Godzilla Burns For You, Ghost Maid, Wood God

Tripped across an unboxing of Spiral Studios’ Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition (ST-BGS003) while looking for porn, I mean, healthy eating videos. I’ve seen a ton of porn, I mean, monster model de-boxings, but this one was so good, I had to go wash my hands afterward. Ahem. 

In the video the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition is assembled and plugged in to mind-dissolving effect. The model measures out at 20.1 x 14.3 x 34.6 inches, is made of translucent resin, and the detailing is microscopic. Better still, the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Deluxe Edition (DX-BGS004), featuring Godzilla sporting Mothra’s energy wings, making the specs a staggering 41.4 x 39.8 x 37.87 inches. More awesomeness: the model sits on a stand atop an obliterated Boston.

The Standard Edition costs $1,449.99 (buy it here) and the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series Deluxe Edition is $2,399.99 (buy it here). Heads up — both are limited to several hundred pieces, so don’t dawdle (sorry — word of the day calendar).

So while we bemoan thew fact we may not have enough left in our retirement accounts (ahem), visit Spiral Studios and check out their Mothra Larva, Queen Muto, Titanus Behemoth and Godzilla Legacy figures. In the meantime, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as healthy eating videos…

SLEEPING BEAUTIES / Out now (Tubi™)

“Cahya gets a job as a maid working in an isolated old mansion. Pregnant and a recent widow, she is desperate to reconnect with her husband, opening a doorway to the spirit world. And in doing so, inadvertently awakens the tormented ghosts of her current employer, the previous maids.”

An isolated mansion? A doorway to the spirit world? Tormented ghosts? A rewarding careering in maiding? Where the hell do I apply?

CREEPYPASTA / May 23, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Trapped in an abandoned house, a young man desperately searches for clues to how he got there. The answer is hidden within a series of disturbing viral videos — each of which begins to infect his mind.”

Sound more like Crappypasta.

THE ERL KING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a young woman from a strict, colonial village suddenly finds herself seduced by an ancient woodland god, she falls into a fantastical romance that quickly threatens to consume her.”

This is a remake of the 1931 movie of the same name, although back then it was titled Le roi des aulnes. That’s all French to me.

SHAKY SHIVERS / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“Two young women find themselves facing a series of supernatural occurrences after a fateful encounter with an old woman. As zombies, werewolves and Bigfoot wreak havoc, the duo must navigate a wild night, armed with an unfamiliar spell book, to restore order before their lives unravel completely.”

Zombies, werewolves AND Bigfoot? I need to call the Academy™ and get this thing nominated.

Godzilla: A Star Is Born, Monster Box Social, Brutally Honest Santa

Go fix your makeup, Andromeda; tighten up a notch, Orion’s Belt; go refill your water bucket, Aquarius — there’s literally a new star in town…GODZILLA!

The Hollywood gossip sheets are true for a change — NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration and home to a lot of lab coat wearers) has bestowed a heavenly distinction to Godzilla by being named a new constellation. Talk about dancing with the stars.

How NASA, the Academy Awards of Space, came to the conclusion that Godzilla needed his own Walk of Fame in the Galaxies: “Most of the gamma-ray sources visible in the Godzilla constellation are actually AGN, as are more than half the gamma-ray ‘stars’ Fermi has cataloged to date.

“Gamma-ray jets also occur in other types of astrophysical systems. When a massive star runs out of fuel and collapses under its own weight, or when two orbiting neutron stars spiral together and merge, a new black hole — and high-speed jets — may form. The result is a gamma-ray burst, the most powerful explosion in the cosmos. These monstrous blasts, which occur somewhere in the distant universe every day or so according to observations by Fermi’s Gamma-ray Burst Monitor, would make even Godzilla envious.”

While we congratulate Godzilla on becoming the Universe’s newest bad Gamma Jamma, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be visible as your black hole, son…

MONSTER PARTY (November 2, 2018)
“Three thieves plan a daring heist posing as waiters at a fancy Malibu mansion dinner party in hopes of paying off an urgent debt. When their plan goes horribly wrong, the trio realizes the dinner guests are not as innocent as they seem and their simple cash grab becomes a violent and desperate battle to get out of the house alive.”

The irony here being that if the criminals posed as waiters a rich people party, they could’ve easily earned enough tips to pay off their debt. This is why criminals are so STUPID.

