Spider Burger, Heavy Metal Vampires, Rabbit Revenge

Burger King™, MacDonald’s™ golden arch nemesis, is upping the fast food game with the premier of the Spider-Verse™ Whopper, complete with a red bun and whatever they can stuff in-between ’em. And it’s upgradeable with a Spider-Verse™ Sundae, which is ice cream topped with black and red chocolate candies. That’s cool, I suppose, but they missed the marketing hoop by not offering web-like cotton candy. 

The Spider-Verse™ Whopper is available for digestion purposes from May 15 to June 21, 2023, which is ahead of the premiere of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. But there’s more from BK’s™ press release: “Spider-Verse will also taking over select restaurants in New York City, France, United Arab Emirates, Brazil and other locations. The locations will have interactive designs that place guests and fans inside the action-packed Spider-Verse.” They had me at other locations.

So while we scope out a BK™ eatery to park our peter (heh), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be topped with black and red chocolate candies to make up for bland plot flavors…

SAINT DROGO / Out now (VOD)

A gay couple, whose relationship has grown a bit strained, take an impromptu trip to Provincetown, Cape Cod in the off-season. Caleb, one half of the couple, has been plagued by nightmares of his ex, who had been working in Provincetown for the summer. When they arrive to town, it appears Caleb’s ex has gone missing. As disturbing hallucinations continue to haunt Caleb, he becomes more determined in finding him. But the closer he gets, the sooner he nears the sinister secret the town is hiding.”

The sinister secret the town is hiding is that the Wellfleet oysters at Mac’s Fish House Provincetown are served without silverware. This means if you get raw oyster juice on your fingers and then rub your eye, your eye will swell up to the size of a hard boiled egg. Just pray it doesn’t explode and get pupil particles over your Old Navy™ Classic Fit Linen-Blend Polo shirt.

DEATH RIDER IN THE HOUSE OF VAMPIRES / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“The mysterious Death Rider – clad all in black – travels through the desert on horseback. His destination — Vampire Sanctuary. The entrance fee — one female virgin. Once inside he encounters Count Holliday, Vampire Lord of Sanctuary, who warns him against any transgressions. Blood and guns action follow as Death Rider tangles with some of the vampires of Sanctuary like the smoldering Carmilla Joe with her sidekick Mina Belle and vampire gunslingers Drac Cassidy, Bad Bathory, Kid Vlad and Duke VonWayne.”

This one, by Danzig/Samhain/Misfits horror frontman, Glenn Danzig, was release to select theaters (i.e., the neighbor’s living room) in 2021. Now it’s showing its teeth at the Cannes Film Festival. Speaking of teeth, no word on whether or not the 68-year-old rock “star”/senior citizen will be wearing dentures to the premier.

MAYA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A teenage girl can’t remember her childhood. With the help of her adopted sister, Kalika, Maya seeks to recover her lost memories, unaware of the horrors that this journey will bring. Both leads do an admirable job of portraying the fear around losing — or watching someone — lose their grip on reality.”

This one’s being described as A Tale of Two Sisters and The Changeling. Guess which one of those I watched?

THUMPER’S REVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Screams echo in the meadow and blood will spill when hunters take aim at Bambi from the hill. They can run and they can plead, but Thumper is about to make them bleed.”

That bottom of the barrel I keep talking about? Apparently there isn’t one.

Gruesome Grub, Spooky Flophouse, Artificial Witches

If you’re an epicurist of fine dining (snob snacking), then you no doubt heard of gourmet eateries like McDonald’s™, Burger King™ or Taco Bell™. But none of these can hold an ice cream fork to Haunted House of Hamburgers™, a year-round Halloween-themed burger joint located in Farmingdale, NY, which is 2,852 driving miles from Seattle, where I’m currently choking down non-themed, napkin-assisted food.

Here’s why we (me and whomsoever) should carpool it to Haunted House of Hamburgers™: “Located at 330 Fulton Street in Farmingdale, Haunted House of Hamburgers™ aims to bring Halloween fun to every day of the year, offering a menu of treats and drinks, all appropriately horror-themed, including Silver Bullet Pancakes, Ominous Omelets, Tombstone Tacos, Vampire Bat Wings, Killer Clown Clam Chowder, Tarantula Burgers, Poltergeist Pulled Pork, and more.” They had me at menu.

