Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Alien Germs

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Not Human

Alien plagues are nothing new. In fact, my neighbor came down with a case of it just the other day. (He better have – if he’s faking it just to keep me awake all night with his “coughing,” then there’s a probing with a double-capacity turkey baster in his near future.)

An alien plague is at the b-hole center of Not Human, an indie sci-fi action flick that just arrived on DVD (March 2015). Once contracted, this extraterrestrial germ goons you out big time and mutates you in ways only non-alcoholic beer can do.

But don’t trust me implicitly; here’s the plot which I copied and pasted off the internet: “Not Human follows the story of peaceful, rustic Metzburgh: a quiet village whose glory days are long past after the collapse of Metzburgh grain.”

Not Human

“When a meteorite crash lands in the peaceful community, Glen, a homeless ex-employee of the grain silos, gets too close to the crash site and a chemical poison sprays out of the meteorite, enveloping him. The chemical agent known only as Ombis begins to turn his insides into a slimy substance, consuming Glen’s body and spreading the alien infection.”

“The virus starts to overrun the unsuspecting village. Adding to the chaos, a mysterious government special containment team shows up and attempts to keep order while trying to contain the alien plague.”

If all those years watching The X-Files has taught me anything it’s that the government can’t be trusted with anything extraterrestrial. Thanks to them, I now spend most of my nights looking to the skies for weather balloons. I want to believe in weather balloons.

Future Sci-Fi Bikini

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fifth Element

Somewhere between existentialism, a planet-sucking garbage disposal, and painfully dumb, rubber-suited aliens, is The Fifth Element (1997), a sorta serious/sorta comedy sci-fi movie about a supermodel in a Band-Aid™ bikini who is prophesied as the ONLY ONE who can save the world from Judgment Day. Well heck – why didn’t they just put Jesus in a Speedo®?

The Fifth Element

In the 23rd Century, a former military special agent, now a floating cab-driving loser, is re-drafted to stop a commerce-minded Zorg (first name Jean-Baptiste) from stealing ancient magic stones or (“Elements”) he got from the  rubber-suited Mangalores in trade for advanced weaponry.

The Fifth Element

Growing the “perfect being” from a sample of the Elements, scientists were able to regenerate Leeloo, the bikini’d one, when combined with the first four Elements, is foretold to stop the  “Great Evil.” She has orange hair and speaks gibberish. Could it be Future Cyndi Lauper coming to save us?

The Fifth Element

They throw everything in here: religion, space action, bombs, explosions, an intergalactic deejay, site gags, floating cabs, an opera singer with tentacles for hair. (One wonders, how does she comb it?)

The Fifth Element

Oddly, The Fifth Element is rather entertaining, especially the Band-Aid™ bikini, which never seems to come off, even when being pursued by floating police. Man, the future has some kick ass technology.

Medium Rare Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Darkman

Peyton Westlake is a scientist who has been working on developing synthetic skin. Hmm, not seeing an obvious market for such a product other than adding a new taste texture to Hostess Cupcakes™.

Darkman

Peyton’s bummed because the skin can only last 99 minutes when exposed to light, melting away into a messy goo as it disintegrates. Stays put in the darkness, though, so there’s that.

The doc’s girlfriend is an attorney who has enough evidence to put a local crime boss into the crossbar hotel for life. Guess it wasn’t very smart of her to drop by Peyton’s waterfront warehouse lab with that evidence. So it’s kind a hard to blame Durant, the crime boss, for blowing the place up, unfortunately with Peyton in it.

Darkman

His flesh seared off and his body flash-cured, the well-done doc is not done yet. He makes it back to shore without being eaten by sharks, res-sets up his lab, and goes about perfecting his synthetic skin, because now he has a customer for it.

Darkman

Seeking revenge, Peyton is able to make his skin look like yours or your mom’s, which means he can imitate the very criminals he hates with what’s left of his stir-fried sanity. This causes much confusion and angst among the criminals, who can’t figure out what the epidermis cookin’ hell is goin’ on around here.

Darkman

Darkman (1990) plays like a comic book come to life with lots of exaggerated action and facial expressions. Those WITH faces, anyway. And Peyton is crazy cool, what with his bandaged face, dark hat and trench coat, and his inability to feel physical pain (ask the doctor who experimented on him after the “accident”). That he goes freakin’ nuts means someone’s gonna have to FACE up to their punishment. Heh.

The Dead Belong In Jail

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Prison of the Dead

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: a bunch of dweebs sneak into an abandoned funeral home to party. Someone whips out a Ouija board, thereby unwittingly summoning the dead. One by one the dumb asses are possessed, hacked, sliced and diced by mean undead warriors with glowing evil eyeballs and machetes on loan from Friday the 13th (1980) — and not even graphically enough to warrant a G-rated bandage.