SECRET SANTA (November 5, 2018/UK)
“A Christmas Eve gathering takes an unexpected turn after a family guest spikes the punch with a military grade version of truth serum sodium pentothal. The already dysfunctional group comes unstuck in a blizzard of drug-induced, painfully candid outbursts, and upset soon turns to carnage after the head of the family runs amok with a fork, triggering festering loathings and savage reprisals.”

This sounds pretty fun/funny, except they really didn’t need to spike the punch with military-grade sodium pentothal to get everybody to go all truth or dare on each other. Eight or nine easily-purchased cans/bottles/cartons of beer achieves the same results — and at a much lower cost to you, the truthful consumer.

ESCAPE ROOM (January 4, 2019)
“Six strangers find themselves in circumstances beyond their control and must use their wits to find the clues or die.”

This sounds like a “copyright infringement homage” to Cube (1997) and Nine Dead (2009). If I had to use my wits to save my own life, you might as well go shopping for tombstones.

HAPPY DEATH DAY 2 U (February 14, 2019)
“This time, our hero Tree Gelbman discovers that dying over and over was surprisingly easier than the dangers that lie ahead.”

Didn’t see the first one (I forget what it was called). So a guy who dies over and over. Isn’t that called a typical work week? And who the heck names their kid “Tree”? I guess that makes his mom a tree hugger. After this movie, he’ll be branching out. I bet he pines after his ex. Strong chance he wakes up with morning wood. I can do this all day.

Award Winning Alien

Alien: Covenant (2017) hasn’t come out as of this e-blogging, but its already won numerous awards. The latest key art was named “Best Reason To Crap Your Pants With Glee,” along with “Best Reason To Not Die Until The Movie Comes Out on May 19, 2017,” and the coveted “Best Romantic Date Night” movie.

These, of course, are the awards I’m giving Alien: Covenant. I have no doubts that come the Academy Awards in 2018 that the movie will be a clean sweep in all divisions, including the category of “Best Foreign Organism.”

I can’t wait to see a Xenomorph come up on stage to receive the first of many Oscar trophies. Let’s hope he acid sneezes all over the front row audience.

Godzilla = Winzilla

With a mere four Oscars™, the gore slasher flick La La Land (2016) has nothing on Shin Godzilla (2016), which stomped away with SEVEN Japan Academy Prizes in Tokyo on March 2, 2017.

Besides pocketing over $72 million fun coupons, which converts to over eight BILLION yen, Shin Godzilla snagged the awards for Best Picture and Best Director. I should’ve been for nominated for Best Fan. Since Godzilla has so many awards, maybe he’ll let me have one. That, or scrunch me into sidewalk paste.

And to make your day even better than it was before you read that last sentence, Shin Godzilla is releasing here in the States on March 22, 2017. There’s a plus and minus to this joyous news: Comicbook.com reports that it won’t contain English sub-titles. (Toho™, who owns every radioactive/copyrighted particle of Godzilla’s DNA, is notorious for this jerk maneuver.)

However, Funimation™, located in Flower Mound, Texas (that town name sounds naughty for some reason), will be releasing Shin Godzilla with all the pronounceable bells and whistles in October of 2017. The price? Who cares? It’s Godzilla, man! Even at eight billion yen, it’ll still be a bargain.

And the Award Goes To…Godzilla!

Add an Oscar to Godzilla’s list of accomplishments. It was just announced Shin Godzilla (2016) has been nominated for Best Picture in the Japanese Academy Awards (aka, The Japan Academy Prize). Okay, so Godzilla hasn’t won it yet, but how could it not happen? For those of us lucky enough to have seen it, Shin Godzilla is the Citizen Kane (1941) of giant monster movies.

Besides being the highest-grossing live-action Japanese movie of 2016, Shin Godzilla racked up a staggering 11 nominations in all: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Music, Best Cinematography, Best Art Direction, Best Lighting Direction, Best Sound Recording and Best Film Editing. They left out one: Best Poop Yer Pants Awesome Destruction and Mayhem.

Even though the Japanese Academy Award/Prize trophy looks like a coffee table leg, it’ll sit nicely atop Godzilla’s fireplace, which just happens to be all of Tokyo.

Unfortunately, we here in the States will have to wait until later in 2017 to get the movie on a variety of viewing platforms. I’ll no doubt buy them all. Twice.