Archive for Alaska

Dine ’n Dash Dinosaur

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wyvern

The ink blot-sized coastal town of Beaver Mills is located in Alaska, due north of the Arctic Circle. This suggests they have the coldest beer on Earth. It also means the sun doesn’t set for the summer solstice (sorry, vampires). And that means the ice caps are melting, releasing the Jurassic contents therein.

Wyvern

A flying lizard dragon known as the Wyvern (dumb name) thaws out and is expectedly peckish. Time for some take out — a fisherman, the town doctor, a redneck… It’s okay to eat junk food every once in a while — just remember to floss.

Wyvern

Once the town’s screaming citizens find out they’re on the Wyvern’s fresh sheet, it’s time to change their soiled britches and make a plan to kill the beast, which has been killing/eating everyone out in the woods, on the highway, and hiding in laughably ironic restaurants.

Wyvern

Someone discovers the Wyvern has laid eggs in the woods and the plan is to use them as bait to murder the all-you-can-eat monster. A showdown between a diesel truck outfitted with Wyvern omelettes and the mad-flapping creature ends in the end of all things prehistoric and 18-wheels.

Wyvern

Wyvern (2009), part of the Man-Eater series, has all the formulaic elements required for a sub-budget SyFy™ Channel time-waster: cliched characters with guns going off left and right, collateral damage and a poorly designed/digitally rendered monster that looks more suited to a video game from 1985 than a TV screen. And while there’s a couple of good gore scenes (bye-bye, arm, head, leg), this thing belongs back in the freezer.

Alien Walkie-Talkie, Alaskan Ghosts, Chick Werewolf

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Journals

“If these are intelligent beings from outer space, they couldn’t be too intelligent if they’re visiting the planet Earth.”

Truer words were never spoken. This statement comes from the 1978 documentary, UFO Journals, which is (and this is gonna sound oxymoronic), one of the more weird and wackified treatments of the flying saucer phenomenon.

It starts with some narrator yappin’ bible verses, then goes into a bunch of stock footage of NASA rockets, then — and these are my two favorite parts — a guy with impeccably blow-dried and styled hair going into an eye-rolling trance and channeling communications from an alien in a different solar system. And he does it with a cartoon-y robotic voice. Then there’s a New Age spiritual guide who whips out a harmonica and a shot glass and entertains us with his skills while we contemplate WTF it is we’re watching. This is on Amazon Prime™ in case you need more wackified fulfillment about UFOs in your robotic, restricted-to-Earth life.

And speaking of things to enlighten you, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV shows to channel on your channel…

Three Tears on Bloodstained Flesh

THREE TEARS ON BLOODSTAINED FLESH (August 8, 2017/DVD)
“A man with a dark past returns to bury his niece Lexie. Dragging his troubled daughter Kendall, he simultaneously reunites with his estranged sister, Stella and reignites a past rivalry with the corrupt town sheriff. Dominic begins digging around the town, and uncovers the town’s dark secrets, which include a mysterious cult, a supernatural curse, a masked killer, and a very high body count.”

Reunite and reignite. Maybe the masked killer is a pyromaniac. Wondering what the supernatural curse could be? Maybe it’s because the guy buried his niece before she quit breathing the town’s dark secret air.

Red Christmas

RED CHRISTMAS (October 17, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“The stressed-out mother of a squabbling family are gathered together in a remote Outback estate on Christmas Eve. When a mysterious, deformed young man named Cletus appears at their door, things soon change from petty insults to bloody, imaginatively orchestrated violence as she attempts to protect her family from the vengeful intruder. The film deliriously infuses comedy, dark family secrets with outlandish gore and adds the always controversial subject of abortion in its blood-stained mix.”

Wow, they actually named someone Cletus. I guess when you live in the remote Outback, you do whatever honks your didgeridoo. I like the outlandish gore part, though. It better not involve kangaroos (the locals call them “‘roos”). Those things can eat your face right off your face.

