If I was be paid to watch horror and sci-fi movies, I’d be rich. Things I’d buy with my richness: solid gold couch with diamond occasional pillows, that invisibility blanket from the Harry Potter movies, and a bathroom overflowing with products for my hair. But until that time comes, here are five upcoming horror movies I won’t get paid to watch…
HAVENHURST (February, 2017 / limited)
“Havenhurst is a looming apartment complex in the heart of New York City’s historic Tudor City district. A beautifully maintained, turn-of-the-century building that houses over 3,000 residents and countless dark secrets. The rent is what you can afford and the rules are simple: live a good and decent life and you can stay forever. Break the rules and…”
Reminds me of the premise of the 666 Park Avenue TV series (September 30, 2012 to July 13, 2013). They’d never let me move into either of those places. I broke the “living a good and decent life” commandment shortly after exiting the womb.
AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (June 30, 2017)
“An ambitious female television news intern, on the verge of breaking the most famous haunted house case in the world, leads a team of journalists, clergymen and paranormal researchers into an investigation of the bizarre events that will come to be known as The Amityville Horror, only to unwittingly open a door to the unreal that she may never be able to close.”
Alerted the masses about this one back in the good ol’ days of 2015. Since then they’ve moved the release date twice. That’s generally not a good sign. Neither is the tired set-up of paranormal researchers wandering around a haunted house without first wiping their feet. Wonder if this one will finally feature the return of Jody the floating demon pig (as represented by red glowing eyes and oinking) from The Amityville Horror (1979)? They really missed a golden marketing opportunity there: Amityville Thick-Cut Bacon™.
THE LOVE WITCH (March 10, 2017)
“Elaine, a beautiful young witch, is determined to find a man to love her. In her Gothic Victorian apartment she makes spells and potions, and then picks up men and seduces them. However, her spells work too well, leaving her with a string of hapless victims. When she finally meets the man of her dreams, her desperation to be loved will drive her to the brink of insanity and murder.”
Oh, Elaine — you don’t need Nivea™ spells and potions to sack a dude. Beer does the job just fine. And for post-speed dating clean-up, I recommend Bounty™ paper towels.
WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND (in production as of December 2016)
“Epecuén was one of the most important touristic villages of Argentina. Thousands of people are attracted by the healing properties of its thermal waters. On November 10, 1985, a huge volume of water broke the protecting embankment and the village was submerged under ten meters of salt water. Epecuén disappeared. Thirty years later, the waters receded and the ruins of Epecuén emerged exposing a bleak and deserted landscape. The residents never returned. A group of young people take a trip to the ruins in order to film a documentary about Epecuén. Ignoring the warnings, and after a brief tour, they get stranded in the abandoned village. Contrary to what they thought, they begin to realize that they are really not alone.”
The title brings to mind a trip to The Poggie Tavern men’s room. Now THERE’S some real horror. I remember what I was doing on November 10, 1985 when that village flooded. I was filling my above-ground Argentinian swimming pool and got distracted with a case of Berlina Foreign Stout™. By the time I remembered it, the darn pool overflowed all over the place. Time, unlike Epecuén, floats when you’re having fun.
ISLAND ZERO (2017)
“Inhabitants of a fishing island off the coast of Maine find themselves mysteriously cut off from the outside world after the ferry suddenly stops coming. All the phones have gone dead and every boat sent to the mainland fails to return. When dead bodies turn up along the water’s edge, the hardy band of survivors must find out who, or what, is killing them.”
A tantalizingly and cool premise. Apologies to the filmmakers for the above graphic. I didn’t have an official poster to use, so I totally stole this off your Facebook page. (I’ll replace it once the official version comes out. Feel free to put me in the special thanks section.)