Archive for alcohol

Not My Earth

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Not of This Earth

Even though he’s not from this Earth (or any other Earths for that matter, “Mr. Johnson” is a creepy old man with dark glasses who needs constant blood transfusions. Kinda like looking into a mirror. If he doesn’t get said body beverage, his juice will turn into dust and he’ll become not unlike powered Kool-Aid™.

Not of This Earth

So what the flippin’ flap? Why can’t Mr. Johnson get his own dang blood from his own dang planet? For starters, his home world of Davanna (that sounds so made up) has been flash mobbed by nuclear war. Looks like Republicans exist on other worlds as well. Old Man Johnson is here to test our blood to see if it’ll help keep his fellow Johnsons from going double extinct.

Not of This Earth

Johnson uses telekinesis and eyeless eyeballs to command people to do his bidding, like his doctor, for instance. He even manages to talk Nadine, the doc’s sassy/hot nurse, into moving in to his multi-roomed house to give him nightly blood transfusions. He has a young male assistant/driver to round up park bums with the promise of alcohol for experimental purposes and different “phases” of his program. Free booze or not, you don’t want to be one of his experiments — they end up in the basement furnace. Party foul — that’s where recyclables go.

Not of This Earth

With human firewood missing all over town, the cops are closing in. Johnson unleashes a flying umbrella brain sucking creature that lands on your head and sucks out your brains. That’s kinda cool, but does it hold up in the rain?

Not of This Earth

Seconds before Johnson can remote-control Nadine into an experiment, the cops close in and turn on the sirens to make the car chase scene more official. Before they can shoot him in the umbrella, it’s the blaring alarm that causes Johnson to crash AND burn. (It was earlier revealed he’s highly sensitive to loud sounds. Guess that’s why aliens aren’t into metal. Pity.)

Not of This Earth

Final note: Not of This Earth (1957) is in black and white, so all those bottles of “blood” in Johnson’s fridge might very well be powdered Kool-Aid™.

Stoned Cold

Posted in Bigfoot, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead of Winter

In Dead of Winter (aka, Lost Signal/2006), college sweethearts Kevin and Tiffany (they’re in luv) go to a New Year’s Eve house party, snort some crystal meth and do a shot of what they thought was cold and refreshing alcohol. The flavorful drink was laced with LSD. If you’ve ever wanted to know what happens when you mix LSD with crystal meth, the results are pretty much what you’d expect – your head turns inside out and encores with you sh*tting your pants in front of friends and relatives.

Dead of Winter

Driving home in the snow, Kevin hallucinates a mysterious old man in the back seat of his car. They stop, leap out of the vehicle and bolt for the woods. (Note: It’s called Tanglewoods for a reason.) Freezing and tripping or “re-imagining reality,” both become extremely paranoid, all of which is complicated by the onset of cold and refreshing hypothermia.

Dead of Winter

They manage a call 9-1-1, but they’re so lost in the woods, only tracker bears and maybe vampire owls could find them. Attempting to get inside the cab of a snow plow, the darn thing comes to life and chases Kevin down, who loses a shoe in the process. (Note to self: socks are worthless in snow.)

Dead of Winter

Kevin and Tiffany find a small shed and plan to ride out the night in there. Instantly, the shack shakes like it was being drum soloed by Bigfoot. Demonic voices whisper evil things. Kevin starts freaking out on Tiffany and decides she needs to be killed into portion appropriate cubes, and chases her to an unoccupied house.

Lost Signal

The silly gal manages to lock him out and he figures out a way in, applying the Santa Claus methodology. Most of the movie is just Kev and Tif running around in the freezing cold and freaking out. The “shock” ending is actually quite stock and should be largely ignored.

So the message here is don’t do drugs in the snow. Save ’em for a nice and warm sunny beach where there aren’t any ghost snow plows around for miles.

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Creatures Sharing Features

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Indigenous

Ardent fan of creature features. Think it has something to do with alcohol. I’m a big fan of that as well. So imagine my inebriated glee to see two new “nature gone wild” horror movies headed towards my bar stool: Indigenous – a take on the Chupacabra legend (at least I think that’s what it is), and Gitaskog, a fishy horned serpent (at least I think that’s what it is).

