Archive for bat

Virgin Vampires With Full Moons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Wedding Night

The Devil’s Wedding Night (aka, The Devil’s Crypt, Full Moon of the Virgins, Il Plenilunio delle Vergini/Italy, 1973) isn’t nearly as lip-smacking as it sounds. In fact, the Devil doesn’t even show up to his own happiest day. (Who can blame him? His brides/victims won’t sign a pre-nup.) But you don’t need him when you have a clothes-hating, female vampire bathing in human blood squeezings, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

Two handsome brothers are twin archaeologists. One likes to gamble and make smooch happen with chicks. One wants to find the invaluable Ring of the Nibelung (it has mind-moisturizing properties), said to be in Castle Dracula in Transylvania, high up in the Carpathian Ski Mountains. Since this in the early 1900s and there is no Uber or Lyft to get him there, he has to ride his horse. (He never tips the pony or gives it a good rating, the jerk.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

Once at the castle, handsome twin #2 knocks on the door and tells the emotionless gal he’s an architect and wants to study the castle’s feng shui. While wandering around like a snoopy guest opening up underwear drawers and medicine cabinets, he hears a shrieking sound and sees moving shadows. It’s here he meets Countess Dracula, who invites him to stay for dinner and dessert, if you get my drift. Turns out, he’s the main course, but not before a little rub-a-dub.

The Devil's Wedding Night

While this shameful action is going on, his brother is hot on the trail, rushing to bring him a protective amulet to ward away evil. Ironic, since the fabled jewelry is said to have been fashioned by Pazuzu, King of the Demons. (I would’ve thought P would be more into Gothic cabinetry than homemade jewelry.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

As it so happens, tonight is the full moon of the virgins, wherein five as yet undefiled young gals from the nearby village fall under the ring’s spell, and they all walk to the castle at midnight, where in Countess Dracula extracts their blood and slathers it all over herself, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

There’s a lot of running around the castle holding lit candles since the psychedelic, rainless lightning storm raging outside must’ve knocked out the power. Handsome twin brother #1 eventually stumbles across his brother entombed in a stone coffin and beats down a bald male vampire with sick thick eyebrows to rescue him.

The Devil's Wedding Night

The virgins show up, the countess turns into a giant bat, the handsome brother chops off her hand, snags the ring, gives his brother an economic, in-ground burial after serving up a stake well done.

So even as “meh” as this all is, stick around for the double twist ending. It will make you believe in the power of jewelry.

Large And In Charge Halloween, Family Devils, Dancing Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Torrid.com

Torrid.com, a fashion site specializing in clothing for plus-sized women, just came out with this season’s Halloween costume line. In your face, stupid body shamers!

Ladies, in any size/shape, are all Wonder Women — and Torrid even has the WW costume to back that up. You can also get cool Halloween-wear like Maleficent (complete with those sweet curvy horns), Spider-Girl (it’ll make the fellas web their pants), Voodoo Doll (guys — if you see a gal wearing this, you may start feeling a small prick), and the fashionable-year-’round Bat costume.

Torrid.comSo the next time you wanna make disparaging remarks about a woman’s looks and/or size, remember the irony — people who do this have fat heads.

Here are a few now available/upcoming horror/science fiction movies to give you something better to do…

Don't Let The Devil In

DON’T LET THE DEVIL IN (available now)
“After being relocated from the city to a small Appalachian town in order to oversea the development of a casino, Land Developer John Harris and his wife, previously warned there would be resentment within the community, soon find themselves entangled within a tapestry of pure evil that lurks within.”

Tapestry of pure evil. How can you resist a line like that? It’s right up there with “drapery of doom” and “a carpet of carnage.” Kinda makes me wanna give my apartment a makeover.

Bunnyman Vengeance

BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE (October 20, 2017/VOD)
“The man known as Bunnyman returns home to find his family running a haunted house attraction. The family welcomes him home, but soon realizes you cannot domesticate a wild animal. Death and mayhem ensue as the family turn on one another to fulfill their bloodlust.”

The third in a trilogy of a serial killer wearing a dirty Easter bunny costume. Didn’t think they had two more in ’em after the first one. But hey, when is a slasher in a kill-stained bunny outfit not entertaining?

