Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Composing The Decomposing

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I, Zombie: The Chronicles fo Pain

A young British gent is given a 3-D hickey by a female zombiette, whom he happens upon in the woods while collecting biological chipmunk samples.

I, Zombie: The Chrinicles of Pain

Over the course of the following week he senses something is not quite right, like the non-healing flesh wound on his neck. Then comes the convulsions, gooey lesions and craving for human sushi, all the while keeping a chronological diary of his ongoing decomposition.

I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain

One of I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain’s (1998) romantic moments comes while pleasuring himself to his ex-girlfriends photo, he yanks his rotted pork stick clean off. I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to… Never mind.

I, Zombie: The Chronicles of Pain

As his body further decays he simply screws metal plates into his skull and legs to keep things somewhat functional. No mindless Dawn of the Dead (1978) zombies wandering around like me after the bars close, just a fascinating  Hallmark™ look at the loneliness of being dead and having no one to talk to without chewing their ear off.

Zombie Babysitters, Bigfoot Infections, Backward Clocks

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cargo

Four more new horror/sci-fi flicks. It’s as if they’re being manufactured by some sort of movie assembling plant or something. Wonder if one of those things really do exist? Maybe someone in Hollywood knows.

CARGO (2018)
“In a desperate bid to outrun a violent pandemic, Andy and Kay have holed up on a houseboat with their one-year-old daughter, Rosie. Their protected river existence is shattered by a violent attack, which sees Kay tragically die and Andy infected. Left with only 48 hours before he transforms into one of the creatures they have fought so long to evade, Andy sets out on a precarious journey to find a new guardian for his child.”

This one’s still in production as of this sentence-spitting. Who knows, by the time it comes out if could go from being YET ANOTHER zombie movie to a rom-com. Interesting premise, though — trying to find a nanny in a zombie wasteland. Just so you know, sitter rates double for this one.

The Fiance

THE FIANCE (out now)
“When a beautiful bride-to-be is bitten by the legendary creature, Bigfoot, she becomes a brutal force of nature hellbent on breaking her engagement — and her fiancé.”

Bitten by Bigfoot? You’d think he’d kick her, what with that famous foot of his and all. So if Bigfoot’s bite can turn you into another Bigfoot, imagine what being chomped by a Crap Monkey would do?

Villisca

THE AXE MURDERS OF VILLISCA (2017 / VOD / Limited)
“Now used as a tourist destination, the Villisca Axe Murder House has terrified visitors from around the world and is considered one of the most haunted houses in America. Three troubled teens who decide to break in and spend the night at the house, forever changing who they are and what is known about the original murders.”

Again with the troubled teens. Wonder what makes those over-privileged little sh*t heads so angst-y? Maybe I should talk to them and axe them a few questions. You know, get to the bottom of their problems and bury the hatchet.

Couner Clockwise

COUNTER CLOCKWISE (December 13, 2016)
“A scientist, while working on inventing teleportation, instead accidentally invents time travel and zaps himself six months into the future. But that future is a sinister, confusing and violent one as he finds himself being chased by gun-toting hitmen as well as being the prime suspect in the murders of his wife and sister. He attempts to change history and save his loved ones by traveling back in time to uncover the mysteries.”

Sounds like The Fugitive (1993) meets Back To The Future (1985). If I ever get around to inventing time travel, I’d go back and re-drink all the beers I used to baptize my inner neck with. Wouldn’t re-guzzle that first Jagermeister smoothie, though; No amount of time tampering is gonna fix that mess.

God and Satan On A Train

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night Train To Terror

If you’re updating your bucket list, put 1985’s Night Train to Terror on it. With its mind-juggling array of monsters, demons, rampant nudity and wincingly painful music/signing/dance choreography segments from a bunch of New Wave kids dressed in day-glo spandex and headbands making a video for MTV™, this is one of the more surreal horror movies you’ll ever see.

Night Train to Terror

It starts out almost like a bar joke set up: God and Satan are on a train, negotiating for souls, in this case three specific ones. (The train conductor addresses the Most Unholy One as Mr. Satan. Train conductors are so polite.) Elsewhere on the train (headed to Hell, by the way), the New Wave kids are rocking out, dancing gleefully and happily singing so bad, you’ll believe you’re in Hell already.

Night Train To Terror

Broken into three mini stories, Night Train to Terror wastes no time getting to the good stuff: The Case of Harry Billings involves a hypnotized guy who lures people into being graphically tortured and skulls squashed for their remaining fairly fresh organs to be marketed.