Ghost Wars

GHOST WARS (SyFy Channel/2017)
“Set in a remote Alaskan town that has been overrun by paranormal forces, the series focuses on local outcast Roman Mercer who must overcome the town’s prejudices and his own personal demons if he’s to harness his repressed psychic powers and save everyone from the mass haunting that’s threatening to destroy them all.”

While I do like the title of this series, the trailer looks very paranormal stock and doesn’t really sell one on the subject. Maybe if they added a kangaroo…

Betsy

BETSY (2018)
“After surviving a vicious assault in the city, Betsy moves to the country in hopes of starting over, but as she begins to recover, something begins clawing its way into the moonlight.”

They give it away with “clawing” and “moonlight”; Betsy is a raccoon! Man, I feel sorry for anyone who tries to pet her. Those things will eat your hand right off your hand.

Alien Cats, Magic Boxes, Natural Disasters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Cats From Mars

Doing my taxes while watching horror movies. Kinda the same thing. And like my taxes, here’s some upcoming horror movies you won’t get a refund after watching…

ZOMBIE CATS FROM MARS (February 14, 2017/DVD)
“Billy is a fan of vintage science fiction action thrillers. His only friend is Cameron, a nerdy film buff who tries to boost his confidence whenever he can. After seeing a UFO land, Billy retreats into his head, imagining that aliens are taking over the town. Cameron is skeptical, as is the rest of the town. Meanwhile, people are starting to die. Meanwhile, the killings continue. Billy, wrapped up in a world of fiction, discovers a story in which Martian Cats land on Earth and inflict horror upon the town.”

Great. Alien cats using Earth as a litter box. Still, kitty cats flying around in UFOs — that’s kinda cute. But like all things feline, they soon wear out their welcome. My solution for Billy is to go get Fluffy, that giant, three-headed slobbering dog from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) to go all Cujo on ‘em.

Don't Kill It

DON’T KILL IT (March 3, 2017/VOD)
“An ancient evil is unleashed in a small Alaskan town leaving a trail of death and destruction as it passes from host to host. The only hope of survival lies with a grizzled demon hunter who has faced this terror before. Together with a reluctant FBI agent he has to figure out how to destroy a demon with the ability to possess its killer.”

Sounds a LOT like The Hidden (1987), i.e.: “An alien parasite with the ability to possess human bodies goes on a violent crime spree in Los Angeles. A human cop, Detective Beckett, and an alien cop posing as a young FBI agent Gallagher both pursue the parasite who frequently changes his human hosts.”

The Hidden

All they did was change locations and say that the alien parasite is YET ANOTHER ancient evil whoozit. While I’m not an alien (that I know of) or born of ancient evil (maybe a little), it’d be cool to be able to switch bodies. Just think of how many restaurants you could dine ‘n dash. Sweet!

Wish Upon

WISH UPON (June 30, 2017)
“17 year-old Clare Shannon is bullied in high school, embarrassed by her manic, hoarder father Jonathan and ignored by her longtime crush. All that changes when her father comes home with an old music box whose inscription promises to grant its owner seven wishes. While Clare is initially skeptical of this magic box, she can’t help but be seduced by its dark powers, and is thrilled as her life radically improves with each wish.”

“Clare finally has the life she’s always wanted and everything seems perfect — until the people closest to her begin dying in violent and elaborate ways after each wish. Clare realizes that she must get rid of the box, but finds herself unable and unwilling to part with her new-and-improved life — leading her down a dark and dangerous path.”

If I had a magic box that granted me wishes but left people bereft of life as a consequence, would I continue to use it? Only until the wishes were used up. (Sorry people closest to me — that in-ground swimming pool ain’t gonna build itself.)

The Quake

THE QUAKE (August 2018/Norway)
“Inspired by a 1904 earthquake in Oslo. Rather than embracing the ‘disaster porn’ aesthetic of films like San Andreas (2015), Norway’s The Wave (2015) was wonderfully restrained; the effects took a back seat to the human emotion, making it one of the best disaster movies to come along in recent years.”

Not much else to say about the ground shaking like Godzilla’s busted washing machine. I do, however, have a kicker line ready for ‘em. (Please deposit bit coins into my account to use it): The Quake — It’ll Crack You Up. I should be a millionaire. P.S. Wonder if they’ll name the sequel, The Quisp. Heh.

