Grisly Game, Hell’s Flophouse, Holiday Varmint

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in 1974 and almost overnight became one of the most notorious and shocking movies ever made, despite the fact a victim being sawed into barbecue fixins by the human-skin masked Leatherface was never shown. Sure, you heard the shrieks and the revving chainsaw, but you didn’t get to see the gory-fied action. Behold, the power of suggestion.

Now, nearly five decades later, you finally get the chance to play out your “death by power tool” fantasies with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game. And at $59.95, which was ironically more than TCM’s film budget, you can afford to. Beats paying to see all nine of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s crappy sequels. Here’s what your coveted pocket coupons will get you…

Trick or Treat Studios™ introduces The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game from designer Scott Rogers with illustrations by Terry Wolfinger. The players’ van has run out of gas, leaving them stranded and at the mercy of the Slaughter family. Work together and push your luck to escape. In this cooperative game, all players win or lose as a group. Pull tokens from a gruesome bag to take actions — but be careful, pulling too many may antagonize the Slaughter family.”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game is set to ship March 31, 2023 — preorder it HERE. While we’re getting in the mood by going to a hardware store and buying (or “purchasing”) the Poulan™ 306a saw (the model used in the movie), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you just got a haircut with a power tool…

THE HOUSE THAT EATS FLESH / Out now (VOD)

“There is a house that has been passed down from generation to generation, but it isn’t just any ordinary house. This house is built on the Gates of Hell. A group of friends desperate to have a nice holiday together will discover the truth of what goes on inside. The doors are locked, the windows are barred — and something sinister is breaking through the floor.”

A house built on the Gates of Hell. Well, dang — they finally made a movie about the Tug Tavern.

THE MEAN ONE / December 9, 2022 (Theaters/Limited), December 15, 2022 (free online)

“In a sleepy mountain town, Cindy has her parents murdered and her Christmas stolen by The Mean One — a bloodthirsty green figure in a red Santa suit . But when the ravenous, Christmas hating creature begins to terrorize the town and threatens to ruin the holiday, she finds a new purpose — trapping and killing the monster.”

Bloodthirsty green figure. I bet its the Green Goblin. Or Green Lantern. Or Shrek. Or Kermit the Frog. Or the incredible Hulk, who is more than noticeably green. I’m calling for a police lineup. 

WOLF MANOR / January 9, 2023 (DVD & Digital Download)

“Shooting a vampire flick in an old, abandoned manor house should have worked like a dream, but the British film crew is out of their depth, over schedule and desperate to get the shoot finished and go home. However, as the moon turns full, the nightmare begins. Blood flows and the body count rises as cast and crew meet the manor’s resident werewolf.”

Werewolves rarely mind their manors. Heh.

BRIDE OF THE KILLER PIÑATA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“10 years after finally defeating the Killer Piñata, Lindsey Goodman finds herself struggling with domestic life in the suburbs. When a new piñata arrives looking for help, the Killer Piñata wakes, mentoring her in its murderous ways and reigning hell down on the suburbs. With her family in the cross-hairs, Lindsey must rally the old crew one last time to send the Killer Piñata back to Hell for good.”

Okay…what? I really hope Lindsay’s old crew is rally-able as having the Killer Piñata casing the suburbs devalues everyone’s cul-de-sac.

2 Responses to “Grisly Game, Hell’s Flophouse, Holiday Varmint”

  1. “ A house built on the Gates of Hell.”

    I thought for sure that was my ex-girlfriend’s house!”

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