Bowling For Brains

In the grind-y gore gala Gutterballs (2008), two rival groups of swear-languaging teens battle each other on the after-hours bowling alley lanes for bragging rights. One hot chick, apparently allergic to underwear, gets violently violated by the guys on the other team, using their private parts and a bowling pin to prove their bowling skills.

Despite the brutally graphic encounter, everyone shows up the next night for a re-match. Team members include various sluts and a she-male. But in-between record-setting times for using the “F” word, everyone wanders off to have explicit sex with each other. This is done on the romantic bowling alley bathroom floor and anywhere else pants/panties can be liberated.

But someone – wearing a bowling bag for a mask and carrying sharpened bowling pins on a belt – is out for revenge. Two are forced to choke to death on each other’s genitals. (There’s a joke in there somewhere.) Another gets his face sheared off in the bowling ball polisher. And yet another gets the pointed end of bowling pin shoved up his alley.

Each time someone is killed, a strike shows up on the scoreboard. That’s pretty darn funny. A sicko-but-coolio twist towards the end picks up any plot spares left standing.

Gutterballs’ brake-less violence and wet gore is quite impressive for a low-budget flick, if you can get past the female/male rape-with-a-bowling pin scenes. For some reason, a guy getting a bowling ball dropped on his face didn’t bother me as much. I must be getting desensitized to America’s favorite past time.

A Wave of Aliens

Hate to use bowling alley language, but gosh dang those aliens. Every time you turn around, our so-called “space brothers” are trying to wipe out all life on Earth, then use our freshly destroyed planet for an intergalactic keggar. Such is the case for The 5th Wave, a sci-fi alien invasion flick due to invade movie screens on January 15, 2016.

Starring Chloë Grace Moretz as a survivor trying to save her little brother amidst the alien apocalypse, The 5th Wave refers to the stages of extraterrestrial extermination:

1st Wave – Unplug us so that we have no electricity with which to Tweet.

2nd Wave – Destroy our cities using once friendly tidal waves to flood us and make it so not even Uber can’t get you the flippin’ flap outta town.

3rd Wave – Infect us with an icky disease that can’t be cured with aspirin and beer.

4th Wave – A full-on “put it on the glass” alien invasion.

5th Wave – Take over the bodies/minds/pants of those left standing to mop up any straggling survivors. The b*tch here is that once the aliens get into someone’s head, you can’t tell ’em apart from any other Earth a-hole.

While my plot summation is far more detailed, here’s the official synopsis: “The 5th Wave: four waves of increasingly deadly attacks have left most of Earth decimated. Against a backdrop of fear and distrust, 16-year-old Cassie (Chloë Grace Moretz) is on the run, desperately trying to save her younger brother. As she prepares for the inevitable and lethal 5th wave, Cassie teams up with a young man who may become her final hope – if she can only trust him.”

I bet they smooch at some point. Hey, end of the world – might as well get in some booty action before aliens take that from us as well and make it their 6th Wave.

P.S. The 5th Wave is based on the popular young adult science fiction novel of the same name by Rick Yancey. I don’t read young adult science fiction, so like, couldn’t tell you if it was good or not. Maybe it has pictures.

Colorful Black and White Zombies

A military-made batch of experiment goo designed to make a super soldier ends up in some ice cream goo being served at a bowling alley. Once mixed with beer (it’s plausible – go with it), those who ingest the contaminated ice cream beer cones are turned into fully functional zombies with improved strength, glassy white eyes and severed body parts that continue to fully function.

Two hot chicks and their boyfriends become zombified. A military guy  shows up to explain their situation and is a zombie himself. Problem is, they don’t see themselves as the undead – but everybody else does. This makes them think everyone else is infected and not them. That’s bowling alley logic for you.

In their perspective everything’s in color, from glistening red cat blood all over one girl’s blouse), to the black shotgun hole in her boyfriend’s chest. To those not infected, everything’s in black and white and the kids are shambling zombies coming to eat skin hors d’oeuvres. And that’s just one of 27 clever and funny things about Aaah! Zombies!! (2007)

While the punchline sight gags keep the blood flowing, it’s the zombie bowling team that’ll split your gut. That, and the talking undead head in a bowling bag. Nice to finally see a zombie movie from the undead’s point of view, even if they put brains in a blender and drink it like a meal replacement shake.