Archive for 4th of July

’70s Horror, Spanish Exorcisms, Funeral Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Was perusing Flashbak’s™ comprehensive dissertation (sorry — word of the day calendar) on 15 Reasons The 1970s Were The Best Decade In Horror Cinema. Unlike this blog, the article, written by Yeoman Lowbrow (fake or not, great name), is extremely well researched, and presents a detailed argument to support the claim.

Key to the thesis is the poster art for such lurid gems as I Spit On Your Grave (1978), Love Exorcist (1975) and The Toolbox Murders (1978), to must see feel-good movies as The Sinful Dwarf (1973), Nude For Satan (1974), and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile (1974). It was the gloriously gruesome art that first drew me down horror movie’s dark path I’m currently still trying to find my way off of. (Okay, not really.)

Sub-topic examples go from The Grit (genuine grime), What’s a Taboo? (pre-political correctness), Promotional Gimmicks (barf bags), Euro-Horror (La Orgia Nocturna De Los Vampires/1972, La Noche De Los Diablos/1972), Occult-Gone-Wild (The Omen/1976, The Sentinel/1977, Alucarda/1978), as well as Slow-Burn Horror, A Sequel-Free World and Nudity Aplenty (horror and boobies go together like beer and nachos ).

While you abandon the cart that is Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ and bounce on over to Flashbak’s™ encyclopedic essay (click down on it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as spitting on graves and/or taking off your pants in the name of evil…  

LA EXORCISTA / Out now (VOD)

“Ofelia, a young nun recently arrived at the town of San Ramon, is forced to perform an exorcism on a pregnant woman. Just when it looks like the possession has ended, she discovers that the evil presence has not vanished.”

My mom couldn’t find an exorcist when she was knocked up with me. Dodged that bullet.

JACK FROST / Out now (VOD)

A family is terrorized by Jack Frost, a Christmas demon, and must learn their family’s dark secrets that link to why they are cursed. This Christmas, Jack will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance on those left in the bloodline.”

Christmas sure is lot more evil these days, what with all the evil Christmas trees, evil Santa Clauses, evil Mrs. Santa Clauses, evil elves, evil toys, evil reindeer… Miss the days when I was the most evil thing every Christmas.

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“A holiday craft fair is ground zero for a coven of Satan worshipers who stalk and kidnap a group of locals in their attempt to create a ‘Satanic Nativity’ with occult spells and grisly slayings.”

Apparently Halloween is not enough for Satan worshippers. That community seems to be taking over all our cherished holidays. What’s next — Thanksgiving of the Damned? Malevolent Memorial Day? Villainous Valentine’s? Foul 4th of July? Those Satan loving asshats better not go anywhere near Groundhog’s Day…   

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE / December 2022 (VOD)

“Clara, a struggling, young romance novelist, receives an invitation from her beloved aunt to spend Christmas holidays with her. When she arrives at the secluded countryside cottage, sees that her aunt has a life-sized nutcracker doll by the Christmas tree. Something about the doll unnerves her. That night, at the stroke of midnight, the star on the Christmas tree glows, as do the eyes of the life-size nutcracker. It comes to life and kills a delivery man who has come to the house — and its reign of havoc has only just started…”

Outside of pro wrestling finishing moves, no guy was/is comfortable with the word “nutcracker. Holiday nuts should be fondled, not cracked.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE / December 2022 (Shudder™)

“When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley’s funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.”

I thought a funeral was a death trap. This sounds like an escape room game. Unfortunately, there is no escape room for dying. Yet.

Metaphysical Cowpoke

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jonah Hex

A Union soldier turned ruthless bounty hunter, Jonah Hex had his face turned into a grilled cheese sandwich with a fresh branding iron after helplessly watching Old West terrorist Turnbull roast his wife and son in an indoor campfire.

JOnah Hex

Tied to a stake and about to be turned into a steak, Hex was left to be this week’s daily lunch special for the pigeons. But something mystical happened and he was caught between the land of the living and the land of the dead. These days we call it a work week. Now Hex can talk to the dead simply by touching them — and not just in the bathing suit area.

Jonah hex

Revenge is the word of the day and Hex goes after Turnbull, who has the Nation Killer weapon in his control and plans to blow up Washington on the 4th of July, celebrating its 100th birthday. Pretty much the complete opposite of patriotic. The government needs Hex to stop Turnbull and will pay him to do it. Fight fire with fire. And grilled cheese face sandwiches.

Jonah hex

The action in Jonah Hex (2010), pretty much the cowboy version of The Crow (1994), is frustratingly lackluster given the players and Hex getting his saddle warmer beaten more than once. And Hex’s hooker girlfriend who doesn’t undress for work is nothing short of insubordination. Whoever made this cow pie should be sentenced to clean it up.

Putting a Krampus In Christmas

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 19, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Krampus

For every god there’s a devil. For every Batman there’s a Joker. For every plaid there’s a stripe. For every peanut butter, there’s a jelly. So it stands to reason that for every Santa there’s a Krampus, a sort of evil opposite Santa Claus. And because of that, the Krampus makes for great horror movie fodder.

Krampus

Arriving just in time for Christmas (4th of July for Jesus), Krampus – releasing December 4, 2015 – looks to put a cramp on the biggest commercial holiday of the year. Here’s how jolly this one’s gonna get…

Krampus

“A horror-comedy, Krampus tells the story of young Max, who turns his back on Christmas as his dysfunctional family comes together and comically clashes over the holidays. When they accidentally unleash the wrath of Krampus – an ancient entity from European folklore – all hell breaks loose and beloved holiday icons take on a monstrous life of their own. Now, the fractured family is forced to unite if they hope to survive.”

Krampus: The Christmas Devil

There was a Krampus on campus several years ago: Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013). It went like this: “Jeremy, a local police officer, leads a life of a confusing past, spending his current time searching for his kidnapper as a child. After other children begin missing, Jeremy pieces together the truth and realizes that his childhood kidnapper could be a creature of ancient yuletide lore, Krampus, who is the brother of St. Nick, and punisher of children who perform acts of unspeakable evil without repercussion.”

Rare Exports / Sint

I like the business model. And if these seasonal slashers get you in the mood, try Rare Exports (2010), featuring 100 naked Santa Claus’ running down  a snowy hill with their sleigh bells a’ringin’.

And hey, for your zombie Santa needs, there’s Sint (2010), who rides an evil horse on roof tops, slaughtering children and not leaving gifts. (Man, that’s just mean.) How the evil horse doesn’t slip on the icy roofs is a testimony to Sint’s power. I fear him.