An Unpleasant Pheasant

Everyone knows about Quetzalcoatl, that Aztecan murdering bird god that flies around murdering people. They even made a movie about it in 1982: Q – The Winged Serpent. If you weren’t murdered by Q, count yourself as one of the lucky ones. If you were murdered by Q, there is literally nothing I can say or do to make your afterlife more comfortable.

But did you know there was a murdering bird god movie in 1946? Yep – it was called The Flying Serpent. Was it a bird? Yep. Did it fly? Yep. Did it murder people? Yep. Was it a serpent as well as a bird? Nope. In fact it looked like a pheasant (same size, too) needing a shampoo and comb out.

Professor Andrew Forbes is an insane archaeologist. Given that nearly all archaeologists are mentally to the left of center (that’s what that the Internet claims), Forbes wants to murder (or “kill”) his enemies. Apparently, archaeologists have lots and lots of enemies. It isn’t until the despised digger-upper unearths (or “diggers up”) Quetzalcoatl and, using his social skills, uses the murder bird to peck away at his antagonists.

Here’s a potential problem with that plan; when you give an intended victim one of Quetzalcoatl’s feathers (looks like it came off a pheasant), the bird tracks you down and gives you the flapping of a lifetime. This means you get tomorrow off…permanently.

Forbes accidentally gives his wife the feather and next thing you know, she’s nesting…permanently. A mere distraction as Forbes uses this knowledge to become the richest man on earth. (Where’s there’s an ancient murder bird, there’s ancient taxable treasure.)

The Flying Serpent is less than an hour long. But we do get a fair amount of murder bird action. The flying sequences, while dated, aren’t too shabby, and it freely uses its beak of doom to exact…DOOM. So in your face, all you anthropology haters.

Yelling About Hell

Full of themselves and/or self-righteousness, bible believers tell (i.e., violently scream from street corners) that there are three gates to Hell, alternate entrances in case the line to get in is too long. One is in the desert (lots of free parking), one is in the ocean (charter a boat and get in a little fishing while you’re at it) and one is in Jerusalem, famous religious tourist trap and home of all things worship-y.

JeruZalem, a new found footage horror movie releasing January 22, 2016, takes us there for a little “end of days” judgment, with violent screaming from street corners, divine bloodletting and zombie angels, hence the “Z”, a not-so-subtle cash-in on that other religion.

Here’s your penance: “Two American girls on vacation follow a mysterious anthropology student on a trip to Jerusalem. The party is cut short when the trio is caught in the middle of a biblical apocalypse. Trapped between the ancient walls of the holy city, they must find a way out as the fury of Hell is unleashed upon them.”

Couple of thoughts: Jerusalem/JeruZalem, or “Jesus Spring Break,” with all its biblical background, doesn’t seem like a go-to party place. (A dancing foot does not belong on a praying knee.)

Secondly, as this is a found footage flick (and after watching the trailer), there’s always one person who keeps the camera rolling no matter what demonic entity is eating your friend’s face. That alone makes you wanna thump their bible.

On that note, I’m a non-believer in camera batteries that never run out of juice. That film keeps rolling after hours and hours when my cell phone conks out after only one hour on 1-800-Boobie-Chat seems so blasphemous. Maybe the movie batteries are made by…DuraHell™. (C’mon, that was comedy gold…)