Archive for Burnt Offerings

Ghosts That Don’t Know They’re Ghosts

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Others

Her husband went away to war (version 2.0), leaving the icy Nicole Kidman to care for her bratty-ass kids, both of whom just happen to be sunshine-intolerant. Like vampires, they’ll go up like an unattended campfire hot dog if exposed to daylight. Sounds yummy.

The Others

But they don’t call ’em vampires; they simply state the kids are “photo-sensitive. They live in a spooky-ass house with more rooms than a Vegas hotel, and all the curtains have to be closed so the kids don’t fry like unattended bacon in a microwave.

The Others

For some reason, the help has run off without collecting their paychecks. So new housekeepers show up, then the scary fun starts — sort of. There are people in the house who don’t belong there, opening and closing doors, playing the piano, stomping on the floors as if members of the Bigfoot Ballet.

The Others

The mystery deepens when Kidman discovers old photographs of the house’s previous tenants, all of whom had their picture taken after they were dead. Then someone takes all the curtains down. A few chills, but nothing to get your goose bumps riled up about. Kidman is Hollywood gorgeous and suitably gooned out, but its her mouthy kids that oddly provide most of the entertainment.

The Others

At this point you should be able to figure out the ending. If not, then you need to watch Burnt Offerings, a 1976 classic haunted house flick that The Others (2001) borrows bare nakedly from.

Chick Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

There Are Monsters

Three impending horror movies, all involving chicks, or “women.” This is not a new thing as it turns out every horror movie since the beginning of time had women, or “chicks” in ’em. That’s an impressive statistic. You go, girl(s)!

Anyway, here’s the what’s what…

THERE ARE MONSTERS (Releasing 2016)
Mother and daughter trapped and tormented in a black forest by a screeching creature – it is unlike anything we have heard before. Not human. Not animal. Like a thousand horses, like a mother’s clamor, a baby’s wail. Only a mother’s protective love, her most primal instinct, can save her daughter from what’s lurking in the darkness.”

A screeching creature. An argument can be made that it’s another female nagging her ex about missed alimony payments.

The Blackcoat's Daughter / February

THE BLACKCOAT’S DAUGHTER (Releasing July 2016 on Direct TV)
Joan makes a bloody and determined pilgrimage across a frozen landscape toward a prestigious all girls prep school where Rose and Kat find themselves stranded after their parents mysteriously fail to retrieve them for winter break. As Joan gets closer, terrifying visions begin plaguing Kat while Rose watches in horror as she becomes possessed by an unseen evil force.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter was originally titled February. That’s not very scary OR marketable. But hey, not my movie. If it was I’d call it The Daughter’s Blackcoat. Chicks/women/ladies/gals dig fashion, so my title makes waaay more sense.

The Offering

THE OFFERING (Releasing May 6, 2016)
When Jamie, a successful reporter, finds out that her sister has died mysteriously, she travels to Singapore to uncover the truth. There, she discovers multiple deaths linked to her sister and must join forces with her sister’s husband in order to defeat a demonic entity that is using new technology to complete an ancient mission.

A demonic entity who is tech savvy. I’ve experienced just such a thing, as indicated by that foul spirit who lives in my digital toaster and always makes the toast burn. (I set it on 3 but it always comes out looking like a 12.)

Burnt Offerings

I should’ve made this movie and called it Burnt Offerings and… Oh, wait – already been done in 1976. That one should’ve been about a possessed toaster that blackens the bread, and they have to call in a “breakforcist” to scrape the soul clean. Heh.

Haunted House Janitorial Service

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burnt Offerings

Here’s an idea – take a vacation and stay in a haunted house. Rent is only $900 for two months with fridge privileges, but you have to clean up the place and feed the old lady in the attic once a day. Oh yeah, you can’t talk to her or even look at her withered old face, either. Just leave the food outside the door and get your fat sack out.

Burnt Offerings

So the Rolf family moves into the spooky 37 room/50 acre Victorian mansion on the agreement they’ll take care of Aunt Bat and mop the floors, mow the lawn, clean the turds out of the pool, etc. Yep, sounds a like a real relaxing vacation.

Burnt Offerings

So mom, dad, the kid and their aunt Elizabeth (played by the iconic shriveled raisin Bette Davis) move in and slowly things start going tilt-a-whirl, like dad suddenly going mental and trying to drown his son Davey in the just-cleaned pool. Then there are the photos throughout the house depicting unrelated people, none of whom are smiling. Would you smile if there were turds in your swimming pool? Sure as heck not me.

Burnt Offerings

You’d think the Rolfs would get the hell outta there, but man, that was such a sweet deal on the rent, hard to throw it down the drain just because of violent, unexplained mood swings and dead relatives. As everyone finds out TOO FREAKIN’ LATE the house is alive – and it doesn’t want alive people in it.

Burnt Offerings

If I were to tell you the secret of Burnt Offering’s (1976) old woman in the attic, you’d probably never send me $5.00 in the mail. Let’s just say it’s spookified. And those photos in the house? Take another look. And no, I’m not in any of ’em doing the two-fingered dealie behind someone’s head. I save that for wedding pictures.