Archive for Australia

Rock Around The Croc

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , on June 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Black Water

Based on a true story, vacation-minded folks boating around Australia’s croc-infested mangrove swamps barely get their hooks in the water when the boat is hit and overturned. The guide is the first to “be taken.” The others manage to get up a tree, which if you know Australian crocodiles, isn’t up high enough. (Think eight-foot hoop and a six-foot basketball player.)

Black Water

Playing out like Open Water (2003), a man and the two ladies are trapped miles from nowhere, and their boat — about 20 feet away — is upside down and their only hope of getting out of the tangle of trees. Sucks to be them.

Black Water

Inevitable loss of blood drips into the swamp water. To a crocodile that’s like throwing the bakery doors open. Speaking of, the reptile is not digital (thank you), and behaves like any other animal in the wild would when presented with taste-test opportunities.

Black Water

All the scenes are really intense whenever someone gets in the water because you know the croc is in the vicinity, but you only see a few bubbles coming to the surface (maybe he ate a human bean burrito earlier).

Black Water

Black Water (2007) is a nicely realistic flick, although I really wish they would’ve named the ravaging reptile something along the lines of Sir Bites Alot or Carl “Deathroll” Chewingham. But if it wants to remain nameless, that’s okay by me.

Godzilla’s Back

Posted in Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ball's Pyramid

Came across this picture online the other day of a gigantic earth formation that’s being referred to as an old volcano in the South Pacific. Called Ball’s Pyramid (heh), it allegedly rose out of the sea seven million years ago and is 1,844 feet high off the coast of Australia.

Godzilla's back

Uh no, geology door knobs – it’s one of those pointy things that fell off Godzilla’s back after he rubbed up against humanity. How can we even take these so-called “experts” seriously when it’s clear from my 13 seconds of research it’s part of Godzilla’s sports outerwear?

The conclusive proof is in the photos, people.

Godzilla

Windmill of Doom

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Windmill Massacre

No sooner than I do an entire blog about the resurgence of the word “massacre” in a horror movie title [click HERE for excellence in fake journalism], a new one pops up. Called The Windmill Massacre (releasing 2016), this Dutch made dust-up concerns a chick on the run from the law, Devil-worshipping, and windmills. (Historical fact: windmills were centuries ahead of those fancy-pants wind turbines you see all over the place these days.)

The Windmill Massacre

Anyway, here’s how The Windmill Massacre spins: “Jennifer is an Australian girl on the run from her past who washes up in Amsterdam. In a desperate attempt to stay one step ahead of the authorities, she joins a coach-load of tourists embarking on a tour of Holland’s world famous windmills.”

The Windmill Massacre

“When the bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere, she and the other tourists are forced to seek shelter in a disused shed beside a sinister windmill where, legend has it, a Devil-worshipping miller once ground the bones of locals instead of grain.  As members of the group start to disappear, Jennifer learns that they all have something in common – a shared secret that seems to mark them all for doom.”

The Windmill Massacre

Doom is a tidy word as it doesn’t need explaining. But what does is the Devil-worshipping miller grinding human bones. If its used in place of flour, you can only imagine what kind of taste bone powder gives to doughnuts. And what good are doughnuts that only a cannibal could choke down? Not a very good business model.

Wrecker: Tab-Expired Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wrecker

It’s always painful to see Hollywood to run so dry of ideas that they shell out good pocket coupons to produce cheap/cheesy horror like Wrecker (releasing November 6, 2015): “Best friends Emily and Lesley go on a road trip to the desert. When Emily decides to get off the highway and take a ‘short cut,’ they become the target of a relentless and psychotic trucker who forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse.”

Wrecker

Not only is Wrecker NOT an original idea with a crappy title, who would pay to see a movie what you can see on a freeway any day of the week?

Duel / The Car

Wrecker’s plot is a direct lift from Stephen Spielberg’s Duel (1971), in which McCloud (or “Dennis Weaver”) is relentlessly pursued across dirty desert back roads by a 18-wheeler driven by a malevolent invisible trucker.

This was mimicked by Elliot Silverstein’s The Car in 1977, in which Amityville Horror’s James Brolin goes up against a possessed black car that “vroom-thump-thumps” anyone brave enough to use a crosswalk in Utah.

Christine / Maximum Overdrive

And picking up the pieces and running with that, who could forget Christine, the 1983 Stephen King horror movie that featured a “body by Chrysler, soul by Satan” ’58 Plymouth Fury that could return to showroom condition after being engulfed in flames and making griddle cakes out of thugs.

