Getting Tanked on Sharks

Hot on the dorsal of Discovery Channel’s™ insanity popular Shark Week comes SyFy Channel’s™ Sharknado Week, kicking off the largest collection of cheesy shark-offs ever made, starting with Atomic Shark (2014) on July 24, 2016, and showing Ice Sharks (2016) somewhere in the mess.

I can see the question mark on your gills – wasn’t here already a shark movie featuring ice? Sorta. It was called Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast and it came out 2011. Then there was Avalanche Sharks in 2014. So yeah, we’re due for another frozen fin fable.

Here’s how Ice Sharks chills out: “A new breed of aggressive, ravenous sharks cracks the frozen ocean floor of an Arctic research station, devouring all who fall through. As the station sinks into frigid waters, those alive must fashion makeshift weapons or suffer the same fate.”

Suffer the same fate. A phrase I’ve used since watching these chew-by-numbers shark movies. And since you need to get caught up, here’s SyFy’s™ monster menu of mouthy mayhem that includes other killer cod as well. Be prepared to spend a week in front of your TV – there are 44 featured shark-n-friends movies. Bring tartar sauce.

This Shark Is The Bomb

It used to be we were justifiably afraid of sharks, what with their emotionless biting off of limbs and/or employable extremities. Now that our ferocious friends of the foamy sea have been tornado’d, tomato’d, super-sized and mechanized, the continuously-mocked apex predator has been relegated to a one punch line cinematic joke. Shame on everyone except me.

And the knee-slapping continues with the impending Atomic Shark (coming 2014), wherein a terrorist and a biologist devise a device that makes great white sharks attack a variety of anything. As if sharks ever need an excuse to chew you out.

To add some padding to the plot, criminal humans attach bombs to the sharks, kinda like what the Navy’s been doing with delicious dolphins for decades now. The terrorist’s target? A nuclear sub that, once bitten by a shark that thinks it’s a heavy metal hot dog, would explode and smear everyone except me in a cloud of radioactive hair product.

I’ll say this about Atomic Shark, though – at least they didn’t turn the hapless eating machine into a comedy act hybrid, ala Sand Sharks, Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, Snow Shark, Psycho Shark, Avalanche Sharks, etc., etc., etc. Why can’t we pick on oysters for a change?

P.S. Do not confuse this movie with The Atomic Sharks, the educational kid’s music  ukulele duo comprised of Kris Hensler and Kenny Taylor, both of whom still have employable extremities.