Night Train to Terror

The Case of Greta Connors follows with a guy and a gal having lights on sex before hooking up with a cult that is enamored with death and all it’s perks. This culminates with a Jimi Hendrix lookalike who gets an electric chair treatment (at a cocktail party, no less) and melts right before your eyes. Thankfully, his headband survived.

More spastic dancing and screwdiver-in-your-ear singing.

Night Train to Terror

The Case of Claire Hansen, the final segment, has a corporate ladder-climbing Devil’s apprentice, who set his job goals a little on the high side: to destroy all of humanity. He should start with the New Wave kids making all that racket in-between the stories. A group of Immortals tries to stop him. Good luck with that.

Night Train to Terror

All of this is just a capsule summation. But every story is drenched in everything from couch pillow-sized flying death bugs and claymation monsters tearing clay victims in half like they were a wishbone, to demon things, heads making like water balloons hitting concrete, open-face surgeries, flooding blood and other bodily fluids, and more importantly, comprehensive naked stuff, all of which is punctuated by mid’80s blow-dryed hair, glow-in-the-dark fashion and headbands. (I knew those things could withstand the test of time.)

Night Train to Terror

So who wins the souls, God or Satan? Not gonna spoil the soup, but those on this Highway to Hell are making specific fashion statements. Regardless — and this is clichéd as all get out — you have to see Night Train To Terror to believe it.

Sea Monster and Swimwear

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Loreley's Grasp

Local legend has it that the Loreley, a reptile creature with a taste for human hearts (ick), comes every seven moons (206 days) and seeks out those with human hearts. Whew — I’m safe!

The Loreley's Grasp

The night before her wedding a hot redhead is trying on her veil and negligee when a reptile creature jumps through her second-story (!) window and rips out her heart. I’m wondering if that was the Loreley everyone’s talking about?

The Loreley's Grasp

This freaks out the nearby all-girl supermodel boarding school, run by an uptight but seriously smokin’ hot redhead. Her eyes seem too big for her face, but it didn’t goon me out. So the mayor hires a freelance hunter to protect the supermodels.

The Loreley's Grasp

Enter the extreme handsome, Sirgurd. Despite his crazy name, he looks like Engelbert Humperdink and dresses like Tom Jones. And he’s packin’ heat — a high-caliber rifle. A plan is implemented to go scuba diving in the Rhine in hopes to find the reputed cave the Loreley lives in. You know what this means — a chance for Sirgurd to take off his shirt.

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s three helper chicks fight over who gets to have sex with Sigurd (wouldn’t you?) and in the process let him escape. Loreley in reptile form has really dry hands, but her nails look good. She wears a cloak to hide her face, which is similar to that of a large plastic piranha. Sirgy knows what he has to do — make stab happen and then go make out with the chicks. (Wouldn’t you?)

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s Grasp has pretty cool gore and boobies and Sirgy action for a 1974 foreign movie with dubbed dialogue. I wish I knew where the treasure cave with three bikini-adorned helper chicks lived, though. Then I’d go visit them. Often, as it turns out. Hey, swimming is good for you. The Internet says so.

Mimeographed Maniacs, Polymorphic Pyschosis, VCRs

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beyond The Gates

Too bad horror movies can’t be as scary as the 2016 election. Good thing horror movies don’t last four years, though. I like my horror in 90 minute doses.

BEYOND THE GATES (December 9, 2016 / VOD / Limited)
“Two estranged brothers reunite at their missing father’s video store to liquidate the property and sell off his assets. As they dig through the store, they find a VCR board game dubbed Beyond The Gates that holds a connection to their father’s disappearance and deadly consequences for anyone who plays it.”

What’s a “VCR”, you ask? A VCR is just a bigger 8-track player that plays movies instead of old Jim Croce albums and… Wait, you ask; what are albums? Don’t make me make you stay after class and clean chalkboard erasers. What are chalkboard erasers, you ask?

Terrifier

TERRIFIER (2017)
“A maniacal clown named Art terrorizes three young women on Halloween night and everyone else who stands in his way.”

A plot so overused and lame, not at all surprised it’s being used YET AGAIN. Must be made by Republicans. And a maniacal clown named Art? At least they could’ve given him some dignity and named him Slicey McChop Chop. That, or Choppy McSlicey. Both work for me.

Split

SPLIT (2017)
“Though Kevin has evidenced 23 personalities to his trusted psychiatrist, Dr. Fletcher, there remains one still submerged who is set to materialize and dominate all the others. Compelled to abduct three teenage girls, Kevin reaches a war for survival among all of those contained within him — as well as everyone around him — as the walls between his compartments shatter.”

