Archive for the Science Fiction Category

LOL Horror & Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snarling

Three new horror hopeful hits headed in this general direction. There’s probably more movies coming out, but I need to spend the day combing my hair YET AGAIN, so three is all you get from me on this 23rd day of the third month of the year 2016.

First up is The Snarling. Cool title. It could be in reference to anything from a werewolf or mad raccoon, to a bitter bear or my neighbor lady whose facial muscles are botoxed to the point she looks like her stretched skin is gonna pop.

Anyway, here’s the skinny on The Snarling, already screened in the U.K., but not here. I don’t know why: “When a cursed new horror film is being made in their village, locals Les, Mike and Bob see their chance to cash in and get famous. As the local Detective Inspector and his hapless sergeant Haskins eventually trace a link in recent bloody mutilations to the film, the race is on to stop the killings before our local heroes get caught up in the real blood and guts.”

Bloody mutilations is an oxymoron.

First Man on Mars

Next up is First Man on Mars, a spoof on The Martian (2015). In this one the send a guy to Mars, but he comes back infected with space gunk, turning him into a “crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh.”

Here’s the splashdown on First Man on Mars (release pending 2016): “In 2003 billionaire astronaut Eli Cologne began his journey through space to become the first man on Mars, but something went horribly wrong. The space craft crashed undetected in a remote part of Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina, and he’s been hunting both human and animal prey in the swamps for years. For small town sheriff Dick Ruffman, it’s a race against time to find the man-turned-monster before he kills again in this horrifying and hilarious satire of low budget drive-in grindhouse creature features from the 1970s.”

Crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh is an oxymoron.

Australiens

Lastly, the brilliantly punned Australiens (releasing June 14, 2016) is a comedic take on an alien invasion set in the Land of Roo: “An extraterrestrial armada launches a nationwide assault on Australia. Seems the other nations of the world are far too insulted by their exclusion from the attack to come to Australia’s aid. Car-chasing spaceships, martial-arts aliens, giant killer robots and more.”

Australia doesn’t need our help – they have tasty beers. And you can never lose when you have tasty beers.

Facing A Faceless Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fiend Without A Face

The faceless fiends in Fiend Without a Face (1958) remind me of that old Richard Pryor joke where men spend the first nine months of their lives trying to get out of the womb, and the rest of their lives trying to get back in. That’s pretty funny.

Fiend Without A Face

The previously invisible creatures eventually materialize into extra large brains with a spinal cord tails. And while they aren’t exactly trying to get back into heads, they do suck your brain and spinal cord out through two “bite marks” in the back of your neck to make more mind mates.

Fiend Without A Face

These creatures were once manifested thought brought to solid life by lightning quality electricity, the byproduct of an old fart professor scientist who had been experimenting with using his mind without his hands for decades. Big deal – I’ve been manifesting solid farts since birth.

Fiend Without A Face

For the first two-thirds of the movie you only hear this faceless creature (loud heart beats that sound like clopping footsteps), rustling leaves, torn screen doors, etc. Then you see their victims clutch the back of their necks as if being hammer-locked by an entertainment grade pro wrestler, and then immediately dying with eyes wide open and mouth agape as their brains and spinal columns are slurped out.

Fiend Without A Face

Major Jeff Cummings of the U.S. Airforce stationed in Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada for atomic energy testing next to Canadian cows, Canadian farms and Canadian Canadians called the attacks on the locals as being the work of mental vampires. (I know a lot of those.) To buy time before the brains become visible enough to fight, he spends his time mackin’ on the professor scientist’s hot assistant. (She resists at first, but then later gives up the sugar.)

Fiend Without A Face

The best part of this clunky sci-fi classic is when the brains corner a few military brass, the professor, who just moments ago confessed to creating the monsters in a concise and believable back story, a panicky local old fart, and the hot assistant.

Fiend Without A Face

Boarding up the one window and blocking the door, the brains – flying like mental Frisbees™ – get in through the fireplace chimney and punched holes in the windows. When shot by the military guys, these brains got big time splat and stop-motion dissolve into red-stained oatmeal. This is the same method used on those ick demons in The Evil Dead (1981).

So if you wanna see flying brains, guns and oatmeal splat, you don’t have to go much further than Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada.

Papier-Mâché Horror

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on March 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kill Them And Eat Them

Dr. Gore has been rounding up victims with which to experiment. With a name like that, it’s pretty much a given. The end result of such scientific endeavors yields mutants, who look uncannily like the filmmaker’s friends wearing handmade papier-mâché monster masks. Amazing what science can do.

Kill Them And Eat Them

Gore’s assistant wants the formula so he can take it a step further and create an army of papier-mâché masked creatures to wreak vengeance upon his enemies. While I’m not sure how many enemies a man of science can accrue, it seems like a good idea.

