Archive for Borneo

Long Live The King

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

King Kong Lives

At the end of the 1976 remake of King Kong, our fuzzy yet misunderstood hero, is air-conditioned by military gunfire and falls 110 stories off the top of the World Trade Center to his fate, which would be the sidewalk. The end. Or is it?

King Kong Lives

In King Kong Lives (1986) they somehow managed to get Kong’s still leaking body on a truck and transported to a Georgia medical facility. Long way to go (921.1 miles) while Triple AAA-ing a giant dying ape. It’s there they’ve been keeping Kong alive. Not building-crushing alive, more like “scratching your balls in your sleep” alive. And they’ve been doing this for 10 years!

King Kong Lives

Dr. Amy Franklin, Kong’s PCP, comes to the inevitable conclusion that the King needs a heart transplant OR HE’LL DIE. Um, isn’t that what we spent so much money trying to make Kong do when he was wrecking stuff all those years ago? Fortunately, somebody financed an artificial heart, the very same one hanging from a non-sterile crane out in the parking lot.

King Kong Lives

Kong needs blood, though, in order to facilitate this monster-heart operation. But where in the stinkin’ heck are they gonna find… Wait, someone found a compatible donor! She lives in Borneo, has really hairy boobs and is the size of three coconut trees built on top of each other. And her name is…QUEEN KONG.

King Kong Lives

Once they finish the operation and sew him back up, love is in the air. So Kong and Queen bust out and head for a place called Honeymoon Hills (I’m totally not making that up, although I wish I had) to engage in some super-sized hot monkey love. That’s really hard to watch without throwing up in someone’s mouth.

King Kong Lives

Once the military learns Kong is on the loose, they reload their guns and go after the large lovers. Nice time for Kong’s pacemaker battery to start to run low. At least he got in a little primate’n before the Army starts shootin’ at the walls of heartache bang, bang.

King Kong Lives

Several serious questions: Who besides me came up with the idea for this sequel? How come I wasn’t asked to star in it? Hollywood seems hell-bent in testing my patience.

Flower Snakes

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

A corporate team of venture researchers need to get into the heart of Borneo to procure a rare flower – the Blood Orchid – that only blooms once every seven years. Cool name, Blood Orchid. I’d have called it a Punch You In The Face flower, but I’m all about marketing.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

Tests on an earlier retrieved sample indicate it’s the botanical version of the Fountain of Youth. (Note to filmakers: Budweiser™ achieves the same results and is way easier to find). Time is running out as the flower only stays in bloom for one more week. Roooaaad triiippp!

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

And to make things more interesting than the find-n-seek flower, there are giant anaconda snakes everywhere. Seems it’s mating season and the male snakes are on the hunt for the one female skank snake that’ll do it with all of them. Aren’t we all.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

Anacondas continue to grow right up until they die. Since the Blood Orchid is part of their diet, they live considerably longer, and by extension (sorry) grow considerably longer, about 40 feet to be exact. Because the super flower could be worth billions plus millions, greed intercedes and double-crossing ensues.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

The flowers bloom on the other side of a huge pit where a massive snake sex knot is happening. It looked like a giant bowl of spaghetti gettin’ it on. Hey, what happens in Borneo, stays in Borneo. To reach the flowers, someone has to go across a wet tree that has fallen across the pit. This is what we in the industry call “letting the good times roll.”

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

As giant snake movies go, Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid (2004) stands out. Then again, I can’t remember any other giant snake movies that don’t suck. Ahem.