So while we look forward to sinking our fangs into a Tarantula Burger (hope it doesn’t really taste like a spider, with or without web-flavored ketchup), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/series that may or may not leave a deep-fried taste in your mouth…

THE LAST OF US / January 15, 2023 (HBOMax™)

“The series takes place 20 years after modern civilization has been destroyed. Joel, a hardened survivor, is hired to smuggle Ellie, a 14-year-old girl, out of an oppressive quarantine zone. What starts as a small job soon becomes a brutal, heartbreaking journey, as they both must traverse the U.S. and depend on each other for survival.”

The Last of Us is based on a video game with the same name from 2013. Had to look that up as I can’t remember back that far. Heck, I can’t even recall what I drank for breakfast.

HAUNTED MANSION / March 10, 2023 (Theaters/Disney+™)

“Gabbie, a single mom, hires a tour guide, a psychic, a priest, and a historian to help exorcise her newly-bought mansion after discovering its inhabited by ghosts.”

A single mom who can afford to buy a mansion and hire “specialists” to purge the premise of poltergeists? Wish I could meet ladies like this instead of one of those “last call” gals at the bowling alley, where the term “pick up a spare” has double meaning.

SALEM’S LOT / April 21, 2023 (Theaters)

“A writer returns to his childhood home of Jerusalem’s Lot in search of inspiration for his next book, only to discover his hometown is being preyed upon by a vampire. This leads him to band together a ragtag group to fight the evil presence.”

The plot (based on some sort of book from 1975) sounds alarmingly familiar. I’m guessing it’s because the first Salem’s Lot movie came out in 1979. A Return to Salem’s Lot (i.e., double crappy sequel) was released in 1987. (That took awhile to return.) Then the first remake came out in 2004 as a mini-series. I really hope the vampires aren’t getting the short end of the stake on royalties.

WITCH / Pending release 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Set in Dawnbrook, England in 1575, William must prove the innocence of his wife Twyla, who stands accused of being a witch. William must hunt down the real witch if Twyla is to be spared, but unearthly events make them both look doomed.”

Artificial witches…real witches…unearthly events. This sounds more like Ladies Night at the Tug Tavern than a semi-interesting period piece film (or “moving picture show”).

Phantom Food, Possessed Puppets, Corn-y Kids

Always look forward to fast food giant Burger King’s™ annual Halloween themed and ridiculously healthy cuisine. This year they outdid themselves — the sphincter-clenching Ghost Pepper Whopper™, which cranks up the blast furnace that is your mouth. So yeah, I’m in.

From BK’s press release: “The Ghost Pepper Whopper™, true to its name, features a burger with white cheddar-flavored orange-colored buns topped with Ghost Pepper cheese. It’s also packed with bacon, fried jalapeños, and a queso sauce.” They could just sell me the orange-colored buns and call it day. But wait, there’s more: “Along with the launch of the new Whopper™, Burger King’s™ app has also launched a “Ghost Detector”, which will help you find ghosts in your home…and unlock a special deal.” An app that finds ghosts in my house? Why am I just finding out about this now?

And now the bad news, which doesn’t include the mandatory bathroom time after eating said Ghost Whooper™— it’s only available in select restaurants in 10 cities: Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, San Francisco, Savannah, Summerville, and New Orleans. (There’s a new Orleans? What happened to the old one?)

While we juice up the jalopy and head to whatever city is closest (807 miles from Seattle to San Francisco), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put your indoor/outdoor plumbing to the test…

DEATH CAMP / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“A group of teenagers go to an abandoned cabin for a summer weekend where kids from a high school class were killed 20 years earlier.”

Clichéd [ klee-sheyd, kli- ]: Adjective — Representing or expressing a cliché or stereotype; trite; hackneyed; commonplace.

DOKTOR DEATH / October 28, 2022 (Full Moon Features™ channel)

“A beautiful young med student is trapped in an erotic nightmare and must face-off against the demon that inhabits the evil puppet.”

They had me at “erotic nightmare.” They lost me at “evil puppet.”

PRESENCE / November 17, 2022 (VOD)

“Leaving New York after a mental breakdown, Jennifer is contacted by her best friend about good news concerning their joint business venture. Within the hour, Jennifer is boarding a private plane and walking down the dock to a billionaire’s private yacht. All seems well, except that Jennifer is plagued by violent, unsettling visions. Is her unchecked anxiety attempting to self-sabotage her once again…or has a sinister presence latched onto her?”

If you’re flying on a private plane and floating around on a private yacht, unchecked anxiety and/or a sinister presence should be the least of your baggage. Store it in the overhead compartment and sit down. 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / Fall 2022 (VOD)

“Eden, an orphan possessed by the spirit of the town’s dying cornfield decides to take revenge against the town’s adults, who are destroying the corn (and the children’s future) with their irresponsible decisions. Bo, equally upset at the adults’ selfish behavior, decides to make a stand against Eden’s radical plan to massacre every adult living in the town. After much mayhem, their epic final showdown leads to Bo and Eden facing off one last time, with the fate of everyone and everything in their hands.”

