Archive for Amityville: The Awakening

Evil, Evil and More Evil

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Havenhurst

If I was be paid to watch horror and sci-fi movies, I’d be rich. Things I’d buy with my richness: solid gold couch with diamond occasional pillows, that invisibility blanket from the Harry Potter movies, and a bathroom overflowing with products for my hair. But until that time comes, here are five upcoming horror movies I won’t get paid to watch…

HAVENHURST (February, 2017 / limited)
Havenhurst is a looming apartment complex in the heart of New York City’s historic Tudor City district. A beautifully maintained, turn-of-the-century building that houses over 3,000 residents and countless dark secrets. The rent is what you can afford and the rules are simple: live a good and decent life and you can stay forever. Break the rules and…”

Reminds me of the premise of the 666 Park Avenue TV series (September 30, 2012 to July 13, 2013). They’d never let me move into either of those places. I broke the “living a good and decent life” commandment shortly after exiting the womb.

Amityville: The Awakening

AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (June 30, 2017)
“An ambitious female television news intern, on the verge of breaking the most famous haunted house case in the world, leads a team of journalists, clergymen and paranormal researchers into an investigation of the bizarre events that will come to be known as The Amityville Horror, only to unwittingly open a door to the unreal that she may never be able to close.”

Alerted the masses about this one back in the good ol’ days of 2015. Since then they’ve moved the release date twice. That’s generally not a good sign. Neither is the tired set-up of paranormal researchers wandering around a haunted house without first wiping their feet. Wonder if this one will finally feature the return of Jody the floating demon pig (as represented by red glowing eyes and oinking) from The Amityville Horror (1979)? They really missed a golden marketing opportunity there: Amityville Thick-Cut Bacon™.

The Love Witch

THE LOVE WITCH (March 10, 2017)
“Elaine, a beautiful young witch, is determined to find a man to love her. In her Gothic Victorian apartment she makes spells and potions, and then picks up men and seduces them. However, her spells work too well, leaving her with a string of hapless victims. When she finally meets the man of her dreams, her desperation to be loved will drive her to the brink of insanity and murder.”

Oh, Elaine — you don’t need Nivea™ spells and potions to sack a dude. Beer does the job just fine. And for post-speed dating clean-up, I recommend Bounty™ paper towels.

What The Waters Left Behind

WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND (in production as of December 2016)
Epecuén was one of the most important touristic villages of Argentina. Thousands of people are attracted by the healing properties of its thermal waters. On November 10, 1985, a huge volume of water broke the protecting embankment and the village was submerged under ten meters of salt water. Epecuén disappeared. Thirty years later, the waters receded and the ruins of Epecuén emerged exposing a bleak and deserted landscape. The residents never returned. A group of young people take a trip to the ruins in order to film a documentary about Epecuén. Ignoring the warnings, and after a brief tour, they get stranded in the abandoned village. Contrary to what they thought, they begin to realize that they are really not alone.”

The title brings to mind a trip to The Poggie Tavern men’s room. Now THERE’S some real horror. I remember what I was doing on November 10, 1985 when that village flooded. I was filling my above-ground Argentinian swimming pool and got distracted with a case of Berlina Foreign Stout™. By the time I remembered it, the darn pool overflowed all over the place. Time, unlike Epecuén, floats when you’re having fun.

Island Zero

ISLAND ZERO (2017)
“Inhabitants of a fishing island off the coast of Maine find themselves mysteriously cut off from the outside world after the ferry suddenly stops coming. All the phones have gone dead and every boat sent to the mainland fails to return. When dead bodies turn up along the water’s edge, the hardy band of survivors must find out who, or what, is killing them.”

A tantalizingly and cool premise. Apologies to the filmmakers for the above graphic. I didn’t have an official poster to use, so I totally stole this off your Facebook page. (I’ll replace it once the official version comes out. Feel free to put me in the special thanks section.)

More Amityville Horrors

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amityville Nightmares

Just 10 days ago as of this writing (July 7, 2015 to be 100% accurate), I had e-barfed about YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror cash-in: Amityville: The Awakening. Besides being a really dumb idea, the whole haunted house Amityville thing has been done and overdone since it started back in 1979, which began as a “based on true events” 1977 book of the same title by Jay Anson. (I personally think he goosed up some of the “supernatural horror” events to goose up sales.)

So now comes Amityville Nightmares, filming commencing in August 2015.  I swear, that whole series is like stepping in dog poop that you can’t ever quite scrape off your shoes. Based on Amy Miles’ recent book, Visitation: An Amityville Nightmare Novel, Amityville Nightmares focuses on theories and real life accounts of the original DeFeo murders.

Note to you: Ronald DeFeo, Jr. was the eldest son of the DeFeo family who shotgunned his entire family in half in that infamous house after “voices” in his head to him to do it, setting off several decades of paranormal speculation and cash-ins. (Too bad the voices didn’t tell him to clean his room – yeesh, what a mess.)

Ronald DeFeo Jr. As for the alleged spook talkers, it came up in DeFeo’s court trial that he was an abuser of heroin and LSD, and that he had an antisocial personality disorder. Antisocial? Get a rope!

The only thing I like about this impending movie is its kicker line: “It wasn’t the house that was haunted.” About time somebody got it right.

The Unending Horror of Amityville

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amityville: The Awakening

It isn’t schedule for release until 2016, but already red flags are going up around the impending Amityville – The Awakening, another coattail rider in the beleaguered Amityville Horror franchise, which started in 1979. (Amityville: The Awakening is the 14th offering in a once-kinda cool but now painfully laughable series.)

And they haven’t decided what to call it. Wikipedia has it listed as Amityville: The Reawakening, but the ad posters simply have it titled as Amityville: The Awakening. The irony here is that the sequel will probably put you to sleep (if the trailer is any indication). Here’s some more knuckleheadedness – Wikipedia™ states that the movie was released on January 2, 2015, yet IMDB.com says it comes out in April of 2016. Somebody needs to re-awake, pick a lane, and drive in it.

Amityville: The Awakening

So here’s how they go to the cursed well one more time: “Belle, her little sister Juliet, and her comatose twin brother James move into a new house with their single mother Joan in order to save money to help pay for her brother’s expensive healthcare.”

“But when strange phenomena begin to occur in the house including the miraculous recovery of her brother and Belle’s increasingly horrifying nightmares, Belle begins to suspect her mother isn’t telling her everything and soon realizes they just moved into the infamous Amityville house.”

Amityville: The Awakening

Weak. Clearly, after 14 movies, they ran out of ways to cash in other than to cram “Amityville” in the title and make leap of believability to place everyone back in the most infamous haunted house in the world. They should call it Amityville: The Re-Sleepening.