Archive for Band-Aids™

Doctor to the Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Dracula

House of Dracula (1945) is the cash-in sequel to House of Frankenstein (1944). Sadly, Co-op of The Creature and Duplex of the Damned never got off the drawing board. Dang it all to heck.

House of Dracula

In HoD, Dracula (aka, Baron Latos) is fed up with being a vampire and seeks the medical acumen of castle-dwelling Dr. Franz Edelmann. No word on whether or not Dracula got a referral from his primary care physician.

House of Dracula

Doc Edelmann, aided by two nurse assistants (one is a supermodel, the other a hunchback who looked like she just had her bra on backward), tells Dracula that he’s been experimenting with clavaria formosa, a plant whose spores have the ability to reshape bone. (Sorry skeletons; doesn’t work on you.) And with a series of blood transfusions, he can cure the quitter vampire. (P.S. The blood comes from Edelmann himself. Put that up there in the Top 5 malpractices suits of all time.)

House of Dracula

The doc must’ve left his “walk-ins welcome” sign on because Larry Talbot – the Wolf Man – also shows up, begging the doc to find a cure for his lycanthropy. (Geez, who’s next – the Mummy needing his Band-Aids™ changed?)

House of Dracula

As we all know, Talbot hates being a werewolf because of all that primal need to kill stuff. The doc theorizes that Larry’s wolf-y upgrade is not due to the moon’s influence, but there’s pressure on his brain that, with a little open head surgery and some science mold spores from the same plant, he can cure the fur.

House of Dracula

Of course, all of this goes to heck in a hand basket. During the transfusion, Dracula punks the doc and Nurse Hunchback by hypnotizing them and reversing the blood flow, thereby infecting Edelmann with Type-Oh No Negative. Now the doc’s a vampire that runs around town making work for the coroner.

House of Dracula

Somehow they wedge Frankenstein’s monster into the mix. Why not? In for a penny, in for a pound. While F’s monster doesn’t really do anything except lumber around like it was last call, it’s the now evil doc who needs to taste the wrath of torches and rakes wielded by hangman jury-esque villagers.

House of Dracula

Dracula, wearing a top hat indoors (how rude), is hammy and seems to be phoning it in. Larry Talbot sports a mustache (like he freakin’ needs more hair on his face). The doc – in both care giver and care taker form – gets most of the screen time (and will no doubt bill you for it). The hunchback nurse is killed and her body tossed in a cave hole. (I had a hunch that would happen. Heh.) And Frankenstein’s monster, who locked it up with Larry in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943), gets the raw end of the electrode YET AGAIN, and goes up in flames with the rest of the castle in the movie’s rushed climax/ending. He’ll be back.

House of Frankenstein / House of the Wolf Man

P.S. Wolf Man and Frankenstein’s M were reunited in 2009’s House of the Wolf Man. Those two just can’t seem to get along. Maybe they should try regular therapy instead of shock therapy.

Human Seafood

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Orca

Richard Harris (the first DumbledoreAlbus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, to be g*ddamn exact) plays Nolan, a barnacled sea captain who is offered many sand dollars if he can capture a great white shark for a big time aquarium. Don’t forget to pack the Band-Aids™ and tourniquets, pal.

Orca

Not knowing the difference between a shark and an orca, Nolan and his crew harpoon a female killer whale. As she’s being pulled out of the sea, she miscarriages all over the place. I was completely unaware she was pregnant, let alone married or living in sea sin.

Orca

Before the crew can haul her back to the aquarium, her mate comes to the rescue and pounds the living crap out of the fishing vessel. The decision is made to cut the female loose, which they wisely do. But the male orca is not done with them yet and eats one of the sailors. (He probably smelled enough like fish to be considered edible.)

Orca

Nolan is super unhappy about this and now it becomes a sea foam-y grudge match. Rather than stay onshore where the orca can’t ever get him, Nolan unwisely decides to go after the maddened whale. Ha – that’s all part of the orca’s plan as he leads them north to cold and icy water. (He got this idea from his good buddy, Frankenstein’s monster.)

Orca

A showdown on an iceberg clearly puts the ball in orcas’ court, wherein it gets a hold of Nolan and flings his harpoon-happy ass onto the ice. They don’t call him a killer whale for nothing. The scene where Nolan slowly slides into the water is classic – he looks like a frozen Otter Pop™ with facial hair.

Orca

If anything Orca (aka, Orca: The Killer Whale/1977) confirms my lifelong theory that you shouldn’t piss of anything with the word “killer” in its name.