Eight Legged Cash Machines

Not since Charlotte’s Web (1973) have we seen such a resurgence in the popularity of spiders gone wild horror/sci-fi movies. So much so, in box office terms, spiders are the new sharks.

With the release of Arachnicide on May 10, 2016, our creepy crawly bite-y friends add another light bulb in the Hollywood marquee that has given us Eight Legged Freaks (2002), Ice Spiders (2007), Camel Spiders (2011), Arachnoquake (2012), Big Ass Spider! (2013), and Lavalantula (2015) but to name a few. Sharknado & Co. might wanna up their game.

So why are spider movies so bankable? For starters, more people have been bitten by spiders than sharks. There’s 100% chance that you have a spider – or spiders – in your house at this very moment. And it’s highly probable you have spider eggs in your ears about to hatch.

That pretty much scientifically validated, Arachnicide goes like this…

“After years of experimenting, a researcher succeeds in creating an incubator that accelerates plant and animal growth. This technology is controlled by a powerful criminal organization and is being used to accelerate the growth of plants needed for the manufacture of narcotics and illegal drugs. To counter this criminal organization and destroy the laboratories they operate, the United Nations put together an elite team of operatives.”

“The L9 Commando is a task force composed of six of the best soldiers from different Special Forces Units. After successfully taking down the drug operation, the L9 Commandos are called on for an important mission that brings them to Albania, where they discover a sinister plan that could destroy everything. Arachnicide or die!”

Okay, so the plot is total junior high. But hey, I’d rather see spiders on the big screen than in my snack drawer or inside your ear.

Big Ass Lava Spiders

Lavalantula (2014), a new sci-fi SyFy™Channel offering about giant tarantulas erupting from of volcanoes, could very well land in the Seven Wonders of the World™ ranking, right up there with Beer, Boobies, Waffles and Godzilla. (I forget the other two, but you can totally bet they are true wonders.)

Directed by Mike Mendez, the guy who did Big Ass Spider (2013), Lavalantula, looking to do a Sharknado (2013) cash in, has a tried ‘n true plot: “Lavalantulas attack Los Angeles.” F-ing brilliant!

While we’re waiting, check out another buzz word titled horror movie, The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill (2014). While I thought we all agreed to quit using “paranormal” in their titles, PDC begins in 1963 (pre-hippie period) with a black mass (church service with a really big collection plate) in Clophill, Bedfordshire by a coven of dark witches. Animal sacrifices, blood, necromancy, waffle mutilation… Scary stuff, for sure.

A documentary film team (indicating this is another one of those wretched found footage flicks) is assembled to investigate the legend of the Clophill witches and to try and uncover the truth behind the paranormal events. “What followed during that long weekend at Clophill was a terrifying journey into the unknown.”

Problem with movies like this is the “journey into the unknown” is already known as it’s been done over and over every since that highly insulting Blair Witch Project, which started the annoying “found footage” sub-genre back in 1999. Then again, horror movies aren’t usually known for originality.

Me? I’m sticking with lava spiders, beer and boobies. And waffles when no boobies are available.