Vampire Bridgework, Death Cloud, Zombie Block Party

“Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you,” goes the saying. And nowhere is that more true than with vampires and werewolves. Their trademark chompers are the tools of their trade, so it makes sense to keep them well-maintained. A bit easier to do for walruses, though — with their teeth outside their mouth, it makes brushing ’em way easier.

But if you’re not a vampire, werewolf or walrus, go to VampFangs.com and pick up a set of snap-on snappers that never need brushing or flossing. Unless you bite into a gristly neck/buttsteak. No tooth doctor needed as these things are easily attached and come in a wide range of carnassials to accommodate your particular death grin. VampFang offers everything from classic vampire to professional werewolf, as well as retractable, chrome metallic and glow in the dark versions. (Not recommended for the creature of the night trying to be stealthy.) And these monster molars are totally affordable, ranging in price from $17.99 to $39.99.

While we cancel our dentist appointment and get some of these deadly dentures, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bite… 

CANNIBAL COMEDIAN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic cannibal, fed up with his lack of ambition, tries his hand at stand-up comedy in an attempt to satisfy his appetite for normalcy.”

Fed up. Interesting choice of words. So where would a cannibal comedian perform? A logical guess would be a dinner club. Heh.

ALIEN STORM / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Frank McConnelly is a loving father and husband, a brilliant business man, and a secret doomsday prepper. To celebrate taking his company public, Frank is putting on the party of the year in his Las Vegas mansion. During the party The President of the United States gives an address warning people to stay inside due to a strange weather pattern that is cutting off communications with major cities across the globe. Suddenly the power goes out as a massive fog bank moves in. In the ensuing chaos Frank escorts people down to safety of his bunker. Everyone is surprised to see the bunker is actually an underground house complete with a yard and a pool. But, In the thick fog something is stirring. Something that hungers. Will the bunker protect them or will they be the next meal?”

I have an underground pool, too. It’s called a leaky basement. FYI: No diving board OR lifeguard on duty. Also, the water is brown. Think of it as swimming in chocolate milk.

CORA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cora is working for an organization trying to reverse the effects of the apocalypse after a deadly mist has covered Earth, effectively wiping out most of humanity.”

Back in my roommate days, we called this deadly mist a “sh*t fog,” wherein one rent-splitter goes in the bathroom after a Jalisco’s Mexican Fiesta Platter™ meal to do a bit of “recycling.” At that point said person turns on the shower to get the bathroom fog-thick steamy. Then said person opens the bathroom door and all the permeated steam spreads throughout the dwelling, sticking to the curtains, rug, bedding, clothing and nostrils. Goodbye humanity. And goodbye roommate.

STATE OF DESOLATION release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a viral outbreak turns into a full-scale zombie pandemic, two mismatched survivors — Freddie, a war-weary retired special forces operative and Claire Davis, a young pampered suburbanite — begin a long trek to reach the perimeter of the hundred mile quarantine zone that used to be Los Angeles. Along the way the two very different people form a powerful bond, which will be put to the test as they try to survive marauding cannibals, doomsday cults, and hordes of the undead.”

Zombiescannibalsdoomsday cults. Sounds like a block party, or as we call it in my neighborhood, casual Friday.

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