Archive for carnival

Hee Haw Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hillbilly Monsters

In Hillbilly Monster (2003), the country creature looks like he came out of the nosebleed section at a South Carolina Tractor Pull & Swap Meet. (Try the deep fried cheese in the “food” court — surprisingly…fragrant.)

Hillbilly Monster

Made to do embarrassing stuff for a living at a traveling carnival, ’Billy escapes and ends up being counseled by a psychologist who helps him re-adapt to life outside the Big Top. Tough one — it’s gonna be hard to walk away from show business.

Hillbilly Monster

Made by the geniuses who did Grandparents from Outer Space (2003), so yeah, another one for the hand-held camera compost pile.

Vomit-Faced Rat Alien

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Terminator

Six bio-scientists (hippies in lab coats) are finishing up a two-year experiment in an underground laboratory. The lab — owned by the Earthtek Corporation — is five miles below sewer lines. When somebody farts, it ruins everyone’s day because hey, no windows.

Alien Terminator

One of the scientists/hippies has been synthesizing crystal meth for its “mind-expanding properties.” He uses his expanded mind to traverse the complex DNA genetic project he’s working on, injects it into his science rat and the thing goes berserk.

Alien Terminator

From here on out Alien Terminator (1995) is an Alien (1979) rip-off, with people (two of which are supermodels) searching with guns for the rat, that by now is seven-feet tall and walking on hind legs because chewing on people stimulates its growth hormones. I hear growth hormones pair nicely with Steel Reserve Triple Export Malt Liquor™.

Alien Terminator

The monster looks like a guy in overalls with cotton candy glued to it. Its face appears to be made of dried mud, gum, bottle caps and cigarette butts. (What, no plastic carnival vomit?)

I don’t care how awesome it might be to live underground with two supermodel science hippie chicks, this movie is a big pile of plastic carnival vomit.

Punk Rock Space Bird

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Giant Claw

The “giant claw” is a gigantic, squawking space bird that sounds like a panic-stricken monkey and a car alarm, and looks similar to those novelty toys you win playing ring toss at the carnival. Except they give this to you when you lose.

The Giant Claw

G. Claw is here. Deal with it. Mitch MacAfee, aeronautical engineer, sees the bird first during a radar test in the North Pole. He thinks it’s a UFO and is mocked for it. Given that the monster first appears as nothing more than a blur, like laundry fuzz in the corner of your eye, it’s a sound assumption. It isn’t until this hungry bird attacks a plane and eats the skydivers — and their parachutes — like gum with the wrapper still on, that MacAfee is taken seriously.

The Giant Claw

All attempts to blow that darn thing out of the sky are futile. Seems it emits some sort of deflective anti-matter shield around itself. So now the race is on to figure out how to burst its bubble. Meanwhile, Claw is eating teenager filled cars, trains and anything else with a nice satisfying crunch. (G-Claw chews into the U.N. building as if it were a skyscraping Graham Cracker™.)

The Giant Claw

Assisting MacAfee and his experiments with meson atoms is his smooch-able girlfriend, Dr. Karol Noymann and the non-smooch-able General Considine and General Van Buskirk. Working around the clock, experiment after experiment fails, while Claw is making a nest the size of a parking lot in which to lay goop filled eggs.

The Giant Claw

Finally succeeding at creating a machine that renders the bird’s anti-matter invulnerable, they rig it to a B-52 bomber and lure Big Bird into a trap, complete with armed warheads. And Claw shall shriek no more.

The Giant Claw

The Giant Claw (1957) is two movies, one loaded with tight acting/rapid fire hilarious dialogue, and the other a discount puppet show, with the bird’s Sesame Street™ hairdo and strings visible, flapping askew around the sky like it was on drugs. You’ll like this movie better if you were on drugs.

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

A Maze To Amaze

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Maze

In The Maze, a 1953 Goth horror semi-classic, Gerald MacTeam was on the eve of his wedding to the perky Kitty Murray when he gets a poolside telegram that his eccentric uncle who lives in a spooky ass castle with zero amenities in the Scottish Highlands, just kicked the bucket. Guess who just inherited the bucket?

The Maze

Gerald has to go to the castle to pee on his uncle’s grave and promises Kitty he’ll be back in time for some spoon-fed vows and honeymoon wows. Weeks go by and Gerald hasn’t come back. (Keep running, Gerald!) So Kitty does what any woman would in a situation like this – she and her aunt Edith head to the castle with full suitcases to solve the mystery of the sparse spouse.(Hint to Kitty: he’s not hiding in the groom closet.)

The Maze

Showing up unannounced and uninvited, Gerald is p*ssed – and he looks like he’s aged 20 years. Mysterious castles with a mysterious secrets will do that to you. He’s mad, irritated, stressed and restless. What – did he get married already? The two butlers aren’t much help, especially when the maid was recently murder killed in some sort of deathly fashion.