Dances With Werewolves

DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“Cassie flees an abusive relationship and falls victim to a moon-worshiping 600 year old Romanian Countess. A troubled paranormal investigator of Native American heritage finds himself in a deadly love triangle with a battered-woman werewolf.”

This title sure gets around: movies, books/adult fiction memoirs, paranormal crime paperbacks, animated cartoons, YouTube™ videos of werewolves dancing to The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” mega disco hit… There’s even funny fake movie posters online riffing on Kevin Costner’s Dancing With Wolves 1990 movie. (He’s kinda convincing as a hunter of man-beasts.) But this one features Phantasm/horror icon Angus Scrimm in his last role before passing away in 2016 at the age of 89. You’re never too old to dance/do battle with werewolves.

Itsy Bitsy

ISTY BITSY (2018)
Kara moves from New York to the quiet countryside with her two children for a job opportunity she can’t afford to turn down. The family moves into their humble new guesthouse. Kara begins her work as a private nurse to Walter, a man stricken with multiple sclerosis and an appraiser of rare antiquities with a secretive past. Doom precedes them. Akiba, a shady international associate of Walter’s, brings with him a mysterious relic of ancient origin. All too quickly they discover the relic contains more than just legends. Inside, waits a terrifying creature born of ancient darkness and pure instinct…a prehistoric cave spider unlike the modern world has ever seen.”

Spiders existed in prehistoric times? Stink beetles, sure. But eight-legged bugs? Sounds so made up. (This is what happens when you watch too many horror movies and your brain turns into oatmeal.) I hope the cave spider looks like/grows to the size of a dinosaur. I think dinosaurs may have existed in prehistoric times. Gonna have to click on something to verify. But not right now. For some reason I’m craving a bowl of oatmeal.

Vampire Face Cream

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I, Vampiri

I, Vampiri (1956), also known as Lust of the Vampire and The Devil’s Commandment, is a patience-testing Italian vampire movie based on the Elizabeth Bathory legend, which has Giselle du Granda, a vampire chick who needs the blood of young chicks to bathe away her oldness in. She goes to all this trouble when a nice moisturizer would add miles to her mug. (I recommend a purse-friendly jug of Kiehl’s™ Ultra-Facial Cream, which sells for a reasonable $27.50 at Nordstrom™.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream

No scares or suspense, a lot of yapping and a lot of stock footage. Then there’s the usual stuff of missing bloodless young chicks and E-Bath trying to stay one step ahead of the local inspector (or “detective”).

I, Vampiri

I’ll say this about her pad, though —  the skeleton bat gargoyle decor makes for excellent ambiance and really enhance the Zillow™ estimated value of her castle real estate. You might need to upgrade the curtain-esque spider webs, though. I’m thinkin’ something along the lines of a nice mummy wrap chiffon.

I, Vampiri

Wanna know how many sub-titles you need to navigate before you see Giselle turn into parchment paper? Un sacco. (Sounds cooler if you say it with an Italian accent.)

Sucking in the 2000s

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dracula 2000

Drac is back and on the attack. (I should be a rapper; All I need is some fresh beats.) In an interesting updating of the vampire monarch’s diet of throats and human ketchup, Dracula 2000 (2000) takes place in the present, with Van HelsingDracula’s nemesis – also returning, keeping himself alive for 100 years with daily injections of D’s blood, as filtered through wiggly leeches. Eeewww!

Dracula 2000

Van Helsing keeps Drac’s body in an underground vault where hi-tech robbers believe there’s gold or discount coupons for yachts and corvettes. There’s not. So they steal the coffin and let the bat out of the bag.

Dracula 2000

The hunt takes everyone to New Orleans where Dracula 2000 sniffs out Van Helsing’s hotty Daughter 2000, who also pumps filtered vampire blood through her sexy veins. Why she doesn’t take off her clothes to combat eternal evil is anyone’s guess. (Dracula is such a wuss; always chasing after chicks who don’t want him.)

Dracula 2000

A few decapitations, a couple of impalings, a few laughs. The pacing is slow, Drac-Q-Lah isn’t particularly menacing, but there is a brief flash of boobs, Dracula’s other favorite body part to suck on. Otherwise, not the wholesale bloodfest it needed to be.