Kill Them And Eat Them

What isn’t a good idea is this entire movie. Yeah, it’s a horror comedy. (At least it better be – it’d be really stupid of these guys to pass this stuff off as serious). The dialogue wouldn’t stand up on a 3rd grade playground. The special effects are centered around how much blood they can make leak out of severed rubber hands.

KIll Them And Eat Them

But the worst part – besides everything – is showing the mutants in broad daylight. The mutant masks are so laughable (one looks like piles of glossy dog crap caked on the “actor’s” face), you wonder if they were made by artists with severed hands. Lots of kills, but no eating of.

If you’re gonna throw a title like Kill Them And Eat Them (2005) out there, you better have someone killing and eating something. Like me, for instance. I just killed two hours of my life and ate $1.99 renting this pooper-mâché.

Yet Another Installment of Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Judgment

It’s a sad state of affairs when a popular horror movie franchise is put through the salad spinner so many times, it no longer resembles anything consumable.

While this has been famously done to cash cows such as the Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series (don’t get me started on the Police Academy abominations, of which there are seven), the release of Hellraiser: Judgment (pending 2016), brings the original once proud Hellraiser movie to a shaming eight sequels, six and a half of which are like watching a hobo sift through your garbage.

Hellraiser

Quite similar to a Cenobite torture, we’ve had to endure the punishing Hellraiser sequels for nearly the past three decades. In creator Clive Barker’s hands, this was a genre game changer, featuring open wound, flesh re-imagined creatures with cool Juda Priest-y heavy metal leather suits, the most iconic of which was/is Pinhead, a bald guy with nails pounded into right into his head/face/eyebrows. And he had a deep voice practically designed for late night FM radio and/or selling infomerical juicers.

But once the rights were cashed out, Pinhead was inevitably turned into the Ronald McDonald of horror, relieving the greasy golden arches from Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger, who also reigned over nine movies and Freddy’s Nightmares (1988 – 1990), a painfully dated (even when it came out) TV series with 44 episodes.

Hellraiser

Judging by the press release, Hellraiser: Judgment seems to be another case of “meet the new Cenobite, same as the old Cenobite”…

“Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to find a gruesome serial killer terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a spiraling maze of horror that may not be of this world. Could the Judgment awaiting the killer’s victims also be waiting for Sean?”

Yeesh – a hobo could’ve come up with that plot.

Hellraiser

Not surprised that whoever owns the rights to Hellraiser can’t figure out how to explore the depraved depths of the Pinhead character, and merely relegate him a bookend to pathetic scenarios. Only Clive Barker, who gave birth to Pinhead and the Cenobites in The Hellbound Heart first published in 1986, can/could take us to the depths of a grisly Hell, or as I call it, the Poggie Tavern (est. 1934), a few blocks south of Heaven, or “my neighborhood.”

Clearly, the real Pinheads are the ones still recycling Hellraiser. That said, here’s a Hellraiser laundry list of viewings for those wanting to pound metaphorical nails into eyeball flesh…

Hellraiser (1987), Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Hellraiser: Inferno (2000), Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002), Hellraiser: Deader (2005), Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005), Hellraiser: Revelations (2011).

Aliens & Smooching

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invasion of the Saucer Men

Invasion of the Saucer Men was released in 1957 and occupied an era where teen dudes dressed in suits and ties, referred to chicks as dames, and counted it as a plus if they made it to first base (smooching with no tongue application) with said skirts. Everybody in those days were black and white as color wouldn’t be invented until the ‘60s. And yet the teens that happened upon the invading saucer men kept insisting to the cops that these “little monsters” were green. Looked grey to me.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

So yeah, aliens land their saucer on Earth at night and proceed to lurk around in the woods that serve as camouflage for first-basing teens. But these aren’t your ordinary extraterrestrials; they’re only a few feet tall,  featuring inside out scrotum heads and probably stink like Uranus. (I never get tired of that joke device.) But their best feature is gnarly hands that have dripping needles protruding out of the fingertips. And that dripping liquid is…ALCOHOL! The good stuff, too, not the Two-Buck-Chuck stuff you/I get at the mini-mart.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

First customer/victim is none other than the Riddler (aka, Frank Gorshin) who plays one of two drifters, and packs a bottle of the good stuff wherever he goes. And when he ends up drunkenly encountering the aliens and they inject him with even more booze, well hey – let’s get this party started! Unfortunately, it was a clear case of over-serving as he died from acute alcohol poisoning.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

Meanwhile, the military shows up and surrounds the flying saucer, and with a bullhorn, demanding they present themselves: “Come out! Can you hear me, spaceship?” (I don’t know why, but that cracked me up.) No response, so they shoot it with explosive-grade ammo. Nothing. Then they try using an acetylene torch – and end up causing the ship to explode. Shrugging their shoulders, the military gets in their jeeps and drive back to the base.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

But it’s the horny teens who save the day. Discovering that the aliens melt and explode when exposed to light, they rally all the cars at the make-out zone in the woods to surround the creatures and simultaneously turn on their headlights. Ka-BOOM! Invasion denied. Then they go back to power smooching. It’s as if getting to first – and possibly second base — was more important to them than halting an alien invasion. And they’re right.