Some corn to shuck here — this remake allegedly came out in October of 2020 in…Sarasota, FL, which causes quizzical expressions on my non-Floridian face. Secondly, it’s allegedly being released to VOD platforms any day/week now. Thirdly, the original Children of the Corn came out in 1984 and grew 10 more sequels, each less tasty than the one that came before it. Fourthly, I never watched said sequels as I felt it was my mom’s subversive way of getting me to eat vegetables. For all the good that did, they may as well have titled it Children of the Cauliflower.

Canned Puke, Medicated Zombies, Vampire Socialite

It makes sense that upscale eateries like Burger King™ and McDonald’s™ annually come out with seasonal themed food-like substances. But Christmas Tinner™, an entire holiday meal in a can, easily takes the crown.

In what seems like something out of a horror movie, Christmas Tinner™ is a nine-layer meal that includes everything you need for a traditional Christmas dinner, including dessert. I think I just thew up in my own mouth.

If you have a strong stomach, the “meal” starts with scrambled egg and bacon (WTF?), then layers down to mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, Brussel sprouts/broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips. And if this wasn’t enough, they stuff Christmas pudding at the bottom. All of a sudden, gas station sushi doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Wonder if it looks the same way coming out as it does going in? While you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you needing your stomach pumped after watching ‘em. (P.S. Christmas Tinner™ photos courtesy of Chris Godfrey)…

ELVES (December, 2018)
“The Holiday Reaper, a ruthless killer that terrorized a small Texas town, has been caught. While celebrating, a group of friends find an elf inside a magical toy box. When a freak accident kills one of them, they discover a group of elves have been scattered throughout town, each representing one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a race against time to survive the elves’ wrath before Christmas ends.”

A gang of homicidal elves trying to ruin Christmas? I bet Santa is rolling over in his Christmas Tinner™.

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018/2019)
“The deadly, wisecracking Leprechaun is back in all his gory glory. When the sorority sisters of the Alpha Upsilon house decide to go green and use an old well as their water source, they unwittingly awaken a pint-sized, green-clad monster. The Leprechaun wants a pot of gold buried near the sorority house, but first, he must recover his powers with a killing spree — and only the girls of AU can stop him.”

You’d think they would’ve pulled life support on this one after the disastrous Leprechaun Origins (2014). That one was so bad, even non-Hollywood Leprechauns boycotted the movie.

ALTERED SKIN (February, 2019)
“During a routine hospital round, Insiya Zia, a Pakistani doctor, contracts a virus called the MN-2. A devastating pathogen, the virus causes uncontrollable outbursts of violent rage. With no cure in sight, the doctors have no choice but put Insiya in a state of induced coma. Meanwhile, the virus continues to spread through the country. The only relief is a drug called Cidhar, sold as an adhesive patch. However, it’s not a cure. All it does is calm the symptoms for a few hours. As Insiya’s condition continues to deteriorate, it appears her husband has accepted her impending death. But then the dead body of an investigative reporter turns.”

A Pakistani zombie movie that borrows (i.e., steals) from The Returned, a 2013 Spanish/Canadian film that goes a little like this: “When a rare and difficult to obtain medicine that requires daily doses to stave off the effects of a zombie infection runs low, a physician and her infected husband go on the run to avoid angry demonstrators.”

They go to all this trouble when beer is the cure-all to pretty much everything, except it turns you into a zombie as opposed to the other way around.

MORBID COLORS (2019)
“Two foster sisters hunt down a socialite whom they believe infected the elder sibling with vampirism.”

Being a vampire seems like a better option than having a Rent-A-Center™ parent.

Nightmare King, Porno Slasher, Ghost Mom

It’s one thing to eat fast food and later get nightmares. But it’s entirely another thing to have a fast food chain tell you up front their burgers will give you nightmares. Genius, and yet unsettling, both to your mind and lower intestines.

Burger King™, hot on the heels of their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta™ drink for this year’s Halloween season, is now selling the Nightmare King™ (great name), a hamburger with green buns (there’s a joke in there somewhere) that’s designed to make you freak out in your sleep. Time to throw out your Freddy Krueger spring rolls.

