Poetic Alien

You can forget about Prometheus 2 right here and now. Just walk away.

But don’t walk too far as what we all assumed would be the sequel title for Prometheus (2012) is now being called Alien: Paradise Lost (release date none of your beeswax). This was revealed by director Ridley Scott, who is crafting the sequel as we e-speak.

To all you literary types: The title is an intentional reference to Paradise Lost, the John Milton classic. (Milton, a 16th century poet, probably wore shirts with poofy sleeves and drank wine out of a bucket.)

So what is the connection to the mammoth master work and the Alien franchise? Pretty clear to me that the new alien creatures will recite poems with their outer mouth while they punch a hole in your face with their inner extend-o mouth.

Sometimes I’m embarrassed by my smartness.

Gnome Alone

Wikipedia™, the all-seeing/all-knowing bible of the internet, describes gnomes as “diminutive spirits in Renaissance magic and alchemy, first introduced by Paracelsus in the 16th Century and are typically said to be small, humanoid creatures that live underground.”

Describes a gal I once dated.

Gnomes have shown up in horror movies for years. But now those little rat people are getting another PR push with Gnome Alone, arriving January 20, 2014 on DVD and VOD. If you can get by the painful title, here’s what to expect: “When a timid college student witnesses a hit-and-run, the dying victim gives her a strange amulet. Suddenly, all those who have offended Zoe in her life begin dying horrible deaths at the hands of a malicious gnome. When Zoe discovers the horrible history behind the amulet, will she be able to harness its magical power before the gnome begins killing those closest to her?”

I bet the gnome kills people closest to Zoe.

For anyone who is interested in this sort of topic outside of TV commercials, notable humanoid creature movies include Gnomes (1980), A Gnome Named Gnorm (1990), Blood Gnome (2004) and Killer Gnome (2008). Not 100% sure on the last one’s release date, but I do remember seeing it and thinking, “What a stupid movie – no one in their right mind should be watching this.”

But when it comes to movies about gnomes, one should look no further than 1967’s The Gnome-Mobile, made by horror king Walt Disney. In that one, an eccentric millionaire and his grandchildren are embroiled in the plights of some forest gnomes who are searching for the rest of their tribe.

I wrote about this one on August 14, 2012 [click here]. While The Gnome-Mobile has impressive special effects and a G-rated storyline, those hoping to see a gnome eaten by a raccoon or get run over by a lawnmower will walk away sadly disappointed. But hey, catchy theme song, so not a total loss.