Archive for Catholic church

Demonic Possession, Foreign Weather, Avocados

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American Guinea Pig: The Song of Solomon

Watching a bunch of haunted house documentaries on YouTube™. Loving the footage of alleged paranormal activity. Every time I pick up a camera, all I get are blurry pics of UFOs and Bigfoot. No photos of ghosts, though as I’m not too keen on wandering around houses that are reputed to be haunted. I hear there are poltergeists in a lot of ‘em. And that pretty much goons me out.

Speaking of not-so-scary things, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make your vision go blurry…

AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: THE SONG OF SOLOMON (pending crowd-funding)
Mary witnesses the brutal suicide of her father. His death unleashes the savage forces of demonic possession in her. The End of Days is upon the world, famine, drought, looting and chaos is ripping the world apart and the Catholic Church is trying to save an innocent soul from the ravages of satanic possession. Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed. The Song of Solomon’s true nature is to unleash an evil the world has been waiting for since the beginning of time.”

And to think all Mary’s father had to do to keep all this from happening was to call the Suicide Hotline. (And for those considering the chickensh*t way out, you might wanna make the call: 1-800-273-8255.) That aside, I do like the line, “Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed.” Sounds like security at a Liverpool vs. Manchester United football match.

Lake of Shadows: The Legend of Avocado Lake

LAKE OF SHADOWS: THE LEGEND OF AVOCADO LAKE (pending crowd-funding)
“Three aspiring filmmakers venture to a mysterious lake resort to uncover a story on a local legend. As they get closer to the truth, the danger follows. Before they know it they are thrust into a fight for their lives and the truth about Avocado Lake. Based on true cases.”

Yes, avocados are true. I’ve seen them. They look like alien dinosaur eggs filled with some sort of green mush. As for the legend in the lake, it’s not a spoiler to tell you it’s a man-eating monster fish. If you didn’t already know that, like a five day old avocado, you’ve just been spoiled.

The Rain

THE RAIN (2018/Netflix)
“Set after a devastating biological catastrophe, the world as we know it has ended. Six years after a brutal virus wiped out almost all humans in Scandinavia, two siblings join a group of young survivors set out to find out whether a new world has begun somewhere else.”

A new foreign (Danish) horror series by movie streaming giant, Netflix™. For another really good horror series from a different country than the one I’m being over-taxed in, try The Returned (2015). It’s French, sub-titled and très bien.

Housewife

HOUSEWIFE (2018)
“Holly’s mother murdered her sister and father when she was seven. 20 years later and slowly losing her grip on the difference between reality and nightmares, she runs into a celebrity psychic who claims that he is destined to help her.”

I went to a psychic once. After handing her $20, she divined there would be a need for me to drink a beer in the near future. That I was drinking a beer at the time while fuming over losing the crazy cool Troll doll at the carnival’s ring toss, had nothing to do with it. I believed her and mere minutes later, I was drinking YET ANOTHER beer. Uncanny, true and thus money well spent. P.S. Screw you, rigged ring toss.

Catholic Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

John Carpenter's Vampires

John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) reveals what I’ve suspected all along – organized religion is responsible for creating the blood-hungry undead. During a totally botched exorcism back in the day when such practices were considered standard, a master vampire was thus born.

John Carpenter’s Vampires

Six hundred years later the Catholic church is still trying to clean up their mess without compromising the power of the collection plate. Enter James Woods as a modern bad ass day job slayer, a mercenary hired by the Vatican to end all the neck-biting wrongness.

John Carpenter’s Vampires

He and his dead-hunting associates shoot vampires with crossbows, then drag them out into the sunlight where the turn into overcooked marshmallows (but not nearly as delicious, though).

John Carpenter’s Vampires

Explosions of creative gore, gnarly decapitations and the resultant gushing of the good red stuff. Too bad the dialogue bites harder than the vampires. Woods is an emotional roller coaster as Jack Crow (he probably got lessons from a 12 year-old girl), but the action and splat and the ridding of vampires make this flick worth most of his PMS-ing.

A Rural Exorcism

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blackwater Valley Exorcism

Eric Forester, former religious dude and now a psychiatrist, is given the green light by the Catholic Church™ to validate demonic possession. What a sweet gig – being paid to watch people cuss and vomit.

Blackwater Valley Exorcism

Eric travels to a house out in the sticks containing a young woman seemingly possessed by evil. Looks easy to disprove as she doesn’t float around the bed, puke up Campbell’s Soup™ and/or swear in ancient languages. She does, though, have a spooky voice that sounds like she’s gargling the aforementioned soup while talking.

Then there’s the demon girl’s sister, who just happened to be Eric’s former girlfriend. Seems the psychiatrist has some demons in his closet as well, as he punched her out back in the day. But she’s over it now and wants to kiss his lap. But his guilt won’t allow a freebie. And that’s yet another problem with religion.

Blackwater Valley ExorcismEveryone’s being manipulated by the evil presence and having a good time doing it. Clues lead Eric to zero in on the real possessed person, and the revelation is so underwhelming as to cause soup yawning.

Blackwater Valley Exorcism

They needed to spend more money designing the demon gal, who looks like those Goth idiots who smear mall blood on their faces and walk around at parties as if to say, “Look at me – I’m an authentic Goth!” 

As for the devil stuff, I give Blackwater Valley Exorcism (2006) an authentic “meh.”