Archive for Bulgaria

Smart Aliens, Evilness & World Destroying Cats

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Life

Looking at the overflowing toilet of impending horror/sci-fi movies, I’m visibly shocked and probably shaken to the core that there are no movies about robot werewolves. Hollywood — where are you? I’ve written 13 scripts, all ready to go. Admittedly, they’re all the same. But hey, if it’s not broken, why fix it?

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that don’t have robot werewolves in ‘em…

LIFE (May 26, 2017)
“A six-member crew of the International Space Station is on the cutting edge of one of the most important discoveries in human history: the first evidence of extraterrestrial life on Mars. As the crew begins to conduct research, their methods end up having unintended consequences and the life form proves more intelligent than anyone ever expected.”

Of course extraterrestrials are more intelligent than we are; they don’t live here. A big-budget sci-fi movie featuring movie stars who have more money in their bank accounts than us non-Hollywood types. They should pay us to go to the movies.

From a House on Willow Street

FROM A HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET (2017/VOD/Limited)
“Roguish kidnappers abduct the daughter of a wealthy diamond distributor. When they have her locked up in their hideout, they realize she’s been possessed by a sinister demon.”

Rougish kidnappers. They sound mean. I hope the sinister demon gives them a smack lesson in civic manners and such.

Moggy Creatures

MOGGY CREATURES (in-production/2017)
“A couple takes in a stray cat, hoping to rebuild their marriage, only to have it spawn a litter of evil monsters.”

If you need a cat to rebuild your marriage, your relationship is already in the dumper. As for a litter of evil monsters, they’re cats; what did you expect? Cats have been planning the end of the world long before we started buying ‘em Fancy Feast™, sparkle collars and giving them names like “Shakespurr” and “Sir Pickles Pennybottom.”

Nightworld

NIGHTWORLD (2017)
“When former LAPD officer Brett Anderson takes a job as head of security at an old apartment building in Bulgaria’s capital, he soon begins to experience a series of bizarre and terrifying events. Once he begins to delve deep into the building’s sinister history, and investigate its shadowy owners and past employees, Brett soon uncovers a malevolent force nestled deep in the bowels of the building in basement that will do anything to be set free into our world.”

Sound familiar? Of course it does. This was the same plot for Mirrors (2008), except in that one it was an evil department store. But hey, “apartment” rhymes with “department,” so guilty as charged.

Cut Shoot Kill

CUT SHOOT KILL (2017)
Serena Brooks, an ambitious young actress, signs on as the star of a horror film with a crew of backwoods filmmakers that have worked together for years. When the cast starts disappearing, Serena has to become her character if she wants to survive.”

YET ANOTHER case of plot-lifting. This was the outline of Cut, released back in 2000. That one starred Molly Ringwald, who was in the delightful, yet critically savaged Jem and the Holograms (2015). The media can be so cruel.

Monster of Rock

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , on August 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rock Monster

A college doof descendant of the Lazarus family shows up in a village (that looks a heckuva lot like Bulgaria) by invitation from the small town’s mayor. Once there with his expendable friends, he pulls an ancient sword out of a stone and resurrects a giant stone monster that growls (where the heck are the vocal chords?) and stomps on people.

Rock Monster

The sword can send the creature back to the quarry, but it needs the help of the Keystone (a magic jewel, not the hopelessly flavorless beer). But a bald bad guy wants it for himself in order to bathe in the light the sun casts through it so he can become an all-powerful poopy pants.

Rock Monster

The rock monster level bosses his way around town and bites a surprisingly small chunk out of one the college doof’s friend’s head and throws — you guessed it — rocks at everyone else.

Rock Monster

The monster looks like it was pulled right out of a video game and the plot so undercooked it probably has E.coli. I could throw out some painfully wincing dialogue as examples, but they’re so bad, my fingers would hurt from typing them. Now for my favorite part: Rock Monster (2008) does not rock. Man, I’m awesome.