Fearful Finger, Angry Villagers, New-Fangled Kaiju

As a kid, watching that scene in Creature of the Black Lagoon (1954) where a geology expedition in the Amazon (the rain forest, not the online retailer that makes $1.5 trillion dollars a month) finds a skeleton of a webbed non-human hand, totally la’gooned me out. If just the hand was that scary, then seeing who it belonged to was surely gonna be a pant-filling moment. And…IT WAS.

To further make mockery of freshly laundered britches comes the Universal Monsters Creature from the Black Lagoon Fossilized Creature Hand Scaled Prop Replica. Coming in July 2023 from Factory Entertainment™, the hand, with an outstretched middle finger (yes, it’s flipping us off), preorders for $79.99. That’s less than a co-pay visit to my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, whose misshapen digits look EXACTLY like that of the Creature. Probably feels like it, too.

From Factory Entertainment™: “The high quality, scaled prop replica of the fossilized creature hand unearthed at the start of 1954’s Creature from the Black Lagoon is a must have for fans! This stunning heavy duty scaled prop replica is molded out of solid metal and features a display stand. Each scaled replica comes in collector packaging. Measures 7” tall x 6” wide x 6” long.” 

While you wait for me to make more jokes about personal space violations, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make you feel uncomfortable as…

SKINAMARINK / January 13, 2023 (Limited), TBD 2023 (Shudder™)

“Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished. To cope with the strange situation, the two bring pillows and blankets to the living room and settle into a quiet slumber party situation. They play well worn videotapes of cartoons to fill the silence of the house and distract from the frightening and inexplicable situation. All the while in the hopes that eventually some grown-ups will come to rescue them. However, after a while it becomes clear that something is watching over them.”

I bet that “something” is Casper the Friendly Skinamarink

DEATH KNOT / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After the death of their estranged mother, two siblings return home and are immediately confronted by angry villagers who claim their mother was a practitioner of a dangerous brand of black magic behind multiple mysterious deaths.”

Villagers historically have anger issues, famously going back to the Salem witch burning days and Victor Frankenstein’s Goth body modifications. And you don’t wanna know the uproar that followed when the “open 24-hours” Village 7-Eleven™ only stayed open 23 hours. Sheer anarchy.

HOSHI 35 / Release pending 2023 (DVD)

MRTS has shared an exclusive first look at their next kaiju film, Hoshi 35. ‘Hoshi’ means ‘star’ in Japanese and, like the English word, has several meanings. The movie, which will use traditional Japanese FX techniques, will be directed by Hiroto Yokokawa.”

This new kaiju is so cool looking, the movie doesn’t need a plot. All it has to do is just stand there for 90 minutes. And maybe stomp on a few Big & Tall™ outlets.

KNIGHTS OF THE ZODIAC / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a goddess of war reincarnates in the body of a young girl, street orphan Seiya discovers that he is destined to protect her and save the world. But only if he can face his own past and become a Knight of the Zodiac.”

Once a goddess of war, always a goddess of war…but once a knight is enough.

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