A review from CNBC.com: “The Nightmare King hase a ghoulish green bun and is filled with grilled beef, crispy chicken, bacon, American cheese and mayonnaise. And Burger King is actually claiming that the Halloween sandwich will induce nightmares, having tested it with 100 people over ten nights. The study revealed a 3.5 time increase in nightmares.

It’s the combination of protein and cheese that leads to vivid dreams, according to Dr. Jose Gabriel Medina, a somnologist and the study’s lead doctor, according to an online release. People’s Rapid Eye Movement (REM) cycles were interrupted, a time when most people dream.”

So they actually went out and found a doctor to validate their marketing. Wonder if they hired Republicans to cook ‘em? And before you race to Burger King™ to shell out $6.39 for one of these bad dream burgers (available October 22, 2018 while stocks last), here are a few upcoming horror that may or may not be as scary as green buns…

THE CLOVEHITCH KILLER (November 16, 2018)
“Tyler is a good kid, a boy scout, raised by a poor but happy family in a small, religious town. But when he finds his dad, Don, has disturbing pornography hidden in the shed, he starts to fear that his dad might be Clovehitch, an infamous serial killer that was never caught. Tyler teams up with Kassi, a teenage outcast who’s morbidly obsessed with the Clovehitch legend, to discover the truth in time to save his family.”

Porn is disturbing and a religious town isn’t? Seems they got their priorities out of whack. They probably should let Clovey get in there and straighten everyone out.

THE PRODIGY (February 8, 2019)
“Pulling from The Omen and The Bad Seed, the feature tells the story of a young mother who, concerned about her 8-year-old son’s disturbing behavior, thinks something supernatural may be affecting him.”

Pulling from The Omen (1976) and The Bad Seed (1956)? How about bold-face ripping off? And just so we’re clear here, disturbing behavior is what 8-year-old kids do for a living. If you own and operate one of those things, expect it to continue for at least another 10 years.

THE FINAL WISH (2018/2019)
“Aaron is struggling lawyer who returns home following the passing of his father to help his devastated mother and confront his past demons. Sifting through his father’s belongings, Aaron stumbles upon an Urn which is far more than it seems. As his desires and wishes start coming true, Aaron thinks his prayers have been answered until he learn the sinister price that comes with THE FINAL WISH.”

A can of beer has pretty much the same effect. And when you’re wishes run out, BUY ANOTHER CAN OF BEER. This isn’t rocket science, people.

THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (April 19, 2019)
“Ignoring the eerie warning of a troubled mother suspected of child endangerment, a social worker and her own small kids are soon drawn into a frightening supernatural realm. Their only hope to survive La Llorona’s deadly wrath may be a disillusioned priest and the mysticism he practices to keep evil at bay, on the fringes where fear and faith collide.”

There’s been about a dozen takes on the La Llorona Mexican folklore, which is about the ghost of a woman, who lost her children, cries while looking for them in the river, often causing bad luck/headaches for anyone who hears her spectral bellyaching. Note to ghost moms — the river is not a good babysitter.

History of Horror, Evil Cadavers, Bowel Soda

Burger King ™, the common man’s McDonald’s™, is getting into the Halloween spirit with their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta drink, available now through All Hallows’ Eve. Here are the stats: 120 calories, 0g fat, 0g saturated fat, 0g cholesterol, 65mg sodium, 34g carbs, 0 g fiber, 33g sugar, 0g protein and 100g artificial flavor. But there’s an upside — the seasonal drink turns your mouth black, and by extension, whatever comes out of your bowels. 

Before you race to your local Burger King™ to buy a gallon of this stuff, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stress test your bowels…

ELI ROTH’S HISTORY OF HORROR (October 14, 2018/AMC)
“A seven-episode deep dive into the world of horror, History of Horror features interviews with some of the genre’s top creators, and each episode will cover a different sub-genre of horror, ranging from supernatural entities to slasher maniacs.”

Supernatural entities to slasher maniacs. Looks like Eli’s been drinking in the same bar as me.

STORYBOOK OF HORROR (available now/Amazon Prime™)
“Turn down the lights, and get ready for six horror tales that are sure to give you nightmares in this storybook horror anthology.”

For a really good collection of horror shorts (I think I just described my neighbor’s underwear), check out Tales of Halloween (2015), and take a drink every time blood is spilled; You’ll be drunk by the third story.

PROSPECT (November 2, 2018)
“A teenage girl and her father travel to a remote alien moon, aiming to strike it rich. But there are others roving the wilderness and a job quickly devolves into a fight to survive. Forced to contend not only with the forest’s other ruthless inhabitants, but with her own father’s greed-addled judgment, the girl finds she must carve her own path to escape.”

