15th Century Kaiju, Mechanical Monkey, Hand-y Horror

What if Godzilla was stomping around in the 1500s, deliberately stepping on minstrels, catchin’ a few PPV jousting matches and kickin’ it old school with Leonardo da Vinci? That’s the premise — Godzilla in the 1500s, not the other cool stuff I mentioned — of IDW™’s new comic miniseries, Godzilla: Here There Be Dragons.

From IDW™’s press release: “In the 1500s, before humanity had successfully traveled the entire globe, it was believed that monsters ruled the oceans just beyond the horizon. ‘Here there be dragons…’ was written on maps to denote the areas people dared not go. That is, until Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the seas, visiting foreign lands and collecting treasure. Or…at least that’s what history tells us. The truth is, tremendous beasts did lurk yonder, dwelling on an island that doesn’t appear on any map, even to this day. And among those monsters was the king of them all…Godzilla!”

Godzilla might like the 1500s as there was a lot of dung hitting the fans back then. The first printed bible in English was published in 1526 and rose to the top of the fiction carts. In his 1543 book, On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres, Polish astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus caused another revolution, by stating that science, not religion, best explains how the universe works. (I totally copied every word of that off this thing called the “Internet.”) The first National Lottery was created in 1567. And people jumped in their carts and flash mobbed the local 7-Eleventh™ for scratchers. And in 1595, The Widdows Treasures by John Partridge was published and claimed to contain a cure for drunkeness. Laughter around the local pubs when passages were read out loud.

So while you look forward to Godzilla’s adventures in the past (the first comic comes out in June, 2023/$3.99), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not encourage rampant drunkeness…

APE VS. MECHA APE / Out now (VOD)

“Recognizing the destructive power of its captive giant ape, the military makes its own battle-ready A.I. — Mecha Ape. But its first practical test goes horribly wrong, leaving the military no choice but to release the imprisoned giant ape to stop the colossal robot before it destroys downtown Chicago.”

YEST ANOTHER rip-off movie from Asylum Studios™, who never had an original movie in their photocopy brains. This one “pays homage” to King Kong Escapes (1967), in which the massive monkey meets his mechanical doppelgänger. It’s free to watch on YouTube™, in case you’re so motivated.

TRINKET BOX / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

A newlywed couple move to a new home set on starting new beginnings, but an historical evil, locked away for years, is about to break free and wreak havoc on their relationship and their lives.

Three words come to mind: mother-in-law.

ANTHROPOPHAGUS II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of female students and their lecturer, Nora, camp inside a bomb bunker to do research on the theses they are writing. After being escorted by a sinister-looking janitor, the girls prepare to spend 24 hours locked in the bunker. In the middle of the night, two of them disappear without a trace. Nora coordinates the search, but soon the survivors find themselves trapped in a maelstrom of violence at the hands of an anthropophagus.”

The only thing scarier than an anthropophagus is trying to pronounce its name.

THE NEW HANDS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bram Victor is dumped by his girlfriend he is convinced it’s because of his ugly hands. Mangled, unattractive, he becomes convinced that a pair of new hands will bring her back. What to do? Since he is a serial killer, he comes to realize that a new set of hands from beautiful victims is the only way to win back the girl of his dreams.”

A serial killer who will go to extremes for love? You gotta…hand…it to him. Heh.