Ghosts, Voodoo and Ex-Wives

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blackburn

I just figured this out the other day — it’ll take me 120 years to watch every horror/sci-fi movie ever made. And that’s IF Hollywood and all these do-it-yourself Scorceses stop making more of ’em right now; I don’t think I have much more than another 120 years left in me.

BLACKBURN (available now)
“A forest fire and rock-slide trap five bickering college friends in a small Alaskan ghost town with a horrifying history. When they seek refuge inside the torched ruins of Blackburn Asylum, they must fight to survive as the angry inhabitants slaughter the friends one-by-one.”

This one came out in the UK last September (2015, if you’re entering this in some sort of blog log). Why they got it before my zip code is a stunning affront to my community standing as a dumbass horror movie fanatic. Blackburn is another “ghosts in an abandoned insane asylum” story. On second thought, the UK can keep it as I’ve seen that SAME MOVIE 150,000 times. Give or take.

Voodoo

VOODOO (February 24, 2017)
“Dani, an innocent southern girl, is vacationing in Los Angeles to evade her increasingly complicated life. Once Dani arrives in L.A., she learns that trying to escape her past is not as easy as she had hoped.”

Makes you wonder what an “innocent southern girl” did that was so f’d up as to run away to Los Angeles, home of f’d up people with bad pasts, presents and futures. I bet as part of her chores she forgot to milk a cow and it exploded. Now there’s a movie I could get into.

The Ninth Passenger

THE NINTH PASSENGER (2017)
“There are eight partying college students aboard the luxury yacht owned by an evil biotechnology CEO, who’s the father of one of the passengers. The trip goes sideways when they drift to a dark island and both their engine and radio fail. At the same time “something” sneaks onto the yacht — the ninth passenger.”

Could the ninth passenger be an island seal with a penchant for human flesh? We eat seals, so it’s only fair they get a shot at our blubber for a change. Too bad the boat isn’t loaded with Eskimos; that’d be some epic payback.

Red Net

RED NET (2017)
“Internet hackers are looking for a missing man, but what they find are shocking videos in which a man is questioned and severely tortured by two mysterious women.”

Gonna toss this out there: They’re both his ex-wives. If so, the poor guy is beyond doomed.

Vampire Vitamins

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frostbitten

Back in the good ’ol days of 1944, Waffen SS – a German military squad – under superior fire power from Allied Forces, retreat into the winter-frozen woods (cowards), and end up in a cabin that, even though empty, had a boiling pot on the fire. Instantly, everyone starts looking for three bears.

Frostbitten

Not finding any, they warm their cowardly bones and take turns snoring. Then someone addresses the mystery: The snow outside was packed against the door, which they had to yank to get open. So where are the tenants?

Frostbitten

Perfect timing — something comes out of the darkness and eats one guy’s head in half. More are attacked, with one falling into the basement, where they find more mutilated bodies and a small coffin, the contents of which are trying to get out. The soldiers bury it, go “Whew!,” and jump 60 years into the future.

Frostbitten

A medical mom and her 17 year-old daughter are moving to Norrbotten, a small Lapland town, to put that nasty divorce behind ’em. Two things: I didn’t hear her husband’s side of the story (maybe she was a power nag and he couldn’t take it anymore), and there’s something sucking the neck nectar out of the town’s pets and late-night walking residents.

Frostbitten

So how does the first part and this part hook up? It’s kind of a stretch, but plausible when you find out one of the soldiers, who is now a prominent research doctor, was bitten by the vampire that attacked his troops, and he himself is One Of Them. Initially, he tried to find a cure. Only thing that can cure vampirism is a nice stake dinner. Then he gets the idea to enhance his vampiric powers, and develops a red pill (made so with food coloring) to kick it into overdrive. Think of it as a vampire vitamin.

Frostbitten

Once some partying med students get their hands on the drug, all heck breaks loose. Why? Because the pill turns standard-issue humans into vampires. Imagine the look on their faces after drinking party punch with a bunch of vampire pills dumped into the festive beverage. Some good moments, like when the doctor reveals his innermost suck. (He looks all brown and leathery, like an old baseball mitt and/or the bat-human in 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula.)

