Archive for brains

Facing A Faceless Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fiend Without A Face

The faceless fiends in Fiend Without a Face (1958) remind me of that old Richard Pryor joke where men spend the first nine months of their lives trying to get out of the womb, and the rest of their lives trying to get back in. That’s pretty funny.

Fiend Without A Face

The previously invisible creatures eventually materialize into extra large brains with a spinal cord tails. And while they aren’t exactly trying to get back into heads, they do suck your brain and spinal cord out through two “bite marks” in the back of your neck to make more mind mates.

Fiend Without A Face

These creatures were once manifested thought brought to solid life by lightning quality electricity, the byproduct of an old fart professor scientist who had been experimenting with using his mind without his hands for decades. Big deal – I’ve been manifesting solid farts since birth.

Fiend Without A Face

For the first two-thirds of the movie you only hear this faceless creature (loud heart beats that sound like clopping footsteps), rustling leaves, torn screen doors, etc. Then you see their victims clutch the back of their necks as if being hammer-locked by an entertainment grade pro wrestler, and then immediately dying with eyes wide open and mouth agape as their brains and spinal columns are slurped out.

Fiend Without A Face

Major Jeff Cummings of the U.S. Airforce stationed in Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada for atomic energy testing next to Canadian cows, Canadian farms and Canadian Canadians called the attacks on the locals as being the work of mental vampires. (I know a lot of those.) To buy time before the brains become visible enough to fight, he spends his time mackin’ on the professor scientist’s hot assistant. (She resists at first, but then later gives up the sugar.)

Fiend Without A Face

The best part of this clunky sci-fi classic is when the brains corner a few military brass, the professor, who just moments ago confessed to creating the monsters in a concise and believable back story, a panicky local old fart, and the hot assistant.

Fiend Without A Face

Boarding up the one window and blocking the door, the brains – flying like mental Frisbees™ – get in through the fireplace chimney and punched holes in the windows. When shot by the military guys, these brains got big time splat and stop-motion dissolve into red-stained oatmeal. This is the same method used on those ick demons in The Evil Dead (1981).

So if you wanna see flying brains, guns and oatmeal splat, you don’t have to go much further than Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada.

Baron Von Brain Eater

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Brainiac

Baron Vitelius of Astara is about to have a bad day, though you wouldn’t know it by the smug look on his face as he’s being tried by a Spanish Inquisition for witchcraft, necromancy and assorted wrongness in 1661. If convicted – and it’s pretty much a slam dunk by the black hooded tribunal who only speak in sub-titles – Baron Von Smirky Smirk is gonna be the featured attraction at a good old fashioned witch burning.

The Brainiac

Before he can do his impression of a S’more, a 300 year cycle comet suddenly appears overhead, and the BBQ Baron swears to the sparky meteor that he will return in 300 years (as when the comet does its round trip) to exact revenge on all his accusers’ descendants. (He’s lucky no one is gay so he can return from the dead and make kill happen to all of the above.) Thus is the gripping beginning of 1962’s Spanish horror camp classic, The Brainiac (aka, Baron of Terror).

The Brainiac

Sure as the morning wood rises, 300 years to the day the comet crashes the party and Baron Vitelius is hitching a ride. A fragment breaks off and gently lands on the ground and turns into the Baron, who in turn transforms into a human-sized demon fly-headed creature with a pointy tongue that would make Gene Simmons turn clown white with envy. Time for some tongue-lashing retribution.

The Brainiac

Posing as a foreign dignitary, in human form he lures the descendants into flame-y deaths, which are preceded by Baron Von Fly Face sticking his 18-inch tongue out and sucking out the brains of his victims through the back of their necks. Then he sets fire to the surroundings, charring the evidence.

Brainiac

As the Baron he’s smooth, smokes cigarettes like they were medicine, eats those aforementioned unrefrigerated raw brains from an ornate bowl with a dessert spoon, and makes out with chicks – all with sparse dialogue. (Actions speak louder than words when it comes to smooth smooching.) He can also make his face brighten and darken, like an open/close sign on a tavern, which wide-eye hypnotizes his kills into standing still while he changes into the monster and sucks them dry.

The BrainiacBetter still is when the Baron, in creature form, breathes – his head expands and contracts like a paint-huffing paper bag. And his fingers turn into two claw-esque tubes that he softly clacks together as if pinching a marshmallow to death.

