Archive for bats

A Circus Full of Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Circus

In Vampire Circus (1972), the caged panthers are people and the people are vampires. But not the monkeys. The monkeys are just plain monkeys. Too bad – monkey vampires would be pretty cool, I think.

Vampire Circus

But there’s a reason the entertaining Circus of the Night came to the plague-infested Austrian village of Stetl during the 19th Century. It was to exact revenge on the jittery townsfolk who, fifteen years earlier, assassinated Count Mitterhaus to death. The Count didn’t count on the villagers having enough strudel to serve him up a nice juicy stake for sucking the youth juice out the town’s kids and rubbing the bare boobies of both married and unmarried lady folk.

Vampire Circus

Turns out Mitterhaus has a cousin Emil who is the featured attraction in the aforementioned traveling circus. Before he chokes on the stake, he instructs his naked lady friend to find Emil to bring him back to life. Oh, and he manages to curse the village with the aforementioned plague because he’s kind of a dick.

Vampire Circus

Too prevent the germs from germinating the Germans, a blockade keeps the villagers from sneezing their way out of town. Yet somehow the circus gets in and the fun begins. First night of the show Emil – in panther form – transforms from animal to human. This mesmerizes the groin of the Bürgermeister’s young virginal daughter, who gives it up smooth to Emil in the panther cage after the show. And he didn’t even have to loosen her up with some sweet and refreshing Steinlager™.

Vampire Circus

The villagers are sucked on by the circus performers, who can even turn into bats, which I felt was pretty neat. But the goal from the get go was to resurrect Mitterhaus and his need to bleed those uppity townies.

Vampire Circus

There are six boobies, two of which are painted green with tiger stripes. Lots of neck chewing with blood so red, it would make ketchup jealous. Then there’s some head chopping, because vampires occasionally deserve that kind of treatment. As cool as that all is, monkey vampires would’ve really taken this thing all the way to the Big Top.

Bats vs. Humans

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bats: Human Harvest

Bats: Human Harvest (2007). Suckered yet again by a craptacular movie with an intriguing title. This “sequel” finds the U.S. Army being tasked with finding an AWOL scientist in the Chechen Rebel-controlled Russian forest of Belzan. It doesn’t look like Belzan, rather upstate Vermont during raking season.

Bats: Human Harvest

The scientist managed to turn local bats into flesh-eaters to keep people from capturing him. A Russian-born supermodel CIA agent is in charge of leading a military special ops team into the batty forest. How she does this without taking her shirt off is a glaring plot discrepancy.

Bats: Human Harvest The bats look like crows with pointy wings and they’re supposed to rip flesh as if made of one-ply toilet paper. Yeah, that didn’t happen. The plot stalls on the runway five minutes in. There’s no suspense or graphic scenes of nature-gone-wild. A bomb ends the bat problem and the movie.

Bats: Human Harvest

I could’ve scratched my butt for 90 minutes and had more satisfying entertainment than this guano. But thanks to Gold Bond™ medicated powder (or “talcum in the middle”) that is no longer an option.

Finding Fantastic Beasts

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is a return to the universe of Harry Potter by creator/mega-billionaire J.K. Rowling. It started out a book in 2001, but because of Rowling’s history of turning anti-Christian sentiments into box office gold (good for her), it’s to be a movie as well, due out in November of 2016. Why they’re plugging it now (December, 2015 – 11 months before it comes out – obviously means they need time to license premium toy tie-ins. (One can never have too much money.)

Still, as cool as the concept seems, it feels like a half-baked crossover. Then again, I didn’t read the book as I gave up reading once TV was invented. And hey, if I wanna find a fantastic beast, all I have to do is look in a mirror. Heh.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

But we’ve already seen a pile of mythical monsters in the Harry Potter movies – a giant three-headed dog that takes craps the size of giant spiders; Giant spiders that talk and eat human meatloaf; A parrot that bursts into flames like a defective bottle rocket; Centaurs that cover the forest floor with recycled apples; Bulimic werewolves with 3% body fat who binge and purge every full moon; Dragons (aka, flying BBQs); Bird/horse hybrids that chow down on raw ferret as if woodland sushi; Mail-carrying owls (delivering late as to emulate real postal service); Talking snakes (they pronounce “s’’’s really well); And 15-foot trolls with I.Qs around that of your average movie blogger. So what else could they possibly bring to the table?

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Glad you asked. Here’s a few fantastic beast copyright worthy ideas: Ghost Monkeys – they fling zoo poo at you and then disappear, much to the delight of everyone not covered in you know what. Land Crabs that cause itching that can’t be stopped, even with generously applied pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxides. Sea Bats that look like seagulls – they steal your french fries and peck your neck. Giant turtles that shoot flames out their… Oh, wait – that one’s been done.

J.K. Rowling – please contact me for licensing rights. Bring your 10-ton checkbook.