Batty For Batwoman, Debt Demon, Classy Slashy

Coming this Fall, CW™ is finally giving us Batwoman (not Batgirl, as erroneously reported October, 2018), starring the inhumanely gorgeous Ruby Rose as the kick ass crime crusher. And when she’s not punching it as Batwoman, Kate Kane (her secret identity), rides around on a motorcycle, has tattoos, wears a leather jacket and a Ramones t-shirt. I wish to hug her.

Here’s what’s about to go down: “Armed with a passion for social justice and a flair for speaking her mind, Kate Kane soars onto the streets of Gotham as Batwoman, an out lesbian and highly-trained street fighter primed to snuff out the failing city’s criminal resurgence. But don’t call her a hero yet. In a city desperate for a savior, Kate must overcome her own demons before embracing the call to be Gotham’s symbol of hope.”

There’s a three-minute trailer for Batwoman, which you need to see. Before you do that, here are a few now available/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as a highly-trained street fighter gal wearing a Ramones shirt…

13 SOULS (available now)
“An evil creature created from the souls of coal miners killed in a mining massacre, takes revenge on a small town every 50 years. His mission is to collect ‘13 souls to pay the debt.’”

There are lots of horror movies about coal mines — you just have to tunnel for ‘em. Heh. For a good throwback coal mine horror flick, give My Bloody Valentine a spin. The 1981 version, not the full-of-holes 2009 remake.

NUN’S DEADLY CONFESSION (available now)
“Dr. Morten Holst is a psychiatrist who struggles with as many problems, if not more, as his wide range of unique patients. A detective finds himself in a threatening situation when he gets caught in the doctor’s game while unraveling a mysterious case.”

The cover art is as confusing as the plot. And that nun doesn’t look very holy. God’s probably gonna give her the frowning of a lifetime.

STRAWBERRY FLAVORED PLASTIC (available now)
“A sensational, sentimental, and philosophical horror neo-noir that follows the still-at-large crimes of Noel, a repentant, classy and charming serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

There’s a bunch of words that don’t belong in this plot blurb. I can fix it for them — take everything out and just say, “serial killer loose in the suburbs of New York.”

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS (July 23, 2019)
“Serial killer Peter Harris, aka ‘The Doll Maker,’ returns to his ancestral family estate after being released from the state hospital for the criminally insane after 20 years – a ‘cured’ man. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and visitations from past victims shake Peter’s resolve, but it isn’t until the lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that rekindles old desires that always have ended in murder.”

Don’t’ confuse this Rock, Paper, Scissors with the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2012, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2018, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2007, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out in 2013, or the Rock, Paper, Scissors that came out earlier in 2019.

Giant Monster Punchfest, Superhero Jamboree, UFO Boy

The latest key art for Godzilla, King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019) is almost as cool as the new trailer, which features all the kaiju monsters knocking over cities as if said cities were made of cement Legos™. (The bottom art was expertly done by art phenom Christopher Shy and you can actually buy it. Do so — today, if possible.)

So it’s to be a Battle Royale between Godzilla, King Ghidorah, Mothra and Rodan. The cards are already stacked against Godzilla’s foes, however. Hey, if your name is the title of the movie…

While we impatiently wait to see giant monsters violate each other’s bathing suit area, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/superhero movies that may or may not feel like a punch in the groin…

US (March, 2019)
“A mother and a father take their kids to their beach house expecting to unplug and unwind with friends. But as night descends, their serenity turns to tension and chaos when some shocking visitors arrive uninvited.”

I bet the uninvited shocking visitors are electric eels. That, or some drunk frat boys. Got my money on the eels, though. Makes sense as it’s a beach house and electric eels — who are naturally shocking — hang out at the beach, like, daily.

SHAZAM! (April 5, 2019)
“Billy Batson is a streetwise 14-year-old who can magically transform into the adult superhero Shazam simply by shouting out one word. His newfound powers soon get put to the test when he squares off against the evil Dr. Thaddeus Sivana.”

YET ANOTHER superhero movie. Gotta say, the trailer, though, is pretty dang funny. With Shazam, Venom, Captain Marvel, The Wasp, Aquaman and Batgirl all being added to the superhero locker room, the pool is getting a bit crowded.

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (April 26, 2019)
“In the aftermath of Thanos wiping out half of all life in the Universe, the remaining Avengers must do what’s necessary to undo the mad titan’s deed.”

Didn’t nearly all of the Avengers die in the last movie? And as for Thanos wiping out half of all life — what’s wrong with the other half?