Then came Maximum Overdrive (another Stephen King adapted movie) in 1986 that not only turns a huge truck (with Spider-Man’s bestie the Green Goblin’s face on the front grill) into a “devastation wagon,” but anything mechanical that held a grudge against their human slave masters. (Can opener: “Take that, you opposable digit oppressors!”)

Road Train / Blood Car

Let us not forget the Australian Road Train (aka, Road Kill), which came out in 2010. In that one the monster truck is a rolling grindhouse, running on the goop left over after it throws you in the back and food processes you into energy-efficient goop. (They got this idea from 2007’s really funny dark horror comedy, Blood Car.)

Super Hybrid

While we’re on the subject of all things vehicular homicidal, there’s the “destined for the junk yard” Super Hybrid (2010) that had a souped up Prius™-y type hybrid not yielding to the right of way of pedestrians.

Want more? There’s plenty out there – especially on the freeway.

Red Billabong: Fair Dinkham Horror

Posted in Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Red Billabong

Red Billabong is an upcoming Australian creature feature horror movie. But the title doesn’t reflect the monster’s name, but rather a pond formed when its water source gets all attitude-y and changes its life direction, cutting itself off from the rest flow. In the States we call that a “tide pool.” Billabong™ is also a popular sports wear fashion company.

Red Billabong

So what does a stagnant pond and overpriced yet surprisingly stain-resistant cargo shorts have to do with a mythical creature? Hopefully, nothing. Unless the monster lives in the pond and wears a swimsuit that comes in a colorful array of expensive styles.

Here’s what lies Down Under: “Two estranged brothers and their friends are pulled into a world of mystery and lies when their grandfather’s property is passed into their hands. As both brothers are pulled apart by different choices, one thing is clear – something sinister is going on. As people go missing the brothers learn secrets that will change their life forever – but what is out there? A myth? A hoax? Or could it really be…real?”

Red Billabong

I’m hoping it’s real, because I’m all about being legit.

Since we’re on the topic, there have been notable Australian creature horror movies prior featuring zombie farm animals (Black Sheep/2006), super-sized crocodiles (Rogue/2007), giant human-eating pigs (Razorback/1984), all of nature’s creatures plus a dugong, which is a fat ass sea cow (The Long Weekend/1978 & 2008), and Waterborne (2015), starring a “zombieroo,” the world’s first zombie kangaroo. (They should call it The Hopping Dead. I’m probably the only one who thinks that’s funny.)

Waterborne

Note to selves: As of this word-barfing Waterborne is a film short designed to attract crowd-funding for a future full-length feature.

Red Billabong is supposed to come out sometime in 2015. Regardless of what the creature turns out to be, I can hardly for the sequel: Plaid Billabong.

A World of Zombies

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombieworld

Oh, boy – YET ANOTHER zombie movie! Yippee! With the June 8, 2015 release of Zombieworld we can watch the 17,000th undead movie released this year! Wow, just think – the undead eating the living! How can the same movie/theme released over and over and over get boring?

Hard to convey sarcasm with the printed word without using a frown-y face Emoji.

Zombieland

So, yeah – Zombieworld. If you feel a yawn coming on, go nuts. Or go watch the superior Zombieland (2009). But if you have to know what Zombieworld is about (and you probably already do), here’s the pitch:

“The end is here! The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us – and all you can do is kick back and watch how it happened, right here, right now in the place we call Zombieworld.”

“Satisfy your thirst for all things zombie as we take you back in time to the biblical rise of the living dead before running screaming from continent to continent as reports of zombie devastation arrive from Ireland, Canada, Australia, and all over the U.S.”

“Watch for the ‘Government Health Warnings’ on ‘How to Survive a Zombie Attack.’ They could be the only thing between you and a newfound hunger for human flesh. And above all else, enjoy yourself – you may not have much longer to live.”

Zombieworld

“With ultra-violence, gallons of gore, and heaps of bloody fun, Zombieworld – a ravenous collection of deadly tales – is like nothing you’ve seen before.”

“Like nothing you’ve seen before.” And that’s the problem, isn’t it? More like, “everything you’ve seen before – over and over and over.”

Where is that frown-y face Emoji when you need one?

P.S. Zombieworld is not to be confused with the 2014 Spanish movie, Zombie World. Seems filmmakers have run out of movie titles.