A remote alien moon seems like a long way to go to strike it rich. They should stay on Earth and play the Power Ball Lottery™. Odds are you probably won’t win, but at least you won’t have to deal with ruthless inhabitants. Ironically, you’ll be swarmed with ruthless inhabitants if you do win.

THE POSSESSION OF HANNAH GRACE (2018)
“A shocking exorcism spirals out of control, claiming the life of a young woman. Months later, Megan Reed is working the graveyard shift in the morgue when she takes delivery of a disfigured cadaver. Locked alone inside the basement corridors, Megan begins to experience horrifying visions and starts to suspect that the body may be possessed by a ruthless demonic force.”

Graveyard shift at the morgue. Sounds like a bad pun. Works in reverse, too. I do, however, like the premise of a disfigured corpse powered by evil. Has a certain zing to it.

Soulless Hamburgers, Evil Churches, Infected Farmers

I usually don’t get gooned out by stuff I’ve seen in movies. But in real life, stand back — barf-o-rama. In this case, the spew-inducing instigator is the new black Halloween hamburgers from McDonald’s™ and Burger King™ in Japan. The Mickey D’s hockey pucks have squid ink dyed hamburger buns. Whereas the Burger King buns sport not only a charcoal-esque pallor but black cheese as well. I just felt my throat contract.

Japan’s squid ink burger will set you back 370 yen, which translates to $3.40 U.S. bit coins/paper route money. This does not include tar milkshakes or burnt shoestring fries.

The Burger King™ Black Ninja Burger actually has two spin-offs (or “sequels”): the Kuro Diamond and Kuro Pearl, which feature not just black buns, but slices of cheese and a tangy sauce that look dark enough to come from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Both hell-spawn sandwiches are available now if you live in Japan. For those of us not adventurous enough to stick one of those things in our collective black holes, will just have to settle for these just released and upcoming (and hopefully digestible) horror and sci-fi movies…

SCALER, DARK SPIRIT (available now/VOD)
“A paranormal researcher is given video footage that reveals clues to an ancient evil residing in catacombs beneath the old city church.”

Reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987), wherein a college theoretic physics team and professor with one squint-y eye investigates a sentient, swirly green liquid in a large glass mayonnaise jar in the basement of an old Catholic church. It turns out to be wet Satan, but those with a degree at first deduce it to be a septic tank for the church’s unholy leavings. Close.

TRAUMA (2017)
“Four friends visit a rural locality of Chile, are brutally attacked by a man and his son. After not finding help in the town, they decide to confront these men with the help of a pair of policemen. But in this way, they will discover that their attackers have in their blood the direct legacy of the darkest period of Chilean history and will have to face the most brutal enemy.”

Try not to confuse this Trauma with about, oh, a dozen other movies with the same title, dating back to the ancient days of 1993. So you can watch this and have a bowl of Chile. Or not watch it and have a bowl of chili. Without beans.

3 HOURS TILL DEAD (available now/VOD)
“An AWOL soldier with PTSD goes into hiding along with his brother and a few friends. They retreat into a rural farm area unaware that the outside world has ceased to function. On their way back to civilization, his brother is attacked by an infected farmer. He quickly morphs into a rabid animal and lives for exactly three hours. Realizing they are in grave danger, they head back to the forest trying to outlive the legions of the infected.”

This may have come out in the year 2016 on some sort of physical media, but these are things I know not of which I speak. That spoken, the be attacked by an infected, rabid farmer is not new. With all the chicken/cow/pig/horse dropping farmers get on their hands and then rub their eyes (probably due to hay fever), it’s a wonder we’re all not infected from the farm food those guys handle without using convenient moist towelettes and anti-bacterial soap from a push button dispenser. Still, a zombie farmer — that’s kinda neat.

DEAD BODY (2018)
“Several friends decide to celebrate their high school graduation at a lake house in the woods. One of the classmates recommends that they play the old-fashioned game of Dead Body. In the game, one player is ‘the body,’ one player is ‘the killer’ and all of the other players try to figure out whodunit. Unfortunately, on this particular night, the game ends up featuring a real-life killer. The bodies begin piling up and, in an ‘Agatha Christie And Then There Were None’ style mystery, the survivors are forced to figure out who the killer is amongst them — before there is no one left standing.”

This one’s been banging around the film festival circuit since 2015. Still, sounds like the classic board game Clue (called Cluedo in the UK), which first came out in 1949. I don’t think that one had a real-life killer in it, though. Those guys cheat all the time.