The BrainiacTwo detective are onto the clues and corner Baron Von Suck Suck. His fate, like shampooing and rinsing, repeats itself with the cops showing up with scuba tank sized flame throwers. The Brainiac is loaded with hilariously interpreted dialogue (“You are guilty of clumsy and illegal practices…”) and tension-less drama. But it’s the monster with the expanding and contracting head and that rock star quality tongue that makes this one a classic keeper.

Rappin’ Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Heist

Four street hustlers with a degree in rap plan to rob a small-town bank so they can afford a lifestyle befitting their hip-hop dreams. Too bad they picked the one town that, on a full moon, is overrun with blood-eating zombies. Yo, that’s whack.

Dead Heist

The robbery goes further south when the zombies converge on the financial institute, looking to make a withdrawal of interest-bearing neck chunks and high-yield blood loss. Additionally, the dialogue between the gangstas is priceless, full of colorful street colloquialisms like “Step off, b*tch!”, “That’s the game, b*tch!” and “Your top is comin’ off, b*tch!” Not surprising, given that almost the entire cast is a rap star.

Dead Heist

The zombies have their freak on and run after you like you just called their mother a ’ho. They gurgle a lot and have foggy eyes, but this brand of the undead – a result of a botched military experiment to fashion synthetic blood – only dies when you shoot ’em in the heart. So if you’re a rapper with a gun (and why wouldn’t you be?), forget the rule about popping a cap in their brains, because it just wouldn’t be dope, yo.

Dead Heist

Dead Heist (2007) flashes bank amounts of blood, a little neck chewin’, and some fresh zombie rhymes. I’m down wid’ it.

Must be The Season of the Witch

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Despite being made by John Carpenter, the same guy who did Halloween (1978) and Halloween II (1981), Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) has nothing to do with its predecessors. That’s good because there’s only so many sexually-active teens you can poke with a knife before it gets boring.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

A druid descendant, fronting as the silver head of Silver Shamrock Novelties™, makes full-head witch, pumpkin and skeleton Halloween masks. These popular items are embedded with a microchip made from pieces of Stonehenge™, and placed there by robots with nice hair. If you’re wearing the mask and watching TV at the specially-designated time, you’ll see the broadcast Halloween secret. And that secret is that it activates the microchip in your mask and your head implodes and turns into snakes and bugs. Oh, yeah – green stuff that used to be your brains also leaks out.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

An alcoholic doctor uncovers the plan and, with hottie Stacy Nelkin, tries to convince TV stations to not run the commercial so that kids all over the world won’t get the living room carpet dirty with particulate matter. Good luck with that.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

As cornball as it all is, Halloween III: Season of the Witch is a fair investment for your DVD rental coupons. Bonus: Once you hear Silver Shamrock’s “Happy, Happy Halloween” theme song used for the marketing of said kill masks, you won’t be able to get it out of your, uh, head.

Hospital Zombie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unrest

Corpses are like rotten apples – you never know what you’re gonna find when you slice open one. And like spoiled fruit, cadavers are filled with worms, stink fumes and black stuff. But what happens when you open the chest cavity of a body that was possessed by, say, evil? And what if the evil part isn’t too happy about its fleshy apartment being remodeled? You should know this without using your undissected brain pan.

Unrest

Some squeaky clean med students are given bodies that have yet to be claimed by Dracula or the nearest closest relative. They need to practice their cutlery skills before given a license to overcharge for it. A young woman’s corpse is brought in for boobular dissection. A chick doc-in-training – who looks like Britney Spears (but doesn’t lip-sync her dialogue) – senses something is terribly wrong with this sorta dead person. Her intuition is right on the noodle – evil emanates out of every nook and cranny and kills anyone that comes in contact with its personal space.

Unrest

Through the long and tedious plot (during which, the chick doc doesn’t take off her clothes), she uncovers the truth. Too late. Bodies and body parts start stacking up like McDonald’s Quarter Pounders™. Where it really gets fun is when two doctors go swimming in a big fish tank filled with formaldehyde containing bodies awaiting the gentle touch of the med student.

Unrest

Unrest (2006) isn’t scary, but it is icky, the way a spoiled mango is icky if left uneaten for, I don’t know, 103 days.