Gitaskog

Curiously, both movies (release dates pending) share distinctive (i.e., photocopied) ingredients, the first of which is the employment of folklore creatures. But there’s more than that. You may proceed…

Indigenous: “Five friends travel from Los Angeles to exotic Panama for a week of partying in the lush tropical paradise…”

Gitaskog: “Five friends embark on a camping trip to sacred Native territory…”

Indigenous: “They learn of a secret jungle hike to a pristine waterfall nearby and are cautioned strongly against the hike, warning that other gringos in search of the legendary waterfall had mysteriously disappeared into the jungle, never to be seen or heard from again. Ignoring the warnings…”

Gitaskog: “They are warned to stay away. When they choose to ignore the warning…”

Indigenous

Indigenous: “As night closes in, the friends realize too late the truth behind the warnings – horrific, bloodthirsty, flesh-eating creatures are now stalking them…”

Gitaskog: “They are confronted with strange occurrences, seductive apparitions, vengeful locals and a deadly behemoth. Their weekend of fun becomes a descent into Hell…”

Gitaskog

It appears both movies were written by the same person. I care not, because hey – creatures! And we all know what goes good with creaturesalcohol, an ingredient necessary for the betterment of every horror movie.

How To Make A Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

How To Make A MonsterIf you ever wanted to know how to make a monster without alcohol, then How To Make A Monster, released in 1958, is your ticket. Warning: Like sweet refreshing booze, this might mess with your mind: a monster movie about making monster movies. I know, right? I’m being forced to question my own existence over that one.

How To Make A Monster

In this semi-horror classic, Pete Dumond, chief make-up artist for American International Studios, has been creating monsters for the big scream for 25 years. That is, until stupid NBC came in and bought the place, putting two East Coast a-holes in charge. Here’s the b*tch of it all – they want to make comedies and musicals instead of monsters. How dare the both of them?

How To Make A Monster

This puts Dumond and his makeup kit out on the street. Good – that gives him plenty of time to implement a rather ingenious revenge agenda: to get the exact monsters he’s created to do his murderous bidding. Brilliant, I say out loud.

How To Make A MonsterDumond mixes some brain anesthetizing gunk into the makeup he applies to his two teenage movie stars, Larry Drake and Tony Mantell, who play a teenage werewolf and a teenage Frankenstein. Once numb and number, Dumond hypnotizes the boys into doing dirty deeds, like killing off the East Coast a-holes. Did I not say brilliant out loud in the previous paragraph?

How To Make A Monster

But why stop at two a-holes when the movie studio is full of ’em? Eventually the bloody, clue-ridden trail leads police back to Dumond’s place, which he’s fashioned into a museum of monster mask props that he calls his “children.” Okay, a little wackadoo, but his skills are not to be openly mocked.

How To Make A Monster

Before the cops can get there to double arrest him, Dumond, who lured his unsuspecting creature teen killers there, is about to make his final curtain call when the curtains – and Dumond himself – catch on fire, thanks to a handy lit candelabra meant for design and ambiance purposes.

I WAs A Teenage Werewolf / I WAs A Teenage Frankenstein

How To Make A Monster uses the same monster makeup that was used in I Was A Teenage Werewolf and I Was A Teenage Frankenstein, both released in 1957. Cooler still are the actual movie masks on Dumond’s wall of flame: It Conquered the World (1956), Invasion of the Saucer Men (1956), The She-Creature (1956) and Attack of the Puppet People (1958).

Is it too much to say brilliant out loud one more time? I think not.

Guilt in the Time of Dragons

Posted in Fantasy, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Shamer's Daughter

Fantasy horror flick The Shamer’s Daughter (i.e., Skammeren’s Datter) was released in Denmark back in March, 2015. I couldn’t find a bus that could get me there, so I missed the bus on that one.

Then Shamer was premiered at the 2015 Fantasia festival in Montreal last summer. Still no bus. Is it just my imagination, or does public transit not want me to see this period piece involving medieval dragons, witches and a throne that needs to be sat on? Conspiracy theories aside, I think we all know the answer here.