Frostbitten

One guy, who took the pill because he thought it would get him high, can now hear animals talk to him. A dog laughs and tells him he’s gonna burn. Funny stuff. Then there’s the live rabbit-eating scene. Then the party gets out of control, with vampiric teens climbing the walls — literally. The gore is as tasty as fresh rabbit stew, and the sub-plot, while not really taking off, is enough to hold things together until they can be torn apart.

Frostbitten

If you’re thinking this all sounds familiar, refer to 30 Days of Night (2007), where vampires take over a small Alaskan oil town where the sun won’t be coming for a month. Same seasonal phenomenon in Frostbitten (aka, Frostbite, Frostbiten/2006). Not bad, though, for a film with sub-titles and baseball mitt textured vampires.

This Bear Is Grizzly

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unnatural

Like comfort food for the eyes, there’s nothin’ like a good ‘ol “nature strikes back” horror movie to reinforce why hiking/camping is not good for you, and that sitting on the couch watching hikers/campers being torn apart by our woodland friends is very good for you.

Because of that, can’t wait for Unnatural (2015), a heartwarming story about a massive, genetically altered bear, possibly polar in nature, to light up my couch life.

Unnatural

Part of After Dark’s 8 Films to Die For (hitting theaters October, 2015), Unnatural takes us into snack canyon: “A morally ambiguous corporation experiments with genetic modification resulting in the advent of a bloodthirsty man hunting creature. When it escapes, a group of unsuspecting Alaskan Natives and their inexperienced guests, which includes a high maintenance celebrity photographer and a pair of models, become prey for the abomination in a horrifying game of cat and mouse.”

Into The Grizzly Maze

It may be coincidence, but Unnatural comes in the wake of Into The Grizzly Maze, another rampaging giant bear movie just released in February 2015. Unfortunately, it only got a two-star rating. How can that be? Bears eating humans should automatically get four stars.

The Night of the Grizzly / Prophecy

There have been bear eating humans movies for decades. Two standouts are The Night of the Grizzly (1966) and Prophecy (1979). Both made me stain my britches. Two not standouts are Grizzly Rage (part of RHI Entertainment’s man-eater series, which came out in 2007) and Grizzly Park (2008). Both sucked huckleberries.

Bear

For a superior bear attack horror movie, though, give the simply titled Bear (2011) a spin. That one will make your fur stand on end and possibly cause you to stain your britches. As for me, been there, done that.

Squid Rock

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tentacles of the Deep

As a 12 year-old boy, Ray watched his mom and dad get eaten by a Kraken (aka, giant squid), plucked off the boat and ripped into pieces of something that could be fried in tempura batter and served with dipping sauce and a napkin (cloth or paper – your choice).

Tentacles of the Deep

Fast forward to however how old he is now, Ray is on the hunt for the multi-tentacled beast to share his feelings about how wrong it was for Kracky to just eat his parents without asking.

Kraken – Tentacles of the Deep

Good for everyone involved is that Nicole, a supermodel marine archaeologist who wears a science bikini, and with the help of another stunningly smart blonde in a mico-swimsuit, dives among Alaskan sunken boat wrecks in search of a Trojan war mask. She’s been looking for it for years – and this time she finds it within the movie’s first 15 minutes. How lucky is that?

Kraken – Tentacles of the Deep

Boatless Ray looks like Huey Lewis and smooth talks his way onto Nicole’s science barge, where he assists in finding the elusive treasure. But Ray cares not for oversized decorative body wear – he’s out for hard-core fishy justice served up movie star style.

Kraken – Tentacles of the Deep

This would be child’s play were it not for the giant digital squid guarding the treasure. But does that stop everyone from diving down into murky depths to get it? Nope. Do people get eaten by the squid in less time than it takes one to make a sandwich? Yep. Does Nicole show her flotation devices? Nope. Did that make me upset? Yep. Did I like Kraken – Tentacles of the Deep (2006)? Nope.