YouTube™. Loving the footage of alleged paranormal activity. Every time I pick up a camera, all I get are blurry pics of UFOs and Bigfoot. No photos of ghosts, though as I’m not too keen on wandering around houses that are reputed to be haunted. I hear there are poltergeists in a lot of ‘em. And that pretty much goons me out.

Speaking of not-so-scary things, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make your vision go blurry…

AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: THE SONG OF SOLOMON (pending crowd-funding)
Mary witnesses the brutal suicide of her father. His death unleashes the savage forces of demonic possession in her. The End of Days is upon the world, famine, drought, looting and chaos is ripping the world apart and the Catholic Church is trying to save an innocent soul from the ravages of satanic possession. Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed. The Song of Solomon’s true nature is to unleash an evil the world has been waiting for since the beginning of time.”

And to think all Mary’s father had to do to keep all this from happening was to call the Suicide Hotline. (And for those considering the chickensh*t way out, you might wanna make the call: 1-800-273-8255.) That aside, I do like the line, “Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed.” Sounds like security at a Liverpool vs. Manchester United football match.

LAKE OF SHADOWS: THE LEGEND OF AVOCADO LAKE (pending crowd-funding)
“Three aspiring filmmakers venture to a mysterious lake resort to uncover a story on a local legend. As they get closer to the truth, the danger follows. Before they know it they are thrust into a fight for their lives and the truth about Avocado Lake. Based on true cases.”

Yes, avocados are true. I’ve seen them. They look like alien dinosaur eggs filled with some sort of green mush. As for the legend in the lake, it’s not a spoiler to tell you it’s a man-eating monster fish. If you didn’t already know that, like a five day old avocado, you’ve just been spoiled.

THE RAIN (2018/Netflix)
“Set after a devastating biological catastrophe, the world as we know it has ended. Six years after a brutal virus wiped out almost all humans in Scandinavia, two siblings join a group of young survivors set out to find out whether a new world has begun somewhere else.”

A new foreign (Danish) horror series by movie streaming giant, Netflix™. For another really good horror series from a different country than the one I’m being over-taxed in, try The Returned (2015). It’s French, sub-titled and très bien.

HOUSEWIFE (2018)
“Holly’s mother murdered her sister and father when she was seven. 20 years later and slowly losing her grip on the difference between reality and nightmares, she runs into a celebrity psychic who claims that he is destined to help her.”

I went to a psychic once. After handing her $20, she divined there would be a need for me to drink a beer in the near future. That I was drinking a beer at the time while fuming over losing the crazy cool Troll doll at the carnival’s ring toss, had nothing to do with it. I believed her and mere minutes later, I was drinking YET ANOTHER beer. Uncanny, true and thus money well spent. P.S. Screw you, rigged ring toss.

Catholic Vampires

 

John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) reveals what I’ve suspected all along – organized religion is responsible for creating the blood-hungry undead. During a totally botched exorcism back in the day when such practices were considered standard, a master vampire was thus born.

Six hundred years later the Catholic church is still trying to clean up their mess without compromising the power of the collection plate. Enter James Woods as a modern bad ass day job slayer, a mercenary hired by the Vatican to end all the neck-biting wrongness.

He and his dead-hunting associates shoot vampires with crossbows, then drag them out into the sunlight where the turn into overcooked marshmallows (but not nearly as delicious, though).

Explosions of creative gore, gnarly decapitations and the resultant gushing of the good red stuff. Too bad the dialogue bites harder than the vampires. Woods is an emotional roller coaster as Jack Crow (he probably got lessons from a 12 year-old girl), but the action and splat and the ridding of vampires make this flick worth most of his PMS-ing.

A Rural Exorcism

Eric Forester, former religious dude and now a psychiatrist, is given the green light by the Catholic Church™ to validate demonic possession. What a sweet gig – being paid to watch people cuss and vomit.

Eric travels to a house out in the sticks containing a young woman seemingly possessed by evil. Looks easy to disprove as she doesn’t float around the bed, puke up Campbell’s Soup™ and/or swear in ancient languages. She does, though, have a spooky voice that sounds like she’s gargling the aforementioned soup while talking.

Then there’s the demon girl’s sister, who just happened to be Eric’s former girlfriend. Seems the psychiatrist has some demons in his closet as well, as he punched her out back in the day. But she’s over it now and wants to kiss his lap. But his guilt won’t allow a freebie. And that’s yet another problem with religion.

Everyone’s being manipulated by the evil presence and having a good time doing it. Clues lead Eric to zero in on the real possessed person, and the revelation is so underwhelming as to cause soup yawning.

They needed to spend more money designing the demon gal, who looks like those Goth idiots who smear mall blood on their faces and walk around at parties as if to say, “Look at me – I’m an authentic Goth!” 

As for the devil stuff, I give Blackwater Valley Exorcism (2006) an authentic “meh.”