The Maze

Clearly, Gerald is hiding something. And what a something it is – in the backyard is a Shining-sized hedge maze that is verboten to enter, with signs indicating as much. And castle rules also state that all guests must be in their rooms and the door locked from the outside by 9PM. Since there’s no TV or electricity to run it, might as well call it a night – or go snooping around the…MAZE!

The Maze

Burning curiosity of her former fiancée, those creepy noises outside her door and those very non-human tracks all over the place drive Kitty and her aunt into the maze where they hear splashing sounds. Could it be Gerald switched teams and is having a “boys only” pool party? Or might it be the family curse finally being brought out in the open?

The MazeTo give away what it is would be me sinking to new lows, which I’m not adverse to. Needless to say it’s funnier that a castle full of butlers. And Gerald’s lengthy explanation at the end even more so as it involves “the secret” and that he and his ancestors were merely its servants. Turns out Gerald was a “butler” as well. Don’t worry, Kitty – he still has the castle. And I hear there’s a pool in the backyard.

Mermaid Chronicles

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

She Creature

An early 1900s con artist and his hot girlfriend work in the carnival trade industry and are part of the circus sideshow freak division. There they try and make people believe that gal in the water tank is a mermaid. Because this is a traveling circus, I’m leaning towards not fully believing it, although I unconditionally have faith the bearded lady’s facial hair is authentic, and by extension, valid.

She Creature

One day they meet an old sailor fart who claims to have a real mermaid in his possession/bathtub. This mermaid is of supermodel caliber and doesn’t wear a waterproof top of any kind. She has weird teeth and her tail is somewhat slimy. But man, that’s one sexy aqua woman. For a fish, anyway.

She Creature

The con artist steals the mermaid and manages to get it onboard a ship sailing to America, where they will make lots and lots of money by having her be a spokesmodel for a new line of fishing poles or something. Because of the mystic nature of their gilled passenger, strange and icky happenings happen during the journey, like drunk sailors being eaten tar tar.

She Creature

The mermaid just happens to be the Queen Mermaid, whose job it is to deliver fast food to her hungry people. It’s here the mermaid fully morphs into her real form, which is a lot less attractive than the topless tuna she was before. By the time the ship runs aground and everyone’s screaming for their lives, she looks like a cross between the Queen Alien in Aliens (1986) and that alien gal in Species (1995). She tosses the dead bodies/TV Dinners™ into the waiting mouths of one million mermaids surrounding the boat. OK, maybe it wasn’t a million, but it was dark and I couldn’t see very well. But they splashed around a LOT.

She Creature

She Creature (2001/originally titled Mermaid Chronicles Part 1: She Creatureis a good idea for a movie, but there’s not nearly enough blood or flesh-eating scenes. The mermaid looks a heckuva lot like the real ones I’ve seen at the carnival, though, so that’s pretty cool.

The She-Creature

P.S. It would not be in anyone’s best interest to confuse this She Creature with the The She-Creature that came out in 1956. It could cause social disruption of some sort.

Jersey Devil vs Carnival Freaks

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carny

The Jersey Devil, a red-eyed creature with bat wings, a horse face, hooves, and a spiked tale, was caught and sold to a freak show carnival, where the circus ringmaster plans on exploiting the flesh-hungry beast for monetary gains. I feel this is a good business model.

Carny

Meanwhile, the small town Sheriff is warned by the local “fire ’n brimstone” preacher to keep the “Lord’s mistakes” out of their bible-fearing community. That just seems prejudice to me; who could possibly be threatened by a man with two faces or a Leopard Woman with spots all over her body? At least she uses a litter box.

Carny

Assured that the mythical beast is sedated and poses no threat to the community or easily-stained clothing, the show goes on. You are simply not gonna believe what happens next. During the performance, the monster gets loose and goes after some teens in the woods. Yeah, I totally didn’t see it coming, either.

Carny

Like the Jersey Devil, the pastor is out for blood. He rallies all the gun-toting red necks in town for an outdoor BBQ with the freak show cast being the grilled treats. The pastor manages to kill the flying devil, its “dead” body dragged outside where the locals can have their picture taken with it. Wouldn’t be fun if Jersey just laid there, so it comes back to life and goes back to taking lives.

 

Carny

Speaking of, the creature, about the size of a regular devil dog, but with wings and bigger teeth, doesn’t look too digital. This is good, because he has a reputation to live up to. If he doesn’t do his job, then the easily-frightened folks of Pine Barrens will start believing in Bigfoot or some other tourist generating monster. And that’s not good business sense.

Carny

Flying around like a bomber seagull, Jersey buzzes the now-flaming carnival and ends up face to face with the preacher. The outcome? Let’s just say the Holy Man is now a “hole-y” man. Heh. In all, Carny (2009) has more blood than originally forecast, with several decent dismemberments and real-time autopsies as performed by JD.