Archive for biologist

Tropical Shark = Hawaiian Crunch

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Up From The Depths

“There are no sharks in the Hawaiian archipelago!,” screams a tropical hotel resort manager as his guests are being systematically eaten by a shark.

But it’s not just any shark — this tourist trapper is a prehistoric shark, theorized to be let loose by an underwater earthquake. So believes the sea biologist, who later provides Up From The Depths’ (1979) funniest moment. Besides all the other ones, that is.

Up From The Depths

Boaters, swimmers, divers and dumbasses are being attacked by said prehistoric predator, which isn’t much bigger than Jaws’ cousin’s neighbor’s BFF. One second you’re there, the next, nothing but red, foamy bubbles. After a broad daylight attack, everybody leaves the water and runs back and forth on the beach, screaming and knocking over stuff. Then night falls. And the tourists are still screaming and running back and forth, knocking down stuff.

Up From The Depths

A reward for the monster is offered: a case of island rum. And to sweeten the pot (as if it was needed), the hotel manager throws in $1,000 bucks and a stay in the presidential suite. Well, dang — somebody hand me a spear!

Up From The Depths

The shark makes blurry cameos and his meals are about as graphic as watching somebody sloppily eating tomato soup. The aforementioned hilarity includes three drunk guys on a boat prepping a blow torch to go after the shark. (Flames under water — why didn’t I think of that?) They end up turning their pleasure craft into a roaring campfire.

Up From The Depths

But the best LOL moment comes when the sea biologist barely makes it back aboard the boat after being attacked by the shark. In order to lure the beast out into the open, they tie a line around him, who just died from his injuries, and toss him into the drink. Then they tow his body back and forth in front of the hotel in front of the still screaming guests. What some people won’t do for rum.

Up From The Depths

Plastic explosives are found, words were said, shark goes boom, all without actually seeing barely more than a dorsal fin and an occasional toothy smile. (Hawaiian sharks, like the islanders, are so pleasant.)

If you’re looking for one of the worst Jaws (1978) knock-offs ever made, you just found it.

The Claw Is Family

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crawdaddy

I’ve eaten crawdads. I’ve eaten lobster. Crawdads are harder to eat as you first need to “pinch the tail and suck the head.” (Sounds like what a 1-800 escort is paid to do.) Lobster is preferable as all you have to do is crack the shell and shove the sweet meat into your mouth. OK, that didn’t sound right.

Regardless, two distantly related shellfish that deserve rental space in your tract. But what if they were movies instead of breakfast? Such is the case with Crawdaddy, an in-production sci-fi tongue-in-cheeker about a genetically altered (i.e., colossal) crawdad seeking revenge. The other, of course, is Ebirah, the giant teabag lobster that had a less-than-rewarding bout with Godzilla in the 1966 semi-classic, Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (aka, Godzilla, Ebirah, Mothra: Big Duel in the South Seas and Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster).

Ebirah

But the shell of it all is that Crawdaddy looks to be another SyFy Channel™ schlobster fest. All they seem to be doing is super-sizing another entree, backdropping it in a formulaic revenge agenda, and calling it a day. Ebirah, though limited in screen time, was not a digital creation (he was born in the primordial crab boil known as the ocean). Ebby really threw his claw into his performance and not let himself become just another notch on Godzilla’s victory bib. Who needed drawn butter when the action was so tasty?

Here’s what to expect with Crawdaddy

Deep in the forest on Clear Lake, an experiment has gone terribly wrong. People are being systematically killed by an unforeseen danger. Among the survivors, including the biologist and sheriff, are three teenage ex-gang members, an Eagle Scout, a beautiful teenage blind girl, a Katrina transplant, and a hermit scientist.

Crawfish Boil

Holding out at the scientist’s shack, they fight for their lives against the packs of dog-sized crawdads. The scientist reveals his involvement in creating genetically modified super-fish, which were eaten by the crawdad population at the lake, causing them to grow. It wasn’t until the last few days that they became aggressive. Just when the group thinks they’ve succeeded, the king of them all… Crawdaddy…has come to seek revenge for the killing of its spawn.

Ouch. This may be the first time a movie could give you ciguatera poisoning.

This Shark Is The Bomb

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Atomic Shark

It used to be we were justifiably afraid of sharks, what with their emotionless biting off of limbs and/or employable extremities. Now that our ferocious friends of the foamy sea have been tornado’d, tomato’d, super-sized and mechanized, the continuously-mocked apex predator has been relegated to a one punch line cinematic joke. Shame on everyone except me.

And the knee-slapping continues with the impending Atomic Shark (coming 2014), wherein a terrorist and a biologist devise a device that makes great white sharks attack a variety of anything. As if sharks ever need an excuse to chew you out.

To add some padding to the plot, criminal humans attach bombs to the sharks, kinda like what the Navy’s been doing with delicious dolphins for decades now. The terrorist’s target? A nuclear sub that, once bitten by a shark that thinks it’s a heavy metal hot dog, would explode and smear everyone except me in a cloud of radioactive hair product.

I’ll say this about Atomic Shark, though – at least they didn’t turn the hapless eating machine into a comedy act hybrid, ala Sand Sharks, Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, Snow Shark, Psycho Shark, Avalanche Sharks, etc., etc., etc. Why can’t we pick on oysters for a change?

The Atomic Sharks

P.S. Do not confuse this movie with The Atomic Sharks, the educational kid’s music  ukulele duo comprised of Kris Hensler and Kenny Taylor, both of whom still have employable extremities.