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3-Headed Shark Attack

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

3-Headed Shark Attack

In the beginning here was Jaws (1975), a shark with but one head to bite you in half.

Then came 2-Headed Shark Attack in 2012. It was fake-y looking and appeared to be more of a stuffed animal than a twice-fold apex predator. It bit vacationing college students in half.

2-Headed Shark Attack

Now comes 3-Headed Shark Attack (July 11, 2015) with three times the appetite, looking to bite a bigger share of the ratings. The plot is your basic “line ’em up and chomp ”em down” scenario: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark threatens a cruise ship. As the shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.”

3-Headed Shark Attack

Ugh. I could be in a shark’s belly for a week, crapped out onto a polluted beach, my gushy remains pecked at by seagulls, and still come up with a better plot than that. But hey, if a three-headed shark, which admittedly looks kinda cool, isn’t enough to sink yer boat, the “movie” also stars genre king Danny Trejo and pro-wrestling legend Mr. Monday Night – Rob Van Dam.

3-Headed Shark Attack

Wonder how 3-Headed Shark Attack would stand up against Japan’s Double-Headed Jaws (2012)? (Note: I think Double-Headed Jaws is the Japanese release of 2-Headed Shark Attack. Crappy movie, but way better title.)

Double-Headed Jaws

Even though a shark with any amount of heads could bite me in half, I’m really starting to feel sorry for what pop culture/Hollywood/you are doing to them.

Spring Break Shark Attack: Where’s The Reef?

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , on May 1, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spring Break Shark Attack

Spring Break Shark Attack’s (2005) title outlines the entire “plot.” Teens. Spring Break. Sharks. Attacking. Yep, that about sums it up.

Spring Break Shark Attack

Rubber sharks swarm to a popular Florida spring break beach, attracted by methodic chumming of the area by a rival club owner two miles up the beach. His club used to be THE place to go to do Jell-O™ shots, partake in wet T-shirt contests and dance poorly to mindless hip-hop music. But every since an artificial reef was constructed to attract scuba divers willing to shell out a lotta clams (sorry) to dive there, the club owner faces bankruptcy.

Spring Break Shark Attack

Where there’s a beach, there’s drunk college douche bags ready to throw up on it. The sharks swarm in by the dozens and casually pick at their food, a sinking party raft loaded with 40 or so snacks. Yes, there’s a mindless sub-plot involving boy-girl drama, but all that does is fill up time between mouthfuls.

Spring Break Shark Attack

My only complaint besides EVERYTHING is that when the sharks do their whole feeding frenzy bit, they almost act bored. The teens scream like something was biting them, but the sharks just float there, barely phoning it in. (One even looked asleep.)

Someone better get sharks that are motivated to make with the chew chew if they expect me to sit through the sequel.

Spring Break Shark Attack