A Kaiju Reborn, Airborne Apes, Post-Puberty Exorcist

The Gods of All That Is Kaiju have FINALLY answered my last call prayers. Gamera, one of the greatest giant monsters ever in the history of ever (spinning Frisbee™ flight abilities, plasma flames blasting out of mouth AND butthole area, Osmond-sized teeth), is coming back after being in hibernation since 2006. Kadokawa Daiei Studio and Netflix™ just announced they’re working on a project called Gamera: Rebirth for 2023. After I post this blog, I’ll need to go swap out my under garments because, you know…

From Joblow.com: “A giant, fire-breathing, prehistoric turtle monster, Gamera was first introduced to audiences in the 1965 film Gamera, the Giant Monster, which begins with an atomic bomb waking him from a long slumber in the Arctic. Over the next six years, Gamera returned in Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Viras, Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Jiger, and Gamera vs. Zigra. When the studio was struggling with financial issues in 1980, they cut together a bunch of stock footage Gamera: Super Monster. Gamera then took a fifteen year break before being brought back in a trilogy of films directed by Shusuke Kaneko. Those were Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Gamera 2: Attack of Legion, and Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris. The most recent film was 2006’s Gamera the Brave.”

While we look for a time machine to transport us to the premier of Gamera: Rebirth’s exact day and time in 2023, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good as giant prehistoric turtle soup…

ALL EYES / Out now (VOD)

“Allen hosts a podcast about strange people and paranormal phenomena. One day, he gets fired from his job. He’s totally distraught, but soon enough, he comes across a case that just might revitalize his career. He’s contacted by a widowed farmer named Don who claims there’s a monster living in the woods near his house, so Allen travels to the man’s home to interview him and see him capture the beast.”

WTF?!? Monsters live in the woods? Dang — I live right next to some woods. This really upsets my stomach area. Sure, Bigfoot lives in there as well, but he’s not really a monster. He’s more of a Naturalist/organic hippie free spirit who just happens to occasionally scare the kale outta people.

CRYO / Out now (VOD)

“In an underground facility, five scientists wake from cryosleep with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep. They soon make a shocking realization: a killer is hunting them down there, and may even be hiding among them.”

Waking up with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep sounds like they had an epic night at the Tug Tavern instead of an underground facility.

GALE: STAY AWAY FROM OZ / Pending release 2022/2023

“Long gone are the days of emerald cities and yellow brick roads in this dark re-imagining of The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale is now an elderly woman, broken by years of paranormal entanglement with a mystical realm, which has now echoed down to her only living relative, Emily, who is being called to settle unfinished business in this terrifying world of Oz.”

Hoping this one is as bloodthirsty and barbaric as the 1939 original. It better not have dork dancing and ear gouging song interludes, though. Crossing fingers for flying monkeys.

BLOOD FLOWER / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Iqbal, a 16-year-old apprentice faith healer and exorcist, is tormented by visions of the dead and spirits from other dimensions. When a malicious spirit begins to wreak havoc around him, Iqbal is forced to harness his supernatural gifts to save his family and friends.”

A 16-year-old exorcist/faith healer who can see the dead from other dimensions. At 16 I was a paperboy.

God Monsters vs. Mad Science

One thing that makes mad scientists mad (or “displeased”) is when no one believes you when you go around screaming at the top of your squeezebox that dinosaurs exist. Can’t blame ’em — that’d chap my stick, as well. (P.S. Penguins are real, too, man — I’ve seen ’em!)

In South Korea’s War of the God Monsters (1985), that’s the case with Dr. Kim, whose jacked up no one will listen to his Jurassic bark. So he finds a young (i.e. gullible) reporter Kang Ok-hee to prove his case. Soon, his drunk-talk of all things giant reptilian was vindicated when a bird-like Pterodactylus shows up and starts crapping on cars from on high. (Now would be the time to yell, “In your face!” Or something more florid.) 

So what does one do when feisty fossils start busting up the joint as if it were Taco Tuesday at the Tug Tavern? Kill ’em and make tacos, of course. Maybe the job won’t be as tough as first thought as the monsters don’t resemble biblical depictions of dinosaurs at all — they look like they were were made from edible Play-Doh™. While we’re on the subject, climate change is blamed for the Kaiju Jamboree; Arctic ice melts from carbon emissions (car farts), thereby waking the not-quite-extinct beasts from their ice tray nap time.

Originally titled The Flying Monster (yawn), the movie is Frankenstein’d together with stock footage from Ultraman (1966), Return of Ultraman (1971) and Ultraman Ace (1972). There’s even pilfered scenes from the 1971 Taiwanese flick, The Founding of Ming Dynasty. (Yeah, I didn’t know that and had to look it up.) The “acting” is written around generic scenes of monsters making buildings go kablooey, side-dished with requisite doses of cry-yelling, explosion smoke and some sort of flaming fire. The confusing storyline makes about as much sense as toy clay-sculpted monsters, but you don’t rent flicks like this for the gripping narrative. War of the God Monster’s best part? The title.

The Final Dead, Evil Clothes, Sex Zombies

Proceed with caution as there be spoilers ahead. For those who are hardcore (or even casual) Walking Dead fans, the final episode of Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln, whose father-in-law is hippie flute player Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull) was kind of a swerve.

Impaled by re-bar and barely escaping a herd/horde of walkers, Rick, bleeding out like a stuck pig, keeps passing out and hallucinating. Sounds like a night out at The Tug Tavern. Several past characters return to offer advice and to yell at him to wake up. Then he blows up a bridge over troubled waters, which cause a ton of zombies to cannonball into the raging river below.