Prison of the Dead

 

The gore in the lazily contrived Prison of the Dead (2000) is so PC’d, all you get to see is a couple of ketchup squirts simulating a violent act. They should give away french fries with this flick. And where the hell has illicit sex gone in these Z-grade handle jigglers? No one drops top anymore, which breaks the #1 cardinal rule of low-budget videos.

Prison’s most notable scene comes at the end where the “action” abruptly stops as though it were my car driving around on $1.25 of gas. The director either ran out of money or ran out of ideas. Hard to believe the latter as the whole movie is as cookie cutter as it gets. Someone needs to go to prison for this.

Spider: Made By Volkswagon

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spiders

What started as an anemic sci-fi yawnfest, Spiders (2000) turned into a goopy killfest almost worthy of a video store rental fee.

Three college paranormal investigators working for the school newspaper witness the crash of the space shuttle. Mutated spiders made it fall from the ozone after eating the brains of the occupants (Astro – nots. Ha!).

Spiders

The infected bodies are taken to a secret military base, and the news-minded team infiltrate because the truth is in there somewhere. A lot of yackety-yacking until one of the reporters gets bitten by a spider that bursts out of an expired skull and the splatter starts to matter.

Spiders

The killer bug grows to the size of a Volkswagen Beetle™, and oh what a tangled web he weaves. Super spidey breaks out of the army base and goes on a casual rampage through the college campus where it further expands to the size of a mutated Volkswagen Beetle™. The monster bug crushes cars, smashes buildings and eats undergraduates.

Spiders

One surviving military guy and the hot chick reporter get in a helicopter conveniently parked near the college and, using bazookas, blast the bug into spider spaghetti. The star chick is really hot, but she blows many an opportunity to distract the spider by taking her top off. When will humans ever learn?

All in all, satisfactory fun if you can fast forward through the first half.

Spiders

Nazi Gargoyles

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Reign of the Gargoyles

During World War v2.0 the occult-believing stink Nazis unearth a mythical fortress containing gargoyles. Reanimating them via the wonder juice known as human blood, the gargoyles come to life and pick up where they left off, which is to kill everything. The Krauts wanna use them in their bid to thwart Allied bombers that’ve turned the German war effort into Swiss cheese.

Reign of the Gargoyles

One particular bombing run is interrupted by a swarm of such gargoyles, led by Volthorn, the Horn King. (GREAT name). He’s a bigger gargoyle made out of rock, whereas his winged minions are still spongy flesh and blood.  They bring down the planes, ripping through the wings to get at the mechanical stuffings inside.

Reign of the Gargoyles

Reign of the Gargoyles (2007) had me with the war angle, but lost it with Volthorn’s pixelated pants. Because we’re Americans, bombs aren’t the only thing that drop from the sky. C’mon, you knew how it was gonna end, so don’t give me that e-scowl.

Reign of the Gargoyles

Bigfoot Costumes And Free Zombies

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Love In The Time Of Monsters

Love In The Time of Monsters. Upcoming 2015 indie horror film or accurate term describing last call at The Poggie Tavern? Probably both.

In LITTOM (fingers too tired from gripping beer cans to type out the whole title), “two sisters travel to a cheesy tourist trap where they battle toxic monsters dressed in Bigfoot costumes in order to save the ones they love.”

I want a Bigfoot costume.

Love In The Time Of Monsters

Dead Rising: Watchtower, arriving March 27, 2015 has one of those titles that just screams “yawn.” Dead Rising? Really? Man, I can fart better sounding titles.

Sigh. Anyway, here’s the plot: “Watchtower takes place during a large-scale zombie outbreak. When a mandatory government vaccine fails to stop the infection from spreading, the four leads must evade infection while also pursuing the root of the epidemic, with all signs pointing to a government conspiracy. Politics, public paranoia, and media coverage play an important role in the story’s narrative.”

Dead Rising: Watchtower

In other words, seen it all before. And this is why zombie movies of late suck/keep sucking/continue to suck. Here’s a better title: Yawn Rising. (Watch – this thing’ll probably be a smash hit and make me eat my words like a mouthful of beer cans.)

P.S. Dead Rising: Watchtower is a Crackle Original™ (owned by Sony™), which means while it’ll be free, there will be a commercial every 2.6 minutes throughout the entire thing. If you think I’m kidding, go ahead and try watching ANYTHING on Crackle™ – it’ll make you wanna smash your face area with a TV/smart phone/tablet device.

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