Archive for Botox

LOL Horror & Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snarling

Three new horror hopeful hits headed in this general direction. There’s probably more movies coming out, but I need to spend the day combing my hair YET AGAIN, so three is all you get from me on this 23rd day of the third month of the year 2016.

First up is The Snarling. Cool title. It could be in reference to anything from a werewolf or mad raccoon, to a bitter bear or my neighbor lady whose facial muscles are botoxed to the point she looks like her stretched skin is gonna pop.

Anyway, here’s the skinny on The Snarling, already screened in the U.K., but not here. I don’t know why: “When a cursed new horror film is being made in their village, locals Les, Mike and Bob see their chance to cash in and get famous. As the local Detective Inspector and his hapless sergeant Haskins eventually trace a link in recent bloody mutilations to the film, the race is on to stop the killings before our local heroes get caught up in the real blood and guts.”

Bloody mutilations is an oxymoron.

First Man on Mars

Next up is First Man on Mars, a spoof on The Martian (2015). In this one the send a guy to Mars, but he comes back infected with space gunk, turning him into a “crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh.”

Here’s the splashdown on First Man on Mars (release pending 2016): “In 2003 billionaire astronaut Eli Cologne began his journey through space to become the first man on Mars, but something went horribly wrong. The space craft crashed undetected in a remote part of Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina, and he’s been hunting both human and animal prey in the swamps for years. For small town sheriff Dick Ruffman, it’s a race against time to find the man-turned-monster before he kills again in this horrifying and hilarious satire of low budget drive-in grindhouse creature features from the 1970s.”

Crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh is an oxymoron.

Australiens

Lastly, the brilliantly punned Australiens (releasing June 14, 2016) is a comedic take on an alien invasion set in the Land of Roo: “An extraterrestrial armada launches a nationwide assault on Australia. Seems the other nations of the world are far too insulted by their exclusion from the attack to come to Australia’s aid. Car-chasing spaceships, martial-arts aliens, giant killer robots and more.”

Australia doesn’t need our help – they have tasty beers. And you can never lose when you have tasty beers.

Roly Poly Snakeheads

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , on June 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakehead Terror

Had they known people chewing  snakehead fish were still in existence, the small town citizens living around the popular Cultus Lake probably wouldn’t have gone swimming/peeing in it.

Snakehead Terror

Thanks to human growth hormones the local coroner has been dumping into the lake, the snakeheads have been growing and reproducing at an alarming rate. This is what caused all the regularhead fish to disappear. The snakeheads can crawl out of the water on their front dorsals and live on land for up to several hours before they dry out. (I’m the same way if I don’t find a tavern within two hours.) Since they’re ravenously hungry, humans seem a suitable side dish.

Snakehead Terror

A call to the sheriff and his response gives you an idea of the high-quality level of this film: Deputy: “We found a dead body.” Sheriff: “What kind of dead body?” The sheriff wants to close down the lake. The mayor doesn’t want him to do that as the lucrative fishing season is about to start and they need the tourist dollars.

Snakehead Terror

 

A supermodel Game & Wildlife agent, so shot up with Botox™ she looks like a snakehead fish, shows up to add to the problem. Meanwhile, people are getting eaten in a manner befitting a nameless renegade 30-foot shark. The coroner thinks its a crocodile. The fish are the size of crocodiles and are just as vicious, though.

Snakehead Terror

While Snakehead Terror (2004) had some chuckle  moments (a head floating in the water, arms, legs, torsos turned into meat pies), I have several questions. Since when does a small town need to employ a full-time coroner? More importantly, why didn’t the sheriff’s 17 year-old daughter wear a micro-bikini to distract the snakeheads so they could be shot? I hope these questions will be answered in the sequel, because this floundering flick doesn’t otherwise work for me.