Did Rick go ka-BOOM during the explosion? Not according to the last scene, which I won’t reveal. But it’s already in the works Rick will be back in not one but three impending Walking Dead movies, as well as directing a few episodes.

This is good news as I didn’t want Rick to go ka-BOOM. While we ponder the future of The Walking Dead without him, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jump off a bridge…

CAM (November 16, 2018)
“An ambitious cam-girl wakes up one day to discover she’s been replaced on her show with an exact replica of herself. As this copy begins to push the boundaries of Alice’s Internet identity, the control that Alice has over her life, and the men in it, vanishes. While she struggles to regain what she’s lost, she slowly finds herself drawn back to her show and to the mysterious person who has taken her place.”

Okay, that’s gotta feel weird, being replaced by yourself. If that happened to me, I’d tell that guy to get a haircut and wear something else besides KISS T-shirts day in and day out for months at a time.

UGLY SWEATER PARTY (November 23, 2018)
On Christmas Eve at a campsite deep in the woods, an ugly sweater party is in full swing. Best friends Cliff and Jody arrive expecting some mistletoe action from the sexy twins who invited them, but soon realize that they are at a Bible camp. To make matters worse, Cliff is wearing a sweater possessed by the ghost of notorious serial killer Declan Rains. While the evil sweater slowly possesses Cliff, Jody also realizes that the party guests aren’t as innocent as they first seem.

An evil sweater. Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.

ARCTIC (February, 2019)
“A man stranded in the Arctic is finally about to receive his long-awaited rescue. However, after a tragic accident, his opportunity is lost. He must then decide whether to remain in the relative safety of his camp or to embark on a deadly trek through the unknown for potential salvation.”

Unless a polar bear eats his head off and snacks on his entrails as if unheated lasagna.

RABID (2019)
“Rose, a young woman who, after an accident leaves her scarred beyond recognition, undergoes a radical untested stem-cell treatment. While turning Rose into the belle of the ball, the experimental transformation comes at a price.”

A remake of David Cronenberg’s same-named 1977 classic, which was a remake of his 1975 sex zombie movie, Shivers (1975). Check out the plot: “The residents of a suburban high-rise apartment building are being infected by a strain of parasites that turn them into mindless, sex-crazed fiends out to infect others by the slightest sexual contact.” Forget condoms — wear a wet suit.

Killer Snow, Rural Werewolves, Flossing Serial Killers

T’was recently announced that Ridley Scott — the man behind three of the six Alien movies (not counting the two Alien/Predator mash-ups) — is doing a horror TV series for AMC. The smoke detector can wait — time to put new batteries in the remote.

From the press release: “Ridley Scott’s horror series The Terror is a fictionalized account of a real-life expedition in 1845, in which two ships were lost in the Arctic and all 129 men were killed. The series, which debuts on AMC in March 2018, is based on the 2007 best-selling novel of the same name by Dan Simmons.”

While we impatiently wait for The Terror to brighten or screens/life, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably don’t take place in the Arctic, though some might leave you cold (heh)…

AMITYVILLE: THE FINAL CHAPTER (available now)
“A group of paranormal investigators teams up with a wrongly convicted serial killer to track down a mysterious monster responsible for a slew of recent killings.”

YET ANOTHER Amityville movie? [insert facepalm here]. I think this makes 400 Amityville movies, give or take. The press release cracks me up — wrongly convicted serial killer. How does that even make sense? How does YET ANOTHER Amityville movie make sense? This cow has been milked so many times, it’s only giving evaporated milk.

THE HOWLING (available now)
“A local myth will be discovered to be true by a group of teenagers on a night out on remote farmland. Is there a bloodthirsty creature that has been wandering the land?”

Not to be confused with 1981’s The Howling or the seven subsequent sequels that slogged on until 2011. This werewolf movie places the creature on a farm. Maybe it’s not a werewolf. More likely a weresheep that hasn’t been sheared for so long, it just looks like a werewolf. I look similar if I skip my annual hair trimming.

PIERCING (January 20, 2018)
“Reed is going on a business trip. He kisses his wife and infant son goodbye, but in lieu of a suitcase filled with clothes, he’s packed a toothbrush and a murder kit. Everything is meticulously planned: check into a hotel and kill an unsuspecting victim. Only then will he rid himself of his devious impulses and continue to be a good husband and father. But Reed gets more than he bargained for with Jackie, an alluring call girl who arrives at his room. First, they relax and get in the mood, but when there’s an unexpected disruption, the balance of control begins to sway back and forth between the two. Is he seeing things? Who’s playing whom? Before the night is over, a feverish nightmare will unfold, and Reed and Jackie will seal their bond in blood.”

A toothbrush and a murder kit. Nice to know serial killers maintain healthy dental hygiene. Wonder if he flosses as well? That’s equally as important before going out on a murder spree. (P.S. Regularly brush/floss your teeth, but DO NOT go out on murder sprees.)

LOST SOLACE (January 30, 2018/iTunes™)
“Lost Solace is a fast-paced psychological thriller that depicts the transformation of Spence Cutler, a young psychopath and con artist. He’s never felt empathy or guilt, however, a fateful encounter with a new drug is about to give him a dose of too much reality, and he takes a mind-bending trip down the psychedelic highway of consciousness to come face to face with his own morality and his own twisted soul.”

So the main character is a young psychopath and con artist. Nice to see those just starting out in the job market to have clear career goals. Reach for the moon, I say. But don’t do drugs — that stuff will ruin your life.