Nightmare Travel Host, Evil Easter, Heartless Operation

Freddy Krueger on The Travel Channel™? Book me a seat! Actually, it’s Freddy Krueger actor, Robert Englund. But Clark Kent is still Superman, no matter if he’s wearin’ the cape or not.

Shadows of History, the six episode series, premiers sometime in 2019, which, unless you frequently time-travel, is this year. From the press release: “In each episode, the Nightmare on Elm Street star will track down the story behind a bizarre or mysterious account printed in an American newspaper in the past. He will enlist historians and scholars to get to the truth behind the reports.” You can hear Englund in his best Freddy voice intro each show — “I’m your travel agent now!”

While we wait for Robert Englund to appear on Expedia.com commercials, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as terrifying as The Travel Channel™…

MADE ME DO IT (April 12, 2019)
“After a lifetime of abuse and rejection, a man finds unconditional love when he dons a mask called Barbara. But Barbara has an all-consuming taste for murder, as a college student and her little brother are about to discover.”

Most lonely guys would find unconditional love with an inflatable sex doll. Doesn’t seem like a mask would fulfill all his…needs. Whatever — love the one your with.

CHAMBERS (April 26, 2019/Netflix™)
“Nancy is the mother of the heart donor who forges a hesitant relationship with the young recipient only to find out her daughter may not be as dead as she thought.”

That’s pretty heartless. Okay, that came out wrong. So am I reading into this correctly — mom gave away her daughter’s heart before said daughter was done using it? She could get cardiac arrested for that. C’mon, that was funny. Geez…

ROTTENTAIL (April 12, 2019 |Theatrical | April 26, 2019 | DVD)
“Adapted from the graphic novel, Rottentail is the story of geeky fertility researcher Peter Cotton who, when bitten by a mutant rabbit, transforms into a vengeance-seeking half-man/half-bunny. What’s a boy to do? Why, take a hippity, hoppity trip home of course! Peter begins a bloody killing spree that culminates in his childhood hometown of Easter Falls.”

There have been an overflowing basket full of horror Easter movies (including the documentaries) before this one: Easter Bunny Bloodbath (2004), Kottentails (2004), Peter Rottentail (2004), Serial Rabbit (2005), Easter Bunny Kill Kill (2006), Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares (2009), Bunnyman (2011), Easter Casket (2013), Easter Sunday (2014), Beasterday: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell (2014), Serial Rabbit V: The Epic Hunt (2017), and Bunnyman Vengeance (2017). There’s probably more, but you’ll have to…hunt…for them. Heh.

ACHOURA (2019)
“Four kids have fun at frightening one another and decide to go explore a condemned and probably haunted house. One of them disappears in mysterious circumstances. The three survivors try to forget, until Samir reappears 25 years later. The group will eventually have to confront the past.”

I didn’t know what Achoura was, so I clicked it up. It’s a Moroccan religious celebration where children splash water on each other. Way to ruin playtime in a backyard pool with religion, Morocco. 

Large And In Charge Halloween, Family Devils, Dancing Werewolves

Torrid.com, a fashion site specializing in clothing for plus-sized women, just came out with this season’s Halloween costume line. In your face, stupid body shamers!

Ladies, in any size/shape, are all Wonder Women — and Torrid even has the WW costume to back that up. You can also get cool Halloween-wear like Maleficent (complete with those sweet curvy horns), Spider-Girl (it’ll make the fellas web their pants), Voodoo Doll (guys — if you see a gal wearing this, you may start feeling a small prick), and the fashionable-year-’round Bat costume.

So the next time you wanna make disparaging remarks about a woman’s looks and/or size, remember the irony — people who do this have fat heads.

Here are a few now available/upcoming horror/science fiction movies to give you something better to do…

DON’T LET THE DEVIL IN (available now)
“After being relocated from the city to a small Appalachian town in order to oversea the development of a casino, Land Developer John Harris and his wife, previously warned there would be resentment within the community, soon find themselves entangled within a tapestry of pure evil that lurks within.”

Tapestry of pure evil. How can you resist a line like that? It’s right up there with “drapery of doom” and “a carpet of carnage.” Kinda makes me wanna give my apartment a makeover.

BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE (October 20, 2017/VOD)
“The man known as Bunnyman returns home to find his family running a haunted house attraction. The family welcomes him home, but soon realizes you cannot domesticate a wild animal. Death and mayhem ensue as the family turn on one another to fulfill their bloodlust.”

The third in a trilogy of a serial killer wearing a dirty Easter bunny costume. Didn’t think they had two more in ’em after the first one. But hey, when is a slasher in a kill-stained bunny outfit not entertaining?

DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“Cassie flees an abusive relationship and falls victim to a moon-worshiping 600 year old Romanian Countess. A troubled paranormal investigator of Native American heritage finds himself in a deadly love triangle with a battered-woman werewolf.”

This title sure gets around: movies, books/adult fiction memoirs, paranormal crime paperbacks, animated cartoons, YouTube™ videos of werewolves dancing to The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” mega disco hit… There’s even funny fake movie posters online riffing on Kevin Costner’s Dancing With Wolves 1990 movie. (He’s kinda convincing as a hunter of man-beasts.) But this one features Phantasm/horror icon Angus Scrimm in his last role before passing away in 2016 at the age of 89. You’re never too old to dance/do battle with werewolves.

ISTY BITSY (2018)
“Kara moves from New York to the quiet countryside with her two children for a job opportunity she can’t afford to turn down. The family moves into their humble new guesthouse. Kara begins her work as a private nurse to Walter, a man stricken with multiple sclerosis and an appraiser of rare antiquities with a secretive past. Doom precedes them. Akiba, a shady international associate of Walter’s, brings with him a mysterious relic of ancient origin. All too quickly they discover the relic contains more than just legends. Inside, waits a terrifying creature born of ancient darkness and pure instinct…a prehistoric cave spider unlike the modern world has ever seen.”

Spiders existed in prehistoric times? Stink beetles, sure. But eight-legged bugs? Sounds so made up. (This is what happens when you watch too many horror movies and your brain turns into oatmeal.) I hope the cave spider looks like/grows to the size of a dinosaur. I think dinosaurs may have existed in prehistoric times. Gonna have to click on something to verify. But not right now. For some reason I’m craving a bowl of oatmeal.