In the lazily-titled Slayer (2006) vampires are wrecking the Rain Forest. They’re wrecking blood-enriched necks, too. What the heck — vampires are wrecking everything.
Which is why Casper Van Dien, in all his discount thespian glory, must lead his military group into the jungle to shoot them in the face, one of whom is his military BFF whose been suckified. But since Casper knows as much about vampires as he does acting, his efforts are unsuccessful.
Was there something else you needed to know?
Schlock genre movie actor Casper Van Dien is part of YET ANOTHER commando troop wandering around the jungle to go after a paranormal whatever. This time it’s a guy wearing a black hood, cape and plastic skeleton mask purchased from the Planet Halloween™ discount bin.
The back story involves some ancient Indian guy who killed a bunch of people and somehow comes back to life, jumping in and out of a time portal to continue his stabby vocation. The military troops are unspectacularly (great word – I must use it more often) killed one by one until the leader manages to trap the “skeleton man” in a power plant and blow up the place.
Skeleton Man (2004) is so g-damn awful it almost made me consider religion as an escape. The dialogue actually hurts ears. And for once Casper Van Dien did the right thing and got himself taken out early on. Now if we can just get the Skeleton Man to do the same to whoever green-lighted this butt burrito.
When you run out of things to for horror icons to do and still want to keep the rent checks coming in, send ’em into space. That said, it’s about time they did something different with Dracula; this time they plunged him into deep space. Good – his dusty schtick was getting a bit long in the tooth. Heh.
Instead setting him up with sleek astronaut pants (with optional Van Allen radiation belt –heh), they have Dracula decked out in his dusty old 18th Century clothes. And everything that follows circles Uranus from there.
Investigating a derelict space ship, Casper Van Dien as Commander Van Helsing (gimme a break) boards the empty craft, but discovers a bunch of wooden coffins. According to the ship’s log, the coffins were picked up on Transylvania Planet in the Carpathian System (good grief). Dracula is in one of the easily-opened boxes, breaks out and bites 187 (Coolio). The scene-chewing rap star turns into a vampire and hams it up good. When in Rome.
Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness (2004) belongs in a black hole. Sorry, that’s all the space references I could think of. I blame it on gravity, always holding me back ’n stuff.
The Fallen Ones (2005) is an appropriate title as it accurately describes the career arc of everyone starring in it. A movie about resurrected mummies the size of the Amazing Colossal Man’s neighbor’s brother’s cousin, they metaphorically dug up some old relics to pad out this stinker, including Tom Bosley (Richie Cunningham’s dad on Happy Days) and Robert Wagner (Hart To Hart).
In ancient Sumaria an evil angel gets wind that God is about to flood the earth with liquid (possibly water), washing all the dirty laundry piled up in His clothes basket. Evil angel has to go tell his son, a 50-foot giant that looks like a WWE™ wrestler, that sorry, he has to die. But hey, not to worry, as the evil angel has powers that will bring him back to life in the future (today, possibly tomorrow).
To prep the howling metalheaded giant, they wrap him in sheets and feed a bunch of slaves to him so he has a full tummy for the journey. Now would be the time to go to the bathroom as this is a non-stop trip.
The movie boasts some of the cheapest special effects money won’t buy. The ONLY good part: the near-topless Sumarian slave girls dressing the digitally-enlarged giant for his Big Sleep. I don’t care if they don’t know what Massingil™ is, I want one of those wrap stars.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 