Zombie World

Storybook Creature

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Babadook

Maybe it’s the time of the year or just the cycle of horror movies, but there sure seems to be a lot of “ghost” and/or “entity in yer face” movies these days. Not that I’m complaining, which I’m prone to do; I’ll take a ghost movie over an overdone zombie film since I’ve about had my fill of the undead. DISCLAIMER: The above statement DOES NOT include The Walking Dead, which has become a raging addiction for me, no matter how much smack George Romero talks about it.

So the next one coming down the polter-pole is The Babadook (Australia/2014), a mythical kid’s book whatchahoozit. While the name doesn’t particularly invoke a sense of dread and sounds like an internet start-up, color me a seasonal shade of intrigued.

Here’s the paper-thin albeit serviceable plot…

“Six years after the violent death of her husband, Amelia is at a loss. She struggles to discipline her out of control six year-old, Samuel, a son she finds impossible to love.”

“Samuel’s dreams are plagued by a sinister monster he believes is coming to kill them both. When a disturbing storybook called The Babadook turns up at their house, Samuel is convinced that the Babadook is the creature he’s been dreaming about.”

“His hallucinations spiral out of control and as he becomes more unpredictable and violent, Amelia is genuinely frightened by her son’s behavior. But when she begins to see glimpses of an evil presence all around her, it slowly dawns on her that the thing Samuel has been warning her about may be real.”

The Babadook

Couple ’o things: The kid needs to be put in time-out – for about a month. Secondly, maybe mom should hook up with Babadook; let’s see what behavior problems arise when your step-dad’s a supernatural creature from beyond that has zero tolerance for humans to begin with.

The Irrefutable Truth About Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Irrefutable Truth About Demons

A moderately handsome anthropologist exposes cults for a hobby, which makes a bunch of stinky demons mad at him. As an academic who only deals in fact, his world flips around like a broken ferris wheel when his reality is thrown into question by random acts of magic, eerie symbols and unholy, computer-generated demons.

The Irrefutable Truth About Demons

Filmed in Australia, all the actors and hellish entities talk like that dead Crocodile Hunter guy. (“G’day, evil!”) Our hero’s girlfriend is crucified in their living room; his dead brother keeps coming back to taunt him; he’s kidnapped and tortured by punk rock demonologists; and his heart is yanked out of his chest and put in a fashionable coin purse for carrying bus change and chapstick and such.

The Irrefutable Truth About Demons

The delicious Katie Wolfe turns up as a loony tune trying to help him “see” the evil around him. And to touch his chazwazza. (“There’s a hidden message, but you have to keep it close to your penis,” she says, sticking her hand down his trousers.) The sex scene is blurred just enough where you can’t see Kate’s groceries, but there’s enough blood and violence and plot turns in The Irrefutable Truth About Demons (2000) to keep you from conjuring your own demons. In other words, no worries, mate.

The Irrefutable Truth About Demons

People McNuggets

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , on January 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rogue

When you get down to it, giant crocodiles eating people is a solid business model. You have your scenic outdoor sequences, nature narratives, screamy tourists, and hey, no unnecessary story lines – just meet ’n eat.

Rogue

A bowlful, uh, boatload of tourists vacationing in Australia go up the wrong river without a paddle. Something – I’m not saying what – smashes into their flotation device and flips it over, forcing them to swim for a small mud island.

Rogue

Some can dog-paddle faster than others. Good for them. Those who can’t… You may as well call the sandbar a dinner plate as it isn’t much of a safe haven due to a fast rising tide, leaving the leftovers, uh, tourists to figure out how to get across the river to what they think is safe ground. From here on out it’s a guessing game to see which annoying tourist gets snacked in half and in what order before the “into the croc pot” ending.

Rogue The tourist guide – a blonde supermodel – still thinks she’s in charge. That is, until Mr. Snappy makes out with her with his toothy kiss of death. So much for a second date.

Rogue

Great butt-clenching tension as everyone tries to get to dry land on a rope line suspended a few feet over the water. The angle of the dangle. You know what’s gonna happen, but it’s still fun to see it all go down. (Yeah, down Mr. Snappy’s throat – ha!)

Rogue

The crocodile of the moment is pretty big (the credits say 23 feet in length), doesn’t look fake and prefers a side order of screaming with his meals. Which makes Rogue (2007) on par with the other exact plot croc movie, Black Water (2007) and almost as good as Primeval (2007). Like I said, a solid business model.