The Shamer's Daughter

Like waiting for a bus that never comes, I’ll just have to twiddle my thumbs even more for The Shamer’s Daughter to come out on VHS cassette tape. Or VOD. And here’s why my patience – which is running thin – will pay off…

The Shamer's Daughter

“The Shamer’s daughter, Dina, has unwillingly inherited her mother’s supernatural ability – she can look straight into the soul of other people, making them feel ashamed of themselves. In a semi-realistic medieval fantasy world with dragons and witchcraft, Dina and her family are thrown into the adventure of a lifetime in order to put the rightful heir to the Kingdom of Dunark.”

The Shamer's Daughter

For the record, I don’t need to have some stinky Renaissance fair chick peep into what’s left of my soul to make me feel ashamed of myself. Alcohol does that just fine, thank you.

P.S. I’m the rightful heir to the Kingdom of Dunark. That’s what the downtrodden villagers at yon Poggie Tavern call me. Better credentials are not needed.

Nature Eats You – And Likes It

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crocodile

A recipe for fun: a handful of obnoxious teens on Spring Break, alcohol, and a houseboat on a lake that harbors a PMS-ing, super-sized crocodile. Seems the croc’s eggs have been made into omelets by some local hicks, thereby fanning the flames of her discontent.

Crocodile

One of the teens finds an unbroken egg and sticks it up the backpack of a hot chick who won’t take her clothes off. Everywhere she goes, so goeth the croc (whose name is Flat Dog, according to local legend). The beast itself is computer generated and isn’t altogether menacing. Its breath, however, is another story. It also pulls a Free Willy and jumps (!) over a boat. Then it turns around and eats half the pleasure craft, along with the motor, occupants, and life-saving devices. Yum.

Crocodile

Predictably, several teens get chomped upon (graphically enough to warrant a quick rewind); but no one gets naked, no one has sex, and everybody runs around b*tching and screaming like they were in the Blair Witch Project (1999).

Crocodile

The best scene has the croc gulping down a teen whole, then throwing him up later – intact and unscathed, save for a bunch of crocodile stomach goop all over his face and skateboarder street wear.

Crocodile’s (2000) tally: passable gore, toothless special effects, painful acting. Final score: gator 8 (or “ate” – heh), viewer 0.

Go Ask Alyce

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alyce Kills

Alyce is young, hot, drunk and uses the F-word as if it were an adjective, as does her equally young, hot, drunk and gutter-mouthed BFF girlfriend. Sexually liberated with boyfriends that cheat on them, they proceed to get drunk, flirt with expanding the parameters of their friendship (ahem), and get inebrated even more on the roof of their downtown apartment building. All is fun and F-words until… OOPS! The girlfriend took the express way down.

Alyce Kills

Alyce, overwhelmed with guilt (it was an accident – or so she says), lies to the police about what happened. It’s one thing to give your soulmate flying lessons, but another issue entirely to be untruthful to the Law. Amazingly, the BFF survived the drop in altitude and is in the hospital with a Frankenstein’d face. Can’t have her recovering and spilling the truth beans. So she has to try, try again because at first she didn’t succeed. And thus starts Alyce’s descent into guilt-driven drug abuse, sex abuse and all the ancillary depravity that goes with it.

Alyce Kills

Alyce Kills (2011) is grim and mesmerizing in the same way when you see a car sliding on ice towards the edge of a bridge. But it isn’t until the last astonishing 20 minutes where this thing goes into OMG territory. Armed with a baseball bat, a chef’s grade knife, a meat cleaver, a hacksaw, a blender, a microwave and a handy pistol, Alyce balances the crazy scale by resolving issues with her girlfriend’s brother and that wasted drug dealer who made her submit an oral exam on his front pocket area, and anyone standing in her way. (I’m looking in your direction drug dealer’s friends.)

Alyce Kills

And just when you think it couldn’t get anymore entertaining, it’s the last word that comes out of her mouth that puts a nice exclamation point on her newfound personality. I’ve said that same word a one hundred million times, but not nearly with the same effect. Alyce kills, indeed.