I say let those compartments shatter. Pull down the pants of sanity! Splash around in the bubble bath of dementia! Party on the patio of psychosis! Let your freak flag fly, Kev — I believe in you.

Let's Be Evil

LET’S BE EVIL (December 13, 2016)
“Three chaperones are hired to supervise an advanced learning program for gifted children who wear Augmented Reality Glasses to assist in their education. Contained within a secure, underground facility, events quickly spiral out of control.”

Great title. But aren’t Augmented Reality Glasses just freshly emptied beer mugs? The movie’s message is clear, though: If you wanna see in augmented reality, drink beer. I believe in you, movies.

Desert UFOs

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Objective

Did a capsule review of The Objective (2008) back in the waning hours of 2011. And because you’ve been biting your nails in anticipation for a comprehensive throw down every since, I give to you the full meal deal…

The Objective

A CIA operative (I don’t know what that is) leads six elite special forces military guys into the Afghanistan desert to hunt and shoot terrorists. There’s a whole lotta nothing out there: a few rocks, some dirt, a bunch of bugs, a UFO

The Objective

The CIA guy uses hi-tech heat-sensing equipment to film anomalies (lights, shapes, triangles that look like the Master Control Program in Tron/1982), and beaming the images back via satellite uplink. A peek through the infrared camera shows humanoid shapes walking into a triangle. The naked eye, however, sees nothing. Freakin’ freaky.

The Objective

Nervous nerves getting frayed to the point of insubordination, the CIA agent explains they’ve known about the “visitors” for years, and that their mission wasn’t to seek out terrorists and shoot them in the belief system, but to gather more information and see if we could borrow their other-world technology to, like, conquer this world.

The Objective

Interesting concept, but the weak pay off makes me think that maybe we aren’t being visited by aliens after all, and that I’ve just been wasting my time thinking so. I’m gonna shift my theories back over to Bigfoot. He won’t let me down.

Dragons and Nickel Candy Bars

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Valley of the Dragons

It’s 1881. And Michael Denning (USA) and Hector Servadac (not USA, but still kinda cool Frenchman) were doing what any two guys arguing over a girl would normally be doing: facing off in a duel with pistols.

Valley of the Dragons

Just as they’re about to glock block each other, a passing comet overhead whips up a ferocious storm so blast-y, it sucks the at-odds gentlemen 1,000,000 miles into space and 1,000,000 BACK IN TIME! Face-slapping astonishment here; I had no idea meteors had those kinds of super powers.

Valley of the Dragons

The men end up in a jungle as real estate and property taxes hadn’t been invented yet. It’s here they encounter two warring tribes of cavemen and cave women, a fiesty volcano with the worst temperament, and giant, mouth open, fighting lizards feasting on said cave people. Can you say f’d in the cave-hole?

Cat-Women of the Moon / Rodan

Using the framework of Off on a Comet, an 1877 Jules Verne novel (that’s probably French for “book”), Valley of the Dragons (1961) certainly lives up to its name. They do this by sweetening the plot with stock footage from Cat-Women of the Moon (1953) and Rodan (1956), whose cameos are relegated to some prairie dog pop-ups and a few fly-bys.

Valley of the Dragons

Not forgetting their discord, both men decide to resolve their face-shooting dispute AFTER they figure out what the heck is going on, how to get back to their own time, and more importantly, how to divide up the two hottest of the cave chicks not as yet eaten by the “dragons.”

Valley of the Dragons

One clan gets trapped in a cave with a slobbering giant lizard right outside the door-less opening. Using spears and rocks, the cave people, led by French Hector, poke the beast like it was sleeping in late. But it isn’t until his science thoughts kick in that he figures out how to make gun powder from the colored dirt everyone’s bleeding on.

Valley of the DragonsYou can guess where this is headed and how this ends for the dragon. But the most exciting part is when the volcano blows and all involved at the foot of said Mt. Explode gets the herd thinned by earth-cracked crevices and tsunamis of pyroclastic flow.

Valley of the Dragons

Initiating a chest-patting peace accord between the surviving tribes, Mike and Hec calculate the comet will return in seven years, thereby whisking them back to their plentiful world of nickel candy bars and .34¢ a gallon gasoline. More than enough time to teach the cave girls in the ways of future love.

Closing statement: Rodan did not eat any of the cave people. He could’ve, but just didn’t. It’d be totally not cool if you went around telling everybody he did. Don’t be a dick, ’k?