The Day The Earth Drew Mud

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

X The Unknown

X The Unknown (1956) is a British sci-fi kickstarter about a sentient pile of liquid meatloaf that oozes up out of a fissure (or “crack”) in the Earth in search of radiation nutrients on which to feed. Good thing we Earthers have a lot of uranium laying around.

X The Unknown

Discovered during a Scottish military training session to teach soldiers how to use Geiger counters, the crack appears in a dirt pit that looks more like a moto-cross playground full of whiskey throttlers than the scene of a potential holocaust. Get close to the hole, you get flaky waxy skin and pancake sized herpes sores all over your back/face/short life. (Always wash your hands after getting close to holes.)

X The Unknown

Dr. Royston, an English scientist from the conveniently located Atomic Energy Laboratory, investigates when several townsfolk melt after encounters with the chocolate colored couscous. He hypothesizes (guesses out loud) that the living energy form is prehistoric in nature and got trapped underground when the Earth’s pancake crust cooled in its pre-people days. Now it’s really freakin’ starvinated and wants a steaming pile of radiation with a human side salad to feast upon. Good thing we Earthers have a lot of uranium laying around.

X The Unknown

The scientist, military and local police figure out a way to lure the fudge brownie mix back into the crack and blow it up for the benefit of all mankind. And to think all they had to do was drop a car-sized roll of toilet paper into the hole and let the monster wipe itself out.

Blobs

X The Unknown, though, was the precursor for 1958’s The Blob, which beget a sequel (Beware! The Blob/1972), a remake (The Blob/1988), and was the source material for the R.L. Stine Goosebumps™ rip-off book, The Blob That Ate Everyone (1997).

Still, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that I’ve seen this gravy-stained lumpy pile of mashed potatoes before. Sigh. It’s gonna stick in my crack all day long. Oh wait, I know! It looks just like…Dairy Queen™!

Gory Story

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki (1991), remains hands down, a Hall of Fame horror/sci-fi Japanese classic so over the top in its straight-faced comedic depiction of mega-violence and flesh re-purposing gore, it has yet to be rivaled. (Though you could probably make a street cred argument for 1993’s splattery Dead Alive.)

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

Riki is a frown-y pensive guy with gym-sculpted muscles sent to prison for man-slaughtering a crime guy who, in a flashback, caused Riki’s college girlfriend to be killed to death. The prison, while clean, is a living hell for the inmates, who are tortured and mutilated (de-skinned) and forced to grow opium for the warden. (P.S. Don’t do drugs.)

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

It’s here Riki endures a non-stop litany of torture and punishments for standing up for the bullied inmates: knife and crochet needle through the hand. Buried in wet cement. Almost strangled by an enemies’ entrails (one of the movie’s most famous scenes). Punched to the point of permanent bruises. Imprisoned in a cage of sharp rebar. Cell roof with spikes being lowered on him. Razorblades stuffed in his mouth. Buried for seven days in prison dirt with only a bamboo stick to breathe from. And that’s just the first half!

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

Not only does Riki have to defend himself from the warden and assistant warden with a candy-mint filled artificial eyeball (not making this up), he has the prison’s gangs (including a giant fat bully named Silly Lung) with supernatural fighters who beat our hero like a dirty rug with dirty tricks. Riki responds by punching criminals through their neck and up through their face, where his fist pops out.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

But it’s the grand finale with Riki doing a spectacularly gore splattered battle with the warden, who mutates into a giant creature with super-strength, that’s the movie’s money shot. (Riki has super strength, too, a gift from birth and super punch fighting skills courtesy of his uncle.)

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

The prison’s industrial strength meat grinder plays an important role in taking Riki-Oh’s story to unmatched levels of bloodletting. And if by now you think enough is enough, Riki does one more thing with his fist. I’ll leave you to find out for yourself. But man, is it funny.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

Interesting note: The phrase “Why so serious?”, uttered in The Dark Night (2008) by the Joker, was first coined in this movie as a question by the assistant warden to the sullen and non-talking Riki. You’d be sullen and non-talking too if someone tried strangling you with icky lower intestines.

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