Archive for Carmilla

Carnival Dinosaurs, Uncle Zombie Wants You, Girly Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jurassic World — The Ride

If you have mounting a dinosaur on your bucket list (okay, that came out wrong), get ready to scratch it off when Universal Studios Hollywood opens the theme-park attraction, Jurassic World — The Ride, summer of 2019. Now you won’t have to travel back in time (another bucket list line item) 145 to 201 million years ago for the experience.

Jurassic World — The Ride

Here’s how they’re gonna justify a high ticket price: “Once aboard specially designed rafts, guests will navigate the lush environs of dense vegetation, traversing new areas besieged with towering dinosaurs meandering just an arm’s length away from visitors. Encounters with such docile creatures as the Stegosaurus and Parasaurolophus will quickly turn awry as predatory Velociraptors and Dilophosaurus begin to wreak havoc, turning guests from spectators to prey. When the Tyrannosaurus rex begins to battle one of the attraction’s new behemoth dinosaurs, the rafts will spill down a treacherous 84-foot waterfall as the sole means of escape.”

Iron Sky

While I personally tend to stay away from carnival rides that can kill you (I’m looking in your direction, extra-spin-y Merry-Go-Round), I’ll be content to watch you do it. While you unpack that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as a raft full of screaming people going over an 84-foot waterfall…

The Man With The Magic Box

“This Orwellian sci-fi thriller is set in the dystopian future of 2030 Warsaw. A man wakes up without any memory of his previous life. He is assigned an apartment and a job as a janitor in an office building. But when he finds an old radio from the 1950s, it triggers mysterious visions of another past life. As he tries to piece together his past identity with the help of his beautiful but aloft boss, he runs afoul of a totalitarian government willing to do anything to stop him. A beguiling sci-fi love story that is at turns bleak, absurd, unsettling, and oddly affecting.”

A dystopian future that’s a sci-fi love story? I liked it better when it was called A Boy And His Dog (1975).

Dead Trigger

DEAD TRIGGER (May 3, 2019)
“A mysterious virus has killed billions and turned many others into bloodthirsty zombies. Unable to stop the virus, the government develops a video game Dead Trigger that mirrors the terrifying events that curse the world. The players who kill the most zombies in the game are recruited to combat the zombie horde in real life. Led by Captain Kyle Walker, the elite team travels to Terminal City, the origin of the outbreak, to find a team of scientists who have been working on a possible cure for the virus. The only way to get to them, however, is through a city full of terrifying undead mutants.”

Several observations: 1.) Zombies are not blood thirsty. They don’t even drink. If you need a designated driver, ride with a zombie. 2.) Being good with a gun on a video game does not make you a special ops shooter in real life. You have to be in rap video for those kinds of creds. 3.) A possible cure for the zombie virus is not possible. If there was, then why would we want to watch zombie movies? 4.) This plot is pulled from the cookie sheet of hundreds of similar zombie movies. But that’s kinda obvious.

The Furies

Rebellious high school students Kayla and her best friend Maddie are stalked and abducted by a sinister presence while out bombing their neighborhood with graffiti. Waking up, in the woods, bound and disoriented in a claustrophobic coffin-like apparatus, Kayla’s first thought is of Maddie. Before she has a chance to ruminate on the dreadful fate that may have befallen her friend, Kayla notices a terrifying masked man fast approaching, armed with a razor-sharp ax. As a chase ensues, it soon becomes clear that Kayla and her pursuer are not alone.

The punishment for unlawful graffiti a razor-sharp ax? Sounds too lenient.


Miss Fontaine is a governess to 15-year-old Lara who lives in total isolation in her family home. Struggling to find an outlet for her burgeoning sexuality, Lara is enchanted by the mysterious Carmilla and the pair strike up a passionate relationship. However, with rumors and superstition rife and with the exhortation of the family doctor Carmilla’s presence in their home begins to strike fear into those around her.”

This one is said to be inspired by the 1872 same named novel (or “book”) by Sheridan Le Fanu, and is considered one of the first works of vampire fiction. I didn’t know vampires could read.

Wed, Dead, Shot In The Head

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , on June 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Blood Spattered Bride

The Blood Spattered Bride (1972), with its multiple stab wounds, vampire neck biting, and noisy shotgun blasts to the head and coffin, certainly lives up to its descriptive title. Only thing it doesn’t tell you is that the story, while provocative for its time, is like waiting for multiple stab wounds to heal.

The Blood Spattered Bride

It all starts with Susan, a very gorgeous and very young newlywed, who keeps having violent sex visions and a wispy lady in a white gown who always seems to be just out of visual reach. Susan’s older and sexually predatory husband (referred to as “husband”, which is like calling your pet dog, “dog”) spirits Susan off to his big ‘ol country mansion and forcibly proceeds to get busy with her, over and over and over. Geez, hub – save some for tomorrow.

The Blood Spattered Bride

And still the lady in white looms. Turns out she’s the husband’s ancestor, Mircalla Karnstein, a vampire with no bra to speak of. She and Susan have a lot in common, what with Mircalla being sexually violated in a manner of ways on her honeymoon all those ancient years ago. This carried a severe penalty – the newly dubbed Mrs. Karnstein stabbed her newly dead husband one billion times and cut off his hangy doo. I don’t know which is worse.

The Blood Spattered Bride

Mircalla finally makes herself known (now going as Carmilla) and is found by husband buried in seashore sand, wearing nothing but a scuba mask and snorkel (!). Seems husband was out digging for clams and, well, found a keeper!

The Blood Spattered Bride

Bringing Sand-ra (heh) back to the house, it doesn’t take long for Susan and Carmilla to develop a special, um, bond, swapping spit and comparing husband infractions. It’s settled then – Susan will need to kill horny husband and cut off his hangy doo. But husband, whose hangy doo almost became a hangy don’t earlier, discovers the two slumbering vamps in a coffin in the basement, wearing nothing but invisible nightgowns.

The Blood Spattered Bride

Husband goes all proactive on ‘em and unloads 40 rounds into the lunch box with a rifle that never seems to run out of ammo. After shooting his servant’s 12 year-old daughter in the head as well (she revealed she’s now a vampire, too), husband opens the coffin and, with a knife worthy of carving a fresh roast holiday Turkey, starts hacking away at…