Archive for Bounce™

Found Foot-age

Posted in Bigfoot, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot photo

A stunning photo of a hiker was captured on camera by Bigfoot, sending the Internet reeling. Taken in the Olympic National Forest in Washington State just 113 miles west of Seattle, this is the first time anyone has managed to get solid photographic evidence of the woods walker.

“I was down by the river,” says a visibly shaken Bigfoot. “I was taking care of my usual morning business – I eat a LOT of fiber – and heard noise on the trail behind me. I looked up and there he was – a hiker! I pulled out my cellphone and managed to snap a pic.

“It turned and looked right at me,” he continues. “I guess this gooned out both of us as he ran off, and I and jammed outta there pretty fast, too. He had a real off-putting odor – his clothes smelled like Bounce™.’

Bigfoot photo

Bigfoot came back the next morning and was able to get a picture of the hiker’s foot print, offering even more conclusive evidence. “Near as I could tell, he was wearing a size 10 North Face Chilkat Tech Boot,” says Bigfoot.

Despite the startling evidence, the scientific community remains skeptical, claiming that there simply aren’t enough 7-Eleven™ stores close enough by to provide a sustainable food source. But Bigfoot remains adamant. “I know what I saw,” he insists. “For years I heard the stories of hikers being seen all throughout the woods. Now I have proof.”

Bigfoot photo

Horror Hay

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , on January 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

The big question isn’t why the DYI Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows (2004) rips off every horror movie cliché known to man, but why I actually took the time away from drinking to watch it.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

You know the drill: someone gets murdered to death, then comes back to life as a scarecrow seeking revenge on the descendants of those that performed said injustice all those messy years ago. The only sex scene is so boring, I could’ve done it.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

When the scarecrow makes off with a chick, he stitches her mouth shut, cuts her open and slowly pulls out her guts, during which she’s still alive and moaning and rolling her head around. So much for loss of blood, shock, cardiac arrest, trauma, non-sterile environment, etc. And if you didn’t see it coming, he stuffs her with some sort of straw-like material, possible hay. But not Hollywood hay, the cheap, low-grade grassy stuff.

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrows

Everyone either overacts their part or botches their lines. And even though it’s been hanging out in a field for decades, the scarecrow’s fabric headwear is so clean as to smell like Bounce™. They need to quit making movies like this – and I need to quit watching ’em.