Archive for Alka-Seltzer

Face Without A Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Faceless Man

The Faceless Man wasn’t born faceless. He had the geographical misfortune of chillin’ on the villa of Pompeii when the famous volcano blew its load, encasing many taxpayers in searing lava juice that, once solidified, turned them into stone cold stone mummies. This made it impossible for those affected to make boom boom happen in a hygienic method.

Curse of the Faceless Man

Once such stoner was uncovered after being covered since 79 A.D by an Italian farmer. First order of business – kill people, ’cause that’s what mummies do. (Note: Mummies aren’t really good for anything else, so cut ’em some slack.)

Curse of the Faceless Man

The mummy, whose name is Quintillus Aurelius (which is hard to pronounce in any A.D.) stays frozen in time until it’s time to strangle future humans and retrieve a gold brooch or “vintage bling.” (Quick thought – how did the archaeologists figure out his name? Quinty’s wallet must sure be encased in stone as well, yes?)

Curse of the Faceless Man

Q pulls up his hot pockets and goes after Tina, medical researcher Paul Mallon’s fiancée. I can see why – she’s a hot blonde and makes him hard as rock. Heh. But Tina screams and passes out a lot, so it’s very easy for the need-for-snail-speed mummy to pick her up and walk into the ocean for a little skinny dipping.

Curse of the Faceless Man

And here’s where Curse of the Faceless Man (1958) has its best, albeit short, moment: he starts to dissolve when immersed in sea water! Granted, he looks like freshness expired pie dough over-rolled in discount flour. But dang if he doesn’t start turning to Alka-Seltzer™ when the water reaches his swimsuit area. It was either gonna be that or sink to the bottom of the ocean because hey – MADE OF STONE!

Curse of the Faceless Man

The movie moves as slow as Quintillus and the scares come in the form of realizing he’s not the Etruscan gladiator slave he once was, but reduced to nothing more than what the volcano shardded.

New York – A Killer Vacation Destination

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Resurrected by an underwater electrical cable (a good source of power and vitamins for the dead), Jason Voorhees, the unstoppable hockey-masked serial killer is nearly showroom ready YET AGAIN. A believable though predictable beginning for Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989).

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

A boat load of dumbass high school dumbasses are pleasure boating up the coast to go spread their dumbassery around New York. Jason loves boats (kyaks in particular), so he grabs hold of the S.S. Scream ’n Die’s anchor and gets a Lyft™.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes ManhattanWhat few survivors left escape by row, row, rowing the rest of the way to New York, where Jason follows. Strolling the well-littered streets of Manhattan, Jason punches a mouthy gangbanger so hard, his head comes clean off. A bit dramatic, but hey, JV was just excited to be anywhere except Crystal Lake for a change.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

In town with a few days to kill (heh), Jason takes in the sights: Times Square, the sewer system (kind of the same thing), and a nightclub (he skated without paying cover). The movie’s ongoing joke is that one of horror’s most prolific killing machines could walk mostly unnoticed among the city’s jaded residents.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Jason gets a taste of New York hospitality when toxic waste is poured into the sewer and his flesh dissolves like Alka-Seltzer™ after a long night killin’ it in the City That Never Sleeps. (He’ll be back.)

Say what you will about the Big Apple – you can’t get this kind of entertainment in Los Angeles.