Archive for Blair Witch

Curse of the Unseen Ultimate Evil Ghost

Posted in Asian Horror, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wailing

How come Hollywood isn’t paying me to post all this e-barfing about their horror movies? It’s at least worth minimum wage. And would it kill them to throw in a few paid personal days off? Don’t tell me they can’t afford it; I’ve seen movie stars wearing clean clothes all the time, so somebody’s making big cake.

Anyway, five new ones THAT I’M NOT GETTING PAID TO ADVERTISE. Pffft.

THE WAILING (November 25, 2016)
“Out of his depth, local police officer Jong-goo investigates a spate of killings, as well as an outbreak of madness seemingly connected to the recent arrival of a mysterious Japanese man who resides in the outskirts of the village. What’s more, he’s horrified to discover his young daughter may have fallen under the stranger’s curse and must confront the ultimate evil.”

The ultimate evil. Pffft. That line is used in almost every lazily-written horror movie press release. You don’t know what the ultimate evil is until you’ve been in the men’s bathroom at the Maharajah in West Seattle. To say it’s a portal to Hell is being complimentary. The sink faucets should be dispensing holy water.

Beacon Point

BEACON POINT 92017)
“Zoe joins a small group of inexperienced hikers for an adventure of a lifetime, exploring the Appalachian Trail. After a gruesome discovery they become lost deep in the mountains. The adventure spins out of control when they’re terrorized at their campsite by an unseen force.”

My gut tells me the “unseen force” is either an invisible bear or that stupid Blair Witch. Pffft – she’s about as scary as a stylishly-camouflaged Bigfoot.

Plotergeist Encounters

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime: stay one night in a potentially haunted house for a large sum of money. What could possibly go wrong?”

Pffft – That scenario’s been used since 1959’s House on Haunted Hill. For an excellent “spend the night in a haunted house” movie (in addition to HoHH), give The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) some earnest couch time. A modern grindhouse classic.

The Terrible Two

THE TERRIBLE TWO (2017)
Albert and Rose Poe approach the first anniversary of the death of their daughters, Addi and Jade. As the day comes and goes, Rose continues to struggle to come to grips with the loss of her only children. She begins hearing the girls’ voices throughout the house. Soon Albert and Rose find themselves prisoners of their precious little girls in the safety of their own home.”

Did they just give away the plot? Thanks for nothing, lazy press release writer. Pffft – it’s probably the ultimate evil masquerading as the little girls.

A Cure For Wellness

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (February 17, 2017)
“An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from a mysterious ‘wellness center’ at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.”

Pffft – what secret? Clearly, the miraculous treatment is booze.

P.S. Pffft.

The Horror of New Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

New Horror

Four new ones to fill your 2016 fall horror movie e-calendar: Rings (milking to the point of chafing the tired Japanese franchise), The House on Pine Street (yet another haunted house movie jumping on the bandwagon), The Blair Witch (a re-boot to a rip-off of a horror movie that never should have been made in the first place), and The Neighbour (yet another generically titled slasher flick).

Do you think me wicked for snarking on these movies before they’re even released? You should. But having seen more horror movies than the average viewer since birth, I’ve watched how lazy filmmakers have become (new faces, same plots) and how greedy they remain (re-boots = cash money bling dollaz).

So yeah – here are each movie’s plops, uh, plots. Take a read and feel free to tell me I’m wrong…

Rings

RINGS (releasing October 28, 2016)
“A new chapter in the beloved Ring horror franchise. A young woman becomes worried about her boyfriend when he explores a dark subculture surrounding a mysterious videotape said to kill the watcher seven days after he has viewed it. She sacrifices herself to save her boyfriend and in doing so makes a horrifying discovery: there is a “movie within the movie” that no one has ever seen before.”
Note: We’ve seen this before. About three times.

The House on Pine Street

THE HOUSE ON PINE STREET (releasing September 20, 2016)
Jennifer is seven months pregnant and reluctantly returning to her hometown in Kansas, after an unexpected mental breakdown. Coping with her fears of motherhood, a strained relationship with her husband and the overbearing presence of her own mother, Jennifer struggles to regain control of her life. But when strange things start happening in their new rental home, Jennifer begins to fear that it may be haunted. Alone in her convictions, Jennifer is forced to question her sanity as she attempts to find out what, if anything, is plaguing the house.”
Note: This scenario has been done so many times, why don’t they put a spin on it and make the husband pregnant? If not scary, at least funny.

Blair Witch

BLAIR WITCH (releasing September 16, 2016)
“A group of college students venture into the Black Hills Forest in Maryland to uncover the mysteries surrounding the disappearance of James’ sister who many believe is connected to the legend of the Blair Witch. At first the group is hopeful, especially when a pair of locals offer to act as guides through the dark and winding woods, but as the endless night wears on, the group is visited by a menacing presence. Slowly, they begin to realize the legend is all too real and more sinister than they could have imagined.”
Note: If you saw The Blair Witch Project back in 1999, prepare to pay to see it again. Don’t believe me? Watch the trailer – same movie.)

The Neighbour

THE NEIGHBOUR (releasing September 6, 2016)
“In the small town of Cutter, Mississippi, army veteran John and his wife Rosie live on a run-down ranch, dreaming of one day escaping to Mexico. On the day they plan to finally leave, Rosie disappears. John thinks his mysterious neighbour Troy, might have something to do with it, and breaks into his house that night and discovers a secret far more sinister than he could ever imagine.”
Note: Why pay to see this when you can get it for free on the news every other night? I bet they took the plot from the news. The news should sue them.