BRIGHTBURN (May 24, 2019)
“What if a child from another world crash-landed on Earth, but instead of becoming a hero to mankind, he proved to be something far more sinister? A startling, subversive take on a radical new genre: superhero horror.”

Superhero horror. Pretty sure that was already done with Venom and Spawn and Ghost Rider.

A Slew of Superheroes, Devil Sex, Heavy Metal Babysitters

The ratings winning CW Network is heavily pushing Elseworlds, a crossover event that takes place on December 9, 2018 on The Flash, continuing on December 10, 2018 on Arrow (as in Green Arrow), and concluding on December 11, 2018 on Supergirl. I know what I’ll be doing for three days in December.

This one’s gonna be epic as it finally introduces Lois Lane (Superman’s “friends with benefits”), Batgirl (insert excited slobbering here), and the returning John Wesley Shipp, who played Jay Garrick in The Flash as a multiverse speedster. He seems nice.

Here’s the upsell: The Flash and Arrow switch pants. Then they change their clothes again — as does Superman — to all black. (I’ve been doing that for years.) And just when you think it could be any more mind-bending, John Wesley Shipp appears as The Flash in his old costume from when he played the Flash back in the 1990 TV series and will be called Barry Allen. My mind is a fried egg right now.

In the new Flash series, Shipp played Henry Allen, Barry’s dad, and was killed by Flash nemesis, Zoom. (Weird to have a metahuman named after a breakfast cereal.) Now he’s back to play the Flash like he did before his hair turned grey.

There’s lots more happening in Elseworlds, so don’t think of any of this as spoilers, but rather Fritos™ and bean dip before the big dinner. But before you go to the store to stock up on Fritos™ and bean dip, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you grey hair…

LUCIFERINA (November 20, 2018/DVD | December 4, 2018 / Digital HD)
“Natalia is a 19-year-old who reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. But when she meets up with her sister and her friends, she decides instead to travel the jungle in search of a mystical plant. Instead of pleasure, they find a world of Black Masses, strange pregnancies, bloody deaths and perhaps, a sexually violent clash with the Devil himself.”

A sexually violent clash with the Devil. That’s a lot to unpack. Think this one came out last March, 2108 in some country that is foreign to me. But hey, Devil sex, magic plants, black masses — no doubt you could find those things in any civilized country/bowling alley.

GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD (2018/2019)
A small town comes under the thumb of Martha, a vengeful ghost who returns to haunt the children who witnessed her death during a game of Ghost in the Graveyard in their youth. Long blamed for the accident, Sally Sullivan must figure out why Martha has returned and how to get her to rest in peace for good. As the mystery of her return unravels, deep secrets are revealed that will have consequences for everyone involved.”

Back from the dead, revenge, murder, blah, blah, bah. This premise is so overdone, it’s like dry meatloaf — and there’s not enough ketchup in the world to make it taste any better. For a slightly better version, try Darkness Falls (2003). That one has a teen in it.

SHED OF THE DEAD (2019)
Trevor is between jobs. He spends his days avoiding his nagging wife by hiding out in his allotment shed and painting figurines for his war-games with his agoraphobic friend, Graham, and dreaming of his heroic alter-ego, the battle mage Casimir the Destroyer. When Mr. Parsons, one of the other allotment tenants, petitions to have Trevor removed from his disgrace of a plot (he’s not there to grow stuff!) an argument ensues that leaves Trevor with a corpse to hide. Unfortunately, this untimely accident coincides with the zombie apocalypse and Mr Parsons’ return is just the beginnings of Trevor’s problems. More pressing is whether or not he should try and save his wife and her beautiful best friend, who both he and Graham have a thing for.

Yeow, what a hot mess of a plot. Only thing missing is dry meatloaf.

BABYSITTER MASSACRE: HEAVY METAL (in production)
“Billy Dragg breaks things off with his girlfriend and subsequently goes on a murder spree. But is he in control, or is the ghost of Viper, a dead heavy metal superstar, influencing Billy’s actions?”

Push in your stool — this will take a minute. The guy who brought us 2013’s Babysitter Massacre is not done massacring temp rental guardians. Babysitter Massacre II: Slay Bells takes place around Christmas, a few weeks after the first movie. Then follows Babysitter Massacre III: Overnight, starring a different slasher. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, hence Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal. These were all funded by Kickstarter™, so don’t expect a lot of different knives or clothes. Not sure what a ghost of a heavy metal superstar has to do with changing diapers, but hey, might as well come at it with that fabled open mind people keep telling me to use.

Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl…

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
“Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.